Narcissistic Mother AND Sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I just want to take the opportunity to introduce myself and say that I'm glad this forum exists.  I'm an adult survivor of a narcissistic mother and my sister is also narcissistic (I came from a single-parent home with only one sibling, compounding the problem).  It took me almost 10 years to really get "outside the bubble" and be able to have some perspective on just how profoundly my mother's narcissism affected me and shaped who I became.  So, I wanted to rant for a sec on this forum because I've been noticing some feelings surface by way of emotional eating and need to express them out loud.  Also, if anyone has similar stories to tell, I'd love to connect and talk to you!

One really vivid memory of my mother's anger and overly controlling behavior came when I was all of eight years old.  I was hopping around on one of those pogo balls back in the 80's and fell into her brass and glass shelf, which stood five feet tall.  Two of the glass shelves broke on top of me and her reaction was fury.  Not concern for my health and whether I was ok, but extreme anger that her shelf was damaged.  I remember sitting there in tears from fear as she yelled at the top of her lungs over me for the longest time, just crying my eyes out.  To make matters worse, I was grounded and my toy was taken away.  This really affirmed for me (which took years to unravel) that I was not worthy.  So I became submissive, agreeable to a fault and an extreme people pleaser.  So much that I got severely depressed because my needs were deeply suppressed.

Another time at age 27 I disclosed to her that I had been sexually abused from ages 5-6 by the babysitter's 13-year-old son (sex was involved regularly).  Her reaction?  "I was sexually abused too... .by an uncle.  But I never told anyone until now."  Then she started to cry.  No hug for me.  No apology for not being there for me.  She just licked her own wounds.  I walked away because I just couldn't wrap my head around her reaction and I was also hurt because I expected her support.  That event really was the first to open my eyes to the true nature of our relationship.  It jolted me awake and caused me to look at our relationship honestly without the hope of a loving mother that I held onto for so long.

After a surgery when I was 26 I asked her to come and care for me during the most emergent 24 hours post-op.  Her response?  "I don't have time."  She eventually came but left early to go visit someone.

I remember always asking her to scratch my back as a child as an excuse to have what I thought was her undivided attention.  She was always too busy to pay 100% attention to me.  And when she did notice me, it was always on her terms.  Usually in the mornings before school and at the dinner table.  And during those times she was angry and usually yelling at me.  My cousins used to comment at how mean she was.  My biological father also said she was very mean (perspective -- I had none because of the brainwashing).

The only time she was really nice to me was when she was drunk.  Then it was just embarrassing because she was sloppy and wanted to hang all over me like I was a coat rack.  Again, her needs before mine.  She also smelled like alcohol, which I hated. 

I began to realize in my late 20's just before I stopped speaking to her that she resented me.  This showed up in the form of disdain and hate towards me.  I honestly can say that my own mother doesn't like me.  She claims to love me but it's her idea of love which is distorted to fit her strange reality.  Since I cut her out, I feel she has a hole in her life since I'm not in it anymore.  Not because she loves me dearly, but because she doesn't have anyone to pick on anymore.  I'm not there to be her scapegoat or guinea pig any longer.

The day I left her house never to return was the most scary, liberating and unsure day.  It took me years to grow used to not talking to her.  I felt endlessly needy of her approval and scared to set those healthy boundaries with her even five years in.  She tried for the first several years to contact me, but I gritted my teeth and ignored it, and it eventually tapered off.  Now she doesn't try to contact me for any reason.  This was the only way I could really heal and learn who I truly am as a person.  Not living under her shadow any longer. 

I discovered that I'm nice, outgoing, funny, expressive, attractive, ambitious and a whole list of other traits.  I now love my life.  The trajectory of my life doesn't coincide in any way with how hers has gone and I don't feel I have to fit into anyone's mold.  I also don't feel a shadow is cast on me, ever.

Her traits that I can see now very much fit the profile of a narcissist are: sexually promiscuous, alcoholic, grandiose sense of self, extreme highs and lows, unpredictability, excessively angry, hard time showing love and affection, her needs before her children, concerned with appearance (to the point of plastic surgery), puts on a good face for others and very concerned with status and money.  She still has no conscience concerning how her actions impact others, never apologized and always couldn't see outside her own rose colored glasses.

