2 motnths broken up: its a roller coaster, but it gets easier. Happy again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sort of a ramble around different developments but I love sharing them here, especially when theres hope to share!

Still broken up and solidly in month 2.  We are not on NC.  I engage minimally out of concern, he is known to make good on threats of self harm and says he will hurt himself if I block or otherwise ignore him.  That said, I usually just let the rubbish pile up and answer with a brief "hope the best for you" (it seems the black/white painting cycle gets a lot faster in breakup, any one else experience this?)

since the breakup he has been having casual sex, never hesitates to tell me when and who they were.  Usually very unattractive people who will lavish my rather good looking ex with attention. This has always been his thing. Lots of partners, one and done, then he gets a thrill/validation from the chase of these partners wanting more.

he regularly asks me if i am seeing people or going on dates or engaging in casual sex.  It was not until I had a dinner date Thursday (two days ago) that I had even thought of anyone new. I got a few dating apps, but was really more there for affirmation.  It feels really great to be told your attractive again, to have people take an interest in who I am.  I know that long term, only I can make me feel good about myself.  But I've been so depleted by my BPD relationship that a little jump-start from the outside in cant hurt.

So in the daily inquisition of him asking what I'm doing, the question came up again. I'm an honest person, and want him to understand we both need to move on.  Despite his actions since the breakup, when he splits to loving/wounded/childlike he will send piles of text about how he just wants to stop, get help for his promiscuity, but cant or wont do it if i dont take him back and see him first. I just say no, hope the best for you.  Anyhow, I told him I was going on a date later that night when he asked. 

The black white became like a spin cycle. 

Immediately: No! how could you? what is wrong with you? (in various forms repeated 15 minutes)

me: its been two months and you have had probably double digit casual sex partners.  I am just getting dinner.  I really would like to make friends more than anything else, I dont know many people here (moved back home during detachment).

him: it doesnt matter what I'm doing. Its just worthless sex.  your getting dinner with him!

Me: this is why we are not going to be together.  I dont believe in anything like worthless casual sex.  Sex is a profound and intimate experience and, to me, a sacred gift I can give and share with someone i emotionally connect to. During our relationship, our sex was literally sacred to me... .it was you who chose to sleep with 50+ people in 3 years and not stop despite my warnings or in the face of my clear devastation. You should be with someone who shares your values regarding sex.

him: our sex IS sacred, I have a problem.

Me (losing patience at how he isn't even addressing my points): And you chose to not get help. for 3 years.

him: I want help.  But I need you.  I guess this new person is worth more to you than me?

me: no, they are worth nothing, we havent even met yet. that makes no sense.  you will always have a special place in my heart.

him: I can't believe youre meeting anyone at all! HOW COULD YOU?

the next 15 minutes i just put my phone away and came back to alternating death threats to whoever I was meeting, threats of violence, childlike begging, etc.  cycles less than 30 seconds on this. then today- he blocked me! after spending all of last night begging for us to just talk on the phone (no way jose). Honestly thrilled with this development.  kinda worried me at first... .had a very short sensation of sadness, but it passed. that sadness used to take weeks to go away during the on/off.  Phew!

Normally it would be during childlike begging i would give in and (in the past) reconcile or (currently) drop my guard and play nice.  And its not until very recently Ive realized that engaging that split- the wounded, sad child, was the essential pull back for me, but was also the exact thing that if gotten too close to, an eggshell broke, WATCH OUT! he really only has that and the demon split.  maybe some compartments or more complex features in childlike.  plus, of course, everyones creepy favorite: dissociated state.

It just makes me so happy to have found this board so I could get out alive and begin to rebuild myself.

Literally, as we got closer his sexual behaviors became so innocent and childlike I sometimes felt like a pedophile! I'm a guy, 10 years older than him (so yes I'm gay ). he would sometimes call me Daddy in bed, and would coo and pretty much baby talk about what he wanted to do sexually. It was so weird! but on the physical side of things, he performs like an adult porn star, so I just took the weird that came along with it. I'm just now seeing how odd, incredibly dysfunctional and kinda gross it was.  FOG was too thick before.

Looking back, I can see such a pronounced correlation between the increase of his childlike behaviors in bed (where they were not subtle) and in life (more subtle, didnt notice how i was slowly becoming like... .well... .a father figure to him) and the increase in rages, fights, paranoid psychosis (scary).  The more I caretaked the child, gave into it, the more far the pendulum would swing in the opposite direction. 

