Newly married with BPD wife

[Bobdole462]

Good morning everyone.  As others who have posted here, I am at an end and need help.  I am newly married for 4 months but have been with my wife for 3 years now.  The first two years of the relationship were great.  We moved to Florida to be with her daughter as she had been separated from her after her divorce 3 years ago.  I had never wanted kids but have learned to love her daughter as one of my own.  It was a month after I proposed to my wife that she had discussed that she had been diagnosed with BPD but has it under control.  I am not sure if that talk triggered something but after that, it all went downhill.  Her outbursts are frequent and I never have a clue what I have done.  She doesn't really relay to me what the problem is, just that I should know what I have done to make her so angry.  I have read numerous articles and watched doctors videos about how the relationship with someone with BPD would be.  Nothing has prepared me to actually live it.  A roller coaster ride is calling it mildly.  Last week, my family came down to Florida for a week to stay and go to a bowl game here in Orlando.  It was a terrible experience.  By the end of the week on Friday, my wife was telling me she wanted a divorce.  She had threatened to break up with me while we were engaged but I always told her that if she ever said those words, there was no coming back.  She was very intoxicated that night and doesn't quite remember the conversation as each time she drinks, she is extremely angry but never remembers what happens.  She threatened suicide all day Saturday while I was at work and I had only talked to her that day to make sure she was alright.  Once I got home, I told her what had happened the night before and I did not want to speak with her while I tried to understand what all my emotions were.  I ended up forgiving her as she was crying and saying she would never say that and didn't mean it.  I just havn't been the same since.  I am empty inside, that was the last straw I was hanging on to and it was broken.  As a few other spouses had tried, whenever I can see her BPD episodes coming on, I will tell her that I will not engage in the conversation and I will leave the room to go to a separate room.  She will continue to yell at me and almost every time, follow me into the next room and continue yelling.  Her ex-husband is a psychologist who knew how to handle her and the outbursts and they were married for 10 years.  I take things personally and she will keep picking until she gets a response out of me.  I am a quite easy-going person and I don't like confrontations.  I try my best to contain myself when she is yelling but after so much, I cannot take it anymore and will yell back and walk away.  I just need some help to deal with the emotions of this relationship.  How am I supposed to feel loved when the majority of the time, all I see and feel is hate?  Thank you all for any help you can provide.

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[Red5]

Bobdole462, .wow, sounds like we are in the exact same boat my friend, I can relate, and as well compare to everything you wrote in your post. I have been with my wife for almost ten years now, six of these years married, we dated for 3.5 years... .looking back she really put on a good show and kept it all under the radar for the most part, until we were finally married, and then the cloak was pulled back so to say. Same stuff, constant anger, outburst, no clue as to really what I'd done, threats of divorce form both of us, I even moved her back to her own home for about six months to get  a break, things were so bad, and we reconciled (?)... .but same old behaviors all came back... she is also a mean drunk, she drinks wine until she can hardly walk, and that when all the inhibitions are gone, and I really get it... .at this point I have given up for the most part, and have "opted out", I have gone "stone cold" to her, they call this gray rock... .or else "stone walling"... .I have now decided not to even participate any longer in her never ending tirades... .I could go on and on... .I really feel for you... .my best "new guy here ' advise, as I am a "new guy" at this, is to get educated, get smart, arm yourself with the ability to recognize what is happening... .and do not loose your temper with her, try to escape, and but up some emotional boundaries... .good luck to you, .there are many more chapters to my own personal story, that coincide with what is happening in my own current marriage... .but I won't go into all that in this post... .again, seek as many resources as you can, and get smart on this... .I have to tell you, form what I now understand, this is not a cure all for this, but only coping mechanisms... .a person (woman) who displays all these BPD behavioral traits, is something of a conundrum, you are never going to win a fight or else a disagreement, seems in spite of any abandonment fears thy may have, they are constantly pushing you away, and almost always very destructive to the relationship... .please be careful, and take care of yourself... .I learn something new everyday about this... .

[Five28]

Agree with everything Red5 said. My wife of 36 years also hid this problem from me until a few years after we got married. The main thing I want to point out is that it never goes away, never gets better, and it is you who have to learn to cope with it. Life can be miserable living with a BPD spouse. You're still a newlywed, so you have to educate yourself on how to go through the rest of your life living with someone who has a serious mental illness, or get out while you can.