Trouble in Shangri-La

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know over the last 2 years since we ended things I have wondered on and off if my BPDex has been happy with my replacement and if somehow he's not been having the same acting out issues with her as he did with me. Ours was the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever had.
I received a little more confirmation over the last few days that my exBPDbf is having issues with his new gf.
I haven't seen my ex active on Facebook in a long time. We have a mutual friend and he hasn't been listed as a friend of our mutual friend in over a year.
He's been with the new gf for about a year and a half and her status shows as "In a relationship" but it's never showed his name/Facebook profile. For the entire time they have been in a relationship he's never been linked to her Facbook page.
Then on December 30th I saw his name pop up on "People you may know".  
But both of his profile and background pics where black. Nothing at all.
Then a few days later it pops up with a pic of her and him for his profile pic but still a black background pic. For both it said "In a relationship with "his name" / "her name".
Then a few days later he's gone again and she's just showing as "In a relationship".
Then two days ago she changed her profile to "single". The next day it was back to "In a relationship" but he's still not back on Facebook.
So bizarre.
He still has an Instagram and no posts, no followers, no one following him. His profile pic on there is still a screen shot of a gift I made for him over two and a half years ago before we ended.
She has an Instagram and has pics of them posted but neither of them are linked.
Bizarre.
I guess things aren't going well after all and he is having issues in this relationship too.
I often wonder if she's experiencing the same things that I did with him.
I can't help but feel bad for her but even after two years I find it hard not to check up from time to time on him or check to see if they are still together.
I'm wondering if he's suffering the way I suffered when we ended.
Do any of you still keep tabs on your ex? If not, how did you stop?

[FlSunshineGirl]

I know over the last 2 years since we ended things I have wondered on and off if my BPDex has been happy with my replacement and if somehow he's not been having the same acting out issues with her as he did with me. Ours was the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever had.
I received a little more confirmation over the last few days that my exBPDbf is having issues with his new gf.
I haven't seen my ex active on Facebook in a long time. We have a mutual friend and he hasn't been listed as a friend of our mutual friend in over a year.
He's been with the new gf for about a year and a half and her status shows as "In a relationship" but it's never showed his name/Facebook profile. For the entire time they have been in a relationship he's never been linked to her Facbook page.
Then on December 30th I saw his name pop up on "People you may know".  
But both of his profile and background pics where black. Nothing at all.
Then a few days later it pops up with a pic of her and him for his profile pic but still a black background pic. For both it said "In a relationship with "his name" / "her name".
Then a few days later he's gone again and she's just showing as "In a relationship".
Then two days ago she changed her profile to "single". The next day it was back to "In a relationship" but he's still not back on Facebook.
So bizarre.
He still has an Instagram and no posts, no followers, no one following him. His profile pic on there is still a screen shot of a gift I made for him over two and a half years ago before we ended.
She has an Instagram and has pics of them posted but neither of them are linked.
Bizarre.
I guess things aren't going well after all and he is having issues in this relationship too.
I often wonder if she's experiencing the same things that I did with him.
I can't help but feel bad for her but even after two years I find it hard not to check up from time to time on him or check to see if they are still together.
I'm wondering if he's suffering the way I suffered when we ended.
Do any of you still keep tabs on your ex? If not, how did you stop?

[Turkish]

For me,  I can't help but keep tabs due to co-parenting. Despite the extreme drama on her side, I'm reminded of what my T told me almost three years ago: "she's an independent entity, free to make her own focus choices,  no matter how unwise you or I think those choices are.  Can you accept that?"

No matter how much we want whatever we define as "justice" our exes are just that: exes.  There free to be the people they are, but more importantly,  we're free to be who we are,  no longer walking on eggshells.

We're hurt, for sure.  I still have feelings of anger even three years out.  However, I'm my own person, and so is my pwBPD. It's freeing to me to free her to be her in my mind,  and in reality.  What do you think?

Detaching is a process.  There isn't a timeline here, but rather self awareness. We get stuck by ruminating, though a stage of ruminating is natural.  Despite seeing what you've seen,  how do you see yourself moving forward?

[FlSunshineGirl]

That's a great question and I really have no idea how to move forward with not ruminating or thinking of him and hoping someone hurts him as badly as he has hurt me. I guess each time I check up or find out something about his relationship not going well it does give me a feeling of justice (as you put it).
I've never been stuck quite like this before in any of my past relationships. There is much anger here with my last ex.
I've never had such a baffling relationship before and maybe I'm still just trying to make sense of it all. Never before had I been in a relationship with a person with BPD.
I've finally come to a point where I realized what attracted me to him - my own codependency issues. I've done a lot of work on myself in the last few years and I've been to a therapist. For the most part, I think I have grown a lot and just the fact that I've gotten to a place of NC with him when he's reached out to me is HUGE! I have always taken him back even though I wasn't happy and knew this was the wrong relationship for me.
Maybe because we do have a mutual friend and also our parents are close friends so they spend time together often and it's always reminding me of him.
When other relationships I've had didn't work out, we went our separate ways and there was no intermingling of families. I haven't seen or spoken to my other ex's.
My BPDex I'm constantly being reminded of so maybe that's also a part of why it's been hard to move forward?

[Turkish]

I can see how this would be additionally tough given the familiarity with the other people who are close to varying degrees.  Have you had any feedback from them,  as in pressure to act a certain way?

[K.G.]

In the past, before social media, I know I am showing my age, we would not have the past in our faces. I read your post feeling a little astounded. It seems to me you're looking for clues in the details you can find. Photos, status,etc. It's quite sad because it is self inflicted torture. Nothing to do with my ex, but about a year ago l came off Facebook. And l have to say l am so much happier for it. Maybe it is not possible to go that far, but l would recommend to minimise your use of social media as part of the healing process. Switch it off. Go outside. Find another hobby. Watch movies. Take up knitting! Just stay away from these sites. You can communicate with your friends in other ways.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Turkish,
Since my dad and his have been friends since they were very young, I just try not to involve anyone of them in this. It feels awkward to be around his parents now, so I just steer clear when they come around my parents house.
I've told my parents that I'm uncomfortable and they accept that and support me. They don't really pry and ask too many questions, which is good.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you for the advice KG, definitely something to consider.