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Author Topic: Stuck in the middle  (Read 438 times)
angstyx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« on: January 09, 2017, 02:55:03 PM »

I'm the mother of a 21 year old transgender daughter who has been diagnosed with BPD.  She has had multiple suicide attempts, struggles with cutting, and has lost almost every job she's held because she is incapable of self-regulating well enough to maintain a proper work/sleep/video game balance. 

After the last suicide attempt, where she stole a vial of my husband's insulin and injected herself out in a field and then at the last minute called 911, she ended up in the state hospital for about a month.  We were really hopeful that she would receive some serious help there.  While I do feel that at least her meds were able to be tweaked and balanced while she was there, we didn't really see any significant behavioral changes once she got out.

After she left the hospital, she moved in with us because she had lost her job and had nowhere else to go.  So I, along with my husband, her step-dad, are currently providing a home, food, etc. for her.  She is currently seeing a counselor who has experience with BPD and DBT, she is taking her meds regularly, and is currently job-hunting.  So, overall, she seems to be doing fairly well and we haven't had any suicide attempts over the last 5 months.  We've had no major issues, just a constant stream of little issues.

Our problem seems to be with helping her reign in her impulses and work on helping her find balance in her life.  She is an avid gamer, and left to her own devices, would game/play on the internet every waking hour.  We've implemented limits on her gaming and attached requirements and responsibilities that she must meet in order to earn her game/internet time.  She struggles with these rules, and we caught her sneaking gaming time recently.  My husband (her step-dad) is incredibly fed up with her constantly pushing the boundaries and has ramped up the consequences to the point where we aren't allowing her on the computer at all except to apply for jobs.

She also struggles with other areas, such as over-eating, getting to bed on time, finding other interests that she can fill her time with besides gaming, and maintaining friendships in real life.  She's also had a couple instances of becoming unnaturally attached to people she meets online, and we've found posts from her about wanting to run away and be with these people she barely knows, but she's never acted on these impulses.

As a result, we have established a ton of rules relating to all these issues in order to create boundaries and help her maintain a balance in her life.  It's gotten to the point where we feel like if we don't have a rule for it, she will push it to the limit.  So we have rules upon rules, regarding other rules.  We have a rule for each possible outcome in any particular situation.  My husband and I feel like all we do is come up with new rules to keep her on track and out of trouble.  It's incredibly exhausting.  For the most part, she does ok following the rules until out of the blue it's like she loses the ability to think and just willy nilly breaks random rules.  We typically already have consequences already established for all the rules, but as I mentioned, my husband is over it.  At this point, he wants to escalate the punishments because she keeps repeating the same behaviors, and is leaning toward the nuclear option of kicking her out (she has nowhere else to go, not even her biological dad will let her move in) whenever there's another issue. 

So I feel like I'm in the middle.  I agree that she has to face consequences when she breaks the rules.  And I want to present a united front so that she doesn't feel like she can play us against each other.  But at times I feel like the consequences my husband wants implement are too harsh.  For example, after finding her sneaking computer time, we took her computer away completely and we only let her check her phone a couple times a day in case she gets a call or email about a job.  I get taking the computer away for a period of time.  But my husband doesn't want to attach a time frame to it.  And he doesn't want to give her back her phone until she has a job and has kept it for 30 days.  I'm concerned because the last time she tried to kill herself, she would have died if she hadn't had her phone.  And I'm concerned that we are isolating her from friends (even if they are online) that she uses for support.  So there is a LOT of conflict between my husband and myself about how to handle these situations and how best to help her.  I feel like it's destroying our marriage.  I feel caught between advocating for what's best for my daughter vs. supporting my husband in what he feels is best.  I do voice my opinion about trying to find a more moderate punishment, and sometimes he agrees, but that's usually after a huge blow-up.  He feels I'm always protecting, and making excuses for, my daughter, and I feel he can never see any of the good things she does or progress she makes.

