Thanks in advance for continuing to read and reply here.
I recently retained a lawyer to help me navigate my way out of my relationship with my uBPD fiancee. The lawyer hired an expert witness who specializes in BPD. I shared the "you're going to end up dead or framed and in jail" thoughts with the expert witness, and she agreed. That was yesterday afternoon.
Last night, ... .[snip
Hi,
I've been a lurker on these forums for a while.
I felt compelled to sign up and respond to your post. Suffice to say - Alarm bells are deafening.
You are not going off the rails. You are experiencing temporary insanity. That is what happens to people in BPD relationships.
Not so long ago - I was at exactly the point you are at now psychologically. I believed I was a complete mess.
Truth is, you will recover - but only once you cut contact. That's probably the hardest thing to accept.
Unfortunately, doing the
right thing often means doing the
hardest thing.
In response to your original question, Yes, a counsellor I was seeing - his final words to me were -
"You need to get away from this woman. I'm warning you, I have seen it before - if she cannot have you, she is going to destroy you"
Ultimately, I did not feel he was helping me in the way I needed - too many platitudes and not enough specifics, so I chose a different counsellor to help me with the recovery process [who is outstanding], but I cannot deny the original counsellor was accurate in his assessment.
By the end of the relationship
- Fake pregnancy claims and threatened suicide in a very convincing manner
- Went to police, accused me of domestic violence (police did little to help me)
- Following day, asked me on FB to take her back 7 times, to which I said No, No, No, No, No, No, No, - to which she replied 'well, it's in my interest to continue pressing charges then, isn't it?' (my previous ex of 9 years and my ex before that of 3 years both wanted to provide character witness on my behalf - the relationship with my xBPDgf lasted 126 days!)
- 2 months after the relationship had ended and 1 month of NC, she was passenger in a car driven at me, at high speed - in a shopping car park (reported to the police, police did little to help me)
- 4 months after the relationship ended and 3 months of NC, she had been stalking me, had painted my replacement black (who she had overlapped with me and contracted an infection), 'accidentally' bumped into me & was now attempting to get me back.
[I didn't even bother to report the stalking to the police - face it, if you're Male, you're not going to be taken seriously ex-ante and possibly even ex-post]
- Just last week she was attempting to smear me on Facebook/Instagram
So yes, I could have ended up in jail, or dead. I was
very lucky.
I have a private picture album on Facebook, shared with only very specific friends, which contains screenshots of some of the abuse and threats and so on. This is primarily in case anything does happen me in the future - I can't rule that out.
Now while I would say that my ex seems to have been an outlier with regard to the attempted hit'n'run - She had strong narcissistic and antisocial traits - but the other stuff is almost part of the BPD template.
There were no children involved, but I would almost certainly expect child sexual abuse allegations to be coming your way.
You need to prepare immediately.
.
.
.
So here is the ugly truth... .unless my ex had accused me of Domestic Violence, there is a high probability I would have stayed in the relationship. The FOG was intense. After that point - it was choose between my family or her, and I chose my family.
In fact, despite everything - I took her back twice, briefly, in secret after the domestic violence allegation, as I bought into her lies and her sob stories about having nowhere to live and staying in a hostel. She was the best manipulator I ever encountered in my life. It was incredible. She built up incredible feelings of toxic guilt and shame in me.
Her family have essentially disowned her, or she them, and her sister didn't seem in the least bit surprised by the suicide threats - she was just like - 'yea, cut contact'.
Even still, after the false allegations, I didn't want to abandon her and tried to remain friends for 1 month, asked her to try DBT. Deep down, I hoped somehow it could return to the sheer bliss of the first 2 months.
It was the exact same pattern every time - 1 day of lucidity espousing love and forgiveness, followed by a day of being blindsided by inexplicable accusations, shaming & a level of nastiness I had never even conceived possible from an enemy, not to mind someone who claims to love you!
All my life - I've been a very sensible/boring and responsible person.
If a friend told me my story as their own, and asked for my advice - I would think they have lost to mind to stay in such a situation... .but to take them back twice! Temporary Insanity!
(In fact, my best friend described it as 'psychological warfare'
But... .honestly - BPD relationships are like Vietnam - unless one has experienced it for themselves, one simply cannot relate or understand. Extricating yourself is the thing you most urgently need to do, while simultaneously feeling like the most repulsive thing you could do.
It was the most traumatic experience of my entire life. To be idolised, then devalued. To think you've met 'the one', then a few months later she's 'the one trying to run you over'. The triangulation, gaslighting, cheating, manipulation, splitting, projection, passive-aggression and explosive rages.
I've only recently gotten to the point of forgiveness.
I have 'de-normalised' all of that which I had 'normalised'. I look back at my temporary insanity (at one stage, she asked me to apologise to the cat for scaring him) and even still, while I accept it, I find it difficult to process that, that is part of my life and my story. It feels surreal.
Right now - you are in the cauldron. It's horrible, because if you thought it was bad until now, it's only going to get a lot worse before it gets better I suspect.
I hope you are able to take the advice to prepare yourself for all possibilities, and get the hell out as fast as possible. Recognise the manipulation for what it is. If they didn't treat you right during the relationship, they are not going to suddenly change their ways. They can't.
I couldn't take the advice. But I felt obliged to warn you, because you're entering into the most psychologically devastating part of the BPD relationship template.
I really hope you will be as lucky as I was.
