I thought I could help her. Now I've lost friends because of it.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'd been meaning to post here for some months. I wish I had sooner, looking back, because things might not have come to this if I had.

My ex and I met online roughly 4-5 years ago. Our relationship was entirely online, and we never met in person. We met through a mutual friend and over the course of the next couple years became very close, and eventually began dating. I knew that she had depression issues in part due to problems with her family, but over the course of our relationship she disclosed to me, after an episode where she had severe mood swings going from suicidal to "normal" within a few minutes, that she believed she had BPD. I didn't know much about it then.

Our relationship lasted six months, over the latter half of 2014. During that time, she spoke very enthusiastically about me coming to meet her, and our conversations went from that to moving in together to marriage and children. I was very much in love and thought I had found "the one." However, over the latter part of our relationship she started to distance herself from me and repeatedly blew off dates we had made. Sometimes she vanished for days or even weeks at a time with no word as to where she had gone.

In December, she broke up with me. At the time she claimed she "couldn't give me what I wanted" in our relationship. I fell into a heavy depression for several months. I am not mentally well either, I will admit - I suffer from depression and have very low self-esteem. For several months I had no contact with her, until May of 2015 when she contacted me and said she wanted to try dating again. This lasted for a week, as after about two or three days she stopped talking to me again. When I confronted her about this, it led to a fight. She accused me of being overly clingy, in part due to messages I had sent her during the times when she had vanished and I had asked her where she was, said that I missed her and worried about her, that kind of thing. We were both angry and we went our separate ways again, I thought for good.

I made the mistake of sending her a message for her birthday in August. We started talking yet again, and decided to retry things, as friends this time. I still had strong feelings for her but did not express this at that time. She apologized for her past behavior, calling herself a coward and asking me why I would even want to talk to her again. I told her I forgave her and it seemed like that was that. She eventually ended up introducing me to, and integrating me into, a group of friends she had made during our time apart.

Our friendship was strong for a few months, with her declaring the two of us "best friends," her confiding secrets and personal problems to me like she had in the past, and flirting like we had used to before and during our relationship. But after a few months, she started to ignore me again - not responding to messages and the like - and instead focused on her new group of friends. I raised my concerns with her, and she assured me everything was fine. However, it continued and eventually led to her completely going silent on me for three months. When she finally began to speak to me again, she told me it was because she didn't like the way I acted toward her group of friends. Rather than raise this concern with me, she had decided to stop talking to me entirely for that period of time.

Eventually I opened up to two of the other members of this group and explained our history, which had never been discussed before that point, and laid out my frustrations. They seemed sympathetic at the time. It was around this point I began to research BPD more and commonly found resonance with the stories from others who had dealt with BPD in their lives. Some were near perfect matches for my history with my ex. The friends I confided with agreed, based on what I had told them and their own experience with her, that they thought she was BPD as well.

My therapist pointed out that my ex had been emotionally abusive in the past and warned me that trying to hold a relationship with a BPD person did not have a high success rate, but I felt like I understood things better and could help her. Maybe I could show her the error of her ways, maybe I could get our old relationship back. Of course it didn't work.

Recently her behavior got worse and worse, to the point where she was starting to treat others in the group the way she had treated me, by ignoring and devaluing them. I tried to do something with the knowledge I had and tried to get the others in our circle to see how our behavior was hurtful and driving a wedge between us. One of the people I had confided in and I talked to the other person I had confided in, and we tried to make our case. Long story short, despite my trying to explain things in the most calm and respectful way I could, this led to me getting cast out of the group. I was told I needed to "grow up" and that, basically, she was the victim here. I was told that there was nothing wrong with the way she behaved, that it was all in my head. That I was obsessed.

Even the person I had confided in most turned his back on me, basically saying it was my fault for not "letting go" of how the person who had hurt me so much and so often continued to do so.

I can admit that I was obsessed. My relationship with my ex was very intense, and very intimate. Due to my self-esteem problems I have trouble ever seeing myself in another relationship, because I can't imagine anyone else wanting me, especially after how valued and wanted I had felt in that relationship. But the fact that everyone was willing to let her behavior go so easily, even when it was hurting them and I could point out exactly how to them... .I can't wrap my mind around it.

Now I'm starting to question if I was the bad person, if I was crazy all along. On the other hand, part of me is relieved that it might finally be over. But how many relationships did it cost me? And was it even worth it?

I'm sorry for writing such a long post, and also if it's in the wrong forum or for any other problems. It's just that recent events are now making me question a whole lot and, having had this site's tab open for ages, I finally felt the need to post and tell my story.