I feel like I'm at the point where I'm being forced to chose between my husband or my daughter, and I want to keep both of them in my life.  But I know that none of us can take the constant stress that comes from my husband blowing every little mistake out of proportion AND my daughter always trying to push boundaries and acting impulsively... .and me trying to referee between the two of them.  I know the behavioral changes for her will be in baby steps and will take time.  But I don't think my husband is willing to wait much longer.  He has been pushed to his limit.  And I just can't be in the middle anymore.  So I would love any advice, encouragement, feedback, etc. 
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
drained1996
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 693


« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2017, 11:21:44 PM »

hi angstyx,

Welcome

Sorry to you are here under such difficult circumstances, but we are glad you found us.  We know it's absolutely draining at times to deal with loved ones with BPD... .you are certainly not alone here which you will see.
You've given a ton of information... .which is absolutely great.  I personally have no kids nor experience with dealing with that type of situation so I'm going to stick with some basics and let some others chime in with specifics.
Number one, it's great to hear she is in therapy, that's something to be upbeat about.  I'll ask if you all have thought about therapy yourselves to help guide you through this process?  Many here have found that to be very valuable in their own journey... .I know I have. 
In the right margin of this page there are some tools and lessons designed to help you better understand and navigate your circumstances.  Learning and implementing them is a process, so take your time. 
I will ask, what are you doing to look out for yourself in this stressful time period in life?  Taking care of ourselves is an important part of being able to help take care of others.  Keep posting!  I learned the more I shared the more I got in return here!
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Lollypop
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 01:55:20 AM »

Hi angstx

Welcome to the forum.

My BPDs26 returned home dec15 after a crisis. We'd had a miserable time of it too and I know just how exhausting it can be.

I've learnt a different way. I finally understood that I have no control over his behaviours.  I can only change mine. Since I've been learning here about BPD I have better understood his limitations and challenges.  I knew that we HAD to change OUR approach. To behave like an adult, he needed to be treated like one.  

Now I can understand that you'd find some difficulty with this given your current situation. I know others on the forum have got there son or daughter in residential therapy and this approach is totally different.

I'm not a professional. I'm just a mum who is trying to find a way to live my life, have a good relationship with my adult BPDs despite the problems. What I've also learnt is how we all had to walk on egg shells around my husband. It's been quite a journey for us but we've found a way forwards. Progress isn't always linear.

I recognised my approach was either too hard or too soft. I've found a new way:  assertive and loving.  With validation skills my BPDs has responded very positively but very slowly.

Whatever you decide you and your husband have to be singing from the same side sheet.  My husband has found this process incredibly difficult and has often doubted what I've been doing but he started to turn slowly:  he changed his behaviours.

This is about them learning how to make their own mistakes and learn from them.  It's about personal growth.  I recognise that goes for my husband and me too.

I'm sorry this reply is short but I've got to fly out.

There IS a life waiting without BPD being the dominant factor.  I know this to be true because I'm living it. I have a safe, supportive family environment now that we all enjoy. It took me over 10 years to change it.

Get reading and posting. Ask any question you want.

It's brilliant you're here. Baby steps for all three if you.

Hugsl

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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
angstyx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2017, 03:46:34 PM »

hi angstyx,

Welcome

Sorry to you are here under such difficult circumstances, but we are glad you found us.  We know it's absolutely draining at times to deal with loved ones with BPD... .you are certainly not alone here which you will see.
You've given a ton of information... .which is absolutely great.  I personally have no kids nor experience with dealing with that type of situation so I'm going to stick with some basics and let some others chime in with specifics.
Number one, it's great to hear she is in therapy, that's something to be upbeat about.  I'll ask if you all have thought about therapy yourselves to help guide you through this process?  Many here have found that to be very valuable in their own journey... .I know I have. 
In the right margin of this page there are some tools and lessons designed to help you better understand and navigate your circumstances.  Learning and implementing them is a process, so take your time. 
I will ask, what are you doing to look out for yourself in this stressful time period in life?  Taking care of ourselves is an important part of being able to help take care of others.  Keep posting!  I learned the more I shared the more I got in return here!

Thank you for the response!  Yes, I'm very glad that she is in therapy.  She is also starting a 16 week cycle of DBT group work that I'm hoping will be helpful, as well.

I will definitely check out the resources you mentioned.  And yes, I have thought about therapy or family counseling for my husband and myself; unfortunately finances, after covering her weekly therapy sessions, don't allow for us to move forward on that quite yet. 

