BPD wife and I are currently separated. She's done, I want to work it out.

[path2D]

We have two young children, just moved to her hometown from a job promotion I received, hadn't lived for more than 3 weeks before she went cold and cut me out.

Unfortunately, it came to this point before I started to read into BPD, validation, and keeping myself from making matters worse. I was completely blind to the role I needed to be in vs the "fix it" structure.

After no therapy/medication for a year (we switched insurance company, and much later sold out house and moved) and starting therapy again... .Just after two sessions she came home with a note for me. It basically said that she couldn't keep her promises in marriage. That the guy she recently had been sexting (an old quasi-friend with benefits off and on guy before me) was a requirement in her life... .She thought she could move past him, but was stuck and it was making me turn into an over powering, scary jerk to be honest... .Her therapist said that she needs to work on herself and her past trauma, that she can't do that in a relationship... .And convinced her that she believes our marriage is over whether she wants to admit it to herself or not.

Since then, she's dangled custody in my face, wants me to have the kids every weekend, and has been poking and prodding at me. She's told me that every time she's ever told me she was happy, she was saying it to make me happy. That she's been miserable the entire relationship (5 years) and that she's just not supposed to be a person who gets married... .Yet talks about maybe one day getting married again. That she can't fulfill my expectations of what a wife is (I've never asked her to be the perfect wife, but she did assume that role... .I've even told her to cut herself some slack.

The poking and prodding at me, did lead me to being angry at her. She was trying to say that she wanted what's best for the kids, I have them every weekend, blah blah... .I told her that this whole thing is about her and wanting a divorce so she can run off and be a happy free slut again... .If I could take it back... She carved slut into her leg that night.

I've scratched and clawed at this to try and stop it out of fear, anger, confusion, and misery before I ever read a book on BPD.

I still believe that we could work this out and rebuild something strong. Maybe with just a long break apart and a willingness to revisit "us." But, even before my scratching and clawing, she just didn't want to work on it.

I just feel like we finally found stability, bought a house, barely moved in and hasn't even seen a marriage therapist before she threw in the towel.

Am I just stupid for hoping this'll ever turn around? We have 4 months before we can even file.

I'm lost on why her therapist would tell her that she can't be in a relationship. Or why she would tell her that she's made her mind up already after just two visits... .

I'm in my own apartment now, I gave her the big house with cheap mortgage (got an awesome deal). I'm trying not to be clingy. I'm wondering if she'll get to a point of missing me, if we're in constant contact because of our kids. I'm trying to be helpful to her. Borrowed her my car, fixed some things at the house with her, helped her set up and pay the bills... .

I fear I'm just going to be the available friend that will bail her out and help her because she's the mother of my children, but won't ever become romantic with her again.

I've... .Gotten used to my new place. It's alright. I'm having a tough time at my job focusing. I'm seeing a therapist weekly.

Advice? Please? Anyone see someone survive from something this deep?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you've had to find the  bpdfamily, but am also glad that you did. If for no other reasons than a safe place to vent and find support.

Yes, I've seen relationships survive from far darker places. I know that this sounds trite and obvious, but as long as you have hope, there is hope.

If I were you, I'd stop wondering why the therapist told her such things. First, you were not there, so you don't know what the therapist said. It's just as possible that your wife is blaming the therapist so that she doesn't have to deal with her own feelings (projecting).

Also, many of us have experienced the fear that you talk about, being the supportive friend. To counter that, it's best to become the most attractive, confident, and "best choice" that you can be.

Reading the basic tools in the sidebar to the right is a great place to start.

I'm glad to hear that you're seeing a therapist yourself. What else are you doing to take care of you? Exercising? Eating a healthy diet? Doing things that you enjoy?

[livednlearned]

Saying that she is not someone who should be married... .it sounds like she is experiencing anxiety in the relationship that is perhaps triggered by moving home (stuff with her family of origin that she may have been able to manage while living further away). Does that seem plausible?

Being BPD, she won't understand that anxiety she feels is about issues with her real self, so she'll ratchet up her defensive behaviors (sexting, dating multiple partners, etc.) in a desperate effort to deal with the anxiety.

You are not stupid to hope it will turn around. Whatever happens, though, be sure to take care of your needs first and foremost, as unused to this as you may be. For one, she will be feeling some shame about how she is treating you, and shame is like kryptonite to someone with BPD. The more you protect yourself, the less defensive she will be around you, is my guess. And two, she is being surprisingly forthright, so take her words at face value so that you aren't kicking yourself in a year's time.

It sounds like you will likely end up being the primary caregiver. Why not take the big house?

Would you be ok to learn that she is spending nights with men in a house you're paying for?

You have to have self-respect in these relationships, for your sake and for hers.