8 Months from going NC with nBPD mother

[indifferent]

Hi Everyone,

I don't contribute very often, I do love reading all the posts though, I suppose sometimes I just don't feel like writing about my feelings.  It's been 8 months since I've gone NC, and here's some thoughts, lessons and questions.

*  Is it normal to at times feel a bit numb?  I don't know why, I go through times when I cry about the loss of a family I once had, hurt and anger, like before Christmas.  My husband and I love the festive season, and decorating is a big deal, needless to say, that day I felt a bit meh, I had a good cry and then went on.  I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm not feeling everything, if that makes sense? 

*  I have no idea what to do with my life, I'm blessed that I don't have to work, but we have no human kids only fur kids, and I do cater to my husband, but I know life is more than that.  Last year I wanted to start a business, then decided against that, then I wanted to study for a makeup artist, but also decided against that.  The thing is, I literally do not know what I want to do in my life, I feel a bit lost.  Is it because for once, I'm not being told who I should be or what I should do?  I'm like a blank page...

*  Not only did I lose a mother, but I lost my enabling father too.  I honestly never expected that.  I was a daddys girl, my dad was my hero, he could do no wrong. He was such a loving man, hard working and gave us the best he could.  The fact that he chose her, above me, sickens me.  I never said he should choose, what kind of father does that?  It pains me to think of it.  I'm sorry, if we are ever blessed to have children, no matter how much I love my husband, I will never ever abandon my kids.  Never.  It saddens me that someone I viewed as my hero, which in movies always depicts strength, has so little to stand up to her. 

*  Also, I realized blood means nothing, zero, nada!  I came from a huge family, I'm talking dozens and dozens of aunts, uncles, cousins etc.  Today I can count my true family on two hands.  Isn't that scary, those decades of memories with people, who chooses to listen to stories (not truths) by an expert liar and manipulator.  Going NC isn't just NC with that parent, it's basically divorcing the whole family.  What a sad reality.

*  A narc will never change!  Or very likely only a small percentage will.  The stories I've heard since going NC, is ridiculous.  I've caught her out in lies, discrepancies and so much more.  Which is why I can just sit here, shake my head and wonder why it's possible for anyone to not see through it.  Btw I've had 0 contact with her, this is just things people have told me.  For example, my mother in law told my husband that my mother has been telling people in church that my sister in law is manipulating me to not speak to my own mother (btw this is entirely false and again shows that she is not taking responsibility for the fact that I'm not speaking to her because she's a terrible mother).  Needless to say, once I found out, I told my sister in law, and my brother confronter my mother.  She blatantly lied to him and said she has never said this.  Now, my mother in law is a saint, she truly is, she will never lie about anything like that, and other church members have said she's told this to them.  When these things happen, it almost just serves as proof that I've done the right thing, because it shows that she will always be the same toxic person.  Incredible how easy it is to lie so blatantly though.

*  There are also things I'm grateful for coming from such a dysfunctional family.  I've learned I'm very resiliant, I'm stronger than I think I am, that I also truly love people even strangers and love to make people feel good and make them smile, I've learned no darkness will ever erase the sunshine I have my heart and sould.  I have a great sense of humour and can find the happy and funny in just about anything.  For this, I am grateful, because I do not know if I will be her, me, had it not been for my past.

On a lighter note... .I've truly learned this year that eating your feelings is truly not great for the waistline.  I need to find a better outlet. Here's to positive self care for 2017!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey indifferent:   

Good to hear from you again!  It can feel good to write things out.  Sounds like you have done some self-reflection.

   
Is it normal to at times feel a bit numb?  I don't know why, I go through times when I cry about the loss of a family I once had, hurt and anger, like before Christmas.  I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm not feeling everything, if that makes sense?

 
The loss of a relationship is like a grieving process.  Have you read the steps of Remembering, Mourning and Healing (links to the right of this post).  What step would you say you are on right now?

*  I have no idea what to do with my life, I'm blessed that I don't have to work, but we have no human kids only fur kids, and I do cater to my husband, but I know life is more than that.   

Have you considered doing some volunteer work?  There are lots of worthy causes.  It can be more fulfilling if you get involved with something you like.  If you love animals, then there are plenty of opportunities to get involved in some type of animal/wildlife rescue.  If you can couple a skill you have passion for, with a cause you like, then that could be a winning combination for you.