Its kind of crazy.  Early on I was better with boundaries, motivated him to be smarter, do better in life and stop blaming/focusing on his very insane mothers issues (and what they caused for him). To be independent.  we barely ever disagreed or fought. Now I realize i was his next victim after his mother, and I pity whoever is next.

But I feel great! relieved.  And my date was pretty darn awesome.  I know many here are too early on in the mend, but I gotta say- if you've been considering a date with someone new, go for it.  You'll either realize what a normal social date feels like... .or if your unlucky, the person may be BPD/NPD.  thankfully youll see it from a mile away.

and being called daddy... .ugh. ew.

[cbm419]

Sort of a ramble around different developments but I love sharing them here, especially when theres hope to share!

Still broken up and solidly in month 2.  We are not on NC.  I engage minimally out of concern, he is known to make good on threats of self harm and says he will hurt himself if I block or otherwise ignore him.  That said, I usually just let the rubbish pile up and answer with a brief "hope the best for you" (it seems the black/white painting cycle gets a lot faster in breakup, any one else experience this?)

since the breakup he has been having casual sex, never hesitates to tell me when and who they were.  Usually very unattractive people who will lavish my rather good looking ex with attention. This has always been his thing. Lots of partners, one and done, then he gets a thrill/validation from the chase of these partners wanting more.

he regularly asks me if i am seeing people or going on dates or engaging in casual sex.  It was not until I had a dinner date Thursday (two days ago) that I had even thought of anyone new. I got a few dating apps, but was really more there for affirmation.  It feels really great to be told your attractive again, to have people take an interest in who I am.  I know that long term, only I can make me feel good about myself.  But I've been so depleted by my BPD relationship that a little jump-start from the outside in cant hurt.

So in the daily inquisition of him asking what I'm doing, the question came up again. I'm an honest person, and want him to understand we both need to move on.  Despite his actions since the breakup, when he splits to loving/wounded/childlike he will send piles of text about how he just wants to stop, get help for his promiscuity, but cant or wont do it if i dont take him back and see him first. I just say no, hope the best for you.  Anyhow, I told him I was going on a date later that night when he asked. 

The black white became like a spin cycle. 

Immediately: No! how could you? what is wrong with you? (in various forms repeated 15 minutes)

me: its been two months and you have had probably double digit casual sex partners.  I am just getting dinner.  I really would like to make friends more than anything else, I dont know many people here (moved back home during detachment).

him: it doesnt matter what I'm doing. Its just worthless sex.  your getting dinner with him!

Me: this is why we are not going to be together.  I dont believe in anything like worthless casual sex.  Sex is a profound and intimate experience and, to me, a sacred gift I can give and share with someone i emotionally connect to. During our relationship, our sex was literally sacred to me... .it was you who chose to sleep with 50+ people in 3 years and not stop despite my warnings or in the face of my clear devastation. You should be with someone who shares your values regarding sex.

him: our sex IS sacred, I have a problem.

Me (losing patience at how he isn't even addressing my points): And you chose to not get help. for 3 years.

him: I want help.  But I need you.  I guess this new person is worth more to you than me?

me: no, they are worth nothing, we havent even met yet. that makes no sense.  you will always have a special place in my heart.

him: I can't believe youre meeting anyone at all! HOW COULD YOU?

the next 15 minutes i just put my phone away and came back to alternating death threats to whoever I was meeting, threats of violence, childlike begging, etc.  cycles less than 30 seconds on this. then today- he blocked me! after spending all of last night begging for us to just talk on the phone (no way jose). Honestly thrilled with this development.  kinda worried me at first... .had a very short sensation of sadness, but it passed. that sadness used to take weeks to go away during the on/off.  Phew!

Normally it would be during childlike begging i would give in and (in the past) reconcile or (currently) drop my guard and play nice.  And its not until very recently Ive realized that engaging that split- the wounded, sad child, was the essential pull back for me, but was also the exact thing that if gotten too close to, an eggshell broke, WATCH OUT! he really only has that and the demon split.  maybe some compartments or more complex features in childlike.  plus, of course, everyones creepy favorite: dissociated state.

It just makes me so happy to have found this board so I could get out alive and begin to rebuild myself.

