Why did this send my BPD ex completely off the deep end?

[FallenOne]

I broke up with mine while she was in a psych hospital after 3 1/2 years together. We lived together for a year just before this. We spent most of our time together... We spent the past 6 months together too, from July up until December 19th of 2016...

I felt guilty for breaking up with her while she was in the hospital, but I knew that if I had broken up with her while she wasn't in a safe environment, it would have been a chaotic and dramatic breakup... .and I put it off for so long because I didn't want to deal with that. It wouldn't have been as easy as just sitting down, expressing my feelings, and having her understand why I wanted to end it... Well, I wanted to end it because I had had enough of her crazy and irrational behavior, her angry outbursts and her professional victimhood... After 3 years of that, I was ready to end it...

ANYWAY... .to the point. My main question for this topic... Why did her seemingly manageable BPD symptoms go completely haywire after I ended it with her in the hospital?

I feel like I set something off in her when I did this... The reason is because after she was released from the hospital, she started doing things that were not her style at all...


She started dating a girl for example... She got her nipples pierced and started engaging in one night stands and doing kinky sex acts that she never would have mentioned during the first 3 years together. She started dyeing her hair multi-colored on a regular basis... She got tattoos... She apparently also began beating up this girl that she was seeing (who by the way, she broke up with multiple times to come back to me)... She also became way more apathetic about everything in her life and just didn't seem to really give a damn about anything. She also seems to be on some kind of rampage when it comes to leaving and getting back together with people... She has been seeing multiple people at once as well...

While we were together, she was not like this... It wasn't until our breakup while she was in the hospital that she began acting this way.

Can anyone explain why this is?

[Sunfl0wer]

I suspect being attached to you gave her a stable sense of self.
Without that, she is grasping at figuring out her identity.
Maybe if she finds a new focus for her attachment desires, she can enmesh, recreate her sense of self according to that new enmeshment.
Idk, just making stuff up, my speculations for the moment.

[Pretty Woman]

Matt, they are chameleons. They mirror their attachments. So, I am going to suspect this chick she is currently with is likely a little kinky and into S & M. This is not uncommon and you did NOT cause her to behave like this. It's like when a teenager is trying to "find themselves" and tries on a persona, goth, emo, preppy, artsy.

The difference is, a BPD is an adult doing this with every attachment.

You will notice this as she spends more time with this person. They really mirror and mirror well.


Clearly she has a lot of issues if this is her AFTER the psych ward. It's very "Girl Interrupted". You need to realize YOU cannot save her. This is who she is, always changing, identity-less.

My ex told me stories of her past that were VERY similar to what you posted about yours. She was also into drugs (years before me) and lost her entire savings gambling. These people are very impulsive and they will take you down with them if you let them. I lost a lot of money with my ex, but I can make it back. I almost gifted her 20K at one point to pay off her debt.

I am very glad I came to my senses.  '

You need to let go of the "good times" because that is what is holding you back. The good times were her mirroring YOU. YOU are the good times and you don't need her to validate you.

It takes time and you will eventually see it. You need to get out of the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt). Keep posting and reading here.

Again, stop blaming yourself. This would have happened to anyone dating her.

 

[FallenOne]

  I know it would have... Letting go of the "good times" might be the most difficult part. They were beautiful... It was beautiful at one time. I don't blame myself, I just keep asking all of these questions and I get curious about what others think or if someone can truly give me an explanation since she never could.

[Pretty Woman]

Unfortunately we cannot get into her head and I am not sure if I'd want that responsibility!

It's hard but you have to find closure yourself. She will never give it to you, which is why we stay hooked as long as we do. You need to gain strength within yourself and that takes time, but it will happen.

[Kelli Cornett]

How would you act if someone broke-up with you in the hospital?

[FallenOne]

How would you act if someone broke-up with you in the hospital?

I wouldn't be happy about it, that's for certain...

Does this justify her behavior though?

[michel71]

I think you did the best thing to both protect her and yourself. You broke up with her in a safe environment. What she did thereafter is on her. Your intentions were good.

When I was in college my then girlfriend tried to commit suicide. We had been on and off and things were getting really too intense. So I broke it off. That is when she attempted suicide. Pretty unskillfully and more like a cry for help. But I felt awful. I also knew though that she was terribly sick. I didn't cause it. I wasn't responsible for her behaviors.

