Why do they smear?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Found out from friends more tonight.

Apparently I was smeared horribly into thinking I was stalker.
One thing that was especially surprising was that when I left the group for a while to clear my head when she allowed her new boyfriend in. She said she was relieved due to not being "stalked"... .
He said that she said that in the most convincing tone.


What the heck
Are you kidding me?

We had less communication as friends than we ever did. Yet I was stalking?
I wanted just something stable so I went for friendship. Yet I was being pushy?


what the heck man.


Makes me sick.
How can someone who supposedly loved me do that?

[ShadowA]

Found out from friends more tonight.

Apparently I was smeared horribly into thinking I was stalker.
One thing that was especially surprising was that when I left the group for a while to clear my head when she allowed her new boyfriend in. She said she was relieved due to not being "stalked"... .
He said that she said that in the most convincing tone.


What the heck
Are you kidding me?

We had less communication as friends than we ever did. Yet I was stalking?
I wanted just something stable so I went for friendship. Yet I was being pushy?


what the heck man.


Makes me sick.
How can someone who supposedly loved me do that?

[ShadowA]

I truly dislike Borderline personality disorder.

Sure they are fragile creatures with a lot of pain.

But dang, the venom they put into the point where you go crazy.

Can't they just go onto another relationship/ leave one simply without releasing venom?
Why does the ex boyfriend always have to be some stalker dude or one with issues.
Can't you just leave normally? Jeez.

[Cantthinkofaname]

Well we do not know what your r/s was like or how it ended.

But what I know mostly about such things as smearing/bad mouthing, etc., is that it's a form of either revenge (probably more common) for something (no matter if it actually happened or not) or to protect themselves in the sense of: If you bad talk someone to a group of mutual friends first, they'll be on your side and you can't be bad mouthed by the other person (no idea how often that is the case though in comparsion).

She may have split you black since your relationship failed and wants "revenge" for that.

[Aesir]

Found out from friends more tonight.

Apparently I was smeared horribly into thinking I was stalker.
One thing that was especially surprising was that when I left the group for a while to clear my head when she allowed her new boyfriend in. She said she was relieved due to not being "stalked"... .
He said that she said that in the most convincing tone.


What the heck
Are you kidding me?

We had less communication as friends than we ever did. Yet I was stalking?
I wanted just something stable so I went for friendship. Yet I was being pushy?


what the heck man.


Makes me sick.
How can someone who supposedly loved me do that?

I think it's because of a victim mentality. She can't take responsibility for her actions in the relationship and she  wants to convince everyone around her that you are to blame for everything. Projection and  no responsibility. It's a classic. As for love?  I've said the same thing. How could anyone that supposedly loves you treat you like that? From my experiences my borderline ex did not love and accept herself so it made it very hard to really love anyone. There may have been a vague fondness but not love.

[ItsVal]

I can totally relate to the OP.

I am being accused of stalking, harrassing, tracking and hacking to name a few. She has a pretty good knowledge of my abilities, and that combined with what I setup for her during our relationship (emailaccounts on my servers, transferred domain names to my company, repaired her bricked iPhone, setup her laptops, made her a personal website, helped her investigate hacking attempts on her corporate domain, etc.) and is now using it all against me. She knows that I was the administrator of all the systems, so she knows that if I wanted too I could have accessed her mail accounts. However, I never had other information like her iCloud password and the like so when she's claiming I hacked and tracked her iPhone that is utter BS.

Unfortunately some (well most actually) of our mutual personal and business relations are believing what she's claiming and supporting with some total random stories and made up evidence.

She even claims she's suing me for it although I haven't had any official documents or whatsoever about it. Combine that with her checking up on me, knowing when I'm home or not, imo she's putting whatever she's doing on me ... .

[FallenOne]

It's no different than children gossiping about someone in elementary school to ruin their reputation... These people are like children. They deal with and react to things the way a little spoiled brat would deal with and react to things. When you tell yourself that that they are more like children than adults, it all makes more sense.

[schwing]

Hi ShadowA,

My understanding of this disorder is that people with BPD (pwBPD) mount distortion campaigns partly because of their "splitting" behavior -- that is, their tendency to paint people all "black" or all "white" (aka black and white thinking).

Also when it comes to relationships of an intimate and familial nature, their disordered thinking is particularly triggered.  So in a sense, the closer you have been with them (or the more time you spend with them), the bigger the swings between "black" and "white."

One line of thought is that pwBPD are suffering from a specialized kind of PTSD -- maybe they have experienced some kind of trauma at a young age, and this trauma has distorted their ability to form healthy attachments with other people. We don't really notice this while we are painted "white"... .it's when things get "black" that we pay attention.

Moreover, it is when they are in these closer/intimate relationships that perhaps they "recall" their initial trauma. So in a way, the venom they have for us is not about us, but about whomever caused them their initial trauma.  Sadly, until they get a handle of these disordered feelings, *everyone* who gets too close to them will trigger their disordered feelings and may eventually be painted "black."

Hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Pretty Woman]

Once a BPD has a replacement they literally believe all the lies they make up and the more they tell others (smear) the more they reinforce that inside themselves.

