I'm getting better but some things are still confusing.

[bus boy]

Emotionally I feel much better than I did in years but I still have that dark empty spot in me. It's not close to what it was but its there. I read lots of posts, I read how people describe there ex's emotions. My Xw was emotional, she would cry, scream at me tell me I was crazy, driving her crazy, tell me how horrible I was, how horrible I treat her and on and on. She never talked to me, not like, oh I had a bad day, good day, I feel sad no kind of regular r/s talk, only angry feelings directed at me. Xw's niece overdosed, I said would you like to talk about it, Xw got very belittling and said you are the last person I would talk to. She saw a man get killed one time, right in front of her eyes, again I asked if she would like to talk and she said no, it was nothing. I was never able to or Xw wouldn't let me in, wouldn't share. Only anger directed at me, if I did try she would belittle but on the other hand she always said I was never there for her. It's funny, as I recover and write posts on here, I can see the craziness of the past in front of my eyes. It really helps to write.

[Curiously1]

Journalling and sharing our experiences is so therapeutic, I agree 

Those are a lot of examples of your xW emotional instability.
What are you still confused over specifically you think?

[bus boy]

I'm confused at the horrible way Xw viewed me. She never asked about me, how was your day or anything like that, no affection. I had a very bad mental break down, as a result of her emotional abuse and instead of comforting she abused me worse, everything was a threat to leave never to work on everyday r/s issues. I would be there for her, she would get someone else but tell me I was never there for her.

[Curiously1]

Are you still in contact with her or recalling how she has treated you in the past?
Her view of you doesn't = the real you. What matters is how you feel about yourself.
How do you view yourself? How does your good friends and family members view you?
Do you believe you were there for her, reasonably speaking? If yes, how? If not, why?
Remember, that is the work of her disordered mind and a very hurtful one that doesn't consider others feelings and needs above her own. Feelings=Facts.
If she was capable of doing all those nice things for you such as ask about how you are, your day, being comforting and caring about you more as a person that would be a miracle!
There are plenty of empathetic, loving and caring women out there and or who you may already know and she doesn't appear to be one of them. Being on the dettachment board, I suggest you stay away from being with, understanding and thinking about your traumatising and emotionally abusive xW anymore. You don't need that sorrow and heaviness in your life. If you can, place her in the 'nothing' box of your mind and surround yourself again with people who truly make you happy.

[bus boy]

Hi curiously1, I have very little contact with xw, we share a child but civil communication from her is rare unless she's looking for something.

- sometimes I have a negative opinion of my self but I've had that through out my life. I've struggled with self confidence. Friends and family view me as a good person. My good friend tells me I'm well liked and respected in our community.

- I was and wasn't there for her. I was a good man, worked hard but was never validated in any way, I did lots of romantic things, showed lots of affection. I was viewed as weak a coward. I am very soft hearted and peaceful person, she wanted me to put my family in there place, put this person or that person in there place. She woke me up one night, said she heard a noise, I sat up, let the fog clear for a second and off the bat she said are scared and insulted me about being a waste of time to protect her. I was wore out mentally. When she got pregnant, I was by this time a mental disaster and drinking every day. When she needed me the most, I was drunk. I struggled hard to be there, to cope but she was so mean, the harder it tried the worse she got. It was no pic nic for her but she put zero effort, ever into making it work. She would make a situation happen and than say see, you don't know how to be there for me. It was a constant circle of crazy. Horrable emotionally abusive put downs. For a short spell she was very nice to live with bc I put my family out of my life but when I started talking to them again the hell started again. It's a very complicated story. Even my very experienced T said it was very bizarre and unusual behaviour. My T was an expert on addiction and stressed this has nothing to do with drinking but I've had a hard job dealing with this. My son is 10, I haven't drank for over 9 years. I wasn't a hopeless drunk in our r/s but I  became a bad drunk. When xw got pregnant. I struggle with this. I ran the question through my head thousands of times, did drinking destroy my marriage? I prooved countless times when we were together and after she left that I was a good father and husband but was viewed as nothing.

[Curiously1]

There is always room to improve how you feel about yourself. You've been struggling with this all your life but I can't imagine what a toll it has had on your self-esteem and your health to have been with someone like your Xw. Your friends and family definitely have a more accurate perception of how normal/healthy people view you!

I have no experience sharing a child with a pwBPD but I wish you the strength and courage to deal with her when you have to see her. Maybe someone with children with a BPD will have a greater understanding for handling this.

People have their ways of coping, whether you viewed your drinking at that stressful time as a mistake or not it did serve you under the worn out condition you were in. If you don't have a serious drinking problem anymore then trust that and your T. You know what pwBPD are like where they blow things out of proportion when they do not get what they want from you. You realised all the crazymaking and your T confirmed and validated how bizarre her behaviour truly was. Did you feel that she picked times to put you down when she knew you were already drunk? It all sounds like a mess no matter what happened to be honest. If at times you became a 'bad drunk' I think that is something you still need to work on so you feel better and won't regret next time if you happen to drink when under stress. You needed to see her making positive efforts to change and be more loving and affectionate to you and none of that was unreasonable to want from a wife. Nobody is perfect and you worked hard to keep your marriage together despite all of the stress and insults. In the end she did not make any effort so I do not believe that you were the one that destroyed the marriage either. A marriage takes two committed and loving adults who aren't perfect but who are willing to do their best with what they've got. Just because she has BPD does not mean she gets a get out of jail free card and has no contribution to the dysfunctional dynamic.

