Why? Why do we love people like this?

[wallsaroundme]

I guess I'm just venting. At my wits end.
I'm just wondering why we love people like this.
On previous threads I've written, I understand that this is abusive behavior. And when I read so many others I see my situation in many of them.
I called a DV hotline and reached out over email to my local DV shelter.
They can have a place for me to go to get out of this situation.
But I can't justify leaving.
I know I walk on eggshells all the time.
I know I am not myself. I feel like just a shell of me.
I am tired and worn out. I feel like I've aged in just a short amount of time.
I know this won't end.
Yet still I can't bring myself to leave.
Why do we choose to love? And do you really think it's love or just trying to prove we are strong?

I'm sorry if this doesn't belong on this board.
But you all have been such a help and support even just sharing your stories.

[Echo87]

I guess I'm just venting. At my wits end.
I'm just wondering why we love people like this.
On previous threads I've written, I understand that this is abusive behavior. And when I read so many others I see my situation in many of them.
I called a DV hotline and reached out over email to my local DV shelter.
They can have a place for me to go to get out of this situation.
But I can't justify leaving.
I know I walk on eggshells all the time.
I know I am not myself. I feel like just a shell of me.
I am tired and worn out. I feel like I've aged in just a short amount of time.
I know this won't end.
Yet still I can't bring myself to leave.
Why do we choose to love? And do you really think it's love or just trying to prove we are strong?

I'm sorry if this doesn't belong on this board.
But you all have been such a help and support even just sharing your stories.

I can't speak for anyone else... .I don't know your personal experience or what you have gone through, but I would recommend you read Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (Shari Y. Manning PhD).

Even in the bad times, I catch glimpses of the man I fell in love with. A sweet, caring, considerate man. A man who loves my children as his own, a man who has done more for myself and my kids in a few short months than their father did in 8 years.

I remember these things when I'm broken down sobbing on the bathroom floor behind the only lockable door because I can't take even one more second of his erratic behavior, and I've lost control of my own emotions and can't control my own responses to his very intense emotions.

Each time these breakdowns and loss of control on my part lead to reading this same book, cover to cover. Each time I feel just a little bit more capable of controlling my own reactions.

[Echo87]

I guess I'm just venting. At my wits end.
I'm just wondering why we love people like this.
On previous threads I've written, I understand that this is abusive behavior. And when I read so many others I see my situation in many of them.
I called a DV hotline and reached out over email to my local DV shelter.
They can have a place for me to go to get out of this situation.
But I can't justify leaving.
I know I walk on eggshells all the time.
I know I am not myself. I feel like just a shell of me.
I am tired and worn out. I feel like I've aged in just a short amount of time.
I know this won't end.
Yet still I can't bring myself to leave.
Why do we choose to love? And do you really think it's love or just trying to prove we are strong?

I'm sorry if this doesn't belong on this board.
But you all have been such a help and support even just sharing your stories.

I keep doing this, going back and reading over what I've written before and it just seems to look all wrong, I keep leaving out super important things. Like that even though I'm in a relatively GOOD place right now, meaning I'm on the (stick it out and work through things) team, I definitely am not always here... .Like as in less than 24 hours ago I was at my absolute peak of frustration, on that floor crying, head between my knees, but, like you, I. Just. Couldn't. Leave.

It's desperate, it's holding on to that last final shard of that person, that amazing soul who captured your heart. I'm sure there's still a little bit of them there, however minute. I will, however, encourage you, that if your in any type of physical danger, to get assistance promptly. It's hard, it IS a choice, and it is hard.

Truly understanding BPD, it's behaviors, and the driving factors behind them helps immensely. Try the book, it's a good read, and if anything, a good distraction.

[Notwendy]

You raise an interesting point. I have read that we tend to choose romantic partners that "match " us emotionally in some way. It is also known that abuse tends to be familial- children raised in abusive homes tend to end up in abusive relationships- why?

