How am I supposed to feel?

[purekalm]

I am just beginning to uncover all of the resentment that I have over the stuff with ex.

I openly resented my h while he was still here. Everyone is different and time does NOT heal all wounds, but it is what you need to properly process everything as it comes up.

I don't agree with this. The decisions that I make impact the lives of these kids. When it comes to the legal system, my opinions and my decisions WILL be scrutinized. I do not operate in a vacuum. If my opinions and decisions put my kids in danger, that is NOT cool. If my opinions and decisions are based on some kind of willy nilly feeling or some kind of pipe dream, that kind of matters. If I know that I am not in a place to see things clearly, then I definitely need to consult with others. I need help making sure that I am doing the right thing for the right reasons. It is the process of discernment.

I don't believe I mentioned that you do operate in a vacuum or that the thought of your kids or anyone's opinion's didn't matter. If I worded this incorrectly, I'm sorry. To rephrase: Getting advice from others and considering all people, legalities, your current state of being (thoughts/emotions etc.) that ultimately you have to take it all in and the final decision is yours along with the full weight of the responsibility of that decision. No one else can be blamed, praised or any other for it than you for that reason. I assumed, from what you've written already, that you take all of this into account when you make a decision, major or minor. You've not given me any reason to believe otherwise with how much you care for your children.

I would also not assume you would make a decision when in a state of depression, anger or confusion because of the love and care you have expressed for your children. I'm not sure what made you believe my advice was contrary to this.

In any case, here on this website none of us are counselors or therapists and can only give advice from what we've experienced ourselves and what worked for us. If I invalidated you in any way I am truly sorry as it was not my intention in the least. All of us are hurting or have been hurt very deeply and are searching for answers. I hope that one day you will find the answers you're seeking.   

[lovenature]

How can he do that and then look at me like I am crazy when I get mad and lash out? How?

Because he has a serious mental illness that enables him to distort reality to protect him from feeling emotions too painful for him to handle.

Recovery isn't linear; I have found that the further out I have gotten, the clearer things have become. Sometimes I feel better because of it, other times it really hurts.
It takes what it takes-be gentle with yourself.

[vortex of confusion]

Because he has a serious mental illness that enables him to distort reality to protect him from feeling emotions too painful for him to handle.

His reality is definitely broken.

Recovery isn't linear; I have found that the further out I have gotten, the clearer things have become. Sometimes I feel better because of it, other times it really hurts.

It is amazing how much clearer things are becoming. I am shaking my head at how far off track things got. There are days when I feel awesome and feel like I can conquer anything. Other days, it all seems too overwhelming and I wonder how I am going to manage.

It is weird how the hurt will sometimes sneak up on me at weird times for weird reasons. I can't believe how much I enabled him. Even now, I will give him something small to do and he will text me a bunch of times to let me know what is going on or ask me questions. I used to respond without even thinking. Now, it annoys me and I tell him to figure it out for himself. No wonder I couldn't think straight.