Coping with this pain and emptyness

[nooni]

It's been a few weeks with no contact. We were never romantic lovers, but we had a very intense close and dependent relationship that lasted a few years. I was a primary caregiver, supporter, rescuer, and he was the helpless, complex, haunted soul, even though he was older than me by quite a lot.
Our relationship was emotionally intense, with periods of fights, tons of fear, jealousy, and some good times and very deep feeling of connection, mutual affection, and closeness.

It's hard for me to find support for a non romantic non sexual partner of BPD, even though I feel that things are very very similar in our relationship.

I've struggled for years with the pain it brought me, and with the fear of the void that it will leave behind if I ever end it.
and now I ended it. it was a very slow and gradual process. I'm feeling  good about it, confident that this was the right thing to do.
But I'm in pain. and as trivial as it is, I'm having a hard time coping.
Yes, I know it will get better over time. but my thoughts about him are just getting stronger and stronger each day. I'll be ok in the future. I know I will.  I just need help with here and now. any advise?

[ynwa]

Someone once told me, it's hard to pick someone else up when you are both on the ground.  We all know that feeling. 

Right now?  You are feeling stronger so you are asking is it ok to get back on the ground?  Be your own best friend and be there for yourself the way you were for your friend.  You aren't wrong for putting yourself first. No way. 

You said "your feelings for him are getting stronger and stronger every day".  What did you mean by that?

[Curiously1]

Was he by any chance your only closest friend?
I had an intense r/s in the past with someone I believe has a lot of narcissistic traits. People used to think we were dating because we were that close to each other. He was so hard to let go of. It almost feels like you are betraying someone when you finally let them go. I felt like my identity was tied to him in a way. That I was literally nothing without him. I did not know who I was anymore without him and became very depressed with a longing for a really great connection to someone again.
Losing an intense close friendship can feel like your whole world is falling apart and like you are losing a huge chunk of your soul when you separate from the person you became emneshed with. There was a point I thought I loved him romantically too for how empty I felt without him but nope, that wasn't the reason why it hurt so much. Pain of how much he mattered didn't = love.
It hurt so much because he could not stop being so emotionally abusive and no matter how many times I forgave him and gave him another chance and cared for him he never changed and couldn't give back much in return. People who you cannot resolve conflict and issues with truly make you feel helpless and you end up realising you aren't the problem and need to take a step back from them.
Choosing to leave was the best choice I made for myself and I am glad you are not in doubt about your choice. To start to put yourself first is the right thing to do and the only thing you can do to make things better.
There will be days that you miss him so much because he was a very close part of your life.
My advice is to stay strong, remember what you deserve and be the best friend you can be to yourself. Brainstorm what you would like your friendships to be and look like. Surround yourself with people that make you happy, even if you don't nearly enjoy their company as much as your close BPD friend right now. Eventually in time you will recreate new happier memories and with those who are able to give you as much love and care as you need and the pain of your loss will surely fade. Allow yourself plenty of time to feel uncomfortable feelings and to completely grieve the loss of your friendship. All of that is normal so be gentle on yourself. Make sure you keep yourself in good company and when you are feeling lonely to reach out to someone you can trust. You will not be alone. There will be better friends to come