My mom has BPD and it has controlled my life for 15 years

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Where do I start... .

I recently found out my mom has BPD. I have always speculated something was wrong but she would never address issues she had which took diagnosis a long time. She saw a good, kind, therapist for 2 years, but quit when the therapist would side against her at times. I would also attend some sessions for mother-daughter sessions to work on our relationship, and also saw the therapist independently to work on issues I had with my mother.

My mom and I were always close. I feel she always viewed me more as a friend as I became more independent (which was a problem in itself, but besides the point perhaps). Things changed after my parents divorce when I was about 16. She started emotionally taking her frustrations out on me and at times not talk to me for days. This weighed heavy on me and made it hard for me to function and focus when this would happen. All of this continued though the next several years when I would want to do things with friends/boyfriends or do things independently without her. I was a good kid, good grades, never anything to make her not trust me, so I always felt the punishment/emotional stress I got for being with other similar people were very unfair. Sometimes she would become frustrated with something and bring up something in the past that I did/she though I did and scold me for it, claiming I didn't care about her when I pleaded for her to understand that I did. If she ever blamed me for something I didn't do, I just apologized because arguing to defend myself made things 10x worse.

Into my early-mid 20s our relationship was still mostly good, but she would call me 6-8x a day and tried to see me 1-2x a day when I moved out. This was stressful as it was hard to get things done. I asked if she could just condense a few of the calls which ultimately changed the course of the next several years. She took it as I didn't want to talk to her at all and would rarely call. This was a different stress as I emotionally broke when my mom was mad at me. She would shut me out and often call me names that I don't want to go into. This became increasingly more often and the stretches of time would be longer. She would then blame me for the "break" when she was the one who quit talking to me.

I only see her about once a week now for lunch and shopping, along with my brother (she didn't take much out on him and sees him more frequently now as a result), though I we still chat via text though the week quite a bit. She still throws tantrums around holidays, like restricting us from coming over - then scolding us for not coming over, many passive aggressive acts, controls forms of communication, ect.

This is only a glimpse into years of emotional stress and abuse. She has said her two children are the only thing that made her happy and has threatened suicide when we weren't talking (even though she was the one that created the distance). I'm in my early 30's and I'm tired of this letting me move on with my life. I cannot express the stress I have and the toll it takes on my relationships and daily life. I love my mom and I long for the good days we have, which is why I still power though the bad stuff. I have thought about cutting ties, but I fear a life of knowing she threatened suicide and being the reason she did it. I also fear a life of stress from the abuse and my own good relationships and happiness suffering.

I know though therapy I have been patient and it isn't my fault, after years of believing it was. I was almost more comfortable believing it was my fault, because now I feel sad that she won't get better and maybe won't be happy for herself.

I don't know if there is any advice to offer for this situation, nonetheless it was helpful to vent. Thank you for reading and the help you're sharing

[rainedbows]

Where do I start... .

I recently found out my mom has BPD. I have always speculated something was wrong but she would never address issues she had which took diagnosis a long time. She saw a good, kind, therapist for 2 years, but quit when the therapist would side against her at times. I would also attend some sessions for mother-daughter sessions to work on our relationship, and also saw the therapist independently to work on issues I had with my mother.

My mom and I were always close. I feel she always viewed me more as a friend as I became more independent (which was a problem in itself, but besides the point perhaps). Things changed after my parents divorce when I was about 16. She started emotionally taking her frustrations out on me and at times not talk to me for days. This weighed heavy on me and made it hard for me to function and focus when this would happen. All of this continued though the next several years when I would want to do things with friends/boyfriends or do things independently without her. I was a good kid, good grades, never anything to make her not trust me, so I always felt the punishment/emotional stress I got for being with other similar people were very unfair. Sometimes she would become frustrated with something and bring up something in the past that I did/she though I did and scold me for it, claiming I didn't care about her when I pleaded for her to understand that I did. If she ever blamed me for something I didn't do, I just apologized because arguing to defend myself made things 10x worse.

