Splitting revisited

[jcarter4856]

Hello. I've been reading here on and off for a few years since that lightbulb moment most of you probably had the first time the right Google search turned up an article on BPD. Anyway, things are much improved with my uBPDw, partly thanks to my increased enlightenment, self-awareness and education, in no small part due to this site.

One aspect I still find confusing however is splitting, and I wondered if anyone had thoughts on this:

I can see (very clearly!) that the pwBPD's brain perceives the non, SO, or other target as essentially two entities (good husband and bad husband), where a typical person would perceive one entity (kind of ok husband).

In the pwBPD's brain only one of the good/bad "database records" can be loaded at one time.

This explains the capacity for extreme rage and devaluation at some seemingly trivial transgression -- Thinking about an example of rage for a non: If I had a person in my life I hated (idiot neighbor, for example) and say that person parked their car in front of my garage one day, and I'd had a bad day at the office, then I can just about imagine confronting that person in extreme rage, telling them how much of an incompetent insensitive idiot they are, much like the BPD rage episode.

Here's my confusion though: in the neighbor example, next day when I've calmed down, I may not want to rage about him but I for sure will remember that I did so. I'd remember every word and just how I felt and I'd be able to justify my words and feelings, still. I always hated him. He is never my best beer drinking buddy, ever. There's only ever one version of my neighbor, and just different levels of frustration and anger present in me regarding his behavior.

What's happening in the equivalent BPD case? Say my wife rages at me because I left the cap off the toothpaste tube. Tells me I'm a complete idiot with no regard for her feelings, worthless husband, always doing the wrong thing, etc etc.

Next day I'm "perfect husband" again. Did she forget what she said the day before? Does she remember fine but just not want to accept what she said? I always wonder at this because I can't imagine how I would reconcile treating another person in two completely different ways, with two different sets of perceived qualities and desirability, hours apart. Seems very odd. Are there two independent sets of memories that get swapped in depending on the person good/bad state at the time? Does this mean during rage episodes she remembers ALL the bad things she thinks I've done, ever, and conversely during a good phase does she just not remember ANY of the bad things she thinks I've ever done?

Back before I was aware of BPD, I would after the fury had dissipated, ask DW about the things she had said when angry. She would always either not appear to remember, or dismiss it as just something said in the heat of the moment. Also in moments of longer term reflection, talking about our relationship, she would never seem to acknowledge the series of very similar recurrent rage episodes, like to her they never happened.

Over the years I have learned to control my feelings and make myself essentially immune to the rage, but I always wonder at how it works inside her brain and how she can flip back and forth and what memories are present for her at which times.

Hope this all makes some sense.

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[Jack_50]

Jcarter,

You're trying to find logic behind emotions.  Emotions are not based on logic.

Emotional people have an emotional memory, and specific situations may trigger certain emotions from the past, and restore the emotion of that moment.  If she was angry last time you forgot to close the toothpaste tube, she will be angry again next time when something reminds her of that (eg a toothpaste commercial).
For you it is impossible to find any logic behind her behavior, exactly because you do not know what is stored in her memory under which emotion.
Trying to understand will only lead to your exhaustion.

I resorted to focusing on creating happiness in the family, and ignoring her behavior.  Also, finding something unrelated to switch context to seems to help to divert her attention elsewhere. I found that this works pretty well as long as I stay calm and disconnected from her context. She often follows me when I do not bite her bait.  

And raging against a calm person usually does not last long.  Important is to mentally stay in your frame, not hers.
Plus every time when the rage has been expressed, she becomes a totally different person. Like the pressure has been relieved from the kettle, and she can breathe again. If she does not let me divert, I just hold out patiently until the rage subsides.

Hope it helps,

Jack

[livednlearned]

There's a really good explanation of how splitting works as part of emotional and psychological development in Masterson's book In Search of the Real Self.

He explains splitting as a phase we all go through on our way to developing a healthy real self. Splitting recedes as the real self emerges and we successfully deal with the vulnerability of separation stress during early development.

When splitting persists as a principal defense, it's a sign that the real self has not emerged, and it's the real self that holds together the image of good and bad other/self in one combined unit, like you mention.

Meaning, without the real self fully activated, there isn't an entity that binds good husband/good self and bad husband/bad self feeling states together. The feeling states are kept apart so that (or because) they do not influence one another. They are fragments, and experienced that way, as though they aren't connected.