[TMW]

I'd been meaning to post here for some months. I wish I had sooner, looking back, because things might not have come to this if I had.

My ex and I met online roughly 4-5 years ago. Our relationship was entirely online, and we never met in person. We met through a mutual friend and over the course of the next couple years became very close, and eventually began dating. I knew that she had depression issues in part due to problems with her family, but over the course of our relationship she disclosed to me, after an episode where she had severe mood swings going from suicidal to "normal" within a few minutes, that she believed she had BPD. I didn't know much about it then.

Our relationship lasted six months, over the latter half of 2014. During that time, she spoke very enthusiastically about me coming to meet her, and our conversations went from that to moving in together to marriage and children. I was very much in love and thought I had found "the one." However, over the latter part of our relationship she started to distance herself from me and repeatedly blew off dates we had made. Sometimes she vanished for days or even weeks at a time with no word as to where she had gone.

In December, she broke up with me. At the time she claimed she "couldn't give me what I wanted" in our relationship. I fell into a heavy depression for several months. I am not mentally well either, I will admit - I suffer from depression and have very low self-esteem. For several months I had no contact with her, until May of 2015 when she contacted me and said she wanted to try dating again. This lasted for a week, as after about two or three days she stopped talking to me again. When I confronted her about this, it led to a fight. She accused me of being overly clingy, in part due to messages I had sent her during the times when she had vanished and I had asked her where she was, said that I missed her and worried about her, that kind of thing. We were both angry and we went our separate ways again, I thought for good.

I made the mistake of sending her a message for her birthday in August. We started talking yet again, and decided to retry things, as friends this time. I still had strong feelings for her but did not express this at that time. She apologized for her past behavior, calling herself a coward and asking me why I would even want to talk to her again. I told her I forgave her and it seemed like that was that. She eventually ended up introducing me to, and integrating me into, a group of friends she had made during our time apart.

Our friendship was strong for a few months, with her declaring the two of us "best friends," her confiding secrets and personal problems to me like she had in the past, and flirting like we had used to before and during our relationship. But after a few months, she started to ignore me again - not responding to messages and the like - and instead focused on her new group of friends. I raised my concerns with her, and she assured me everything was fine. However, it continued and eventually led to her completely going silent on me for three months. When she finally began to speak to me again, she told me it was because she didn't like the way I acted toward her group of friends. Rather than raise this concern with me, she had decided to stop talking to me entirely for that period of time.

Eventually I opened up to two of the other members of this group and explained our history, which had never been discussed before that point, and laid out my frustrations. They seemed sympathetic at the time. It was around this point I began to research BPD more and commonly found resonance with the stories from others who had dealt with BPD in their lives. Some were near perfect matches for my history with my ex. The friends I confided with agreed, based on what I had told them and their own experience with her, that they thought she was BPD as well.

My therapist pointed out that my ex had been emotionally abusive in the past and warned me that trying to hold a relationship with a BPD person did not have a high success rate, but I felt like I understood things better and could help her. Maybe I could show her the error of her ways, maybe I could get our old relationship back. Of course it didn't work.

Recently her behavior got worse and worse, to the point where she was starting to treat others in the group the way she had treated me, by ignoring and devaluing them. I tried to do something with the knowledge I had and tried to get the others in our circle to see how our behavior was hurtful and driving a wedge between us. One of the people I had confided in and I talked to the other person I had confided in, and we tried to make our case. Long story short, despite my trying to explain things in the most calm and respectful way I could, this led to me getting cast out of the group. I was told I needed to "grow up" and that, basically, she was the victim here. I was told that there was nothing wrong with the way she behaved, that it was all in my head. That I was obsessed.

Even the person I had confided in most turned his back on me, basically saying it was my fault for not "letting go" of how the person who had hurt me so much and so often continued to do so.

I can admit that I was obsessed. My relationship with my ex was very intense, and very intimate. Due to my self-esteem problems I have trouble ever seeing myself in another relationship, because I can't imagine anyone else wanting me, especially after how valued and wanted I had felt in that relationship. But the fact that everyone was willing to let her behavior go so easily, even when it was hurting them and I could point out exactly how to them... .I can't wrap my mind around it.

Now I'm starting to question if I was the bad person, if I was crazy all along. On the other hand, part of me is relieved that it might finally be over. But how many relationships did it cost me? And was it even worth it?

I'm sorry for writing such a long post, and also if it's in the wrong forum or for any other problems. It's just that recent events are now making me question a whole lot and, having had this site's tab open for ages, I finally felt the need to post and tell my story.

