How to respond to raging ?

[Harlygirl]

How should I respond to raging by my BPD bf? He is often triggered by conflicts in his own bio family ... .with mother... .brothers ... .daughters (ingrained and enmeshed) As these conflicts are predictably circular when he is dysregulated ... .he might apologize ... .but then the raging begins again ... .Seems like the longer I remain in his presence the worse it gets ... .Because I can only control my behavior ... .and not his ... .I choose to remove myself (typically leave the house) ... .ultimately though abondonment issues are triggered ... .What to do ? How is the cycle broken ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lockjaw]

I have this issue sometimes. If I leave, that triggers the abandonment issues. Some have suggested leaving, as your boundary, but saying when you will be back.

When my GF gets angry, there really is no stopping her. The more you argue, the more it fuels them. And its hard not to respond. Sometimes I can ask her what is really bothering her a few times, in a very calm voice and she will eventually say.

My biggest issue was her wanting to hash stuff out while I was at work. I had to be ugly about it to finally get her to understand. I don't mind a pleasant conversation, but she has to get that I have a job and I have to do it, and I can't spend it arguing with her.

She doesn't like it one bit. But knows I will ignore her.

[Tattered Heart]

One thing my therapist taught me to do is that when/if I leave, I don't just leave, but I say something like, "I don't want to be yelled at. I'm going to go for about 30 minutes (or however long) to give things time to cool off, then I'll be back." Then leave. That way he knows that you aren't leaving leaving. He knows you will be back.