NC with uBPDex, but her daughter wants me in her life

[Movin-on]

I broke it off with uBPDex over year ago, established NC which was broken a couple times (bad idea!), but since learning she is BPD couple months ago, committed to staying NC forever.  Problem is that she has three kids from previous marriage.  Her middle daughter went off to college and is having a hard time w/ identity issues, depression, making sense of life after 18 years with her uBPD mom (my ex).  The daughter is a sweatheart, and she & I got along great during the 4 years her mom & I dated.  She appreciated having me around during her HS years and she said to me often "you make my mom calm and life better around here for all of us".  My uBPDexgf had three kids by her 1st husband, none with me. 

I'd like to continue being there in the background for the daughter.  She'll write from college once in a while, text me Merry Xmas & Happy Birthday, send pics from college of her with new college friends and at football games.  Here's the deal and my dilemma - staying in the daughter's life, even with me way in the background, brings with it a kind of indirect tangential contact with her uBPD mom, my ex.  When I hear from her daughter it stirs up the baggage I have with her uBPD mom.

Should I go NC with the innocent daughter and hope she stops writing me?       

[gotbushels]

Hi Movin-on 

This conflict seems difficult. On the one hand you may feel anxious about the connection to the mother. You also have what seems to be a healthy human relationship with the daughter.

What's important to you right now, aside from this relationship with the middle daughter? Maybe looking at this might give you some ideas about what you can do with this relationship. 

[Pretty Woman]

Moving-On.

This is my opinion, please take it for what it is. We all have choices and I am not trying to sway you either way, just expressing how I would handle this.

First off, I feel for you  . I thought it was hard losing a dog in my split. I cannot imagine losing children I'd grown to love and have an attachment to.

You say this girl is having a lot of problems.

This is going to sound cold but I would not continue contact.

All that will happen is you will be right back in the situation you just came out of: Caregiver/Rescuer and you will still be tied to your ex through a third person (look up triangulation).

This is not your child. I am not diminishing that because you don't have to share the same DNA to have that father/daughter, Mother/Son etc. relationship/bond. But it doesn't sound like you came out of a healthy situation and the daughter is still CONNECTED to that situation.

Right now, for you to heal, you need distance. You need distance to get YOU back. You are likely not equipt to handle her issues right now as you are still processing what you went through with her mother.

IMO, the best thing to do is let her go with love. Tell her how much she means to you and she has a special place in your heart but you need to heal from what you've been through. Tell her you will reach out when you are ready.

Otherwise, she could call/email you for every little thing and this will keep you emeshed with your ex wife, even though not directly.

I think it's healthiest for her and for you to part. It doesn't have to be forever, you will know as you heal if this is a relationship you want to continue.

It's all about you now and that is not being selfish. It's called Self-Preservation.

 
PW