I wouldn't beat yourself up anymore. She doesn't even feel bad or has any shame for making 0 effort. Let her think you weren't a good husband if she wants to believe that but you know you did the best you could for her. Own the mistakes you think you have made during the r/s, try to learn from them and then forgive yourself for making them. Maybe writing in a journal might help. Try and also be proud of yourself too for the good that you have done being the bigger person  who had offered a lot of love. Writing about everything that you can think of that you are greatful for in your life so far might also be therapeutic for you too. Your son needs you the most now. You can continue to be a good and respectable father to him especially that you are getting better. If she thinks you are nothing, view her as nothing too if you like. Like I said, put her in the nothing box and focus on things that you think will make your life a little better. You and your sons life becoming healthier and happier is more important. Let her drown in her own negativity and pay no attention.

[bus boy]

Thank you. I got a lot out of your replys, a lot of clarity and answered questions. 3 years ago I had major surgery for a very serious brain tumor. My T of several years is convinced the horrendous stress, emotional abuse and depression I suffered was what caused my tumor. I am great full to be alive but sometimes fall into a slump. Your replys to my post triggered me back to the bigger picture and to keep moving forward.

[Curiously1]

I am glad you are feeling better! Stress is a killer but you've survived and it's wonderful to be alive. If you ever fall into a slump always remember that you are not alone and there are people here for you. Wishing you calmness, peace and happiness

[Pretty Woman]

Dear, she sounds awful. Everything you have posted leads to the fact you are a very caring person and you tried to make it work with someone who is unable to have a healthy relationship.

You didn't fail at anything. You tried and were met with resistance.

I think we all go back and analyze our actions, esp when someone we love tells us we are the reason we are no longer a couple. Those words hurt like He-- and when they take zero responsibility and won't let you get a word in edgewise you feel invalidated and punished.

When I look at my childhood this is how I grew up. My mother IS my ex (metaphorically speaking). I wanted approval from a person with 0 boundaries, no moral compass and a background that read like a soap opera. I see why I dated my ex. I was looking for the love and approval I never received growing up.

I am three years removed from contact with my UBPD mother. During the process her twin sister, my aunt also cut contact with me. I have a very small family, my dad and his brother married two sisters. By going NC I isolated myself but you know what?

I am growing. I am learning so much about myself and cutting ME some slack, letting the little kid in me off the hook for things that happened over 35yrs ago. Sometimes you have to let go of things to gain new perspective.

I am not condoning writing off a parent. If my mother was in dire straits tomorrow and needed a roof over her head, I would be there. My mother was not a terrible person. She didn't have it easy and raised us on a very fixed income when my parents divorced. I am appreciative of the opportunities I received growing up, opportunities my mom was still able to give us.

But I also know being around her results in her shaming me and not accepting any apologies. Shaming me for doing things at 6-7yo... .things 6-7yo do, only now I am in my 40's.

I really believe people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you allow people to treat you crappy and you accept that... .

that's not the person treating you crappy's fault. That's yours for tolerating it.

There is no excuse to treat you like shyt because she saw a man get killed. That's a god awful, horrible thing to see however if that was the case everyone who has witnessed bad things would be running around like a-holes hurting others.

And that doesn't happen. There are some people who witness tragedy beyond our wildest comprehension and turn out to be amazing people who help and support others.

You need to lift the burden from your shoulders and place it on a shelf. You don't need to be carrying this weight.

We are here to help lift it.  

[bus boy]

Thank you pretty woman, it took me a long time to see how emotionally disfunctional this r/s really was. The last year 1/2 since Xw met her BF gave me the time away from her I needed to emotionally heal. Mind you when I first found out about my replacement I was devastated. Especially where I poured so much into this r/s and than kicked to the curb like garbage. Always faced with a raging belittling speech when I brought up councelling. The other hurtful thing Xw did was give her BF unlimited access to my son and I would be denied and a stranger was going around the country side with my son. Sometimes my posts seem painful but I've used my time away from Xw wisely, to heal. I see how she has manuplated and deceived her BF and see nothing changed with her. He was witness to her lies, Xw lied under oath in family court, BF is standing by her, he sees how ruthless she is to s10 and I when it comes to father and son. So Xw has performed her mental magic on her BF. No normal person would get so deeply involved in someone else's child in such a disfunctional way. Xw found her protector in her BF but he's being manuplated and lied into this situation. Xw doesn't care about the impact on s10, she has her protector. He is not long divorced, lives in her house, easy to manuplate, the perfect recipe for her and her emotional disfunctional.