It took some real work to get over the hill of disassociating with the mother-daughter relationship, but I can honestly say that the journey down the other side is amazing.  I feel free, liberated and able to fully express myself.  I'm no longer depressed, very importantly.  I know my worth and set boundaries with people now.  Life is beautiful and can be very fulfilling if you can just get past the healing from having a terribly selfish, narcissistic mother.  There is light on the other side!  My emotional eating seems to come from missing that family tie that is so important.  It's weird, on one hand you feel great not being close with the narcissist and on the other hand you crave the family bond (however dysfunctional it was) because of the familiarity and comfort.  I'm craving comfort and safety.

To everyone out there, healing is possible and necessary.  If you have any similar stories of narcissistic mother syndrome or want to rant, I'd love to hear your stories.

Sending love and light,
cmm

[cmm]

Hi everyone,

I just want to take the opportunity to introduce myself and say that I'm glad this forum exists.  I'm an adult survivor of a narcissistic mother and my sister is also narcissistic (I came from a single-parent home with only one sibling, compounding the problem).  It took me almost 10 years to really get "outside the bubble" and be able to have some perspective on just how profoundly my mother's narcissism affected me and shaped who I became.  So, I wanted to rant for a sec on this forum because I've been noticing some feelings surface by way of emotional eating and need to express them out loud.  Also, if anyone has similar stories to tell, I'd love to connect and talk to you!

One really vivid memory of my mother's anger and overly controlling behavior came when I was all of eight years old.  I was hopping around on one of those pogo balls back in the 80's and fell into her brass and glass shelf, which stood five feet tall.  Two of the glass shelves broke on top of me and her reaction was fury.  Not concern for my health and whether I was ok, but extreme anger that her shelf was damaged.  I remember sitting there in tears from fear as she yelled at the top of her lungs over me for the longest time, just crying my eyes out.  To make matters worse, I was grounded and my toy was taken away.  This really affirmed for me (which took years to unravel) that I was not worthy.  So I became submissive, agreeable to a fault and an extreme people pleaser.  So much that I got severely depressed because my needs were deeply suppressed.

Another time at age 27 I disclosed to her that I had been sexually abused from ages 5-6 by the babysitter's 13-year-old son (sex was involved regularly).  Her reaction?  "I was sexually abused too... .by an uncle.  But I never told anyone until now."  Then she started to cry.  No hug for me.  No apology for not being there for me.  She just licked her own wounds.  I walked away because I just couldn't wrap my head around her reaction and I was also hurt because I expected her support.  That event really was the first to open my eyes to the true nature of our relationship.  It jolted me awake and caused me to look at our relationship honestly without the hope of a loving mother that I held onto for so long.

After a surgery when I was 26 I asked her to come and care for me during the most emergent 24 hours post-op.  Her response?  "I don't have time."  She eventually came but left early to go visit someone.

I remember always asking her to scratch my back as a child as an excuse to have what I thought was her undivided attention.  She was always too busy to pay 100% attention to me.  And when she did notice me, it was always on her terms.  Usually in the mornings before school and at the dinner table.  And during those times she was angry and usually yelling at me.  My cousins used to comment at how mean she was.  My biological father also said she was very mean (perspective -- I had none because of the brainwashing).

The only time she was really nice to me was when she was drunk.  Then it was just embarrassing because she was sloppy and wanted to hang all over me like I was a coat rack.  Again, her needs before mine.  She also smelled like alcohol, which I hated. 

I began to realize in my late 20's just before I stopped speaking to her that she resented me.  This showed up in the form of disdain and hate towards me.  I honestly can say that my own mother doesn't like me.  She claims to love me but it's her idea of love which is distorted to fit her strange reality.  Since I cut her out, I feel she has a hole in her life since I'm not in it anymore.  Not because she loves me dearly, but because she doesn't have anyone to pick on anymore.  I'm not there to be her scapegoat or guinea pig any longer.

The day I left her house never to return was the most scary, liberating and unsure day.  It took me years to grow used to not talking to her.  I felt endlessly needy of her approval and scared to set those healthy boundaries with her even five years in.  She tried for the first several years to contact me, but I gritted my teeth and ignored it, and it eventually tapered off.  Now she doesn't try to contact me for any reason.  This was the only way I could really heal and learn who I truly am as a person.  Not living under her shadow any longer. 

I discovered that I'm nice, outgoing, funny, expressive, attractive, ambitious and a whole list of other traits.  I now love my life.  The trajectory of my life doesn't coincide in any way with how hers has gone and I don't feel I have to fit into anyone's mold.  I also don't feel a shadow is cast on me, ever.