*  Also, I realized blood means nothing, zero, nada!  I came from a huge family, I'm talking dozens and dozens of aunts, uncles, cousins etc.  Today I can count my true family on two hands   

I'm so sorry. It can be heartbreaking.  Sounds like you came from a large family.  Some people go out and meet new people and create a new family that is not blood related.  Do you find that life is any easier with less conflict?  Some people make peace with less drama.  One way to think about it is that it can be better to have more quality and less quantity.

*  There are also things I'm grateful for coming from such a dysfunctional family.  I've learned I'm very resilient, I'm stronger than I think I am, that I also truly love people even strangers and love to make people feel good and make them smile, I've learned no darkness will ever erase the sunshine I have my heart and soul.  I have a great sense of humor and can find the happy and funny in just about anything.     

What a great list of what you like about yourself and what you are thankful for! 

Do you have a strategy you plan to use to tackle you stress eating?  Any thoughts on some new habits to create.  It can be more of a matter of creating a new habit, as opposed to just breaking an old one.

[cmm]

Wow!  Hi Indifferent, your story is both sad and happy (will explain that in a bit).  You remind me so much of myself, really.  Everything from the NC to divorcing the whole family to eating as a coping skill.  Literally I felt like I was reading my own story (with the exception of your dad). 

I'm really so sorry that you're going through all this and feeling lost and without family.  It's one thing to lose a mother, but losing your father is something entirely different, especially when you're a daddy's girl.  That is a feeling I know all too well because I was a daddy's girl except mine was an irresponsible alcoholic who abandoned my mother and I.  Being estranged from your dad, you've got to feel like a part of you was ripped out.  You must've questioned your entire relationship up to that point when he turned his back on you.  Did you feel like everything was a lie?  A NPD mother is so manipulative though that even if your dad has the backbone of a buffalo, she could whip out her Elvira moves and make him believe her.  I know he still loves you and he's probably missing you just as much as you miss him.  Hopefully the memories you have of your time with him will help when you're missing him, and especially during special occasions and holidays.  If she passes on before him, I'd bet $100K that he's right back in your life.

Nothing you said about your mother's manipulation and lies surprised me.  That's what NPD mothers do best.  They will literally stop at nothing to boost themselves up and make themselves look good because they know no bounds.  What I've personally found that holds true (have been NC for almost 10 years now) is that the truth surfaces eventually.  It may take some time, but the truth about your mother will come out.  Your character is not tarnished by you staying silent.  People want to see you have a reaction and when you don't they'll eventually find something more interesting to talk about.  The gossip will eventually pass.  Also -- whatever people say about you says more about them than it does about you.  Stay strong and don't worry about what they say.   

It is very normal to feel a bit numb and lost at times.  You're feeling the feelings at once and your mind goes numb as a form of overload (at least this is what happened to me).  It took years for me to get past the numb feeling, which also happened a lot around Christmas.  You should eventually be able to not feel numb after you've worked through all the feelings, although when triggers come up (Christmas, special occasions) I don't know that the numbness will ever fully go away.

It is also totally normal to feel lost while you find your voice.  Literally, you are unravelling decades of controlling behavior because you were never allowed to express your true feelings.  It will take a while for you to find your voice and feel comfortable expressing it, but it will happen.  I went through this too and am now on the other side.  Happily, I can report that it feels amazing to be out from under the NPD mother shadow and living as a healthy, expressive human being!  It's a muscle that's been dormant for your whole life, but you use it little by little until it's built up into a strong and powerful muscle that feels normal.

You also really hit the nail on the head when you said this:

Also, I realized blood means nothing, zero, nada!  I came from a huge family, I'm talking dozens and dozens of aunts, uncles, cousins etc.  Today I can count my true family on two hands.  Isn't that scary, those decades of memories with people, who chooses to listen to stories (not truths) by an expert liar and manipulator.  Going NC isn't just NC with that parent, it's basically divorcing the whole family.  What a sad reality.

It couldn't be more true.  But you're the lucky one because I'm sure your life is so much more peaceful now without her in it, not having to deal with the drama and confusion on a daily basis.  Just goes to show you that those who love you will stick by you and treat you with the dignity and respect you truly deserve. 