As for taking care of myself, I do try to get to the gym a few times a week and my husband and I take every opportunity possible to get out of the house together in order to have some alone time.  Thank you for the reminder to look after myself... .it's easy to let the situation drain me until all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep!

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angstyx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2017, 03:52:59 PM »

Hi angstx

I've learnt a different way. I finally understood that I have no control over his behaviours.  I can only change mine. Since I've been learning here about BPD I have better understood his limitations and challenges.  I knew that we HAD to change OUR approach. To behave like an adult, he needed to be treated like one.


Thank you for the response!  I'm interested in hearing more about how you changed your methods in order to treat your son like an adult to encourage him to act like an adult.  I've thought several times that all of this micro-managing isn't sustainable.  I feel like once my daughter moves out on her own, she's most likely to throw all the rules and self-regulation we've been trying to encourage right out the window, much like a freshman in college who finally gets away from mom and dad's house and parties it up so much he fails his first semester.  But with my BPD daughter, I feel the stakes are higher than failing a semester of classes.  It could mean her life.  So there's got to be a way to get her to choose these behaviors on her own, otherwise it won't last.
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Lollypop
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 03:53:20 PM »

Hi angstx

I'm really glad you've found that taking time out for yourself and husband is beneficial.  Part of my approach was to commit to myself and demonstrate that I have a life of my own.  We try to get time together but we don't always manage it, limited finances and sometimes we take the easy option and flop. Thanks for the reminder.

L
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
Lollypop
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2017, 04:12:49 PM »

Hi angst

Our posts crossed.

My BPDs was 24 when he returned home the last time.  You may not understand this but I gave no rules. I decided to take my foot off the gas.  He was seriously depressed, recently diagnosed and his latest GF had realised his complexities and problems and dumped him, but nicely as she was a good girl.

I got to basics.  My basic priorities. I wanted to live in a better atmosphere as we were all so miserable.  I was nearly accepting my BPDs would never have a life I'd dreamed of but, regardless of his behaviours, I wanted a good relationship with him. Thirdly, he had to learn how to live independently and I knew it was my job to help him achieve this, given his limitations with financial management, it was up to me to "aid" him by not enabling him with money.

Notice the above is about me. Better happier family home.  Relationship with my BPDs despite the problems.  Help him to leave successfully as possible.

It's been a phased approach starting with no rules.  

This may be something that a lot of parents in this forum just don't understand. I left him to his own choices, I provided a room and food, love and got to work on making him feel safe to make mistakes.

That's where I started anyway.  I explored a way forward.  My husband had reached his end and was willing to give this change in approach a try. It was difficult for me as he constantly questioned and criticised me but finally accepted it was working.

Our son doesn't rage but internalises so this helped us as we didn't need boundaries.

Treating them as adults takes time and practise. I treat him as I would like to be treated by others as my guide,

Please ask again, more specifics if you like as you work through your thoughts. It takes time to pare down to the absolute essentials,

These are big changes done over a long period and require consistency, persistency, assertiveness with love,  validation skills in a loving supportive environment have been essential to us.

L

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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
Lollypop
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 04:22:28 PM »

Sorry I just realised you'd find this useful.

Read up on the difference between boundaries and limits on this website.

Boundaries: 6 feet thick concrete boundaries. These are for behaviours you just will not accept like violence.

Limits: are flexible and negotiable like letting you know if they're not coming home, keeping their space clean

I have no boundaries other than no drugs in the house.

Limits: minimal contribution towards his living expenses paid each week

I've kept it very simple. My BPDs needs simplicity,
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
angstyx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2017, 10:07:03 AM »

Sorry I just realised you'd find this useful.

Read up on the difference between boundaries and limits on this website.

Boundaries: 6 feet thick concrete boundaries. These are for behaviours you just will not accept like violence.

Limits: are flexible and negotiable like letting you know if they're not coming home, keeping their space clean

I have no boundaries other than no drugs in the house.

Limits: minimal contribution towards his living expenses paid each week

I've kept it very simple. My BPDs needs simplicity,

Thank you so much for explaining your approach and for the advice.  It seems counter-intuitive in some ways, but my gut tells me this might be the way to go.  Convincing my husband to give this a try though... .not sure if that's gonna work!  But I appreciate the advice!
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