Her traits that I can see now very much fit the profile of a narcissist are: sexually promiscuous, alcoholic, grandiose sense of self, extreme highs and lows, unpredictability, excessively angry, hard time showing love and affection, her needs before her children, concerned with appearance (to the point of plastic surgery), puts on a good face for others and very concerned with status and money.  She still has no conscience concerning how her actions impact others, never apologized and always couldn't see outside her own rose colored glasses.

It took some real work to get over the hill of disassociating with the mother-daughter relationship, but I can honestly say that the journey down the other side is amazing.  I feel free, liberated and able to fully express myself.  I'm no longer depressed, very importantly.  I know my worth and set boundaries with people now.  Life is beautiful and can be very fulfilling if you can just get past the healing from having a terribly selfish, narcissistic mother.  There is light on the other side!  My emotional eating seems to come from missing that family tie that is so important.  It's weird, on one hand you feel great not being close with the narcissist and on the other hand you crave the family bond (however dysfunctional it was) because of the familiarity and comfort.  I'm craving comfort and safety.

To everyone out there, healing is possible and necessary.  If you have any similar stories of narcissistic mother syndrome or want to rant, I'd love to hear your stories.

Sending love and light,
cmm

[P.F.Change]

Hi, cmm, and

Thanks for making an introduction post. It's encouraging to read how you've found a sense of freedom and happiness. We use a healing model here on the boards, and you can see the Survivor's Guide in the right-hand column. In reading your story, I can see how you've been moving through the stages of Remembering, Mourning, and Healing. What do you think?

I am sad at the way your mother made your coming forward about the sexual abuse you endured about her own past. I want the little girl you were to feel heard and comforted and protected instead of being asked to hear and comfort the adult who was supposed to take care of her. It seems like you have found ways to take care of yourself, though, and that's important, too.

You said a lot of things that I can relate to. This one stands out:

She claims to love me but it's her idea of love which is distorted to fit her strange reality. 

I have come to realize the same thing about my father. It's my mother with Borderline PD, but his family is where all the NPD was. He might say "I love you" 10 times in 10 minutes. I've come to realize that even though he really believes he means that, the true underlying message is "I want you to make me feel loved." I feel thankful that God has placed people in my life who have shown me what real love is so that I can understand the difference. Even when they might disagree with me about my decisions, they respect my right to make them. They care about my feelings and don't manipulate me to get their way. I accept that my father is doing his best and probably doesn't know better. After all, he grew up surrounded by narcissism. Now he is married to someone with BPD. Maybe he hasn't ever experienced real love.

It's weird, on one hand you feel great not being close with the narcissist and on the other hand you crave the family bond (however dysfunctional it was) because of the familiarity and comfort.  I'm craving comfort and safety.

I think a lot of our members will relate to this, too. Most of the time, I feel confident and happy. "I see myself as a "thriver," as the Survivors Guide puts it. Even so, there's always a deep wound that never quite goes away, a sense of absence where the relationship with an Ideal Parent should be. I think that's true for all of us here, whether we have contact with our parents or not. I've had to learn to comfort myself and make choices that allow me to feel as safe as I can. I'm also grateful for those few whom I trust to help me feel comforted and safe when I need support from other people.

I can see the connection between your craving for comfort and safety now, and the unmet needs of your childhood, particularly as they relate to the sexual abuse. Have you found any ways to help yourself feel comforted and safe?  We're all about solutions here, and I'm guessing you've found a few.  We're glad you've joined us.

[cmm]

Hi P.F. Change,

Thank you for your reply and expressing the issues with your NPD and BPD parents.  I'm really sorry you had a double whammy with both parents having mental health issues.  You must've developed some ninja coping skills as a child.    I think we all on this board with challenging parents can agree on that you really do become quite strong as a result of having survived such a dangerous and disastrous childhood.  It's surprising that you came out as "normal" from two "not normal" parents.  It's always interesting how that happens (in my case too).  I certainly always felt like the most level-headed person between my NPD mother, alcoholic/irresponsible biological father and NPD sister, and truly felt like I was born to the wrong family for most of my life.  Did you ever feel like that?  And just curious, what specific coping skills did you use growing up to deal with your parents?

Two things you said really struck a chord with me:

I've come to realize that even though he really believes he means that, the true underlying message is "I want you to make me feel loved."

They care about my feelings and don't manipulate me to get their way.

It's true that your father doesn't do anything for your benefit, only for his.  He never experienced true, selfless and unconditional love before, you are right about that.  What he thinks is love is according to his distorted world, and very much based on conditions.  How did you come to realize this?  Was it a gradual unveiling that you slowly pieced together over time?  Do you still talk to him?

