Feeling crazy

[Burtvert]

I need help with this relationship.  I don't know if I should just walk away and cut all ties.  We no longer live together as of 7 months ago, but he wants to keep a sexual relationship after we just ended the relationship a few days ago.  This relationship is so complicated... .I don't know if I can trust him, yet it always turns into him wanting the relationship back as we have gone through this many times before. I feel like I'm going in circles.  Is he manipulating me?   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Yeah, relationships with someone presenting traits of a disorder are very confusing. I'm very sorry that you are having to go through the chaos.

I'm sorry, I can't say whether or not he's manipulating you, but maybe we can help ensure that he doesn't in the future. The best way to go about that is by defining and maintaining BOUNDARIES.

Why do you think that he has BPD? If you can tell us more about the history of your relationship and what lead to no longer living together and the recent split, maybe we can better help.

Have you decided to commit to trying to save the relationship, or are you still unsure?

[drained1996]

  Burtvert,

I'd like to join Meili in welcoming you to our site, though I'm sorry to hear about the difficult circumstances that bring you here.  As Meili pointed to boundaries, I'll second that motion, they are an inherent part of self awareness in many types of relationships.  Did you face specific issues on a common basis that made you think to search for BPD?
You've found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Keep posting.  We are here.   

[Burtvert]

I believe he has BPD because of:
When the relationship first began it was intense, he came on pretty strong, that he felt this is it, that he knew from the moment he met me, he wanted to build a life with me etc etc. 
In the first week of dating I called him and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee as I was in his town.  I went to pick him up, he got in the car and started going off about his ex calling in the middle of the night, that she was drunk and does this sometimes when she's drinking, calling at 3am and starting an argument.  Suddenly, he told me to move ahead as he didn't want the neighbours to hear, but his tone was demanding and his voice was raised.  I tried to sluff it off with a smile ( I don't remember what I said) and light comment, hoping he would realise how worked up he was.  He got mad, raised his voice, said "I'm F!@#$  serious, move ahead!"  I got defensive, drove quickly to the end of the street and told him to get out of my car.  I had to firmly tell him 3 times.  His reaction was "I can't help but think that if it wasn't for my ex, this wouldn't be happening right now."  I didn't engage, just told him to get out.  I went home, he started messaging me on Facebook, apologizing telling me how it's been tough since he moved back from Edmonton, Alta with his ex.  That he's been depressed, etc.  I forgave him. 
I invited him to come to an Easter get together at my sister's.  When the day came he didn't show up at my place.  I called and text him but no answer, so I drove to his place.  He answered the door with blood shot eyes and asked me what the hell I was doing there.  I reminded him.  He asked why I didn't call; I explained that I did.  He was clearly mad and said he wasn't coming.  I was so angry that he lays all of this "I love you, I want to build a life with you, I want to be a family etc." but I couldn't rely on him because he stayed up all night drinking.  I went home and text him, told him there is still time and I want him to come and meet my sister.  He finally got it together and came with me.

The next month he left town for work, for 2.5 months.  He asked me to come up on a long weekend to visit.  I think he was a little surprised that I did.  I noticed his cell phone was always on him, he never put it down, it was like glue.  Maybe I'm old school, but I though that was odd.  So one morning while visiting him out of town on this long weekend, I snooped through his phone and found he was flirting with a woman he met on Facebook, sent her a couple of pics, the same pics he had sent me, at the same time, but told me he was delayed in responding to me because he was sitting outside of Tim Horton's and eating.  There was a message with his ex, that he just left in Edmonton, telling her that he loved and missed her and another woman that he thought she was a fox.  I quietly got up, got dressed, packed my things, tapped him on the shoulder and told him to never contact me again.  I started pulling out of the driveway and he came running down the driveway after me, bawling.  I kept driving, he started phoning me, he wouldn't stop.  I pulled over and finally answered, he was crying, apologizing and begging me to come back.  I reluctantly went back to meet him.  I stayed in the relationship yet again.  I felt like his life was a mess and he had to start all over and was making bad decisions.  He has children and makes child support payments, has had to go to court.  I felt like he had a lot of stresses and his last relationship of 4 years didn't work out and had to leave much of his stuff there as he was not able to ship it back with him.  I feel like there is manipulation, yet he is truthful in how he feels, yet he can be so brutal and mean, but breaks down in overwhelming anxiety.