Personally, I went NC with most of my family.  They did want to talk to me but it seemed like everyone was unhealthy like yours (my sister was NPD too) so I kept my distance from all the drama.  It was incredibly lonely for years.  Those who truly love me in a healthy way are still in my life but the others I've left to themselves.  They all stick together so that just goes to show that birds of a feather flock together.  One really key thing I did was build my own family which I'm still working on.  I chose a "dad" who's almost exactly like me personality and family history-wise (he had a NPD mother and now only has his wife as family other than me).  He's been an amazing source of support, an ideal role model and taught me more than either of my biological parents did about love and respect.  There's also extended family that my grandma introduced me to who are amazing people who love and respect me.  My grandma has always been there, she's an outstanding person (who manages to deal with the NPD people ok) and I've got the friends who love me.  When I do get married, it will be to a person who also treats me with love, kindness and respect.  Sometimes you just have to build your own family, which can be an advantage because you're not stuck in the muck with crazies!  That is why I said part of your story is happy, because you have a choice in who your family is.

I have one question -- does it really help to have your own nuclear family with a spouse nearby when dealing with the "others?"  Does it lighten the load a little or make things harder?

I agree, there are also advantages to coming from a dysfunctional family.  One thread here on the forum is about those strengths we built from dysfunction.  Also, this forum is amazing.  It really feels great talking to others who've really gone through the same trauma.  That's why your story stuck out to me.  I think we all feel less alone when we can talk about our stories and receive validation from other survivors with similar pasts.

Sending you lots of love and healing  ,
cmm

[HappyChappy]

Hi Cmm,

I have been NC for 3 years, so I read your post with interest. You seam to have made great progress, as have I. I would also say the question you raise are good questions, but in time I have managed to come to terms with those issues as I'm sure you will.

 *  Is it normal to at times feel a bit numb?

Christmas time tends to provoke strong childhood memories, numbness is a great defence mechanism, both physically as well as mentally. In time I'm sure this will ease. Is Christmas a very triggering time of the year for you ?

 *  I have no idea what to do with my life.

Not sure many people do, unless you’ve trialled something how would you know? What have you to lose by trying out some of your ideas ? A business sounds fun, if it doesn’t require too much money, what are you risking ?

 *  Not only did I lose a mother, but I lost my enabling father too.  I honestly never expected that.

Exactly the same happened to me. A BPD sees NC as you against them, black and white. So they will recruit people onto their team. So their husband should be a given. So its not personal, I’m sure you Dad loves you, but he is deep in FOG. My dad is scared stiff of his BPD wife.

 * Also, I realized blood means nothing, zero, nada!

I am so sorry that you are right about this. They say blood is thicker than water, but sh*t is thicker still. Meaning this is an outdated term. I have blood between me and my friends, not my BPD family and it sounds like you also have close relationships where you have loyalty and love. It doesn’t have to be from your mother.

*  There are also things I'm grateful for coming from such a dysfunctional family.  I've learned I'm very resiliant, I'm stronger than I think I am, that I also truly love people even strangers... .I have a great sense of humour and can find the happy and funny in just about anything. 

I am so pleased things are improving for you, thanks for sharing your success, I am sure it will give others confidence.   

[cmm]

Hi HappyChappy,

Congratulations on being NC for 3 years now... .that's quite an accomplishment!  Was it difficult for you in the beginning and did you feel really odd setting boundaries with the NPD?  Did she try to contact you at first?  Was she angry that you went NC?  Also, I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your father to her like Indifferent.  It's almost like someone died when the relationship ends.  So, so sad.  Sending you both lots of love and hugs. 

Thank you for your thoughts.  It feels great to talk to another NC byproduct of yet another NPD mother.  Who knew there were so many of us?  Really though, I'm so sorry for the trauma that you and Indifferent have gone through.  It is not an easy road and really a tough way to have grown up.  Not only is there the actual NPD trauma, but we are now having to deal with the aftereffects.  If I weren't an optimist, I'd say it is really unfair.

Indifferent did bring up some great points.  I've never thought about them before objectively (because I went through it all on my own without anyone to talk to).  Numbness, feeling lost and losing a dad are all really common.  I'm glad everyone's talking about them and bringing them to light.  I will also add denial, because I have always said my NPD mother was narcissistic but it just hit me like a ton of bricks when I joined this forum a few days ago that she is actually a narcissist.  It was like I had to accept what I'd been hoping was not true.

