New member in need of support/advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi to all of you in the BPD family.  This is my first posting from a guy who's innermost feelings are rarely shared. However, I am going through so much pain now that I finally decided to reach out. My BPD and I are recently divorced.

 All along I experienced the extreme mood swings and periodic violent rages that came out of nowhere. I kept clinging to hope that she would get better, but it never happened.

What kept me hanging on were the good periods when she was an absolute dream... .with an almost childlike, seemingly unconditional love that I had never experienced before.   Not only that, she is beautiful. In fact (and I don't mean to sound boastful) people called us a "head turning couple."  It was as if we were put on this earth to be together. But I guess I was (and still am )  in love with half a person.

It's just that the extreme good side was such an overwhelming, overpowering  force that I can't seem to get past it even though the raging, extreme bad side was going to put me in an early grave. And she would never agree to get help.   But I still miss her, terribly. Yet I know I can't go back. Her rages were increasing in frequency as she got older.  I don't know, maybe if I had only recognized the little triggers more.  But it's too late now.  So, how do I ever get over the love of my life?

[Rollercoaster ri]

Hi to all of you in the BPD family.  This is my first posting from a guy who's innermost feelings are rarely shared. However, I am going through so much pain now that I finally decided to reach out. My BPD and I are recently divorced.

 All along I experienced the extreme mood swings and periodic violent rages that came out of nowhere. I kept clinging to hope that she would get better, but it never happened.

What kept me hanging on were the good periods when she was an absolute dream... .with an almost childlike, seemingly unconditional love that I had never experienced before.   Not only that, she is beautiful. In fact (and I don't mean to sound boastful) people called us a "head turning couple."  It was as if we were put on this earth to be together. But I guess I was (and still am )  in love with half a person.

It's just that the extreme good side was such an overwhelming, overpowering  force that I can't seem to get past it even though the raging, extreme bad side was going to put me in an early grave. And she would never agree to get help.   But I still miss her, terribly. Yet I know I can't go back. Her rages were increasing in frequency as she got older.  I don't know, maybe if I had only recognized the little triggers more.  But it's too late now.  So, how do I ever get over the love of my life?

[Germanic]

Rollercoaster,

I can share your pain and your experience.  I felt exactly the same way about my BPDex.  He was damned good looking, physically fit, financially successful and cut a powerful presence.  Like you and your ex, we seemed to be a couple which turned heads.  That type of reinforcement in public is amazing stuff!  I was so proud to be in his company!  I think he felt the same about me.  He wanted to introduce me to everyone he knew or encountered.

But as wonderful as it was, apparently my experiences like yours with a BPD partner, eventually the bad outweighed the good.  I have never been involved in anything like this regarding a mental health issue.  I did not even know what BPD was until after I ended the relationship.  I just knew that something was very, very wrong.  I was becoming convinced that there was something very wrong with me.  My ex was very intelligent and a professional in the human resources profession.  I respected his opinions on relationship matters and people skills.  It just took a while before I realized that there was something very underhanded about what was actually happening to me and my relationship with this person.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would have ended my relationship with this person I would have said, "absolutely no way."  Well now, I eat my words!  It's hard to get over this but one thing I am doing is trying to read here on this website and understand how BPD has affected other peoples' relationships and in doing so, I see that I have been very fortunate to have been able to get out before things got too bad.  By doing so, you can look back on the positives and frame your thoughts that the positives outweigh the negatives.  Things could be worse.  You could still be in the relationship with the BPD partner and having your life still being made a living hell.

Realize the benefits of your freedom and anticipate the adventure of seeking a new relationship and now knowing what you know about relationships and the pitfalls of encountering a BPD in your search, you can be more skilled to look out for those issues.  Who knew that there exists a mental condition out there that makes people so incredibly fascinating and charming on one hand and on the other, potentially dangerous.  The moment I really knew I had to do something was when my BPD partner and I were completely alone and he did something which compromised my safety and security, I knew then I had to put on the brakes and probably I had to get out.  If something tragic would have happened in that scenario, there would have been no one to witness it in order to  get to the truth of what could have happened.  Scary stuff.

You can make it!  Be positive and read, understand and share.  In spite of being the self described type that keeps it all in, I suspect that you have a close friend or relative out there who cares deeply for you and this is the perfect opportunity to reach out to them for their help to just listen to you.  You'll be amazed at how much support you can receive right there and you confidante will be honored that you trusted them with something that affects you so deeply.  Hang in there!  You can get through it.  I am in spite of losing what I thought was one of the most incredibly attractive, sexy and intelligent men I have ever met.  You have to think just how fortunate are exes are that they had the opportunity to be with us.  We gave them our time, our love and devotion and commitment.  We are not obligated to give them or anyone our entire soul or our life.             

[Rollercoaster ri]

Dear Germanic
Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.  My family members were aware of the situation, but none of them have any idea of the plethora of emotions and pain a BPD can put you through... .only those who have been through it (like yourself) can really understand... .as well as those who've had training on BPD.  I've not seen a therapist yet. I'm gonna give BPD family a try first  Again I send you my thanks for that uplifting message.