Literally, as we got closer his sexual behaviors became so innocent and childlike I sometimes felt like a pedophile! I'm a guy, 10 years older than him (so yes I'm gay ). he would sometimes call me Daddy in bed, and would coo and pretty much baby talk about what he wanted to do sexually. It was so weird! but on the physical side of things, he performs like an adult porn star, so I just took the weird that came along with it. I'm just now seeing how odd, incredibly dysfunctional and kinda gross it was.  FOG was too thick before.

Looking back, I can see such a pronounced correlation between the increase of his childlike behaviors in bed (where they were not subtle) and in life (more subtle, didnt notice how i was slowly becoming like... .well... .a father figure to him) and the increase in rages, fights, paranoid psychosis (scary).  The more I caretaked the child, gave into it, the more far the pendulum would swing in the opposite direction. 

Its kind of crazy.  Early on I was better with boundaries, motivated him to be smarter, do better in life and stop blaming/focusing on his very insane mothers issues (and what they caused for him). To be independent.  we barely ever disagreed or fought. Now I realize i was his next victim after his mother, and I pity whoever is next.

But I feel great! relieved.  And my date was pretty darn awesome.  I know many here are too early on in the mend, but I gotta say- if you've been considering a date with someone new, go for it.  You'll either realize what a normal social date feels like... .or if your unlucky, the person may be BPD/NPD.  thankfully youll see it from a mile away.

and being called daddy... .ugh. ew.

[Germanic]

cbm419,

Reading your posting I see we have lots in common with our BPD experience.  I just wanted to say that I was debating on whether to go out tonight to have a good time and maybe meet new people.  It's exactly a month for me that I ended the relationship with my BPD partner which I never knew anything about the condition until after I ended it.
Thanks toy your comments, I now have motivation to go ahead and get out there tonight and move on.

I was seven years older than my ex but at my age, I don't think it made much difference however I feel very young at heart, just seasoned. From what you posted, your experiences with your former partner's behaviors seem very similar to mine.  I could not get over the fact that at the end my ex acted so childlike.  At the very end I even told him he acted like a very spoiled brat who was handed a very nice toy which he played with for a bit and then finally slammed it into the wall and destroyed it just to see what reaction he could get.

My ex may have got the reaction he ultimately wanted, I quit him.  Upwards and onwards.  Thanks for your encouraging words!       

[cbm419]

cbm419,

Reading your posting I see we have lots in common with our BPD experience.  I just wanted to say that I was debating on whether to go out tonight to have a good time and maybe meet new people.  It's exactly a month for me that I ended the relationship with my BPD partner which I never knew anything about the condition until after I ended it.
Thanks toy your comments, I now have motivation to go ahead and get out there tonight and move on.

I was seven years older than my ex but at my age, I don't think it made much difference however I feel very young at heart, just seasoned. From what you posted, your experiences with your former partner's behaviors seem very similar to mine.  I could not get over the fact that at the end my ex acted so childlike.  At the very end I even told him he acted like a very spoiled brat who was handed a very nice toy which he played with for a bit and then finally slammed it into the wall and destroyed it just to see what reaction he could get.

My ex may have got the reaction he ultimately wanted, I quit him.  Upwards and onwards.  Thanks for your encouraging words!        

Your so welcome! Thank you for sharing.  I've said on here before- its eerie.  Its like some of us were somehow dating the same exact person.  Your partner could have easily been mine, especially in the endgame.

And yay! Go have fun.  early on we isolate to sort out our own thoughts.  gotta lick the wounds.  nothing wrong with that.  But I think for many people here in detaching, if we start see a ray of light through the clouds, we should seize the opportunity.

the person I went on the date with said i was possibly the most attractive, interesting and overall best first date they had in a long time.  I had to be careful not to overshare, talk about my ex little if at all, and realize they would be turned off by the overbearing clingyness patterns I adopted from my last relationship.  But i did great!  I'm sure you'll have a blast as well!

two months ago i would look in a mirror and just think Ugly. Loser. Ugly.

when healthy thoughts come back, they turn into healthy actions... .and it feels triumphant.

[Germanic]

Well you can go to bed tonight knowing that you helped one hurting soul out there to get off the couch and get back out there and in the game!

Your words made the difference!  Best of luck on your end.  One thing I know, neither of us did anything wrong.  We just fell in love with someone much younger and way more immature than we needed to deal with and it was because of their mental illness.  Like you, I don't plan to share outside on my recent experiences.  Some knowledge gained we should just keep to ourselves!