I read somewhere something a Dr. who studied BPD wrote. I wish I could quote the source. Anyways this Dr. mentioned that when a BPD meets a new person, say a Packers Fan, she tends to take on that team as her team too (mirroring) and she actually believes they are the BEST team at that moment, that no team is better. They truly believe what they mirror and that's how we get so sucked in. We think this person loves the same things we do, just as much... .and she DOES... .until she finds something else to mirror (usually our replacement).

This is also how BPD's get screwed... .when they mirror someone who is a drug addict or has equal or worse issues. They mirror this and it only compounds their disorder. This is where you hear of these people winding up in prison or dead.

As hard as it is you have to depersonalize it. It' s harder than H E L L because your reputation is being slandered and YES some people will believe her words, but you have to realize this is 100% in her make up and you cannot change it. If you approach her at this stage you ARE a threat in her mind and a candidate for a restraining order.

It hurts but you have to walk away and ignore, ignore, ignore. Trust me, people worth your time won't believe a word she says and many who do will eventually get burned by her and you will hear from them again down the line. People also have to not try to "rescue" their ex when they see them end up with a drug addict/criminal, etc. This is now about YOU. She is a survivor and has been doing this her whole life. It is not your place to keep playing rescuer to someone who abandoned you. The only person any of us should be rescuing is ourselves.

 

[WishIKnew82]

I am always very cautious in replying about these things since we don't know the whole story. If you would hear my ex talking about me on a forum like this you would think I was Stalin, Mao and Hitler combined.
But I will talk in a general sence. They need to feel like you are being erratic. They need to feel others acknowledgement of your 'bad' behaviour. They just need that validation to silence their inner pain. And I truly despise BPD too. I can't believe I let myself go so far into it as it almost destroying my reputation. The good news is that they can't make people see you through their eyes. So they can talk all they want. When people meet you and relate to you they will surely draw their own conclusions.
It just sucks. I really understand.

[ACObound]

  It think WishIKnew82 may have hit it dead spot on.   Oh the years of threats to my professional career... .never happened... .but the toll I let it take on me I'm still not over.  The whole forgiving yourself does not come easy... . 

[enlighten me]

Theres never a single reason. Its normally a mix of things.

It could be that they've told the replacement things to gain sympathy. It could be to justify the breakup as they know the real reason was so trivial that others wouldn't get it. It could be projection. Or it could be a mixture of them all and a few more.

Some of the things Ive been accused of are ludicrous. If my ex wife had said Ive split up with EM because I was bored or I wanted someone new then people would have laughed at her. But if she tells people that I was controlling and abusive then she gains sympathy and people see it as a valid reason.

[Kaster21]

Once a BPD has a replacement they literally believe all the lies they make up and the more they tell others (smear) the more they reinforce that inside themselves.

I read somewhere something a Dr. who studied BPD wrote. I wish I could quote the source. Anyways this Dr. mentioned that when a BPD meets a new person, say a Packers Fan, she tends to take on that team as her team too (mirroring) and she actually believes they are the BEST team at that moment, that no team is better. They truly believe what they mirror and that's how we get so sucked in. We think this person loves the same things we do, just as much... .and she DOES... .until she finds something else to mirror (usually our replacement).

This is also how BPD's get screwed... .when they mirror someone who is a drug addict or has equal or worse issues. They mirror this and it only compounds their disorder. This is where you hear of these people winding up in prison or dead.

As hard as it is you have to depersonalize it. It' s harder than H E L L because your reputation is being slandered and YES some people will believe her words, but you have to realize this is 100% in her make up and you cannot change it. If you approach her at this stage you ARE a threat in her mind and a candidate for a restraining order.

It hurts but you have to walk away and ignore, ignore, ignore. Trust me, people worth your time won't believe a word she says and many who do will eventually get burned by her and you will hear from them again down the line. People also have to not try to "rescue" their ex when they see them end up with a drug addict/criminal, etc. This is now about YOU. She is a survivor and has been doing this her whole life. It is not your place to keep playing rescuer to someone who abandoned you. The only person any of us should be rescuing is ourselves.

 

I have to say you are dead on! Couldn't have said better! 95% of the time these people never change. It's world war 3 trying to get them in therapy without turning the T against you just to make you look more like a jackass! Ugh this disorder blows!

[infjEpic]

Some of the main reasons include:
1) To shame & Isolate the victim of their abuse
2) Blame Shifting & Denial
3) To provoke reactions (crazy making behaviour)
4) Cluster B disordered people have narcissistic traits & Narcissists 'get off' on 'getting away with it'

In the case of BPDs specifically, it can also be a ploy designed to recycle the victim and alleviate the abuser's fear of abandonment, in which case any type of a reaction will be satisfying to them.

The one thing they cannot bear, is when their former victim has become empowered enough to simply ignore them.
Then - the thing they fear most has come to pass. They have been abandoned. This is hell to a BPD abuser.

Or you can take it a step further, and portray (fake if necessary) an image of a very happy and successful life - which is excruciating for them.

[apollotech]

Smearing creates a drama triangle so the pwBPD can garner sympathy and attention---and avoid responsibility. It allows the pwBPD to play the victim, the ex to be the persecutor (thereby responsible for all wrongdoing), and it allows the new SO to play the dutiful role of rescuer. My ex runs it often, especially on Fake Book. If there is no SO available at the time, God is often cast as the rescuer, which garners sympathy from the religious zealots (mob mentality).