What do I do next

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My whole story starts with a girl I meat about 3 years ago now. We started off as just friends, spending tons of the together and just really getting to know each other. It soon lead to more and we started dating. I should probably mention that this was my first real realationship, my first serious girlfriend. It felt like a fairytale, everything seemed perfect. We were inseparably, we spent all our free time together. The first year everything was great and we were both head over heals with each other. Looking back now I probably spoiled her a little too much and just couldn't ever say no. I just wanted to see her happy and would do anything I could to do that. But soon after I started to get the feeling that I wasn't being appreciated. I would spend a lot of time supporting her and trying to help her through various problems in her life. But dispite the advice I gave she would always make the wrong decisions and end up back in the same situations. I was patient and continued to listen and support her. Eventually we ended up fighting more and more mostly because I stopped always giving in and giving her her own way, other times because I simply felt unappreciated and disrespected and would tell her how I felt. This would lead to arguments and of course I was always the one who was wrong in her eyes. My love for her blinded me and I would brush most arguments off and just let it go. About a year ago now she ended up leaving me, saying we fought too much and I didn't make her feel loved or cared about anymore. I was completely devistated. It was my first heartbreak and it just seemed like it was nothing to her.

About a week after our breakup she was with another guy. Which of course made things that much worse. Not to mention we never cut off contact completely. I couldn't let go of her that quickly. And I don't think she wanted me to because she knew she could count on me to be there.

It's been a little over a year now and I am still in this cycle of hurt. I know I should have probably left her and cut off all contact after the break up but I didn't and to this day still can't seem to do it 100%. I love this girl no matter what she seems to do to me. This past year the things she has put me through are unexplainable. Not to mention she is still talking to this guy and is completely obsessed with him dispite how bad he treats her and how much they fight. Yes I know I am jelious and I can admit that. But I have now become her support system for the emotional abuse this new guy is putting her through not to mention having to hear about him and her constantly. It kills me to listen to and she knows it breaks my heart but I do it for her. Because I still do love her and I hate seeing her upset.

I have tried the whole no contact phase on and off multiple times but always ended up finding a way back to each other. A few months ago I finally had enough with the lies and emotional abuse and cut off contact completely. Blocked her from all methods of contact. This went on for just over 2 months, which was the longest we had ever gone without talking. So this was extremely difficult for me to do and stick to but I knew it was for the best.

About a month ago I got a call and it was her. She had blocked her number and when I answered and heard her voice I knew it was gonna be hard to just hang up. I knew the second I heard her voice all the emotions would come back and the 2 months of working to move past this would be down the drain. And sure enough I gave in, it just seemed like old times when everything worked. We talked for hours and she promised once again that she would change and show more appreciation. She would stop with the lies and show more respect towards me. She went on to tell me how important I was in her life and she didn't like how things ended. That she wanted to keep me a part of her life and she didn't want to loose her best friend.

Once again I figured I would give her the chance and see where it goes. I knew that chances are things will be exact the same a week down the road. And I was exactly right. Things were good for a while and she showed me respect. But the weeks went by and things went right back to the way they were... if not worse. It seems like a pattern each time getting worse and worse. I have some kind of attachment to her. Something will not allow me to let go. For the longest time I thought maybe it's because she was my first love.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to move on and let go but I feel like she is part of my life and I don't know that I can actually leave for good. I guess I'm not really doing the no contact phase but more of the silent treatment. And I she knows this, she knows how much I care and the control she has. She uses this to her advantage and manipulates me into getting what she wants.

She will go weeks without calling or talking to me, leaving me completely lost and just heartbroken. Missing her, waiting and wanting her to call, wondering how she is and if she's okay. My mind will race. She knows the control she has over me. She knows I would do anything and everything for her.

I have been doing a lot of reading on this disorder as she has recently been diagnosed with Boarderline personally disorder. And everything that I'm reading is exactly what I have been experiencing over the past 3 years. It seems like all my questions have been answered as to why she does what she does.

I just don't know where to go from here. Do I keep trying to remain in her life or to I somehow cut off contact.