Your quote about manipulation couldn't be more true and is a word that really fits NPD behavior perfectly.  They truly believe they love you but really manipulate you in order to love themselves.  Not sure if you're in this space, but do you think that once you're over the "hump" of being able to see NPD behavior for what it really is (and not the love you once thought), that it's easier to spot that behavior in others and steer clear of it?  That has been the case in my life for sure, and I don't attract NPD people any longer.  Kind of like your father marrying another NPD -- that energy attracts similar energy and if you're engaging with an NPD you open that door to bring more in. 

Even so, there's always a deep wound that never quite goes away, a sense of absence where the relationship with an Ideal Parent should be.

I'm really really happy for you that you are a "thriver" now.  It certainly takes climbing mountains to get there, as you can surely attest to.  Having others who love and accept you without judgment is so key to health and living a full life.  The deep void where a parent should be never goes away, which we can completely relate to.  But you're right, you have to replace it with the people you should have had.  It's kind of like the saying, "It's better to be single than in a broken relationship."  No parent is better than a toxic parent.  It's forums like this that also close another inch in the gap, with people to talk to and relate to who have that same need to fill.  I've personally found too that looking at other women who are amazing moms, such as Michelle Obama, my grandma, some of my extended family and other public figures, really helps too.

Thank you so much for showing concern for my little 5-year-old self's comfort and well-being.  That comfort really made me feel warm and cared for.  It's a process, you know?  Healing is a continuum, not a destination.  With everything -- NPD, BPD, abuse, etc.  You can't really say there's a finish line, but slow work and dedication to your healing over time helps close the wound.  I love and care for the little girl in me, and really am her biggest cheerleader.  We talk sometimes and I give her hugs and lots of love.  One thing that has really helped in healing has been looking at other 5-year-old kids and putting myself in that small little body, imagining myself so innocent and full of wonder.  It has helped lift the shame and stigma of sexual abuse so much, seeing how other innocent children would never be able to control the situation either.  The other thing that has helped immensely in healing has been redefining my self image based on healthy standards set by the healthy people in my life.  They have allowed me to not polarize and see myself as "good" or "bad" but as a good human who is imperfect.  I can't tell you how much this has helped in healing. 

About finding comfort and safety, there are a few solutions that have helped immensely.  My sweet and loving grandma, who has been a constant in my life since birth, really has kept things on a level plane for almost 40 years.  I have had an amazing "dad" for the past nine years who is a strong constant and role model, and really supports me in every way.  He really is the best there is, God brought me an amazing person.  Also, there is extended family that I met through my grandma who is really awesome.  They are very loving and have invited me to their events and into their family (I live across the country from my grandma and all the toxic family, the extended family lives nearby).  Other than that, I can say that finding love, peace and happiness within has been the biggest source of inner comfort.   

Thank you for your warm welcome, it has been really nice reading your story and relating to you on this special level that is so sensitive.  I send you lots of love, comfort, compassion, healing and happiness on this journey.  And thank you for all your feedback, it feels great to receive that.   

cmm

[Pilpel]

cmm... .My jaw dropped when you wrote about the molestation conversation with your mom.   That sort of putting their sense of victimhood at the #1 spot seems pretty typical.  But it's still shocking that she couldn't figure out something sympathetic to say.  Like a simple "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry that happened."  

I felt endlessly needy of her approval and scared to set those healthy boundaries with her even five years in.  

This part really struck me.  I've had various relationships over the years where I felt like they started out with unhealthy boundaries.  And I knew something needed to change, but I couldn't figure out how to make it change.   With my brother (who might be Aspergers) I had a very difficult time with him.  Every time I saw him, he seemed to always zero in to talking about his own narrow interests.  And by the end of the visit, he was planning on how he could put me to work on the things he was interested in, even when I told him over and over that I didn't want to.  It was like he saw me as an extension of himself. He finally listened to me when I spoke out against how he was treating another sibling, and he stopped speaking to me for 2 years -until I got married.  Even though he was the one who initiated NC with me, I feel like those two years of NC were the best thing for our relationship.  I realized when I saw him at family holidays and he would not talk to me that it was the first time I felt really respected by him, the first time I was with him that I felt relaxed.  

Your story is inspirational.  I'm so glad to hear that after separating yourself from the dysfunction of your childhood that you've discovered good things in your life and in yourself!  I hope you can find that sense of family that you feel a lack. 

[cmm]

Hi Pilpel,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  Your support really means a lot.  I can sympathize on so many levels with what you were going through during your struggle to set boundaries.  Did you grow up with parents who breached your boundaries or disrespected you in some way?  Just from personal experience, that's where it seems the unhealthy boundaries begin.