  

[cbm419]

Well, his blocking of me and swearing me off lasted 24 hours or less.  He's back at it sending a lot of small talk texts and acting like the last few days werent as explosive for him as they actually were. maybe slight dissociated state now?  or did he just drop the demon split and go back to sad/fearful/child like split?

As much torture he put me through, I must admit I do pity him so much and couldnt imagine what its like to be a BPD.  mine has done very shameful things, was intensely and inappropriately promiscuous, actively seeking degradation and to be used.

If they ever do get their moral compass fixed and the disorder into remission, I'm sure they must look back with horror and remorse, shame and humiliation.

its very easy to sympathize with mine.  he wasnt high functioning, exceptionally intelligent.  I've read a lot of experiences other members had with those types, and I think I'd have an easier time detaching if this was the case.

mine was just like a sad, lonely guy... .he'd literally fall asleep in the fetal position, close fisted hands pressed together, in my arms.

so sad.  but lots of sad things in the world! You dont date someone cuz you pity them.  

[Germanic]

Be careful as you move forward... .you are in a very vulnerable point right now and you r ex is working every angle.  Just be strong and don't let him continue to manipulate you from his position of weakness preying on your sympathies... .

I went out and had a blast!  I net new people which gat me an ego boost in the fact knowing that in spite of all the years, I have not lost it yet.

You seen to be a warn and giving individual.  Please don't let you ex's dive to the bottom take you with him.  He will try to do it.  Be strong and move forward.  Try to sever the ties.  You are not responsible for his actions or mistakes.  Remember, it's his loss, not yours...

Upward and onward!     

[nooni]

two months ago i would look in a mirror and just think Ugly. Loser. Ugly.

when healthy thoughts come back, they turn into healthy actions... .and it feels triumphant.

Thank you so much for sharing. Your words actually help easy my pain. Right now I find it hard to believe I'll ever find a significant relationship again. I got so used to thinking bad things about myself. that I'm worthless, stupid. overreacting. over emotional.

Deep in my heart I know that I was just treated badly. I hope that now that I'm able to see it, I'll be able to heal from it.

I'm 3 weeks with NC. still in pain. still kind of sad that he's not even trying to reach out to me. did I mean so little to him?

[Germanic]

nooni,

I'm at exactly four weeks from my BPD relationship ending and maintaining NC.  I too have wrestled with the idea that since my BPDex has not contacted me that maybe the whole thing was not real.

In all honesty, when I sent him the email asking for the alone time for the holidays and suggested that only if he could change his attitude towards my feelings and beliefs would there ever be any more than a friendship (My ex began seriously berating and bashing me for my beliefs and opinions which differed from his) he called 4 times in rapid fire succession while I was on the line with a good friend.  I would not take his call at that time.  He never left a message and then sent an email to my 23 year old niece announcing to her that "we" ended the relationship.  I can only assume since he never left a message with each of those four phone calls that he only wanted to blast me again just one more time.  Even if he would have been rational if I took his call at that point, all I have to do is look to his action shortly thereafter to send the email to my niece stating "we" ended the relationship.  My niece, who is very intelligent and loves me very much liked my ex but also witnessed his irrational behavior to the point that on two separate occasions, she called him on the carpet about it       

I think if we chose to go NC and our BPDexs do the same, we probably should not look that gift horse in the mouth.  The mutual NC eliminates a lot of unnecessary drama and makes it easier for us to process and move forward.  Unfortunately, with the ease comes opportunity to pine for what had and start to wonder how our ex is feeling.  With NC, we can only speculate and make assumptions.  I believe I read a suggestion in a post here recently that said never "assume" anything.  I think we just have to take everything at face value and deal rationally with our processing as we move forward.

36 hours ago, I thought the worst was behind me.  At this moment, I feel like I am sliding back with pain but I believe that's to be expected as well.  I'm new to this experience but I find reading and sharing here with these postings helps me process.  I've had a few relationships and breakups over the years but not one that affected me like this one.  Hang in there.  I don't think it will be easy to recover but I believe with persistence, it's doable!             

[cbm419]

I will say a small benefit from not going full "No contact" is seeing the progression of their disorder as the detachment settles in.