[heartandwhole]

Hi TMW,



I'm very sorry to hear about the losses you've experienced. It's bad enough to lose someone we love, but add to that losing new friends in whom you confided—that is really difficult. My heart goes out to you. 

I can fully understand your feelings and your questioning if you could have done something different, or did something wrong. That is so common in these relationships. I believe we all do the best we can, given what we know and understand at the time. Please be gentle with yourself. Remember that it takes two committed people to make a relationship work. Even if you had done everything "perfectly," the outcome might have been the same. I certainly tried to do just that, but it wasn't enough.

Are you seeing a therapist for your depression, TMW? I know it really helped me after my breakup. Do you have former friends and/or family whom you can lean on right now?

You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. The site also has tons of tools and resources to make things better. And things DO get better. They have for me, and they can for you, too.

When I first arrived here after my breakup with someone with BPD, I felt confused and shattered. This article really helped me:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Does any of it resonate with you?

Keep writing. We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Hi  TMW,  I’d like to join heartandwhole and welcome you to BPD family. I also wondered if I was the crazy one as have many of us on here. Borderline behaviours can be very confusing and crazy making, but it’s a good sign part of you is relieved it might be over. I feel the same way. It’s a lot of hurt to process, but you’ve come to a great place for support. As to whether or not it was worth it -  right now I’d say no because I’m still recovering, but often these relationships bring up our own deep-seated hurts and we have a chance to heal them. I’m beginning to see that now and there is light at the end of the tunnel, for you too. 

[TMW]

Thank you both for replying. I truly appreciate it.

heartandwhole - It's really difficult knowing that I lost friends in addition to the person I loved due to this. Counting my ex herself, that's five people who decided to exit my life. After laying out her past behavior and even providing evidence of it, one of the two whom I had confided in (the same one who told me to "grow up" even went so far as to insult me and call me weak. He made it clear that he thought she was faultless and didn't want to do anything about her behavior. He basically called me weak (I think the forum rules prevent me from typing the exact phrasing he used) for being bothered and upset with her behavior.

I think the other one, who was the last to cast me out, decided to turn against me because he'd rather be part of the group than ostracized for agreeing with me. In some ways I feel like she (my ex) may have manipulated them and presented herself as faultless so that they would side with her rather than call her out for her faults.

I have been seeking professional help with my depression off and on for several years. As for other friends and family, there's really no one else I can go to right now, unfortunately. I feel like I brought some of this on myself by opening up to my former friends about the BPD-related behavior, and now bringing other people into that seems like a less-than-optimal choice. Normally I'm a pretty private person and unloading all this on other people I know would involve telling them about several years' worth of things I've been dealing with. My introductory post last night is very abridged and left out a lot of things to avoid making it overly long.

That article absolutely resonates with me. In many ways it felt as though she was the source of my happiness, and as someone who has dealt with depression for a long time and wants desperately to feel wanted, our relationship was addictive to me. I've been accused of being unable to let her go, and that is true. Between the desire to have that relationship back and the strife caused by her less-savory behavior I... .well, like I said before I can admit to having been obsessed. It was, and still is, hard for me to believe that anyone could love me again after this. Practically all those ten points apply to our relationship, especially the last one. When she apologized profusely I really had thought she'd changed and was making an effort to overcome her mistakes and abusive behavior, but then they slowly came back out and became more pronounced than before.

Larmoyant - I'm still having trouble processing how much of this is my own fault. Was I wrong to try to disclose our past and her behaviors to the others? It was starting to affect the rest of our group, and the way she had treated me was beginning to spread to the others. But now it feels like I am the one who broke up the group because of it. I've lost two years of my life to her and it feels like it was all wasted.

Once, on a rare occasion when we were talking and she was actually acknowledging our past together (she refused to discuss at all with the other group members that we had dated, despite there being no reason I could think of to do so), she accused me of squandering our relationship. That was at the same time she accused me of being clingy when I was worried about her disappearance.

Having looked at the internet after the recent events I detailed in my first post, she has blocked/removed me on pretty much all social media we used to share, which both relieves and scares me at the same time. She also still has my phone number and I'm dreading receiving a call or text message from her. I don't entirely know why this puts so much dread in me, but last night I was constantly checking my phone just to make sure she hadn't tried to contact me.

I spent the last few weeks under constant stress leading up to the conversation that led to me being ostracized from the group, and it affected my sleeping habits and appetite severely. While I'm sleeping and eating somewhat better now, I still feel a lot of fear and I just want this negative feeling to stop. This should be over but it isn't.