What you felt by having NC with your brother actually sounds like the best thing, TBH.  I mean, when someone is so draining and literally sucks all the energy out of you it is best to keep your distance, family or not.  What you were feeling was self love by him not being there, which is how you should always feel.  He sounds like he feeds off of your attention and energy, like a leech.  Was he like that growing up?  I hope you are able to preserve some sense of healthy self if you are still in contact with him, and keep those boundaries firmly erected.  If you are in NC with him, even better and I hope you always are able to feel the respect you deserve.  Sending you lots of love and comfort.  Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it. 

I totally feel the same way you do about the molestation conversation!  Typical behavior of a narcissist.  Never a dull moment. 

Thank you... .I am working to feel that sense of family one brick at a time.  It will take some time to build around it because I just realized after clearing through all the NPD trauma that there's a hole there.  It will take time but definitely doable.  Also, I'm not married but when I do take that step, it will help a great deal.

Love and light,
cmm

[Pilpel]

Did you grow up with parents who breached your boundaries or disrespected you in some way?  Just from personal experience, that's where it seems the unhealthy boundaries begin.

My parents weren't fools, but they didn't have the best boundaries themselves.  My dad was very introverted and tended to just quietly forgive and "turn the other cheek" when his boundaries were crossed.  Like I said, he wasn't a fool.  But there were a few people he remained friends with who had a history of taking advantage.  My mom also had a hard time with boundaries.  And I think rather than take responsibility for her part in allowing people to take advantage of her, she tended to revel in her role of martyr and rescuer.  Even now, when my brother's n/BPD wife crosses my mom's boundaries and mistreats her, I know my mom feels deeply hurt, but she will turn her attention on feeling sorry for my brother or convincing herself that she's doing something so helpful and needful for my brother and his wife by not standing up for herself.

Growing up, I also didn't get a lot of validation from either of my parents.  Any lengthy conversations with either of them inevitably led to them going on several hour monologues  --my dad's monologues would be about theology, my mom's would be reliving her painful past.  Even though my (possibly) Aspergers brother also felt invalidated by my parents, he's come to realize that he has some similarities.   And I recall a few times when my mom would cross my boundaries in ways like  - asking me to tell her things that were on my mind and then turning around and telling the neighbor everything I said.  Or we'd go to the mall, and she never honored the time we agreed to meet and she'd make us all wait for hours.  She had the attitude that she was the mom and so she had the right to break my trust or dishonor promises.  She occasionally apologized, but it never meant anything.  And she tended to get fixated on ideas that I thought were completely illogical and unintuitive.  I live close to her now, and in the past few years she's been losing her sight and hearing.  But the funny thing is that I realize that my whole life she's never seen me as I am or really been able to listen to me.  Kind of like my BPD SIL, she doesn't fully live in the world as it is, but interprets the world and people as she thinks they should fit in her narrative.  So losing sight and hearing hasn't made much of an impact on our relationship. 

My relationship with my Aspergers brother has been better.  (This is NOT the same brother as the one who married a N/BPD, BTW.)  But I think what really made the difference is that he started talking to me again when I got married.  He might have slipped into old boundary crossing habits, but marriage and kids became a sort of different boundary that he respected. 

cmm, I wish you the best in finding your own family. Aside from  my parent's quirks and them providing me a childhood that I wouldn't ever care to relive, they have a lot of really good qualities too.  But I never wanted a marriage like theirs.  Even though I made a lot of dating mistakes in my 20s, I ended up marrying someone who is my best friend and who I can be myself around.  I feel like I have the sort of marriage I always wanted.  I hope you find that, too! 

[cmm]

Thank you, Pilpel.  I do have some family but it just doesn't feel complete.  I've waited a while to get married and am in my late-30's so the person I do marry will be right for me.  The fact that you found someone right for you makes all the difference.  Congratulations on that major success.  Can you imaging having a dysfunctional family AND dysfunctional marriage?  No two marriages are the same and they work differently for everyone.  But, I can totally relate to your fears of not wanting to have a marriage like your parents' marriage.  My fears were that I didn't want to end up in divorce like mine and have a horrible, volatile divorce relationship like they had.  But, my "dad" has been married for 35 years and has really set the standard that a marriage should have the basics -- communication, respect, friendship and liking one another.  And I believe there is someone out there for everyone.