I experienced this mystery a while back when I was friends with a woman who had left her physically abusive husband. She was intelligent and attractive. I knew some men who seemed very nice who were interested in her, yet she didn't feel "chemistry" with them. She ended up dating another man who I felt was not good for her. Clearly, there was something about her that emotionally matched him. I didn't understand it at the time.

Although my situation was less severe than hers, I was raised by a mother with BPD and found myself experiencing some similar dynamics in my marriage. I didn't really see my upbringing as emotionally abusive. My idea of abuse was when someone beat someone up, physically. As kids, we don't have a measurement of "normal". I was raised to accept my mother's verbal and emotional abuse as normal. She even blamed me for the cause of that. I didn't know any other way. It isn't a surprise that I would not expect to be treated differently in relationships.

An eye opener for me was Patricia Evan's book series on verbal abuse. As you can imagine, I bought copies at the bookstore, read them in my car, and then donated them to the library. There was no way I would risk bringing them into my home to be discovered by my H. A local DV shelter ran a fund raiser with the slogan "Love doesn't hurt". This resonated with me. My parents, and later my husband, would say things that hurt me, then tell me they loved me. If that was my experience of love, this didn't make sense. I didn't accept that kind of love. And I didn't feel obligated to love someone who also thought it was OK to treat me like that.

A counselor helped me to set boundaries and expect to be treated better. I was raised to be a doormat, and so long as I was one, things wouldn't likely change. However, she established that I was not in physical danger and that standing up for myself would not place me in danger. I believe that the risk of physical danger is something to be considered seriously and professional advice on how to respond is important. But if the risk to me was someone yelling at me, then I could learn to stand up to that.

Setting boundaries, standing up for myself has worked to change the dynamics with my family members. Yet, this might be dangerous for people with potentially violent spouses. There was an emotional cost to this on the part of my parents. My mother did not like it that I stood up to her and she painted me black to other family members, but the alternative, to accept that kind of behavior is not acceptable. The issues in my marriage were not as severe and I was able to stand up for myself. Yet, again, I must stress that there was no physical danger to doing this.

If you are not in physical danger, and you also don't feel you can leave, I think the key to your answer is counseling on why you love who you love. One thing I did read is that if we don't understand this- we may again choose another abusive relationship like my friend did. This doesn't mean we shouldn't assess a situation that could be dangerous physically and take action to protect ourselves. But besides this is a wide range of situations that are not so bad, but not so good. Not bad enough to leave, but unhappy. It seems that this is your situation. A solution is getting counseling and support. It seems yours is particularly hard to get time and space to do this, but can you start somewhere? Your local DV center may have counseling at a reduced cost.

[wallsaroundme]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I contacted a shelter to see if they can do counseling over email - as that is my only form of communication really. They can't at this time. But I'm sure I'll find something.

I'll try to get the books mentioned. I totally understand not being able to bring them in the house. I wouldn't be able to either.

I will think about this more. Such as, we are attracted to someone who emotionally matches us.

Maybe that will give me the insight I need!

Thanks again!

[Sufficating]

I'm currently in therapy trying to figure this exact thing out.  So far, I've realized that my mother was sadistic and emotionally abused me so I might be trying to resolve my past with my current love interests.  I don't recognize red flags because damaging behavoir was normal to me.  I am constantly trying to get emotional support from men who are incapable of providing me the very thing I'm looking for.  Once I finally move on from my current lover, I'm afraid I'll just find another abusive partner.  I thought I was upgrading with my current lover from my past one and here I am again being emotionally abused on a daily basis.  The whole cycle is very discouraging.

[Red5]

"I don't recognize red flags because damaging behavoir was normal to me."

BINGO !

... .but after all these years, I think I am finally starting to wise up, if I live to be a hundred, I am half way there now !

@wallaroundme... .I too am having a hard time letting my second marriage go, in the last 48 hours, I have actually convinced myself that maybe I can stay aboard, and ride this out with her, the caretaker in me seems to have won out again... .I tell myself, you are a tough old ass (literally), what does not kill you outright makes you stronger (?)... .and knowledge gained the hard way is turned into wisdom... .be safe, and take care of yourself... .