You (good or bad husband) are emotionally linked to her (good or bad self), when she's in those feeling states.

Not having a strong real self or being stuck with splitting as a primary way to make sense of others and self, means struggling with object constancy, so that she likely relates to to herself (and others) as parts or fragments.

I think when they are in a rage, they remember all the feelings of rage they have ever felt when they feel the extreme sadness or rage at being separate from a loved one, but it's the feeling that connects those memories, not the events themselves. These feelings are never really processed and overcome because there is no strong sense of real self to manage the intense vulnerability of separation stress.

I don't know about the forgetting. I think there is a varying degree of awareness about the feeling state, but there are other defensive moves like projecting and denial that bounce out any unpleasant memories, especially if they present further threats to the weak self.
 
There is more on Splitting here.

[jcarter4856]

Thank you. Very enlightening responses and references. Although I have read a great deal of the literature I hadn't come across Masterson before. Some bedtime reading !

[Artemis_bpd]

I'm quite familiar with splitting having been the subject of being painted white, then, black, then white all over again by my high functioning uBPDbf. Its's a cycle. And I totally agree with what's been written here based on actual experience. It's all about their emotions which are pretty intense. And yeah, when I was painted black last month, and I read about splitting, I detached myself, I let the triggered emotions die down. And yes, I didn't even know what I did. It took a month! I just stayed away, not complete NC, but dropped some positive notes daily,so it wouldn't be like I was abandoning him.

Last holidays, when we reconciled, I was painted white all over again, we were happy. And yes, he has completely forgotten how much he disliked me then. As if nothing negative happened, including all the accusations he threw at me. But I am careful and I still walk on eggshells because his intense emotions can get triggered into another emotional storm by things I don't even know why, emotions that he can't control no matter how intelligent he is and successful in his career, when it comes to emotions, he is a needy troubled child afraid of abandonment.

 It helps to know it is not all about us the Nons, but it was something from their past. Unfortunately, I am a trigger because I elicit in him these intense emotions, all or nothing, you are either white or black... .They can't seem to have any picture of us in between. I've accepted that, walking on eggshells is a sad life and it is still a state I am struggling in, I guess like all of us with Rs With BPDps.

[Stolen]

Back before I was aware of BPD, I would after the fury had dissipated, ask DW about the things she had said when angry. She would always either not appear to remember, or dismiss it as just something said in the heat of the moment. Also in moments of longer term reflection, talking about our relationship, she would never seem to acknowledge the series of very similar recurrent rage episodes, like to her they never happened.


Hope this all makes some sense.

I had this exact same experience for years. Many years.  The incidences of dysphoric rage were intense - the kind of intensity that a "normal" person would never forget. But, when they were over, for her they were over and never happened. There was no way to get her to engage and discuss. They were shelved away somewhere.

Interesting - her FOO had/has many members with BPD traits. Her uncle, another rager, once went on a rambling discourse where he talked about the many "boxes" in his head, where he navigated through the day to make life bearable. 

I think this is the compartmentalizing I have read so much about, and what we see when they can be full rage, and then answer the phone with a sweet "hello".

[FallBack!Monster]

JC,
I'm replying here without reading other responses bc I want to focus on the OP and not be influenced. I hope to make some sense.
A few months ago I would have said differently and probably most of it negative and unhealthy. However it isn't that I've forgotten my past "emotional state"; no! I've chosen not to live there anymore. Much like what you speak of.

A few days ago I had a conversation with a woma whom I don't know very well. Amongst other issues she mentioned how she hated when her H and she would have disagreements, and within a few minutes he could act as if nothing and try to change the the ambiance and talk about something else but she would still be stuck dwelling and wanting to further discuss it. It frustrates her. .  I put myself in that situation and said to her... .Maybe he believes that if he changes the subject something positive can come from it. Who knows. Maybe he just doesn't want to fight a losing battle.  Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal to him as it was for her, and didn't see a need to keep going on and on about it.  However when other similar things happen it brings that memory back. it is revisited and included showing it was never forgotten.
But that's not the nature of a disordered person only. That's human nature. However if it's true that people with BPD feel emotions 10 times more intensely, then I can better understand the constant splitting. I don't agree with any of it but I can see it.
One more thing.  She says there's no doubt in her he loves her and to me could be another reason why he doesn't stay angry at his wife very long. Bc some times it just doesn't matter who's right and who is wrong.
I'd like to further add,  I'm no pro at this. No formal psych experience or education.  I still question a lot about my ex r/s but I can offer my perspective and talk about personal experiences and only hope it helps.