Listen, I dont mean to sound cruel. And I am never outwardly or willfully cruel to my BPDex. I am actually more sincerely supportive and hopeful for him now, than I ever was, when I was still a victim inside the relationship.  I always provide hopeful replies to his (now) desperate messages... .I don't vent my anger upon him anymore, because there is none left.  I am fully happy to have decided to move on.

However, he does text me quite every moment it seems possible in the day. And what I've noticed is a fully fledged manifestation of his illness as he copes.

the Black/White treatment of me now cycles every 30 seconds instead of every week.

the observable alternation between his own part-time selves- the wounded child and threatened, angry demon-like creature, now alternate so quickly its quite absurd to observe.

again... .i now get maybe 30-60 seconds before an alteration occurs. I am not taking pleasure in now seeing my exes illness for what it really is.  As I've imparted in prior posts for this thread, I verily pity him.  Now, on the outside looking in, I am now just truly understanding how painful and in-navigable his life truly is.

But, in the last 4 days, I've been on three refreshing dates with functional, normal people. I began to understand and appreciate what normal conversations feel like. the push/pull of real people in the game of courtship, the thrill of the chase, as opposed to the disordered Push/pull, I was living in prior.  have you any idea what its like to enjoy an intellectual joust and laugh at, rather than demonize, differences of opinions? its like putting your feet one the ground after years in the stratosphere.

on one of these last 4 days, I attended a dinner party with about 20 associates. A few of them were people ive known nearly a decade, close friends who began to distance themselves from me as they saw me deconstruct, withdraw, and insisted I leave my BPDex in their healthy reaction to this observable decline.  These friends were so delighted at what they saw. Again, after a few dates with (NORMAL) people ive begun to remember what it just feels like to be me.  and feel free from my BPDex in a way I havent before. its enabled me to truly regain such confidence.  My friends in this situation could see.  As the 5 of us were talking in a small group, one mentioned that he had not seen me like this in at least 3 years. they all began to agree... .and... .so did I. we were having fun like we were always meant to.

all the while, the texts pile up from the Ex. he begs for us to try to fix this.  He admits he has fallen into a cycle of casual, degrading sex- things that would upset or threaten me inside our relationship- and that the only cure for his sickness and only way for him to stop would be me to take him back, see him, and again caretake his issues. If I dont give into his demand, he will continue to seek out promiscuous sex partners and "it will just get worse until I take him back."  He is in his "dark vixen" mode and trying to guilt me into re-engaging to stop him.  This many times worked, if not always, the last few years.  

but the more he sends me these dark, perverted and dyfunctional texts... .the least I am interested in "romanticizing" what used to be "Us". the one downfall of NC is that you dont get to see what I am now:
the progression of the illness in an abandonment phase. You get to see what they were probably cycling through all the while before and just as YOU met them .

What I've come to understand, based on my experience and the generally honest disclosures from my BPDex is that before we met, and shortly into our r/s, he was cycling uncontrollably. He had a person he believed he loved who 4 months before meeting me, he would have sacrificed anything for.  But this person recognized my ex was unstable at early phases in the r/s and cut him out.  In the preceding months before we met, my ex describes as total anarchy.  mostly sexual soothing from partners who provided him attention.  over 100 of them in 6 months.

well. sheesh. Now, 3 years later, I know him quite well.  I know I can now accept his internal drivers when we first met for what they truly are: a symptom of an illness. And I know that all these things he's "threatening me with" and "carrying out" in my name, are the same things that other gentleman referenced above.

This is a pull. This is an attempt to degrade himself, so low, that I will have no choice but to (white knight) find him and resolve his distress.  This was ALWAYS the pattern I dealt with.

Nooni, stay strong and do something for you! "Move a muscle, change a thought." take action.  the dates I speak of are surely not my next long term relationship, if anything more.  I'm just giving myself to breathe apart from my BPD, and see how the rest of the "real world" works.  I can happily inform you, the more you confront this quizzical normal world, the entirely more managable your separation will be come.  

Just do it! everyone who's on the fence I would insist owes it to themselves to try.  If your 50/50 on meeting that girl/guy for coffee, give it a shot! You probably wont meet your lifelong partner, but you'll undersant how insane the things are you dealt with the moment you get to know someone new.

You'll never let the sunlight in if you walk with eyes closed.

