Trying to deal with aftermath of breakup with a BPD partner

[Germanic]

I am still feeling great disappointment over having to end my relationship with my partner.  I did not know it was BPD when I ended it.  After a close friend directed me to the internet to do some research on this issue, I discovered that it appears the symptoms of the difficulties in my relationship are textbook for BPD.

I quit reading about BPD because it only made me more upset and concerned for my former partner.  After a few weeks, I just this evening decided to research information on partners of BPD who have ended the relationship and discovered this website and found the information very useful.

After reading the various points about the BPD relationship breakup, I understand even more how there is little to no possibility of ever reconciling the relationship or even minimal the possibility of maintaining a friendship.  This just kills me because we had such an intense amount of admiration and support for each other but am I now to understand that was all just an imbalance on reality?  I'm still trying to process this.     

[talks to angels]

Germanic I feel your pain. It will take awhile there are good days and bad days. For me I find not speaking to him to be the most important on my recovery. I like you found it hard to accept that we could never even be friends. But in reality would I want a pathological using lying friend?
I struggled with the concept for a while and still do that he might "recover". The reality is, is that it would take years of hard core therapy, with them being open to it and honest. Couple that with many are co-morbid (more than one disorder) so depending on all the disorders they have some at best are just training them how to act. I look at it like you training a dog not to pee on the floor. So would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who cannot truly empathize with you but is just going through the motions. ex: oh she is crying page 12 says one should comfort their partner when they are crying, i should hug her. - ick

[drained1996]

Hi Germanic,

Welcome again   

Having a loved one in our life with BPD can be very mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  Coming to a quick understanding that our partners do or did have BPD can be very overwhelming as you seem to have experienced.  It helps to understand though.  This statement spoke to me:

This just kills me because we had such an intense amount of admiration and support for each other but am I now to understand that was all just an imbalance on reality?

And this particular link may help you gain some insight as to that connection... .you were probably seeing you in a mirror.

BPD BEHAVIORS:Mirroring

In the upper right hand margin of this page you will see some lessons and the 5 stages of detachment.  I think you will find them helpful in your process.  You are not alone... .and have found the right place.   

[heartandwhole]

Hi Germanic,

I'd like to join  talks to angels and  drained1996 in welcoming you. I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. It hurts so much to lose a close relationship, and especially a relationship that was likely very emotionally "loaded." In my experience of breaking up with someone with BPD, it will take time, effort, and self-compassion to process this loss. These breakups are not like "normal" breakups, because they often bring up deep issues in our own lives that we hadn't been aware of.

I can empathize with your frustration about losing a friend, as well. I tried several times to be "just friends" with pwBPD, and unfortunately it just won't work. That doesn't mean that it couldn't work for you, but after having had an intimate relationship, it's likely that the same issues and behaviors would be a factor in a "friendship."

As for the connection not being real: I think it was real, but not true, if that makes sense. The admiration and support was likely exactly that. People with BPD can be loving and brilliant and absolutely wonderful, just like anyone else. The problem may be the "intensity" part. When the admiration and support is over the top, so to speak, it can indicate that there is an underlying imbalance that is being compensated for.

Have you read this article? It helped me tremendously when I got here, hurt and confused:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep reading and posting, Germanic. It really helps to get a handle on what has just happened. We're here support you through this.

heartandwhole

[Germanic]

Thank you heartandwhole!  I read the article you mentioned last night about breaking up and at your suggestion, I reread it again this morning.  No doubt, it was a very emotionally "loaded" relationship which I was in!  It met my BPDex just as he was ending a 6 six year relationship which he convinced me failed due to the infidelities and lies of his much younger prior partner. (I now believe his former partner got out of Dodge before things got any worse.)   

My BPDex moved in on my 10 1/2 year dysfunctional (co-dependent) relationship.  I had to exit the decade long relationship in order to proceed with the new relationship with my BPD who I had no idea was afflicted.  We were both 'ripe' for new love and a new relationship that the initial honeymoon period made it even more magical.  Combine that with an international long distant relationship where both of us had the resources and freedom to travel just made it even that more intoxicating.  The biggest plus from my relationship with my BPDex was he freed me from the dysfunctional relationship with my
former partner.  We both needed to move on from that.

Understanding the dynamics of a relationship being emotionally "loaded" helps to put into perspective what was really happening in the beginning of my new relationship.  Reading here, I seem to be right where I am supposed to be in this process of detachment and maybe doing better than some others as I made the decision to end it, get out and not have any more contact.  It's only been a month now but for some reason, I still am trying to make sense out of the nonsense.  This website has helped me immensely in moving forward thus far.  Thank you for your words of support.