There is so many more instances and things have evolved, yet stayed the same.  I don't know how else to explain things but to tell of instances that have taken place.  So sorry for my long responses... .

[Meili]

Long responses are fine. In fact, not only are they are therapeutic for you, but they help give us a more complete picture of what happened so we can understand and support you better.

What is the status of the relationship at this point?

[Burtvert]

At this point - he told me he realises he "can't shake" me and that he wants me to stay as his girlfriend.  That he realises he is not moving back in because I don't want him living with my kids.  I try my best not to explain my side anymore as it just causes problems.  It isn't that I don't want him living with my kids...
The last time he moved out, (after a 100 times prior) was because of a post he saw on Facebook and he thought it was funny, so I challenged it and said my own views; he told me I didn't get it and didn't have a sense of humour.  After the fact he said it was because of all of the prior arguments, that he's tired of disagreeing.  I explained that my comment on the post had no digs at him, it wasn't rude, I didn't have an attitude, it was just a different view that he thought was too analysing.  Anyway, I was hurt, I left the house without a word (which I don't usually do because of my responsibilities to my kids being home; though he does it all the time) to pick up my son, when I got back he was gone.  I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night; though I assumed he went to his brothers and drinking.  I got a text the next day, late morning, it said - do you think this is working?  I get this all of the time.  I feel like the loss of the relationship is constantly being held over my head.  I get tired of trying to explain, so I said No.  Within the hour he was on a dating site.  A couple of hours had passed and he started texting that he was sorry and explaining why he left.  We then talked on the phone and I confronted him.  He became defensive that I was snooping around.  He said he was just curious, he didn't do anything wrong, he only put in his age and looked around.  After further investigation I found he had to give more information than age and he had opened an account and was talking to a woman 1/2 my age (he is 10 years younger than me).  I confronted him again, that he wasn't completely honest.  He said it wasn't worth the argument, that he made a bad decision out of anger and didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has.  I've tried to move on from this, but the fact that he left without hearing from him for the entire night, wondering where he was, no courtesy call, the fact that he was drinking again when he can't afford it, etc. I couldn't let him back.
After a couple of months, I was at my cousin's, I spoke with him on the phone and he told me it was Saturday night, I was away without him and he was bored so he was going to pick up some whiskey.  He asked if that was going to be a problem, I told him that it was his own decision.  I don't know how many times I have to explain how the drinking is too much and he can't afford it.  This led to an argument, he said he wanted the rest of his stuff out of my place.  I promised myself that I would make sure that happened this time.  I moved all of his things to the driveway, moved my car, and hid in the house.  I text him to come get his things.  He was mad that I had put it outside.  He said he was going to call the cops and that all of his things better be there.  He finally calmed down and tried to be friendly, but when he showed up he was mad again because I wasn't there.  He kept texting me, telling me to come talk to him, that I was a coward, etc.  I stuck to the promise to myself that I would not let him back in until he got his drinking under control and his spontaneous reaction to leave this relationship every time there is a problem.  He left 8.5 months ago and I moved his remaining items out 6 months ago.
Since all of this, the arguments continued and we continue to roller coaster in and out of a relationship.  Every time it's over,... .
-he has met a woman that he told her about us but that they are just friends (I text her and told her it was inappropriate ),
-he has contacted a friend of his since he has know since he was 5, whom he ended up having a one night stand with, twice, before we met, and possibly had plans again while we were together but plans fell through.  He insists they are only friends, they had crossed the line before we met but he has no interest in her and he cannot through a family friend away from his mistake.  I just feel betrayed and wonder how far things would have went if they plans didn't fall through.
-added about 100 women to his Facebook to make me mad and hurt me more.
-dropped me off at a Tim Horton's and told me my ex can pick my ass up and left (all because of a phone conversation with my ex in regards to where we can eat pho food - feels I get along with the ex better and talk to him more).
etc, etc, etc,
Finally, he broke down crying on the phone a about 3 weeks ago, saying that he wants to move home, that he misses me and why don't you tell me you want me home, you never tell me.  I told him I do tell him, but things haven't changed; this led to an argument.  We talked later in the day and he apologised.  He said that he wants me to stay his girlfriend, that he is getting his own place, that he knows what he needs to do (cut back drinking to save money for bills) and will do this for himself, not me.  It hurts that he spent the last 8.5 months wanting to come back home and couldn't get it together, but now he can to be on his own, not with me as a family.
He has made it clear that everything needs to be wiped clean and forget everything that "we" have done to each other.  But that I am not to dictate who he talks to (all his friends seem to be women, an ex, the family friend, a girl from high school that "it's harmless flirting, and she knows I still love you, but I'm sorry, I won't flirt with her", an ex from high school whom is married (husband found out they talked and put a stop to it).
So we are still together.  He has cut back on his drinking, but still drinks all weekend, every weekend.  Still spends more money on eating out than buying groceries.  He keeps his phone at home, out of my site, with the volume turned down so I don't hear it when I'm at his place and forgets to turn it up after.  He doesn't question me if my phone buzzez, though I tell him who it is, (strange since at one point I wasn't even allowed to stand in the grocery isle without him) but have since decided to keep my phone out of site as well.  Our friends and family are not involved, so we don't see each other's.  I don't know who he is talking to or how often, but I do talk to him every day and frequently throughout the day.  I don't believe he is sleeping with anyone, but I feel betrayed from the past with these women that are his friends.  I have never met any of his friends, not one.  He blames me. 
He came over this past weekend, made dinner.  I was trying to stream a movie when he came in and told me to shut it off, dinner is ready and he wasn't going to sit here and eat dinner while I was trying to figure it out.  I snapped back at him and told him I am shutting it down, just a minute.  He said he wasn't waiting, shut it down now.  I talked back, he said he was leaving.  I became upset, he was demanding, controlling, etc.  I told him, go ahead and leave, it's what you do best.  He called later and said he had something to say and "I want the same from you".  He apologised, he said he is trying and doesn't want to keep walking out.  I apologised as well.
He really is a great man, but the more I read about BPD, the more I would bet my life this is him with the exception of suicidal tendencies.  He is so thoughtful, giving, passionate, and irresponsible, emotional, reactive... .
If I ever suggested BPD he would lose it!  I've had him in couples counselling twice. The first time was a nightmare!  The second time we split the appointment and did it separately - he told me about some of the things he had discussed; I felt it was a waste of his time.