[Lostanddrained]

My whole story starts with a girl I meat about 3 years ago now. We started off as just friends, spending tons of the together and just really getting to know each other. It soon lead to more and we started dating. I should probably mention that this was my first real realationship, my first serious girlfriend. It felt like a fairytale, everything seemed perfect. We were inseparably, we spent all our free time together. The first year everything was great and we were both head over heals with each other. Looking back now I probably spoiled her a little too much and just couldn't ever say no. I just wanted to see her happy and would do anything I could to do that. But soon after I started to get the feeling that I wasn't being appreciated. I would spend a lot of time supporting her and trying to help her through various problems in her life. But dispite the advice I gave she would always make the wrong decisions and end up back in the same situations. I was patient and continued to listen and support her. Eventually we ended up fighting more and more mostly because I stopped always giving in and giving her her own way, other times because I simply felt unappreciated and disrespected and would tell her how I felt. This would lead to arguments and of course I was always the one who was wrong in her eyes. My love for her blinded me and I would brush most arguments off and just let it go. About a year ago now she ended up leaving me, saying we fought too much and I didn't make her feel loved or cared about anymore. I was completely devistated. It was my first heartbreak and it just seemed like it was nothing to her.

About a week after our breakup she was with another guy. Which of course made things that much worse. Not to mention we never cut off contact completely. I couldn't let go of her that quickly. And I don't think she wanted me to because she knew she could count on me to be there.

It's been a little over a year now and I am still in this cycle of hurt. I know I should have probably left her and cut off all contact after the break up but I didn't and to this day still can't seem to do it 100%. I love this girl no matter what she seems to do to me. This past year the things she has put me through are unexplainable. Not to mention she is still talking to this guy and is completely obsessed with him dispite how bad he treats her and how much they fight. Yes I know I am jelious and I can admit that. But I have now become her support system for the emotional abuse this new guy is putting her through not to mention having to hear about him and her constantly. It kills me to listen to and she knows it breaks my heart but I do it for her. Because I still do love her and I hate seeing her upset.

I have tried the whole no contact phase on and off multiple times but always ended up finding a way back to each other. A few months ago I finally had enough with the lies and emotional abuse and cut off contact completely. Blocked her from all methods of contact. This went on for just over 2 months, which was the longest we had ever gone without talking. So this was extremely difficult for me to do and stick to but I knew it was for the best.

About a month ago I got a call and it was her. She had blocked her number and when I answered and heard her voice I knew it was gonna be hard to just hang up. I knew the second I heard her voice all the emotions would come back and the 2 months of working to move past this would be down the drain. And sure enough I gave in, it just seemed like old times when everything worked. We talked for hours and she promised once again that she would change and show more appreciation. She would stop with the lies and show more respect towards me. She went on to tell me how important I was in her life and she didn't like how things ended. That she wanted to keep me a part of her life and she didn't want to loose her best friend.

Once again I figured I would give her the chance and see where it goes. I knew that chances are things will be exact the same a week down the road. And I was exactly right. Things were good for a while and she showed me respect. But the weeks went by and things went right back to the way they were... if not worse. It seems like a pattern each time getting worse and worse. I have some kind of attachment to her. Something will not allow me to let go. For the longest time I thought maybe it's because she was my first love.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to move on and let go but I feel like she is part of my life and I don't know that I can actually leave for good. I guess I'm not really doing the no contact phase but more of the silent treatment. And I she knows this, she knows how much I care and the control she has. She uses this to her advantage and manipulates me into getting what she wants.

She will go weeks without calling or talking to me, leaving me completely lost and just heartbroken. Missing her, waiting and wanting her to call, wondering how she is and if she's okay. My mind will race. She knows the control she has over me. She knows I would do anything and everything for her.

I have been doing a lot of reading on this disorder as she has recently been diagnosed with Boarderline personally disorder. And everything that I'm reading is exactly what I have been experiencing over the past 3 years. It seems like all my questions have been answered as to why she does what she does.

I just don't know where to go from here. Do I keep trying to remain in her life or to I somehow cut off contact.

[heartandwhole]

Hi lostanddrained,



I'm sorry to hear about your breakups, that hurts so much. I understand your feeling that you are "attached" to your exgf. I certainly felt that way, and I know many members here can relate. You are not alone. It can be a real challenge to let go and move on, but it can be done.

I don't know if you've checked out the right sidebar yet------------->
but it says "Attachment Leads to Suffering; Detachment Leads to Freedom." I think those are wise words in your situation. It doesn't mean you can't have any kind of relationship with your ex. (although the same issues will likely rear their heads if you try to maintain one). It just means that your attachment to the push/pull, drama, manipulation, etc., in this relationship is hurting you.

What is going on in your life outside of this relationship, Lost? Do you have supportive friends and family? Hobbies and goals?

When I first got here, I was in a state of confusion and pain. This article helped me see what I had been dealing with:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Does anything in that article resonate with you?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole