How are they able to find people so quickly?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How is it that they're able to pull 180's on us overnight and end up in new relationships within days? Or even move in with new people within days?

I see stories about this all the time, where the BPD will leave and find a new lover or new roommate within days... Sometimes the replacement is even a married person... How is this possible?

If I were looking for a new relationship or someone to move in with, it would likely take me months...

How is it that they are able to convince our replacements to open the door to them with open arms so quickly?

Can they seriously be that manipulative? Or are we just all fools and too desperate?

[FallenOne]

How is it that they're able to pull 180's on us overnight and end up in new relationships within days? Or even move in with new people within days?

I see stories about this all the time, where the BPD will leave and find a new lover or new roommate within days... Sometimes the replacement is even a married person... How is this possible?

If I were looking for a new relationship or someone to move in with, it would likely take me months...

How is it that they are able to convince our replacements to open the door to them with open arms so quickly?

Can they seriously be that manipulative? Or are we just all fools and too desperate?

[Portent]

Simple they had the replacement on the hook before they left. My BPDw would have never told me about her affair had his wife not found out. She simply would have left one day and miraculously found this new guy, who is also going through a divorce so they connected, in a week.

She left her ex-husband for an affair but that guy was a player who liked playing married women. He knew exactly what she was and dumped her ass the moment she tried to get him in a real relationship. Then she found me but it took her a couple of months.

[FallenOne]

They must be damn good at hiding their communication and spending time with the replacement(s) then because mine was around me almost 24/7... The only time I wasn't around her was when I was at work and I was pretty good at observing her behavior.

[Portent]

They must be damn good at hiding their communication and spending time with the replacement(s) then because mine was around me almost 24/7... The only time I wasn't around her was when I was at work and I was pretty good at observing her behavior.

Work was how mine lined uo her replacement.

[Curiously1]

Uknown to you, they normally look for a person when they are still with you.
They just go fishing and just sees who bites on their bait.
They might reconnect with an ex or a friend.
My ex doesn't look like she has a particular type and doesn't have any standards imo.
They're very good at attaching to others because they feel they need to in order to survive. Did you get into your BPD r/s just as quickly? The new person may have rushed in for similar reasons.
They also give us plenty of validation and make us feel great at the beginning during the idealisation stage. It's easy for people to get swept away by it all. We could have been desperate sure. We were ok with what was happeningbecause it benefitted us in some way. We allowed that kind of stuff and so can other people.
But we also have standards and usually a particular type of person we might normally go for. I think that makes it more difficult for us to find someone as quickly as them. It also takes us a while to dettach... and that's normal.

[Confused108]

My ex has no type what so ever. Even the ugliest person if they give  her a tumble she was all over it. It's disgusting and sick actuallly. She usually from what she had told me was her relationships start off as one night stands and then they hang around and get hooked with her lies and Bs.

[Curiously1]

  confused108

The first replacement was nothing like me. Shared none of my values etc. Not attractive at all either. It was kind of insulting? Like you left me for that kind of person? But that replacement was apparently just temporary and for me to be jealous. She used that person basically and the person later told me it was to just mindf**ck with me. She couldn't find anyone she really liked  or was interested in her in our town at the time and when I went NC she panicked and pretty much ran back to me. Told me I was the best thing around in our ty town. Terrible way in trying to win me back... no sorrys whatsoever but cos I still loved her I didn't care at the time and just wanted her back. The fact she couldn't find anyone suitable in our small town while with me she still looked for another replacement. She lied to me saying that she needed to overseas to meet a friend and that friend was going to pay for her airfare. That was very suspicious to me, I just couldn't believe it. She said that the friend was into her for a long time but shes always wanted to meet up and she promises she won't do anything like cheat on me. Then she said dont be jealous you never know she might not pay for the tickets anymore because they planned to meet 4 months away as the friend always wanted to show her around her country of origin. Ex basically asked me permission to travel to see a friend who has a huge crush on her. Urgh. Basically she found a new replacement online  soon after we got back a second time and when she decided to break up with me she flew to her city to be with her! WHO WOULD WANT TO PAY A STRANGER FREE AIRFARE TO BE WITH THEM? Maybe the other girl is disordered too or stupid. They moved in together already of course. I heard that my ex has burn so many bridges in so many towns she just keeps taking off to new places interstate and possibly other countries.

[enlighten me]

Heres a thought.

Apart from them having someone lined up could it be that there are plenty of people who would jump at the chance to be in a relationship but are to shy to make the first move? My friend would chat up nearly every woman in a club until he pulled one. Surely that is a possibility with BPDs? If you sell it cheap enough you get a lot of interest.

[Curiously1]

They normally rush into sex too as a means of control. Not saying that people who have sex right away are cheap. Just an example of making things really easy. They'll do anything they think that person would like them to be and that is very alluring. Or they could be self-pitying and the person is a rescuer type too. My ex would say terrible things about me to her dates. She wasnt very successful with the girls in our town though. Her pity thing didn't work on them. She may have won the sympathies of my new replacement or did something else to entice her.

[talks to angels]

mine always had a list of sorts, like others he was always on the lookout. He lied so much it wasnt til the end that he started getting sloppy and I called him out on it. I think they can move so fast too because they have no standards. From what I can see with the last couple girls, they are troubled, recovering addict, sick, eating disordered, and not attractive, so I think it is easy for him to work them. Mine also did alot of the long distance stuff, which is harder to catch. One put everything on her social media public and the conversation she was having with him was almost exactly the same as I had about other girls he was flirting with. His response was text book to what he would tell me. After I pieced together some of his history, noticed that they all overlapped and a couple he used as he was homeless and needed a place to stay.

[bus boy]

My Xw lined her partner up at work. Had him on the hook, studied him, probably extracted his inner hopes and pain. Although we were separated we maintained a r/s for over 8 years. One weekend we went out of town, I told her she had let me have proper father and son access with my son and in 2 shakes of a lambs tail she had a man and just as fast he was living in her house. She studied him, manuplate and exploits him.

[Kelli Cornett]

Because they don't care and have amazing mirroring skills.

[Kelli Cornett]

They are also addicts. When think of an addict wants drugs they will find them.

[Technique]

How is it that they're able to pull 180's on us overnight and end up in new relationships within days? Or even move in with new people within days?

I see stories about this all the time, where the BPD will leave and find a new lover or new roommate within days... Sometimes the replacement is even a married person... How is this possible?

If I were looking for a new relationship or someone to move in with, it would likely take me months...

How is it that they are able to convince our replacements to open the door to them with open arms so quickly?

Can they seriously be that manipulative? Or are we just all fools and too desperate?

Recalling a few incidents close to our parting (A phone call she received while we were out. She went white when she looked at the number. Pulled out some BS, which I sucked up like the idiot I was) added to a couple of occasions when I came out of the shower and she snapped her laptop shut in a hurry. I was so under her spell she immediately brought a conversation up or initiated sex. What a plank I was. Whoever it was, was my replacement, and within a few months she initiated an argument and pretty much  manouvered me into calling it a day. Bottom line, these people always need a connection, a second option.

[FlSunshineGirl]

With my DBPDEx, I found out after we ended that he had been talking to an old friend and playing Words with Friends and having text communication with her for months before the end of us. Then as soon as we were over, BAM, he was immediately with her. He had groomed that relationship.
They only lasted a few months then he had another girl that he had met on the Internet. I found out that he had been saying the same things to her as he said to me. He used lots of flattery, compliments and "lines" and it was easy to believe he only said this to me, but he has used these many times with many different women.
When that girl didn't work out, he lined up another and has been with her for about a year and a half. But he's reached out to me several times since being with her and I found out he was talking to another girl behind this latest girlfriends back too.
It's really sad and the fear of abandonment drives this. He could never be alone.

[Leaflet]

My xh hasn't found a replacement. He keeps saying everyone he meets is crazy. I just nod and smile.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend looks for rescuers and/or people who have their own demons or who come from a tough family situation, etc.  Sometimes, when she's desperate, she will date one of the many male friends she has.  For a while, she was using Tinder and was turning one night stands into short relationships, but her current boyfriend is a co-worker.  She ate breakfast with him (a sure sign that she slept with him the night before, as this is a very clear pattern with her) the day before her birthday, which was just two days after she broke up with her previous boyfriend --- a man whom she told everyone she was going to marry.  Not long before the break up, he went to rehab for a few weeks, which is likely when my friend started looking for someone new.

Here's what I mean by her looking for rescuers or people with their own demons:

December 2014 - Dates a guy friend who had spent some time in jail.

January 2015 - Starts dating a guy who's father spent time in jail for stalking his mother.  Five months later, she attempted suicide in front of him, and he called the ambulance, leading her to refer to him as "the reason she's alive." 

April 2015 - While in the middle of that relationship, starts love bombing me and has an affair with me.  Tells me that her boyfriend is abusive. Tells me about all of the "abuse" she's endured over the years.  Tells me her father is crazy.  Tells me that her mother is crazy.  Tells me that everyone except me is crazy, basically.  I'm a rescuer, and she picked up on that.

September 2015 - Starts dating a co-worker who is also a drug dealer.

March 2016 - Starts dating the heroin addict I mentioned earlier. 

September 2016 - Starts dating a former member of the military who refuses to talk about why he left.  His sister was addicted to heroin and just got out of jail recently, so I'm sure my friend played the "My ex is a heroin addict" card. 

[FSTL]

After our second last break up, my BPD ex showed up at 1am very drunk after a work party and demanding that I help her and then, as she was falling asleep, insisted that I "make her feel special". She always spoke from the hear when drunk as her guard was done. She had left her messaging app open and I was suspiciious she had cheated on me at the last breakup (which is why she broke up) and I couldn't help myself, so I looked at her message.

It was like reading the mind of a crazy person as I could see she had lined up  another guy by perfectly deflecting his advances over 6 weeks until I was out of the country  for two weeks and then she went out with him the day after I left. When I got back, she broke up with me, then wanted to see me the next day, then I told her I wanted space, then we got back together.

She was stringing the two of us along, and even had a third poor shmuck she was deflecting by holding him off in the same was as the second guy. She had also reached out to every single ex I was aware of, going back years.

It showed her blue print about how she dealt with guys and it was all I needed to get outta there. I saw she was planning a night out with the second guy the next day and I later asked her why she didn't turn up at his place at 1am? The answer "because I was a worried he wouldn't let me". Again, all I needed to hear.

She reached out to me again at Christmas and New Year (probably when the other guy was away), but I told her politely (I don't want her going hostile on me) that we sholudn't message anymore and have since blocked her.

Seeing the messaging was pretty sickening at the time, but it also explained how this particular BPD managed to line up other people

Other thing I would add... .the whole time she was projecting on to me and accusing me of cheating on her. I was walking on egg shells, waiting to step on the next land mine. She, of course, was cheating her self.

A huge red flag for next time... .

[SummerStorm]

Yes, as FSTL mentioned, it seems pretty common for them to also contact all exes as well, when a relationship is nearing its end.  Back in late April, my BPD friend was at the beach, and she sent me a Snapchat of her posing in her bikini.  Who knows how many other exes and flings she sent it to?  I showed zero interest.   She got back from the trip, broke up with her boyfriend, and was back with the guy before him a few days later.  So, I guess she sent that picture to him as well, and he showed interest. 

But obviously, you can see how manipulative it is.  When you get a Snapchat like that, you think, "Oh, wow.  She sent that to ME?  She must want me back."  Of course, after a while, you realize she sent it to probably a dozen people.   

It's funny.   Whenever she breaks up with someone, I go on Facebook and see her commenting on her all of her exes' posts, liking their pictures, refriending ones she had blocked.  I used to fall into the trap of thinking she wanted me again, but I know better now.  She just wants anyone.  It doesn't matter who.

[vortex of confusion]

Ex's type is anybody that will have him.

Ex has to find people on the internet. It is kind of comical yet sad because I have yet to see anybody stick around after meeting him in person.

I talked to one of his love interests one time. He showed me her picture at a family Easter celebration and then later proceeded to tell me how great she was and how she inspired him, blah, blah, blah. She was somebody that he had known in college. He basically went hunting up old friends/women to see who he could suck in. She and I had an interesting conversation about how he tried to suck her in. It was the classic love bombing. It was getting her to feel sorry for him by telling her negative stuff about me.

When he was going through the 12 step process for his sex addiction, he got to the step where he was supposed to make amends. He used that as an excuse to contact all of his old love interests. He said it was to apologize/make amends. He forgot the part about not reaching out to people if it would hurt somebody. He convinced me that he had to do it for his healing. Um, no, he didn't. Since I was his wife, he should have left those women alone and focused on making amends to me. I think he was using his amends process as a way to reconnect with old love interests to see if he could get any takers.

[FSTL]

SummerStorm got it right.

I described my ex as "dangling" herself. Recently, after she knew I had seen her messages, she walked past a bar she knew I was at. She then showed up and stood a few feet from me. I am sure it was to see if I was interested.

Then at Christmas she sends me a message, then again at New Year's.

When you're low and want them back, you can make the mistake that you're special or significant to them. But really all you are (if anything) is available to fill their needs.

Much easier to block them, and then you never have to guess if you mean anything to them because you'll never hear from them.

[Rayban]

After the last recycle, she began changing her Facebook profile picture often.  Each time she would get "likes" from a series of different men. Some would dissapear, others have been liking her pictures for years.

To this day, I still shutter at the number of people she's been with. She's extremely charasmatic. People were just drawn to her. In a restaurant or a store, she would have the waitress or store clerk that she just met giving her special treatment.

[cbm419]

I'm a gay man, and in our community fast food sex is dollar menu cheap and easily available.

Even inside our relationship I caught him finding someone on an app for sex in five minutes, leaving the apartment for a "walk" and coming back 15-20 minutes later smelling like sex and dripping with guilt. he didnt even bother trying to lie.  I heard his gross story, told him to shower twice and brush his teeth three times, and sleep on the couch.

Like many others here have said with their exes, he has zero standards.  He actually seems to prefer the grosser types because those poor souls think hes a cute little jackpot and lavish him with attention, chase after him for weeks providing some hollow form of validation.

by 18 he estimated have 200+ casual partners with many of them being repeat offenders.  when he was young and untethered he would have sex with whoever, whenever the opportunity presented itself.  He admitted this himself, and began this pattern before his 15th birthday. He was extremely young looking then and was basically offering himself up to men older than his father... .total pedo types.

really. by the end of it I was sure the only thing that hadnt been in him was soap and water.  Looking back i'm not certain why or how i was ever capable of lowering my standards so far, so many times... .by the end I was limboing under a 1 inch bar. its all part of the spell they so expertly cast on us i suppose.

since we broke up almost 60 days ago I know he's been with at least 10 people by his own admission, I'm sure the number is higher.  And its only a matter of time one of these blokes is hypnotized by his cute charm and can convince themself he is anything more than a pricey sex toy with a heart beat.  I know it happened to me.  I thought I could turn a hoe into a housewife.  doesnt work folks!