No contact for 100+ days, thoughts and observations

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it's been over 100 days, although she did come into my work on boxing day but I avoided her and haven't heard anything from her so I think I'm good.

OK so boy, it has been a journey. I just want to say it does get better. I am feeling pretty good now, I'm still not 100% buy I'm getting there.

It's been almost 3 years since we first met, and it's felt like a long 3 years to be honest. But now at over 100 days of no contact information can honestly say I'm free of the desire to go back, and she doesn't really have any importance in my life anymore which took a long time to get to that point.

The key is twofold in my opinion. Number 1 is no contact. And trust me I was so resistant to no contact. I always left a door open, or I'd hear something bad and I'd reach out to see if she was OK.  But really any contact is just bad period. 

You can't think straight whatsoever. You will be subtly gaslit, they may not even do it on purpose but the casual disregard of your feelings will get to you. The last time I talked to mine she was telling me how she just wants to meet someone to take care of her and settle down with... .I mean... .it's unbelievable that she would say that to me, as she knew I still had feelings for her and had given everything trying to take care if her,  but I don't think it was even personal, she just has no empathy and was no longer attracted to me so why spare my feelings.

Part two is to really take the focus on them and look in the mirror. I'm sorry to say this but anyone who got involved and hurt bad by one of these people, you have work to do. In my case it was a lot of work. I didn't want to admit it but I was messed up before I met her. I had my own issues, she just made what was already there worse.

I still have work to do and I'm still learning. And I've been trying to improve myself for almost 2 years now, but it's a long process. There are still areas I'm failing in but the difference is I'm self aware and every time I fail I try, try and try again. I can't settle for failure or just give up like I used to. Get back on the horse every single time.

Also don't try and rush into a new relationship or even casual stuff. I did and it's just a distraction. You need to be good with being alone for a while. I don't think that self work is really doable if you are involved with someone. Because it masks what you are missing in your life and gives you false happiness that won't last long term. You need to focus on you until you are happy with your life. That's a big one.

Anyway hope some of that helps. If anyone has questions ask away.

[Infern0]

So it's been over 100 days, although she did come into my work on boxing day but I avoided her and haven't heard anything from her so I think I'm good.

OK so boy, it has been a journey. I just want to say it does get better. I am feeling pretty good now, I'm still not 100% buy I'm getting there.

It's been almost 3 years since we first met, and it's felt like a long 3 years to be honest. But now at over 100 days of no contact information can honestly say I'm free of the desire to go back, and she doesn't really have any importance in my life anymore which took a long time to get to that point.

The key is twofold in my opinion. Number 1 is no contact. And trust me I was so resistant to no contact. I always left a door open, or I'd hear something bad and I'd reach out to see if she was OK.  But really any contact is just bad period. 

You can't think straight whatsoever. You will be subtly gaslit, they may not even do it on purpose but the casual disregard of your feelings will get to you. The last time I talked to mine she was telling me how she just wants to meet someone to take care of her and settle down with... .I mean... .it's unbelievable that she would say that to me, as she knew I still had feelings for her and had given everything trying to take care if her,  but I don't think it was even personal, she just has no empathy and was no longer attracted to me so why spare my feelings.

Part two is to really take the focus on them and look in the mirror. I'm sorry to say this but anyone who got involved and hurt bad by one of these people, you have work to do. In my case it was a lot of work. I didn't want to admit it but I was messed up before I met her. I had my own issues, she just made what was already there worse.

I still have work to do and I'm still learning. And I've been trying to improve myself for almost 2 years now, but it's a long process. There are still areas I'm failing in but the difference is I'm self aware and every time I fail I try, try and try again. I can't settle for failure or just give up like I used to. Get back on the horse every single time.

Also don't try and rush into a new relationship or even casual stuff. I did and it's just a distraction. You need to be good with being alone for a while. I don't think that self work is really doable if you are involved with someone. Because it masks what you are missing in your life and gives you false happiness that won't last long term. You need to focus on you until you are happy with your life. That's a big one.

Anyway hope some of that helps. If anyone has questions ask away.

[Curiously1]

Thanks for sharing Infern0.
Great to hear you no longer have the desire to go back.

Sometimes I still wonder where she will be in the future and if she will able to find the happiness she seeks etc.

I liked what you mentioned about discovering that you already had issues before meeting your BPDex and that she just brought it out more. I feel similarly and also agree that we need to spend more time alone so we get to know and learn to take care of ourselves better.