Growing up, I also didn't get a lot of validation from either of my parents.  Any lengthy conversations with either of them inevitably led to them going on several hour monologues  --my dad's monologues would be about theology, my mom's would be reliving her painful past.

I'm sorry you had to endure this.  How unheard you must've felt.  Your parents didn't do a great job of setting examples of how to set boundaries either.  It must've been confusing, because children are smart and when something doesn't seem right they wonder (I know I did).  You must've had an intuition that something wasn't quite right.  I see now the connect between unhealthy boundaries and seeking validation from your brother by way of listening to him when you didn't want to.  This particularly disturbed me:

And I recall a few times when my mom would cross my boundaries in ways like  - asking me to tell her things that were on my mind and then turning around and telling the neighbor everything I said.

How violated you must've felt, I'm so sorry.  That's so disrespectful.  It sounds like she took the stance that since she was the mom that she had more "rights" than you by breaking your trust and dishonoring promises.  Is that accurate?  Children absolutely have dignity and rights, and must be respected.  I'm sorry you were mistreated in these ways, you deserved to have your promises kept, trust valued and not treated like any less than the beautiful person you were.  I think this is very ironic too, almost like a full circle moment:

But the funny thing is that I realize that my whole life she's never seen me as I am or really been able to listen to me... .So losing sight and hearing hasn't made much of an impact on our relationship.

Your mother seeing people as they fit into her narrative is something I can definitely relate to as well.  It's really frustrating to want a healthy relationship with the one person you should model yourself after, but feel they don't really see you.  It's like they see over you or just see what they want to see, which isn't the "whole" you and all your beautiful qualities.  And you can't make them see you no matter how hard you try.  But, it sounds like you have a handle on the relationship and know what to expect.  As long as you can do that, I think you're good to go.  It's when you have expectations of a loving mother and get disappointed that problems begin.  But none the less, you deserved and still deserve a loving, accepting, respectful mother who sees you as who you are and not who she chooses to see.

Sending you lots of love and healing.  I hope you're able to find comfort in your nuclear family that you have more control over and make peace with your childhood.  As hard as it is to accept (I'm still struggling with this too), our parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  Not an excuse, but a helpful tool in forgiveness for ourselves to lift the burden.  Which sets us free.  And certainly not a license to accept more mistreatment.  Someone once said that knowing your parents' childhoods and how they came to be who they are can really lift the weight.  That can really be powerful in understanding who they are and they came to be, which lightens our load.  Working on this myself, still have a lot of progress to make!

Sending you love and kindness,
cmm

[P.F.Change]

Hi, cmm, Thanks for sharing what's worked for you, and for your questions.

I certainly always felt like the most level-headed person between my NPD mother, alcoholic/irresponsible biological father and NPD sister, and truly felt like I was born to the wrong family for most of my life.  Did you ever feel like that?  And just curious, what specific coping skills did you use growing up to deal with your parents?

Well, I guess someone has to be the adult. I think I intuited from an early age that I would have to learn how to do that on my own. Still, I didn't realize I was in that role at the time. It's strange. I joke that when I turn 40, I'll finally be as old as I was when I was born.

As a child, I did find ways to cope: I retreated often into fantasy, imagining someone (usually a boy) who would love me or whom I could magically teach how to love (e.g., emotion-less tv characters); I relied heavily on my faith and my participation in church; I looked for ways to comfort myself physically (which included food); I idealized my father in order to believe one parent was good; I took advantage of opportunities to spend time with friends and their families. As I got older, I also learned I could be desirable. I used that to seek comfort and security. I stashed money and planned places I could run away that my parents might not look to find me. I also found myself dissociating more and more. The things that helped me as a child, while they served their purpose at the time, are not always the most beneficial choice now. In adulthood, I have learned other skills that help me achieve a better balance.

What he thinks is love is according to his distorted world, and very much based on conditions.  How did you come to realize this?  Was it a gradual unveiling that you slowly pieced together over time?  Do you still talk to him?

I speak to my father once every 3-6 months or so. It's a very surface-level relationship, which is what I need it to be. I think I began to realize his love was conditional long ago, but about the time I was healing in another relationship, I also started to really notice the contrast. My friend loves me with real, patient, unconditional love--the kind that genuinely cares about who I am, my well-being and happiness--and was showing that love to me at a time when my father behaved more manipulatively and aggressively than I had ever seen him treat me before. He was insistent that I give him his way because he "loves" me. Those two experiences juxtaposed in a manner that really solidified my understanding of things.

I'm glad to have you here, and will look forward to knowing you more when I'm able to come around.