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Author Topic: Don't want to end it but can't see how we can continue to live together  (Read 408 times)
mrstring

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 21


« on: January 10, 2017, 06:14:02 PM »

 I read back at every single one of my posts today here and on another forum and am amazed I did not get here sooner. I guess I feel so much guilt about not making it work that I took much more crap than I should have. I am no saint but this forum has been like a journal for me, one that can't be found and criticized. One post there went back to June 2015 and things have only gotten worse.

Yesterday after having 9 wonderful days off together, I am not joking. I had such hope for the relationship. We had so much fun just being home together, The issue is normally when I am out of her sight. So on Sunday after complimenting her in the kitchen, she said I know you like my body but only until you find someone better. After NINE DAYS together of just us she says that. So I ask her if she really thought I would leave her for such a superficial reason? I was very upset and it caused an argument. It passed somewhat quickly.

Then the next morning things seemed great again. We were going to eat at Olive Garden, so I called my mom while she got ready. Then went to the room about an hour later and she starts getting very angry. Anyhow, 9 hours later. She said she wants me out. I say can I at least spend the night to find arrangements for tomorrow night. Things calmed down for a few minutes, then she became irate and threatened to call the cops. Like I said earlier, she already 10 years ago lied to the cops about me hitting her. I said please don't and I will pack and leave tonight if that is what she wants. As I started to get my bag she said she is going to call the cops anyhow and I am going to jail again because she hates me and that she said I cheated on her, etc. I got terrified and walked over to my neighbors and she called 911. I then called my brother to see if I could go there. I really didn't want to get my family involved.

The deputy asked to speak with me. She said she claimed no physical violence and I asked if they can stay while I packed my things. He said they have to anyway to make sure I didn't destroy or steal anything, I said that is fine.

So I am at my brother's. I am devastated. She says this is all my fault. That I am to blame, if I handled things differently or responded differently this wouldn't have happened. I know in all relationships no one is blameless but there are ways to discuss things. Maybe I am to blame for a lot of it but there are things I know I am not. Anyhow very very tough time right now. On a side note I miss my dogs so very very very much.

The two times I went over there with someone there for safety it resorted back to the same old pattern. She just wants to constantly talk and analyze. I am very lucky to have a supportive family , these forums and my therapist.

This occurred last week. I am still so torn. I want to go back but I know the same patterns will emerge.

Since then we spoke numerous times which my brother that I am staying with is not too happy about. Understandable but I keep thinking things can work for some reason.

I think by getting involved in these long conversations aren't helping anyone. Plus as my other brother said I probably view it as a challenge to convince her I was good to her. And no matter how long I talk or try to persuade her I will never ever convince her.

I just have to work on myself.

1. Why do I stay in these circular conversations, why can't I end them.

2. Why do I let the anger get the better of me and am probably prolonging these circular arguments.

3. Am I really uncaring or unempathetic.

4. How to be more firm with my decisions. I'm probably sending her or others mixed messages.



It's very tragic.
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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2017, 08:53:45 PM »

Hey mr. String,

Stop being so hard on yourself.  At best this is not all your fault, and as you will see, you have probably been made to feel responsible both by your loved one and being honest, yourself. 

I know you feel guilty, but that's because you care. You put up with crap because you are empathetic.  You aren't sending mixed messages to her, but to yourself.

Stop and process that she called the cops on you for?   
Be honest. 
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Lucky Jim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 02:47:47 PM »

Hey mrstring, My guess is that, on some level, you already know what you need to do.  As ynwa suggests, think seriously about what happened.  To me, calling the Police is a red flag.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

What needs to happen in order for you to get clarity?  Next time, maybe you'll spend time in jail for false DV claims?  It only gets worse, my friend, so don't kid yourself.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
mrstring

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 21


« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 11:05:30 PM »

Agreed about the red flag. I really wish she would admit that and other behavior was out of line. It would make me feel some hope of reconciliation instead of saying I don't feel her pain of things I haven't done.
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mrstring

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 21


« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2017, 06:26:36 PM »

Thanks for the encouraging words.