[ElinorD]

I would love to know how much my uBPDh remembers from times when I was the enemy, and how much he can remember about our relationship when he's calm that he can't access when he's intensely upset.

For example, when he was splitting once this past year, enraged at me and illogical in his thinking, he said he didn't remember what the resolution was to a very significant conflict we'd had 2 years ago. I was so astonished that he couldn't remember that I did some research that led me to BPD.

I'd love to know if he can access that memory when he's calm and seeing me positively. But I'm afraid to wake up Mr. Hyde if I ask.

[slcguy]

Jack_50 said " If she does not let me divert, I just hold out patiently until the rage subsides."   Is that healthy?  I have been doing that too, but it takes a toll.  I just can't take it anymore.  Trying to set a boundary that I will not listen to raging.  Has more or less worked.  Been almost two weeks.

[Jack_50]

Jack_50 said " If she does not let me divert, I just hold out patiently until the rage subsides."   Is that healthy?  I have been doing that too, but it takes a toll.  I just can't take it anymore.  Trying to set a boundary that I will not listen to raging.  Has more or less worked.  Been almost two weeks.

Slowly coming to the same conclusion, and I do have a lot if resentment built up.
I should work on setting boundaries more often.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

If we're to consider that the roots of BPD are often establised by genetics and experiences in infancy, I think that splitting can be linked to Piaget's cognitive development theory. Well worth looking up.

"He described how - as a child gets older - his or her schemas ['building blocks of information,' essentially a schema is the way we define things] become more numerous and elaborate.

Piaget believed that newborn babies have a small number of innate schemas - even before they have had much opportunity to experience the world. These neonatal schemas are the cognitive structures underlying innate reflexes. These reflexes are genetically programmed into us.

For example, babies have a sucking reflex, which is triggered by something touching the baby's lips. A baby will suck a nipple, a comforter (dummy), or a person's finger. Piaget therefore assumed that the baby has a 'sucking schema'."

"Jean Piaget (1952; see also Wadsworth, 2004) viewed intellectual growth as a process of adaptation (adjustment) to the world. This happens through:

Assimilation
– Which is using an existing schema to deal with a new object or situation.

Accommodation
– This happens when the existing schema (knowledge) does not work, and needs to be changed to deal with a new object or situation.

Equilibration
    – This is the force which moves development along. Piaget believed that cognitive development did not progress at a steady rate, but rather in leaps and bounds.

Equilibrium occurs when a child's schemas can deal with most new information through assimilation. However, an unpleasant state of disequilibrium occurs when new information cannot be fitted into existing schemas (assimilation).

Equilibration is the force which drives the learning process as we do not like to be frustrated and will seek to restore balance by mastering the new challenge (accommodation). Once the new information is acquired the process of assimilation with the new schema will continue until the next time we need to make an adjustment to it."

I'd presume that a person with BPD is less likely to experience circumstancial accommodation in the same way as a non. Upon experiencing disequilibrium, they will instead move to a different aspect of assimilation, applying a different schema out of the small set they possess rather than adapting their existing 'scripts' and creating new schemas for more complex circumstances. As the 'non' deals with disequilibrium by instead accommodating, the person with BPD gets away with the bizarre twist or uncompromising behaviour. Hence the lack of nuance within love and hate.

I'm fairly certain that another aspect of CDT is widely thought to be an element of BPD - establishment of object permanence. 'Knowing that an object still exists, even if it is hidden.'

This is something that's (probably) developed at around 5 months, and I think I'm right in saying that development can be distorted by emotional neglect, e.g having an inconsistent parental figure.

This distortion is supposedly where fear of abandonment (and when combined with schemas, the ability to split) would come from. Say you're not in contact when your partner feels insecure, it almost induces a state of PTSD where the pwBPD recalls the feelings of neglect and not getting their primary needs met during infancy. You no longer exist as a caretaker, so they panic, feeling that their survival is in jeopardy. I believe that's the hypothesis.

Hope this is the kind of thing you were looking for!