Into my early-mid 20s our relationship was still mostly good, but she would call me 6-8x a day and tried to see me 1-2x a day when I moved out. This was stressful as it was hard to get things done. I asked if she could just condense a few of the calls which ultimately changed the course of the next several years. She took it as I didn't want to talk to her at all and would rarely call. This was a different stress as I emotionally broke when my mom was mad at me. She would shut me out and often call me names that I don't want to go into. This became increasingly more often and the stretches of time would be longer. She would then blame me for the "break" when she was the one who quit talking to me.

I only see her about once a week now for lunch and shopping, along with my brother (she didn't take much out on him and sees him more frequently now as a result), though I we still chat via text though the week quite a bit. She still throws tantrums around holidays, like restricting us from coming over - then scolding us for not coming over, many passive aggressive acts, controls forms of communication, ect.

This is only a glimpse into years of emotional stress and abuse. She has said her two children are the only thing that made her happy and has threatened suicide when we weren't talking (even though she was the one that created the distance). I'm in my early 30's and I'm tired of this letting me move on with my life. I cannot express the stress I have and the toll it takes on my relationships and daily life. I love my mom and I long for the good days we have, which is why I still power though the bad stuff. I have thought about cutting ties, but I fear a life of knowing she threatened suicide and being the reason she did it. I also fear a life of stress from the abuse and my own good relationships and happiness suffering.

I know though therapy I have been patient and it isn't my fault, after years of believing it was. I was almost more comfortable believing it was my fault, because now I feel sad that she won't get better and maybe won't be happy for herself.

I don't know if there is any advice to offer for this situation, nonetheless it was helpful to vent. Thank you for reading and the help you're sharing

[abused by bpd]

Dear Rainedbows,
   I Know EXACTLY what you feel. I was married to a woman with BPD for 23 years. We had two beautiful daughters. My daughters spent their whole lives living the BPD nightmare. Until, I finally understood and learned everything I needed to know about this evil illness. Only then did I have the courage to finally free the three of us. Yes, everything you stated is true about being abused by a parent or spouse that has BPD. I have learned that dealing with this illness is a no win situation. It took me the first 5 years to thoroughly realize that something was very wrong. Sure no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. You can only blame yourself and participate in the flip for so long. Then you begin to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I spent the next 10 years doing research. Reading anything I could find, detailing what the illness is and how to live with it. During those 10 years I became very saddened, for my ex spouse and my children. My older daughter became very withdrawn and angry. My younger daughter developed anorexia, bollemia, and started cutting herself (age 10). But, that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I could have made. That only enabled the borderline. That was what the borderline was feeding off of. That is the ultimate goal of a borderline. To break, those that are closest, in any and every way possible. I spent the last 8 years of the marriage seeing psychologists and psychiatrists. I had been traumatized by the abuse. I just could not believe that an ex professional athlete could end up in this situation. Then one day I finally realized the game was over. Ultimately that is the only way out. The game is over when you have thoroughly exposed and confronted the borderline. When the borderline realizes and accepts that it can no longer lie, manipulate, flip, mask, control, distort, split, then the end and finality has arrived. It took a full 23 years for me to go through the learning curve. My last session with the psychologist, I told her "I have now graduated from this program".
     With great regret, I have to say, the only way to recover from a relationship with a borderline is to separate and avoid. My two daughters are still struggling with the path of recovery and moving on with their lives. They have no contact of any kind with their mother. They have learned not to participate and enable. As for me, I have moved on with my life. It took months for me to regain some of my former self. I finally feel that I am moving forward. No longer stuck in the mud. I did not have one peaceful day in the 23 year borderline game. I am at peace now and the ability to smile and be happy is something I am learning again, at age 57. It was a long road. Now I can even sleep well, and look forward to a better day tomorrow. Without having to think or worry about what twist lies around the next corner.
     Rainedbows, Have and keep hope. Don't ever give up on yourself. Never blame yourself for any of this. It was not your choice or your illness. The strength to leave this behind you, and never look back, will be your savior. Only then can you be free. No more rainedbows, but the beautiful rainbows you deserve.
God Bless

