new relationship

[CAREBEAR23]

So this is all very new to me.  I have being with my partner for 8 months.  He was very honest about his condition from the very first day.  I have no regrets entering into this relationship  I love him with all my heart but there are a few things about BPD that I just find hard to understand.

Sometimes he goes into a mood and another personality takes over him.  I have manage to spot it because his face changes and so does his voice. The things he says to me are so horrible, but then when the mood passes he has no memory.  I am left feeling deflated and confused.  AM I just suppose to disregard everything he has said?  What do others do on this situation?

Any advice welcome

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi CAREBEAR23,

Great that he was able to be honest about his BPD. Has he ever been in treatment?

The mood/personality issue sounds like splitting, which can also be a form of disassociation or dysphoria. Another member asked a question recently about splitting, which you can find here.

When your BF goes into an abusive mood, how do you respond? Having a boundary for yourself (e.g. a rule you can follow), is the best way to prevent those feelings of deflation and confusion from getting worse. Not many people can abide that kind of thing for long.

Could you talk to your BF when he is in a calm, regulated mood about giving yourself a time out when he is angry? There are specific ways to phrase things to prevent emotional arousal from getting worse, though sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent an escalation and that's when it's wise to exit stage left.

This helps them work with structure and limits, which they don't tend to have. It's pretty scary to live life that way, so it's an act of love to provide those limits even when it's difficult for both of you.

Glad you found the site  

LnL

[CAREBEAR23]

Thanks so much for answering.  He has started getting treatment, he sees a CPN, Physcologist and Physchatrist ( not sure thats spelt correctly)  but if he is in a bad way and has taken to his bed, then he misses his appointments.  His diagnosis is quite new, as from what I gather, he was misdiagnosed for a long time.  He was on medication for 2 years that didnt work.  It wasn't until he was sectioned that they got everything right, and started with the correct meds, although they make him very drowsy.  He has been told that his condition is so severe due to his traumatic past that this will take years to get to the bottom of, if at all. Right now they are trying to sort out the correct medication to stabalise his moods.
He is good at taking himself away of he feels a mood coming on.  But the worst is if he is in a mood and we are apart and he argues by text, the things he says are so horrible.  I have learned to ignore him when he is like that, but the bit I struggle with is when it passes he has no memory of what he said.  So what am I supposed to do, just forget it and move on because technically is wasnt him?  One thing we have on our side is that we talk a lot, but what he won't talk about is the things that have happened and the things he said.  He brushes it off because he can't remember.

Right now he is living with me and I have now seen first hand when he goes into a depression.  Last week he literally took to his bed for a week,and when he did get up he was nippy with me and looked at me like he hated me.  This is when I feel I need the answers as to what to do to deal with it.  I told him that I was just going to leave him alone until he came out of it, which I did.  But I am beginning to feel a bit of resentment towards him.  I feel that its all take at the moment and all about his feelings, because he has no clue what he does to mine.  If I mention how I am feeling he will say that this is too hard and too much for me so maybe he should leave me to get on with my life, and he will just be alone

I am sure that there are no right or wrong answers as everyone's situation is different, and I feel that I and learning mroe and more everyday about him, but I would just like a bit of guidance

[earlyL]

Hi Carebear23,

It sounds like you are in a really difficult place and as LnL says it is good that he is able to be honest about his diagnosis but i can understand where your feelings are coming from.

My partner is also diagnosed BPD although she doesn't talk about it as much as she used to. We are going through a particularly difficult period and I am feeling extremely pushed away. I don't know if this will help at all, but I often find it good reading other peoples stories. We have had a difficult period for 6 weeks now, and something for me shifted last week that made me feel like you - some resentment, that it was all about my partner and not about my feelings. I didn't really make a decision to say anything but we had a discussion on Saturday and I told her that I was worried as I was starting to feel like I was no longer part of the relationship. It has definitely caused a change and she was incredibly upset, but then she totally shut down on me and went to sleep. I was of course infuriated, but somehow I guess it made it easier. She slept for 9.5 hours, whereas I slept for 2, but I managed not to get angry about this and realise we all deal with things differently. Her mind is obviously in such turmoil, I was just jealous she can sleep! Our whole issue has come off the back of her not being honest with me about her feelings, so I feel like me being honest was the best thing that I could do, and is what we discussed, but of course I have several wobbles in case I have now pushed her away. But it feels like we need to get to this place in order to move on.

I have started therapy recently and it has been an absolute god send, I don't think I would have got through it all without. No matter what happens with this relationship I feel the therapy is something that will make me a stronger person for the whole future. Is that something you could and would consider? I would highly recommend but I can understand is not for everyone.

Are you able to take yourself away for a few days to give yourself some time, are you able to talk to friends about the situation as well. This forum has been amazing for me but I have also reached out to friends and that has been incredible. I thought people wouldn't listen and I have found some friends who have been so supportive.

LW

[Echo87]

My relationship with my BPD partner is relatively new too (11 months). One thing I've discovered, it's a LOT of take, very little give, and finding moments where you can discuss how you're feeling with your partner can be few and far between (in my personal experience). Perhaps it will can/will change with time. I share your frustration in this, it's so hard to put so so much care into the feelings of another human being only to be shut down when you expect just a little back. Your words, your story could have been written by myself.

I find having someone, anyone, too talk to helps. Keeping a private journal (not ever accessible to him, unless you'd like a while new war on your hands ) or sharing your thoughts here. Therapy is a good suggestion as well, though not something I've considered for myself.

I'm going to take a guess though and say that along with all of that occasionally we still see a glimpse of that sweet man we feel for in the first place that justifies all the effort we're putting in?

[CAREBEAR23]

Guys  Thanks so much for reading and answering.  I am finding this site quite difficult to navigate, to be able to find if anyone has answered me, but I got there in the end.

So we had a chat over the weekend, not sure if I said that, but he has done a complete 360, he was up and out yesterday, put things in place to get a new flat as he has to leave the one he is in, hence why he is with me just now.

Does anyone else find there partners quite manic, he was as high as a kite yesterday because he was focused and got things done and got a lot organised.  Its like a constant whirlwind.

Does anyone else constantly get asked of there partner looks ok in whatever they are wearing! I get asked that all the time.  He just bought a new Jacket from Superdry and I must have been asked at least 20 times if I think he suits it.

I find reading the stories on here heart breaking.  Its such a sad place to be for the person that has the illness!  In my case I have been asked by some friends do i know what I am "taking on".  I feel that everyone deserves to have a life that they like, and I try to encourage my Partner where possible to not let BPD define who he is, he is so much more than that.  In his case it was a severe and horrendous trauma in his childhood that has caused this.  Therefore the difference between him and I is bad parententing!  SO it could be anyone that is in this situation, and that is why I stay!