Eventually I made peace with that. Your significant other's decisions are her own. BPD or not.

[Skip]

I wouldn't be happy about it, that's for certain...

Does this justify her behavior though?

I think you did the best thing to both protect her and yourself. You broke up with her in a safe environment. What she did thereafter is on her. Your intentions were good.

She was in emotional crisis to begin with, life was beyond her coping skills and you dropped a major stressor on her and she was helpless to respond... .

Was it good or bad, its not for us to judge... .its something you can sort out better than any off us... .but the experience was like plugging your computer into a 240v socket... .and this is how she is coping. Breaking up with someone in the hospital is a big blow. They stabilized her and released her. They didn't cure the emotional damage she suffered through it all. You were a factor, but not the sole factor, she was already over the edge.

[FallenOne]

She was in emotional crisis to begin with, life was beyond her coping skills and you dropped a major stressor on her and she was helpless to respond... .

Was it good or bad, its not for us to judge... .its something you can sort out better than any off us... .but the experience was like plugging your computer into a 240v socket... .and this is how she is coping. Breaking up with someone in the hospital is a big blow. They stabilized her and released her. They didn't cure the emotional damage she suffered through it all. You were a factor, but not the sole factor, she was already over the edge.

I can see where you're coming from, and I still feel guilt over what I did, but I was freaked out and had no idea how to handle what was happening... I was pushed to my limit and didn't know what else to do. It was a hard choice and it is still haunting me, so trust me, I know... I don't think many people have the skills to cope with and deal with this sort of relationship.

[FallenOne]

But what would she have done if I broke up with her outside of the hospital? She would have had a crisis no matter what and the breakup would have been a huge chaotic mess either way.

[Skip]

But what would she have done if I broke up with her outside of the hospital? She would have had a crisis no matter what and the breakup would have been a huge chaotic mess either way.

I was trying to answer why she has reacted so strongly... .

Feeling guilt for telling her in the hospital is understandable. Telling her after the fact, may have sent her back in. Sometimes there is no good answer.

[GlennT]

Matt is doing NC. It doesn't matter when... .It had to be. She was being stabilized in a controlled environment. It doesn't matter when... .It had to be. To justify the pain she was in, and has caused Matt and others. It doesn't matter when... .it had to be. The truth of  BPD is a very very deep end... What is the deep end? When does the deep end? Where does the deep end? How does the deep end? Why is there a deep end? We are only able to painfully watch and tell others, as BPD feels compelled to jump off of the mountain into a seemingly endless abyss, with or without others, only to return, after they finally wake up from one nightmare, to see another mountain rise up before them ... .

[Skip]

FallenOne

I just went back and read your story. Sorry I didn't do this earlier.

Matt is doing NC. It doesn't matter when... .It had to be.

Matt broke up with his live-in gf when she was hospitalized and moved her property to her fathers home. She got out of the hospital, he was not receptive to getting back, and she got involved with another person. Matt and gf then got back together and were in and out of a relationship for a few months. She broke up recently and got a restraining order.

Matt, going back to your original question "Why did this send my BPD ex completely off the deep end? [after I broke up with her in the hospital]?" and why were your recycles following the hospitalization so rocky.

People with BPD are hypersensitive and have inherent trust issues. A lot of the relationship here that were ended by the person with BPD are ended, in the mind of the person with BPD, because of trust violations. This happens even when the trust violation don't appear significant to the partner. I suspect that when she came out of the hospital, she wanted to reverse the rejection of the breakup. That is a typical response (many of the members here want that when a relationship ends, too, and then change their mind when they accomplish it). At the same time, the trust issues and resentment were always looming.

Sounds like 2016 was a really bad year for her and the relationship. Breaking up when she was in the hospital was big betrayal. Just like her getting a retraining order against you is a big betrayal to you. These are both big deals - no matter how justified.

All that complexity aside. With the hospitalization, the breakups, the other romantic partner, the restraining order - 2016 was so destructive, how does anyone recover it. Sometimes we just have to let go.

[FallenOne]

Thank you for reading my story and trying to understand what is happening. I greatly appreciate the advice of everyone here. I still can't say for sure whether or not my decision to end it with her while she was in the hospital was the right choice, but it is what I chose to do and it is done... Do I feel a looming sense of guilt and depression over it? Absolutely... I betrayed someone that I cared about greatly for the sake of myself... I have my regrets about it, but overall, at the time it seemed like the best choice for me and my own well being... With everything I had witnessed and what she had already put me through over the course of 3 years, I did not want to get another apartment with this girl and just let things get worse.

