BPD husband ends relationship, again

[Archaeo]

I am new to this kind of thing and I have been in a very isolated world with my BPD husband for many years. Only my parents know about my husbands BPD and PTSD but even they do not know the full extent of his illness nor do they know the extent of what I have experienced. I have been married for nearly 15 years to a man who was sexually, physically and emotionally abused in childhood. Yes, I entered into a very chaotic world that I did not know about initially. We have been through so much, including one separation, that he initiated suddenly, two years ago, in a blaze of chaos and pain. I will be honest here, I have been cheated on, emotionally abused and lied to. I have missed opportunities in life because of my husband. I have been exposed to shocking behaviours and painful realities about life and society.

I went back to the relationship after nearly a year, believing all his promises, his efforts to get help. Things were going very, very well and we went to Europe for Christmas. While there, he came undone and on Christmas Day, he snapped. It has been horrific. We were in another country living my white Christmas dream. We got home and it has prgressively got worse and he has ended the relationship, again. Like before, he is projecting all the blame onto me, cruelly and has shut me out of his life. He finally spoke to me yesterday after 7 days of ignoring me. Like last time, he is moving swiftly and coldly, wanting our separation as quickly as possible and shows no sensitivity to my feelings of distress and pain.

I know this must be over this time, for my sake. He refuses to get help and is circling down into another dark period of infidelity, substance abuse and narcissism. I do not know what to say or ask for on here and I guess I will get the hang of it eventually. I do not know what to say or where to start, after so many years doing this.

I am in a world of pain and grief and fear for him. But I know I must care for myself first. That is hard for me. He cannot be alone and in our last separation, he lasted four days before calling me in an inconsolable state and begging me to come back. I know it will happen again. I have read many books, articles and other material and I understand BPD as much as I can. But I need help with the personal. The loneliness and pain that comes with no one knowing what I have been through, how hurt and damaged I am and what is really happening with my husband.
Please help me.

I need support and strength to get through yet another, but final separation. Thanks

[cbm419]

Welcome! I am so sorry to hear about what your going thru. It sounds so devastating. From what you describe, I think you've found the right place.

I too dealt with an incredible amount of abuse, emotional and physical, in the rages or push/pull cycles (a lot of posters here struggle with this in particular), really bizarre and abhorrent cheating.

Most of all, his illness began to completely co opt my entire mind and life. By the end of it I, like you wrote, was taking blame for it myself. I accepted it was my role to keep both sides of the street clean. "If I didn't say abc he wouldn't have cheated/hit me". Then ruminate over his sick reactions and obsess "why didn't j just say xyz instead! He wouldn't have hurt me."

Sure enough, next time I held my tongue and said xyz. Now I'm wishing I said abc instead!  There is no logic to this thinking. You can't manage two peoples emotions,caretake two lives, take responsibility for both parties blame.

That's just not how things work. But we get so caught in FOG of fear, obligation and guilt that we can't see the forest for the trees.

And the cheating ... .my BPDexs go to solution for a fight, any rejection, failure in life not related to the relationship... .heck, Sometimes boredom!

He also had an abusive childhood and potential sex abuse. Maybe for this he had such a strange relationship with sex. But he would cheat in such disgusting, despicable ways. With people objectively much less attractive than us both. But they would lavish him with attention and chase after him (they must think they hit jackpot) and he would enjoy this game and teasing these people. In other instances he would find degrading encounters that were horrifying to learn about. I truly think he was seeking both to repurpose and relive some aspect of his dysfunctional sexual development.

Anyhow. That's just a sliver of what I went thru, to be sure!

People here are great. Many more articulate Than me with true wisdom and knowledge.

Focus on you right now! When things got bad for me, I began to come here instead of wallowing or chasing after him... .it was so easy to forget they toss you like a boomerang and the one benefit of pushes is it gives you a moment to really take self inventory and let the sunlight in.