2nd breakup, hard to give up hope.

[Kate Noel]

My husband left me 5 months ago.  This is our second breakup - the first time was 2 years ago and we were separated 6 months.  Both separations happened at the time of job and financial stresses for him coupled with my attempting to implement some boundaries around what type of behaviours I would tolerate as his thinking was becoming distorted and he started unfairly demonising me.  Both times he turned on me and falsely claimed all sorts of things including all we did was fight - from my perspective that was untrue because all I ever did was try and accomodate his needs and support him as sensitively as possible - it just was never enough for him.  He now says he wants to live alone and will never be involved in another relationship - acting like life with me was so unbearable.  He said that last split though then he had a change of heart and we reunited.  He made no attempts at taking any responsibility for suddenly abandoning me, lying, stonewalling me for months or using me as his scapegoat.  This time his tact is he wants to be friends so we can both co parent our daughter.  I don't want to be friends - I want a husband who appreciates me and my love and wants to work things out - but he never wants to talk about his behaviour.  It's very difficult because he talks like everything's great for him and how he's never felt happier for years without any consideration for me who he's put thru hell - it's really hard to know when to just give up because when you love someone you hold out hope.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kate Noel]

I have found the advise of backing off, giving space and listening emphthetically invaluable - I have often taken things personally, reacted badly and pushed my husband for explanations about his behaviours which definitely added to the conflict in our relationship.  I wish I would have known better information about BPD with NPD like I've found on this site earlier - I'm afraid I have damaged the relationship by trying to assert and protect myself because I thought he genuinely meant all the things he said

[zipper02]

I understand completely when you say you were trying to protect and assert yourself and pushing for explanations may have damaged the relationship.  I have done the same things so many times.  My fiance also leaves me, but it is like he is running away.  He did so yesterday for the third time and it was after that I found this site and information about BPD.  It always seems like it is too little too late. However, I think we need to remember that ultimately we are not responsible.  Yes we could react better, but we are also human.  Highly stressed and vulnerable humans on a BPD anger rollercoaster.

[Kate Noel]

I'm happy to report my husband has allowed me back into his life somewhat but is very guarded.  He insists we can only ever be friends and claims he will never live with me again.  I think he says those things because he's gone around bad mouthing me now as his reason for 'needing' to leave the family to try and shift the attention from the truth.  And the truth is he was unable to handle the stresses and responsibilities of a full time job and family life.  I have always been very sympathetic to how hard that can be. Instead of talking about it and because of his narcissistic defences he used me to project everything onto eventhough I've only ever been a loving and devoted wife.  I have never deserved any of it.  He has segregated me from his family and couple of friends because if they knew what really happened they would reject him.  I'm in such a weird place but things at least have improved. Our sons attachment to me has been affected from all the times his Dad has turned on me and transferred his anger onto me instead of facing his issues with his own mother.  My husband has actually reconnected with his mother during our last 2 separations after years of bagging her only because he now demonises me.  Because of whatever he perceives he was denied as a child he can't deny our son anything and runs himself ragged giving him all the attention - he lets our 6 year old son play video games just about every minute of the day on his weekends with him - there's no limits with anything - then when my son comes home to my place with some structure he reacts like a teenager - he's 6 - it's so complicated and difficult but I want nothing more for our family to come back together - it's so hard to be in my position.