I think it's safe to say that my breakup with her in March was really the final nail in the coffin, at least for her. It betrayed her trust in me and she will never let it go completely, regardless of what she says...

I don't know if her coming back to me over the summer was just to punish me and get some sort of payback (with the restraining order she filed in December) or if she really wanted things to work but couldn't look past what I did... .I may never know.

I just desperately wanted it to work and didn't want to give up. I loved her more than anything, but my feelings are beginning to disappear now and I have no choice but to move on.

[FallenOne]

Who knows, maybe I deserved to be abandoned and have a restraining order filed against me... I did betray her by leaving her in the hospital. I don't want to say that what I did was right... I know it could have been done differently. Part of me does not blame her for hating me. We betrayed each other...

[Skip]

maybe I deserved to be abandoned and have a restraining order filed against me.

What did you do, specifically in November and December, to cause a reasonable third person to file a retraining order. What did you do?

[FallenOne]

What did you do, specifically in November and December, to cause a reasonable third person to file a retraining order. What did you do?

From my point of view, nothing. Things were going well for a few months and she had the girl she was seeing blocked... Said she wasn't in any contact with her.  I was being super supportive of her and what she was going through... I was being very helpful. She was in inpatient mental health from December 10th - December 15th and was released to my care. I visited her every day. A few days later, on the 17th, I made a complaint about never having sex... This caused her to start crying, and it started an argument. I apologized, but she escalated the argument throughout the day and I tried to calm things down and reason with her. Eventually she let it go, came back to my place, and we spent the night together... We didn't talk about it anymore... The following day, she went home, I sent a few text messages like I always do, apologized again for the argument and what I said... She accepted my apology at first, but just got more and more angry as the day went on... By that evening she completely stopped responding to my messages/calls only saying that she "needed to think about whether or not this is worth it anymore"... The following day (Monday, December 19th) she tried to go to my apartment while I was at work to get her things. I had a good idea that she might try this as she never would break up with me in person (always through text or on the phone)... So I left work early, and crossed paths with her there... She said she was just there to get her stuff. I asked if we could talk for a few moments. When we got inside, she just started packing her things (tore down the xmas tree and packed it away too... ) and yelling at me... I tried reasoning and pleading with her not to do this, but she wouldn't listen. She called me abusive. Said I ruined her life. Then she said good riddance and left...


I sent a few text messages to her and one of her friends, calling her out on some of the things she was doing and her behavior. A few hours later, she sent the same girl she has blocked (the one she was dating) to my apartment, who knocked on my door and started intimidating me and yelling at me at my front door... I said I was going to call the police, so she left. I called the police anyway and gave them their names/numbers...

The following day, I returned some items that she left at my apartment and put them in her dads mailbox... A few days after this, I was served with the PFA paperwork.

[Skip]

I sent a few text messages to her and one of her friends, calling her out on some of the things she was doing and her behavior. A few hours later, she sent the same girl she has blocked (the one she was dating) to my apartment, who knocked on my door and started intimidating me and yelling at me at my front door... I said I was going to call the police, so she left. I called the police anyway and gave them their names/numbers...

The following day, I returned some items that she left at my apartment and put them in her dads mailbox... A few days after this, I was served with the PFA paperwork.

Protection from abuse order (PFA) is for physical abuse, intimidation or stalking. Did you do this?

If not, then this was a tactic in a love triangle dispute. You call the police on the "other person". They responded with a PFA. This is a lot of escalated fighting.

[FallenOne]

Protection from abuse order (PFA) is for physical abuse, intimidation or stalking. Did you do this?

If not, then this was a tactic in a love triangle dispute. You call the police on the "other person". They responded with a PFA. This is a lot of escalated fighting.

I have never hit her or touched her in an aggressive way... The worst thing I ever did was yell back at her when she raged at me. I never made any threats, and never intimidated... I never stalked either... I only went near her property to return items that her friends requested I return.

[Skip]

I think it would help to go back over your entire story, with member help, and piece it together in a clinical, non-emotional way. Right now you have facts, emotions, and guilt all wrapped together. We need a clear image of what we lived to understand it and process it.