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

I just returned from my therapist this morning, and thought I'd share something.

She gave me some things to consider, that I think are germane to this topic.

She is very blunt with her comments which I like.  She asked me straight up.

1.  Are you a competent person?
2.  Are you a lovable person?

I answered "yes" to the first, and "I'm not sure" to the second.

We delved into that and in my case it seems that I don't believe that I deserve a healthy relationship with my wife.  Because of that I stay and continue to be emotionally abused.  It also seems that I don't believe that a healthy relationship is possible for me.  Which has created a strange dichotomy for me, because my parents had a very healthy partnership where each contributed to their good relationship.

So on one hand I see evidence that it is possible, but on the other had my core belief is that it is not possible, and that I don't deserve it.  And that has created a big conflict in me.  Definitely enlightening for me, and gives me much food for thought.

[BreakCycle]

I'm currently in therapy trying to figure this exact thing out.  So far, I've realized that my mother was sadistic and emotionally abused me so I might be trying to resolve my past with my current love interests.  I don't recognize red flags because damaging behavoir was normal to me.  I am constantly trying to get emotional support from men who are incapable of providing me the very thing I'm looking for.  Once I finally move on from my current lover, I'm afraid I'll just find another abusive partner.  I thought I was upgrading with my current lover from my past one and here I am again being emotionally abused on a daily basis.  The whole cycle is very discouraging.

 Thank you so much for this. I just got out of a volatile on-and-off, two-year relationship with one BPD partner and started dating quickly and now I am two months in with another person who I believe has BPD,  and I am so frustrated! I am even in therapy!

I really do think that there is something to the emotional matching/family of origin line of thought. My father is a narcissist and I continue to find people with BPD because they (the ones I find) provide the same self-absorption without the irritatingly overt narcissistic traits,  and it all just feels very comfortable and familiar – but of course at great cost.

I think we have to avoid beating ourselves up as much as possible. Even my therapist says this.  Maybe we are already pretty beaten up inside and that's why we are choosing these partners, in my case, repeatedly.

[hope2000]

For me I realised that I'm a rescuer to be needed.

[Cat Familiar]

As others have mentioned on these boards, having high functioning Aspergers can be linked to attracting a partner with BPD. In addition, I was raised by a BPD mother, so BPD behavior seems very familiar and sort of "homey."

Being an aspie, we learn to control and hide our emotions. Thus we can come across "Spock-like" and it can be freeing and exciting to have a partner who is so passionate and emotional. For pwBPD, we are calm and reliable and devoted. They know we are tolerant, because we are a bit different and we appreciate that others tolerate our quirks.

And with Aspergers, we can be quite self-sufficient, so it's easier to tolerate the "push/pull" nature of BPD.

[lovenature]

Why do we choose to love? And do you really think it's love or just trying to prove we are strong?

We choose to love because it is part of being human. Loving another person by showing them what love is founded on (honesty, trust, empathy, compassion, respect) because you want them to enhance your life (not out of need) is great, problem is when they aren't capable of accepting your love and reciprocating it, hurting you and pushing you away when you get too close, the result is loosing yourself and pain. We must love and respect ourselves enough to not allow continually being hurt by someone we love.

I can recommend the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie, it helped me to understand that FOO issues were why I stayed so long in a BPD relationship and tried so hard to make it work.

[MaybeSo]

I suggest taking a look at the book and website titled Irrelationships.  It's a interesting book/information that uses  attachment theory to explain how many individuals often stay in relationships where there are chronic severe problems as a (subconscious) means to avoid intimacy.  the book explains that both people in these kind of r/s feel like they are pursuing intimacy ... .but never achieve it and feel like the other is always thwarting their best efforts.  It suggests both people use the relationship to actually avoid intimacy (subconsciously) bc it's so anxiety producing... .though one person often plays a more dramatic role that garners attention in terms of being the low functioning or more dysfunctional partner ("audience" role) while the other partner is often more high functioning (the performer role). Both have childhood attachment history that groomed them subtly or not so subtly to take on these roles.