[Meili]

It does sound like a terrible lot has happened. I'm sorry for the hurt that you've endured. It does sound like you truly care about this man, and that there is something there that you both want to save and are willing to work on. That's big.

It also sounds like there are some communication issues that you can help resolve. In the sidebar to the right, there are several articles that should provide you with a good place to start. The 3-minute lesson ending conflict might be a good place to begin.

You said that you've been learning about BPD, that should help as well. I'm guessing that, at this point, you understand that pwBPD feel emotions a great deal stronger than others. It is conceivable that the times that he leaves it is because he is afraid that you will leave him. Sometimes pwBPD will abandon their SO so that they don't have to be abandoned themselves. It's very twisted thinking, but makes perfect sense in their minds.

Something else that jumped out at me in your post is that you try to reason/rationalize with him. As I'm sure that you're realizing, that won't work. For pwBPD, their emotions are their reality. What they feel is very real to them. When a non tries to explain his/her side of things, the pwBPD only hears that they are wrong and bad and thus will be abandoned. There are communication techniques to help reduce the fears however.

An example of this type of behavior might be his response to your not finding the Facebook post as funny as he did. When you tried to explain why, he may have taken it as you were telling him that he's wrong rather than you just expressing your opinion on the subject.

Does that make sense?

[Burtvert]

Yes, thank you very much for your time;  I'll keep studying...