I'm tired and scared, but I am thankful that there is acceptance and understanding here.

[heartandwhole]

Practically all those ten points apply to our relationship, especially the last one. When she apologized profusely I really had thought she'd changed and was making an effort to overcome her mistakes and abusive behavior, but then they slowly came back out and became more pronounced than before.

That one was very hard for me as well, TMW. The pwBPD I was involved with was extremely self-aware and truly mortified when he realized how his behavior was affecting me. But as much as he wanted to, when he was dysregulated, he couldn't control his reactions. The disordered thinking would "take hold" of him. It was very difficult to witness.

I was tired and scared after my breakup, too. You are not alone. 

What are you doing for self-care, TMW? It's really important to get enough rest, eat well, and exercise if you can. Your body and mind need some time to rebalance after this kind of continual stress.

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

I'm still having trouble processing how much of this is my own fault. Was I wrong to try to disclose our past and her behaviors to the others? It was starting to affect the rest of our group, and the way she had treated me was beginning to spread to the others. But now it feels like I am the one who broke up the group because of it. I've lost two years of my life to her and it feels like it was all wasted.

.

Hi TMW, pwBPD are very skilled at making us feel responsible for all the bad things that happen and we end up carrying the load. It sounds like you are too. Please try not to beat yourself up. You did what you felt was right at the time and sometimes we look back and wished we’d done something different. I have thought the same thing, many times, so you’re not alone. I also understand the contradictory feelings of both fear/dread and relief you’re experiencing. It’s hard trying to navigate our way through all the emotions especially when we’re not eating and sleeping properly. What helped me was talking to a therapist about it and you mention being in therapy before. Is that something you’d consider doing again?

[TMW]

heartandwhole - I wish my ex had had more moments of self-awareness like that, though I doubt it would've changed much. It hurt seeing her deny her own faults and blame me for her own actions, actions she had apologized for committing in the past. Now that it's been a few days after the group ousted me I feel a little better since I have yet to hear from any of them, which is good. I don't want to be yelled at anymore for being upset by her behavior, nor do I want to hear her try to justify it. I've been spending time with family and just doing little things I enjoy to try to get my mind off the situation.

Larmoyant - I had a bad habit of beating myself up a lot for her actions and behavior. I always ended up feeling like I'd made the worst possible decision whenever I tried to discuss things with her before, because it always ended with me feeling like "the bad guy" and her refusing to talk to me for some time afterward. I actually have an appointment with my therapist again on Tuesday, so that's not far off.

I ate the proper amount of meals for the first time in recent memory today, and I slept a little better last night. The more time that passes, I start to feel more little bits of that stress dissipate.

[ShadowA]

Sucks being painted black doesn't it?

I've dealt with it myself around same time-frame as you. She even tried to recruit some of my friends to her side and failed.

Thing is m8... BPD people are distorted to where their reality is based on their emotions. If you try to save them, they can very well pull you in with them. Then you're stuck trying to figure out fact from fiction. Confused all the time as well. It's a tricky situation.

Right now it seems you're painted black, I am too.  It's hard and tears you apart. Realize your ex will most likely smear your name to extraordinary heights so that she can feel better for throwing you away.  There is literally nothing you can do. If you try to do anything about this, you will very well feed into her new dark perspective of you.

Just realize you're the one with the correct reality, the people who go on her side are probably naive; It takes a lot to understand BPD after all.  So try to forgive them, and realize you're the sane one and just heal and accept things are the way they are.

[TMW]

I looked back at some old messages she'd written to me in the past and the shift in attitudes at times is astounding. There were times she sent me saccharine-sweet notes talking about how she missed talking to me and telling me about little achievements in her life that she'd had. Then I contrast that to the long periods of silence and the harsh criticisms of little things she gave me and it's like looking at two entirely different people.

Still feeling bad that I lost friends over this. What really stings is that some of them knew she was BPD, and had admitted she was not the most stable or rational of people at times, and even then they still decided to side with her over me. I have no idea how that could happen.

Even though I'm holding it together, I still feel like I lost a huge part of my life with her and I find it hard to consider recovering from this. Even at her worst I still felt like she was the love of my life and that's just... .gone now.

[Pretty Woman]

Wait, so if I read this correctly you NEVER met this person in all the time you were talking? Like never in person, ever? Please clarify. Thanks!

[TMW]

Yes, our relationship was entirely online. We had phone calls and video calls on occasion, but I never had the opportunity to actually physically meet her. We knew each other for about two years before we started dating.