Little update. I spoke with her at lunch over the phone. We have seen each other probably a little too often but am very clear I need to feel safe and quite frankly I miss the woman I love when she shows up.

Anyhow she really wants me to move back in and work on us while living there. I do feel guilty but made a promise to myself that when she called 911 and I was walking towards that deputy, I was thinking I am NEVER going to put myself in that position without some REAL change in her.

She went on to say that well you have to change too. I said yes I do, there are several things I'd like to change about myself and to be honest how I react in the relationship, about not validating enough or being more proactive, angry reactions, etc. 

But what I told her is "What I am hearing is "It's up to you mrstring to change enough that you wont upset me and if I get upset I may do those  things to you again but it would be your fault for not acting correctly.
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JohnLove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2017, 01:53:29 AM »

"But what I told her is "What I am hearing is "It's up to you mrstring to change enough that you wont upset me and if I get upset I may do those  things to you again but it would be your fault for not acting correctly."


Yes, which is also the theme of this website.

The bottom line is you didn't follow the script in HER BPD playbook and you had to be punished.

I'm guessing you stood your ground in an argument or even disagreement so she had to escalate by calling the cops.  
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mrstring

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 21


« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2017, 12:53:19 PM »

"But what I told her is "What I am hearing is "It's up to you mrstring to change enough that you wont upset me and if I get upset I may do those  things to you again but it would be your fault for not acting correctly."


Yes, which is also the theme of this website.

The bottom line is you didn't follow the script in HER BPD playbook and you had to be punished.

I'm guessing you stood your ground in an argument or even disagreement so she had to escalate by calling the cops.  

I am not sure how it got there. I know I was tired and wanted to go to bed. She just kept saying how she can't stay in this relationship anymore and that I have to leave, then I said can you give me until tomorrow to find a place and I can leave. Then even as I was reaching for my bag she said she was going to call the cops anyhow.

It's funny that I am in love with her. The last few years have gotten worse, she thinks that I changed, maybe because my eyes were being opened. I was still loving and caring for her. I still am.
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mrstring

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Posts: 21


« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2017, 10:17:35 AM »

A little update. I am now living in a rented room with a nice older couple. It has been very tough and lonely but I know going back is not an option. I will feel alot better once she is out of that place and comfortably in a new one. I still feel tremendous guilt but I think that is because of being told how awful I am and am to blame for everything over the last few years.
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sweetheart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2017, 12:40:08 PM »

Hello mrstring,

I am pleased that you have found somewhere more permanent to stay. As Lucky Jim said when you have a SO with a history of making false allegations and involving the police you are on a very dangerous knife edge. I too have a dBPDh who makes false allegations, has phoned the police and mental health services saying I am abusing him.
I am trying to leave without leaving my home and without seriously triggering him.
It is hard not to internalise and believe that you are at fault after years of being told that you are. The longer you are apart with limited or no contact the more you talk about the relationship in therapy the more your awareness and understanding will increase. The dynamics of a relationship of a pwBPD are complex and we too are often triggered and stay because of and for a myriad of reasons.
Where are you with contact, what are your plans?
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mrstring

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Posts: 21


« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2017, 01:16:15 PM »

Contact is less and less. Especially once she gets out of the apartment, I don't know where she is going to go. I am trying to bear as much financial burden as I can until she gets her own place, then she is basically on her own. We talk now until we get things split which will be at the end of the lease at the end of March. We also have contact because we share dogs, which are basically I feel like children. Her car payment of $600 is in my name, she said she will help pay for it if she can drive it, which I am OK with. I really have no other choice, I can't swing it by myself. She lives with her 26 year old son, who basically let a storage unit payment slip since November so he is busy paying that instead of helping her mom out. It is an emotional and financial nightmare.

Plus the apartment complex is saying the lease goes month to month and if her and her son don't sign me off I will be responsible. Although a lawyer sent them a letter on my behalf basically saying that is BS

My lease at my current place is for six months, after that I am not sure.
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