For this type of exercise, let go of the guilt. Just for this exercise. Let go of defensiveness. Let go of emotion as much as you can.

For example, with respect to you calling the police and the restraining order... .these are actions that may be motivated by past emotions, but putting that aside, what threats did each party realistically perceive in December?

You say you yelled at her. But it was not threatening. The other person yelled at you and you called police. See what I'm saying? It will help to be able to lay this out.

You visited her in the hospital and you picked her up on release. Things were peaceful.

In the next few days, she reacted strongly (over-reacted) to a personal request you had and moved out.

She obviously was in contact with the "other person" as she left you to go there (correct?).

Then what? Remember, a women can file a PFA if you are contacting her after she asked you to stop and sent angry texts. If you told her off or yelled at her or got into an aggressive situation with the other person - all this would be enough for a judge. And what happened to you. Why did you call the police?

[FallenOne]

what threats did each party realistically perceive in December?

I'm not really sure about her, but I felt threatened by her friend coming to my house. I don't know why she feels threatened other than me exposing her to her friends.

You say you yelled at her. But it was not threatening.

I yelled at her when she yelled at me, but did not say anything that was a threat.

She obviously was in contact with the "other person" as she left you to go there (correct?).

Yes. Either she was already in contact with them prior and lied about it, or she contacted them directly before or following the breakup.

Then what? Remember, a women can file a PFA if you are contacting her after she asked you to stop and sent angry texts. If you told her off or yelled at her or got into an aggressive situation with the other person - all this would be enough for a judge. And what happened to you. Why did you call the police?

All I did after this person showed up at my house was take a few of her belongings to her dads place and put them in the mailbox. I had to make two trips to do this because the first time I forgot something. They requested that I do this... Her female friend was talking to me on facebook and harrassing me, but I kept replying to her messages... I only pointed out her behavior and how she really is to her brainwashed friend... I didn't tell anyone off or yell at anyone or make any threats. I did return the stuff I forgot to return AFTER her friend warned me not to make anymore contact though, but that was all I did.

I called the police because of her friend coming to my apartment and intimidating me.

[Skip]

I don't know why she feels threatened other than me exposing her to her friends.

What was listed on the court document?

I'm no trying to push you in any direction, but I am trying to help you cast the postmortem. You're asking if the PFA is related to breaking up in the hospital, but you don't have a clear view of what happened in December on their end. Was it complete folly? Was it retaliation? Was it oneupmanship? Was it sincere concern (but over-reaction)? Was in warranted? You have to get it down to this level if you are going to see what happened and find peace with it.

At 35,000 feet, your gf sounds very high on the BPD spectrum. Two hospitalizations in a year is a lot. Then there is the love triangle with her hopping back and forth. Then there is the high conflict level between you - her - and her friend. They've drawn blood. You've drawn blood. Getting out of this is smart and is good that you are honoring the PFA.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to untangle the story and piece it together so that you can find peace.

[FallenOne]

What was listed on the court document?

It is mostly just things that happened during fights/arguments from the past four years. Mostly none of it is recent. The few things she does have in there that are recent, are just more like high school drama than serious abuse accusations. There are a lot of stretched truths in her statement. The most abusive thing she has in her statement is that I shoved her and threatened her with a gun... Neither of which is true. My attorney told me that the judge only cares about the past 6 months... She has no evidence, no dates, no threats in text message, no physical harm, no property damage, no nothing...

You're asking if the PFA is related to breaking up in the hospital, but you don't have a clear view of what happened in December on their end. Was it complete folly? Was it retaliation? Was it oneupmanship? Was it sincere concern (but over-reaction)? Was in warranted? You have to get it down to this level if you are going to see what happened and find peace with it.

These are all questions I'm asking myself and don't know the real answers to... Even if I could or did talk to her and ask, I wouldn't get a real answer from her. Just more vagueness and confusion.

At 35,000 feet, your gf sounds very high on the BPD spectrum. Two hospitalizations in a year is a lot. Then there is the love triangle with her hopping back and forth. Then there is the high conflict level between you - her - and her friend. They've drawn blood. You've drawn blood. Getting out of this is smart and is good that you are honoring the PFA.

Make that four hospitalizations in a year... January of 2016, she was admitted to inpatient mental health. Mach of 2016 (when I broke up with her in person in the hospital). May of 2016 as well... And most recently, December of 2016...