[Jadner]

Rainedbows,

I do not have much to offer in the way of advice, as I have just posted my story for the first time.  But I can tell you, while reading your story, I teared up, because so much of what you said mirrors my own experiences with my mom.  I am just so glad there is this forum to at least connect with and talk with people who share the same struggles.  We can gain strength from each other and work together to try and make sense of our own BPD affected people in our lives, but at a minimum just be here to vent when needed.

[Kwamina]

Hi rainedbows

Thanks for introducing yourself to our online community.

It becomes very clear from your post that you had a very difficult childhood with your mother. Her behavior unfortunately continued into your adult life. Having a parent with BPD can be a huge challenge indeed. BPD is quite a serious disorder. I too have a mother with BPD, though undiagnosed, and can very much relate to a lot of what you've shared. My mother too used to emotionally take her frustrations out on me and also behaved very problematic when I would attempt to spend time with other people without her.

Now that your mother has been diagnosed you do at least know what you are dealing with and can read up on the topic as you've also done. It is sad and unfortunate that your mother did not stick to therapy.

You mention how through therapy you've come to new insights about yourself, your mother and your past. Are you yourself still getting help as you try to heal yourself and transition from being a survivor to a thriver in life?

If you have not do so already, I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board. When you look at the guide, what would you say are the most significant issues you are currently dealing with?

When dealing with people, generally but particularly disordered people, it is very important to set and enforce/defend boundaries. Boundaries help us protect ourselves and preserve our well-being. No matter how you move forward with your relationship with your mother, having firm boundaries will be crucial. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people?

Dealing with threats of suicide isn't easy. We have some material here that might help you with this:
Dealing with suicidal ideation in others

Welcome to  bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[P.F.Change]

Hi, rainedbows, and welcome! 

Thanks for you post. I understand where you're coming from, because my mother has BPD, too. It's normal to feel ambivalent about how to move forward. On the one hand, it's our parent and there are still good things we share. On the other hand, it's exhausting to deal with all the stress from their behavior. Kwamina's advice about taking care of your boundaries is really good. Have you already been looking at them with your therapist?

I want to assure you that many members here maintain relationships with their parent who has BPD. Just as we're not all-good or all-bad, neither are our parents. It's possible to enjoy as much as we can in our relationships with them while still taking care of ourselves. There are a number of tools available here that can help you make the best of your situation. If you like, we'll be happy to share some with you. And whatever you ultimately decide, we're here to support you.

One thing I agree with in the post from abused by BPD is that you're right when you say it's not your fault. Even if it's easier for your mother to blame you, her happiness isn't something you control. I can see why that might make you sad, since you are learning at the same time that not being responsible for her unhappiness also means you don't have the power to make her happier, either. This illness makes me sad, too. It's really heartbreaking to see someone you love hurting, and it can feel discouraging to think they might not ever get better. The good news is, you can keep taking steps to helping yourself get better. The stages in the Survivor's Guide that Kwamina pointed out can help as you look at where in the healing process you are right now, and what's possible as you continue to learn and grow.

We'd love to hear more from you when you feel ready.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[DreamGirl]

I just wanted to add my welcome.

I remember writing "my dad is not a very nice person" for the very first time and the flood of emotion that came with it.  

Putting it "out there" can be liberating. Scary. Sad.

It's monumentally difficult dealing with what our parents put on us, and learning to compartmentalize helps. What part is her, what part is us, and where we can go from here.

I also agree with the wise souls in this thread who say there is hope in all of this. Each person is different and how we cope is unique and how the other responds can be unique. How we process all of this helps us grow as people and learn to thrive, despite the issues.

We can help you in all of that.

We're here for you every step of the way as you navigate this relationship with your mom and as you continue on your journey of healing.

   :)G