My issue was my lack of boundaries and rescuing people to feel good/important in their life. That I had a purpose, a place in their life if I was needed in some way rather than just being loved simply for me. Underneath it all I felt that me feeling loveable and good enough was dependent on someone giving me lots of attention and validation as well as being useful to them in some way etc. I would unconsciously choose people who lacked empathy and were incapable of consistently loving and caring about me back. Having this reoccurring theme of heartache, disappointment, betrayal in my life has at times made me feel trapped and cynical. But I know that if I really work hard on my self-esteem and feel comfortable putting myself first regardless of the the opinions and reactions and  other influences of others... I will do just fine.

[pjstock42]

Also don't try and rush into a new relationship or even casual stuff. I did and it's just a distraction. You need to be good with being alone for a while. I don't think that self work is really doable if you are involved with someone. Because it masks what you are missing in your life and gives you false happiness that won't last long term. You need to focus on you until you are happy with your life. That's a big one.

I'm 6+ months no contact and this point you made here, I think you are right on. Unfortunately, I am having to learn this the hard way and have already had another relationship start & end and I'm kicking myself for doing this because it's distracting me from really getting better from the experience with my BPD ex.

I guess that the most confusing thing is how none of this is linear at all. Not that anything in life is really straightforward but in terms of knowing when you're truly ready to be with someone else again, that seems like such a blurry target for me and that causes a lot of internal turmoil since I do really value relationships in my life.

[Germanic]

I'm exactly one month out of the relationship with my BPDex with NC and I also agree I am discovering "issues" about myself.

As desperate as I think I am about finding someone new,  I really believe right now is just not the time.  I think I need some solid time to heal and really 're-find' myself and get on solid footing before I can bring new people and experiences into my life.  I believe I just might be appearing as way too needy right now and that's problematic in moving forward with anyone else.

I appreciate the opportunity for communication, input and guidance I find here by sharing experiences.  Sharing with others who have been through similar circumstances helps to understand the realities of BPD relationships.   

[Movin-on]

Thanks you infern0.  On this site I'll find posts which speak directly to me in a way that perfectly articulates what I'm feeling and would like to say, but the post-er says it better than I could have.  So thanks!

I broke off w/ uBPDex 14 months ago.  Came to realization she is uBPD 2 months ago after seeing her again September.  It somehow all came together reading books and esp. spending time on this site - connecting threads of subtle signs gone unnoticed by me at the time fall together and now feels like my own personal CSI season as I begin unpeeling the onion. 

My uBPDexgf was divorced before me and has 3 kids.  The middle daughter (whom I spent lots of time with throughout her 4 years in HS) is now in college.  She's happy to be on her own no doubt - her mom (my ex) and dad have toxic co-parenting relationship.  She writes and texts to me on occasion.  We had a great relationship, she's a sweatheart, struggling with identity issues and getting thru her sophmore year of college.  My heart aches for her, I've been very responsive and sent letters and ice cream to her at school.  I don't want to detach from that relationship, but I honestly think it would be better if it stopped, bc then I begin thinking about her mom (my ex) and even start feeling guilty that maybe somehow I'm wanting to hold on to her daughter to keep tabs my ex (her mom), even though she & I don't ever discuss her mom at all in letters/cards/texts. 

Any thoughts from the members here would be so much appreciated!

[Grey Kitty]

I think it is a safe bet that at this point you won't be able to choose and start a healthy long term relationship. Or at least you've stacked the odds very badly against yourself if you try... .

I'm 6+ months no contact and this point you made here, I think you are right on. Unfortunately, I am having to learn this the hard way and have already had another relationship start & end and I'm kicking myself for doing this because it's distracting me from really getting better from the experience with my BPD ex.

But perhaps it isn't just a distraction.

Some of the work and healing you need to do will only show up when the light and heat of a new relationship shines onto it. Or maybe the light and heat when the new relationship crashes and burns.

Just don't get lost in a string of 'em one after the other 

[Movin-on]

"Some of the work and healing you need to do will only show up when the light and heat of a new relationship shines onto it."

Well said.  I started a new relationship a year ago, only a few months after the end of the relationship w/ uBPDexgf of 5 years.  The new relationship has really helped shine the light, never could have seen the light otherwise.  Strange having a "normal" relationship after one with BPD.  Less intense, get used to it, embrace it, you are worthy and in need of genuine reciprocation.  Maybe it won't last the distance, it doesn't matter.   I'm starting to see what defines a truly loving and respectful relationship.  Maybe that's the "gift" of the relationship with uBPDexgf - she's shown me what I need want & deserve.   

[Infern0]

The last girl I got involved with had traits. And I was very aloof and stuff. It just wasn't a good situation. It ended and I didn't care much.

At some point I'll try another relationship but right now I'm in a transitional period finishing up at work and going back to school so it's not the right time.

I'm back at school in a couple of months and will probably meet a lot of people so maybe then.