I totally agree with you, Christmas is the most difficult time for me too... .besides being separated from the family I grew up with and spent it with each year, it drudges up old happy memories.  Sometimes just the smell of the cinnamon pine cones waifing through the air at the store can dampen my day.  Seeing peoples' posts on social media where they're happy with a big group of family members, wrapping paper strewn across the floor or a fireplace crackling with music playing in the background is super hard.  Enough to make anyone dealing with a NC situation to go numb as a coping mechanism for sure.

I agree with you and Indifferent, we do tend to become sensitive to others' needs as a result of a NPD mother.  This has really great benefits, like loving others and strangers and being upbeat in the face of adversity.  It feels good to know that others ended up with these humble qualities too. 

You guys are really great to relate to, thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts!

[HappyChappy]

  Was it difficult for you in the beginning and did you feel really odd setting boundaries with the NPD?   Very much so. She initially ridiculed "silly boundaries."

  Did she try to contact you at first?  Yes she did. She hit that hard for a couple of months and then started working her flying monkeys. Letters from people I hardly know saying "She's your mother.". Then the false emergencies kicked in. Just got to hold on tight and it dies down.

Was she angry that you went NC?  She was livid, but shes a very angry woman anyway. My NPD relative is also very violent, so it was the F.O.G. that gripped me initial. It was this website that helped me through that.

So that's your initiation to join the NC (Naturally Cool) gang. Welcome aboard. But it does get easier and easier. I was incredibly ill with C-PTSD but now I'm well enough to hook back up and not be bothered if it doesn't work out. 

[cmm]

Happy Chappy, that's really hilarious.  I was laughing out loud at your candor.  Humor really helps in these situations.  Every one of your answers resonated with me and are very similar to my experiences.  My NPD mother is a very angry person also.  Like, NOBODY likes being around her unless she wants something or is drunk.  Constantly yelling, uptight, loud, bossy, and not a warm person at ALL.  I am getting tense just thinking about her anger outbursts.

Was it difficult for you in the beginning and did you feel really odd setting boundaries with the NPD?   Very much so. She initially ridiculed "silly boundaries."

When they reduce your boundary setting to something as small as "silly boundaries" it really can be debilitating initially when you're first in the throes of confusion from the whole new world after NC.  I remember my NPD mother saying, "but here's the thing... ." after I tried NC but was reeled in and slowly breaking away into completely cutting all communications.  I said something to set a boundary but she rebutted like my point was null.

Did she try to contact you at first?  Yes she did. She hit that hard for a couple of months and then started working her flying monkeys. Letters from people I hardly know saying "She's your mother.". Then the false emergencies kicked in. Just got to hold on tight and it dies down.

Same thing here!  It took almost five years for her two texts per year (my birthday and Christmas) to taper off, then another few for the yearly Christmas text to disappear. 

The guilt trip that people tried to put me on was also amazing like yours.  "But she's your mother and you only get ONE mother."  Flying monkeys... .  It's almost like people you didn't even know wanted to throw you under the bus until they found out you didn't care, then they stopped.  You really have to set boundaries with EVERYONE at that point and not just the NPD mother.

Was she angry that you went NC?  She was livid, but shes a very angry woman anyway. My NPD relative is also very violent, so it was the F.O.G. that gripped me initial. It was this website that helped me through that.

What is F.O.G.?  I'm really happy this website was your ally and rock through that tough time.  You had a double whammy with the relative.  Glad you came out on the other side.

What are your feelings on your NC?  Is it permanent?  Do you believe that counseling is possible and will help NPD mothers?  I personally don't but want to know others' opinions on it because someone else in the forum mentioned her mother being in counseling.

Also, just curious -- how has your life improved since going NC?  Are you calmer?  Have you found a new freedom to be yourself?  Do you still keep in contact with any family members who truly love you and don't side with the NPD?

[garnet1007]

Thank you all so much for sharing this. I find myself in a similar situation. I live with my BPD and npd mum & have decided it is time to once again move on. I risk losing every last bit of family i have & feel guilty, scared, free, excited & terribly alone. Thanks for giving me hope that i too can move on & remindingme in the most powerful way that i am not alone & that it is possible to survive.