[Germanic]

cbm419,

Read your most recent post regarding staying in contact with your BPDex giving you the opportunity to see where he's going.  While I am no expert in relationship breakups and until just a few weeks ago, I had no idea what BPD even is, it appears that your ex needs real serious help and suggest that because of his promises of all will be 'cured' if you just take him back  this is just classic BPD manipulation.

From what I have read here on this website, ex's are generally the least likely person to provide the help and support these people need.  If he's texting you and reaching out to you at that volume and frequency, how can you heal with all that going on in your daily life?

Everyone processes differently but I feel especially in a situation as volatile as yours, you may need to put the distance there for your benefitting your own healing.  Trust me when I say the NC for me with my BPDex breaks my heart but continuing on with the mind games and abuse was wrecking my daily life and thought patterns.  All this texting and communication right now can't be doing you any good.  Honestly, I feel that one day in the not too distant future I may hear from my ex but I truly hope that day never comes.  I know how that handle such a situation if he were to contact me would be the most challenging part of my entire detachment.

Hang in there but start focusing on you and no one else for a while.  Your words helped me immensely so I share some of mine with you hoping for the same for you. Best of luck!         

[cbm419]

cbm419,

Read your most recent post regarding staying in contact with your BPDex giving you the opportunity to see where he's going.  While I am no expert in relationship breakups and until just a few weeks ago, I had no idea what BPD even is, it appears that your ex needs real serious help and suggest that because of his promises of all will be 'cured' if you just take him back  this is just classic BPD manipulation.

From what I have read here on this website, ex's are generally the least likely person to provide the help and support these people need.  If he's texting you and reaching out to you at that volume and frequency, how can you heal with all that going on in your daily life?

Everyone processes differently but I feel especially in a situation as volatile as yours, you may need to put the distance there for your benefitting your own healing.  Trust me when I say the NC for me with my BPDex breaks my heart but continuing on with the mind games and abuse was wrecking my daily life and thought patterns.  All this texting and communication right now can't be doing you any good.  Honestly, I feel that one day in the not too distant future I may hear from my ex but I truly hope that day never comes.  I know how that handle such a situation if he were to contact me would be the most challenging part of my entire detachment.

Hang in there but start focusing on you and no one else for a while.  Your words helped me immensely so I share some of mine with you hoping for the same for you. Best of luck!         

Germanic, Thanks so much for your input. I totally get where you're coming from.  Of course, his contact isnt supportive of me.  But in a different way, it has been supportive of me staying broken up.

In this, and previous relationships, I would often find myself romanticizing my exes during separation.  With less contact and real life interaction, I would begin to forget all the bad and gaslight myself into missing all the "good". It often kept me coming back into the relationship in some form, even with other exes than my mess of a BPD ex.

I truly understand and appreciate what you, nooni and many others on this board have been dealing with. When you jettison these people and watch them vanish in the horizon while you move forward, its easy to wonder where all that junk is heading off to.  A lot of posters here tend to assume that their BPDexes are somehow living differently or better without them.  This may not be their overt opinion, but you can glean from the context and spirit of their posts that in going NC they begin to reframe the powerful convictions and emotions that led them to making this right choice.

Not suggesting that for these people its a major risk to "recycling" themselves back into the relationship.  But one aspect of keeping contact for me has been that I get to see how truly sick, dysfunctional and in many ways sad my ex was.

It keeps it all green for me. Be assured that your ex, and many others, are likely spiraling into some of the worst manifestations of their BPD. from a distance, I now see how all the aspects of this disorder, things I would doubt inside the relationship, are very real.  As I've written in this thread, he is now splitting and cycling through his unhealthy coping patterns at a rate so quick it surprises even me.

I am trying not to get some vengeful form of "pleasure" from his current suffering.  But anytime I catch myself being down or wondering if things could have turned out better, all I have to do is look at the things hes said since the final break up to remind me what I would be getting myself into.  Its so much more intense and shocking than our conversations leading up to the separation. Im now getting to a point where I dont need that. After my recent social engagements, both with friends and dates, I find myself coming home and he is the last thing on my mind.  Instead of mentally tossing/turning into the wee hours and writing novels on this board, I sleep with ease and satisfaction.  As much as I love chatting here, I think thats a good sign.

so, in short, I expect i'll institute full NC soon, but in the meantime I'll allow myself to appreciate the value of how some limited contact keeps it fresh.