Trying to not break the no contact

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My breakup is still fresh. A little too fresh if you ask me. I am trying my hardest to do the no contact thing which has been soo incredibly tedious. My ex broke things off with me unexpectedly, or so it feels, due to what I believe were triggers from failed Christmas gifts. Not to mention over pressure from his teenage daughter insisting that he marrys me. All these things kind of came at him at the same time which I know only overwhelmed him more. Next thing I know he told me he never loved me and is completely done with me. Now in say "normal" relationships this would be so crazy, so random, so uncalled for, but as you all may have experienced common with our BPDex's. I'm trying my best to treat this break up differently than the 5 or so I have gone through before. I finally think it is time for me to move on from this deranged relationship I am in. Instead of responding angrily to his text messages like the girl who still wants to make things work I am trying this no contact thing to finally help myself move on. Now the problem is I am ready to break it. I really have nothing to say expect for I miss you. A part of me really does miss him and the "good times" we had. I know reaching out will only hurt me more in the end. I guess I'm really having second thoughts about what I'm doing which is crazy cause at this point he is the one who ended things so it's really not my place to think like that. Ahhh help! What do you all do when you start to get weak? Should I really listen to his claims that he done? Are there any tell tale signs when your BPDex really is done with he relationship?

[Openhearted321]

My breakup is still fresh. A little too fresh if you ask me. I am trying my hardest to do the no contact thing which has been soo incredibly tedious. My ex broke things off with me unexpectedly, or so it feels, due to what I believe were triggers from failed Christmas gifts. Not to mention over pressure from his teenage daughter insisting that he marrys me. All these things kind of came at him at the same time which I know only overwhelmed him more. Next thing I know he told me he never loved me and is completely done with me. Now in say "normal" relationships this would be so crazy, so random, so uncalled for, but as you all may have experienced common with our BPDex's. I'm trying my best to treat this break up differently than the 5 or so I have gone through before. I finally think it is time for me to move on from this deranged relationship I am in. Instead of responding angrily to his text messages like the girl who still wants to make things work I am trying this no contact thing to finally help myself move on. Now the problem is I am ready to break it. I really have nothing to say expect for I miss you. A part of me really does miss him and the "good times" we had. I know reaching out will only hurt me more in the end. I guess I'm really having second thoughts about what I'm doing which is crazy cause at this point he is the one who ended things so it's really not my place to think like that. Ahhh help! What do you all do when you start to get weak? Should I really listen to his claims that he done? Are there any tell tale signs when your BPDex really is done with he relationship?

[CooperD]

Hi OpenHearted,

The best piece of advice I can give you is to maintain no contact if you really are sure you don't want back into the relationship.  No contact - no more hurt is my mantra.

The breakdown of my marriage is very raw and recent but I was doing well with NC - I got to about 6 weeks (this was aided by my BPD severing all contact and threatening me).

My BPD eventually broke cover and reached out over christmas with a call from an unknown number which I answered.   She was worried she may have HIV and told me she had just gone "psycho" on my possible replacement.  That breaking of NC has put me almost right back to how I felt when she first dropped the divorce on me.   

[Larmoyant]

Hi Openhearted, good advice from CooperD. As a person who has just gone through an 11 month breakup I now realise that NC would have saved me a lot of hurt and pain. If you are really, truly done then keep to NC. If it helps think of it as not being set in stone. Take some time, a couple of months or so, to give yourself space and time to think things through. I’ve been 100% NC for just over three weeks now, not long, but enough to start coming out of the FOG, with no interruptions, so no going back into it!
 
Each day it’s getting easier.

Here’s some things that might help you when those painful feelings creep up on you:

1.   Re-read old posts. What brought you here?
2.   Re-read old emails/texts. In my case the pathology jumps off the page.
3.   Try making a list of all the horrible disrespectful things he did
4.   Examine the feelings that are causing you to want contact. Post about your feelings here
5.   Talk to a close, trusted friend/therapist who has your best interests at heart.
6.   Try to ‘dig-deep’. What are you really missing? Make a list of all the things you miss about him. All the things you don’t.
7.   Make a list of the things you value in a relationship, e.g. mutual and consistent love, kindness, stability, respect. What are your needs and wants and does he provide them? Is he really willing and importantly ‘able’ to provide those things for you?
8.   Are you trying to run away from the pain? Where is this pain coming from?. Have there been times in the past that you’ve felt like this?
9.   What if he’s not receptive to your contact? Will that hurt you further? The last contact I had with my ex he told me he cared for someone else now even though he didn’t leave me alone for 11 months.
10.    Journaling, writing out all your feelings and experiences with him might also be helpful for you.
11.    Write a list of your short-term and long-term goals. Is he helping or hindering these?

I know it’s painful. Reaching out to him may well be a temporary pain relief if he’s receptive to your contact, but for how long? The pattern of recycling will continue until something changes. What would you like to see change? Can you see that happening? Are you really willing to go through all the pain and chaos again? In my experience each time brings further pain and more damage to your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

Ultimately do what's best for you. Not just the short-term, but long term. Give yourself the gift of some time to think about it.

[unsureuncertain]

Try to keep yourself busy when you feel the urge to make contact. Go for a walk, phone a friend, workout, read a book and then after the activity, hopefully the urge to make contact passes.

[Weary1402]

I encourage you to stay NC. You don't deserve to be treated that way. He can't just  tell You he  never loved you and expect it not to be damaging. If he can detach like that or even say those terrible things, it will happen again. How much of yourself are you willing to lose?

[Pretty Woman]

NC is to protect you, to let you heal your heart without any interference.

3-5 breakups is NOT normal and to dump someone over holiday presents and pressure to get married... .most people would have a rational discussion, it is clear your ex is emotionally immature.

NC is not easy and you will read countless stories of people breaking it on here. I broke it as well. It's an art in many ways. Sometime you have to get creative.

I know when you love someone it's hard to cut them off. In my case that decision was made by my ex who finally walked away completely when she found a replacement. It's going on two years. We live five miles from each other and luckily I haven't ran into her anywhere.

The residuals of this relationship have continued to affect me at work where I work with her sister. Several people have tried to get me fired and stories have been made up about me to make me look bad. The very unfortunate part in this is I attracted many similar types as friends and as those friendships ended they have decided to badmouth me along with Sissy.

I do very well at my job. I have a few enemies.

So I would never take my ex back on my lifestyle alone. I can't afford to lose my job nor would I want to over this person.

How do I maintain NC? I don't look at social media (hers) and got rid of mutual friends. I don't drive past her house, I don't ask about her and I've logged a lot of hours trying to be a better person.  I've taken classes, traveled and am in the process of writing a book.

All these things helped get me back, get promoted at work and o train a significant pay increase.

It's not easy. There are days I do think of her, but it's less and less. You need to get the focus off himnand the best yet hardest way is to cut all contact. If you read the posts on here, some are good with limited contact but you will find it's hard not to be manipulated right back in. I was over 13x (very unhealthy union) and it wasn't until she ghosted me was I able to recover. I'm actually grateful she did that.

And once you get away from it you will see things MUCH clearer. It totally gets better. I promise you that. You will get stronger and not want this type of person in your life again. And you have BPD radar when it comes to toxic friendships too.

It will go from being a curse to a blessing.