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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: How to be a partner when you feel like a parent? Need advice.  (Read 408 times)
bananas2
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« on: January 14, 2017, 03:05:21 PM »

Really need some advice here.
Yes, I know we are supposed to let our partners' deal with the ramifications of their own mistakes. But as many of us know, often their mistakes cause problems that affect us too, and if they don't "clean up their mess," we have to, or suffer the consequences (financial, legal, etc). I liken it to letting a toddler clean up the spill they created in the kitchen. It either doesn't get cleaned correctly or is somehow made worse, so we have to fix it. This leads me to feeling like a parent instead of a partner. I have many friends with special needs children, and sadly, I relate MUCH more to stories about them dealing with their children than I do them dealing with their SO's.
So how do you deal with feeling like you don't have an adult relationship with your BPD partner bc you constantly feel like he/she is your child? I know, personally, for me, it's difficult to feel attracted to someone who acts like my child.
If I'm constantly meeting their wants/needs but they aren't meeting mine, is that even a partnership at all?
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
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Healthy88
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2017, 06:14:41 PM »

Hi. I don't have any great advice. However, I can completely relate to your post. I have missed out on so much of my own life and even some of my children's events or been late to them. In order to stay behind to, either finish getting myself ready, because SO was no help or I was cleaning up his latest disaster.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2017, 06:45:26 PM »

Your thread title caught my attention because that is exactly how I felt with my partner for a lot of years. I have ended the relationship but wanted to give you some things to think about:

First, what are your motives for wanting to stay?

What would happen if you STOPPED parenting him and started having expectations that were in line with what you expect from an adult in an adult relationship? Could you handle the potential consequences? Would it make things better or worse? Ex and I went to one counseling session together and I told her that I viewed him as a petulant child as that was the only way that I could cope with his behaviors. She asked me how I would feel about things if I took out of the petulant child box and viewed him as an adult and treated him as one.

Can you try to see things from his perspective and try to see what it would feel like to have a spouse that treated you like a child? Does he like that you parent him or does he express upset over it?

Do you know what your needs are? I know that I got caught up in the fog and completely lost sight of my needs. The reason that I ask if you know what it is that you need is because you may be able to identify your needs and find other places to get them met that are in line with your values.

Ultimately, I decided that it was NOT a partnership and was not something that I could continue. Ex and I have four kids together. I was spending too much time worrying about him and his needs and not enough time focusing on the kids. It was a really difficult decision to make in the end. In order to stay, you will need to find creative ways to get your needs met and not rely on him.

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Healthy88
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« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2017, 07:59:04 PM »

That was the very first thing that I took away from this site. Someone with BPD will never change unless: 1) they desire to and 2) they get intense therapy and possibly medication. That they are an emotionally stunted child in an adult's body. Something I think I had already concluded unconsciously, but seeing it in writing was a lightening bolt moment for me. It is definitely a sad realization and a loss that has to be grieved, when you realize you may never have an equal partnership with your SO or your needs met. I think that reality needs to sink in before you can even begin to process it all.

Then the weighing begins: does my spouse meet any of my or our children's needs or is all about him all of the time, etc. In my case, he is a wonderful provider, if I keep him stable and guided. In that area he takes responsibility as an adult would. He also works a lot and likes to play, like a child, when he isn't working. I was raised by a very family oriented father so I never understood why my SO seemed to view being with his family as okay, if he has nothing better to do. I didn't realize he was uBPD then.

I now understand that staying with him means I may never have to worry about finances, but in exchange I will forever be cleaning up after my grown child, trying to keep him stable as well as myself and the kids, and accepting that he is not mature enough to meet my emotional needs. I guess that is when one begins weighing the pros and cons of the marriage and family for themselves because no one can make that decision other than each of us on our own!
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bananas2
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2017, 11:33:32 AM »

I brought this topic up to my therapist this week about partner vs. parent. She directed me to research "transactional analysis," which is a theory that all partnerships are based on a fluctuation of relating to one another as a parent, a child, or an adult. The goal, of course, being to relate to each other as adults.
She challenged me to look at not just his "child" role, but my own "parent" role with him. At first, I was defensive, telling her that "if he didn't act like a child, I wouldn't have to act like a parent." Now, after a few days, it has sunk in that sometimes it is MY behavior that causes him to act childlike. I guess I am just so used to having to fix his mistakes so that we both don't have to suffer the consequences. So I am now challenging myself to at least take a look at my own behaviors and search for ways to relate to him on an adult-to-adult level.
Something I found particularly effective with him yesterday was explaining to him that when he acts "adult" (accountable, responsible, etc.) that I am much more attracted to him & want to give him more of my attention. I saw an almost immediate change in his body language when I told him this. His posture improved when I mentioned "adult" and "attracted" and his eyes lit up when he heard "more of my attention."
Hmmm. May be onto something here!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2017, 02:07:33 PM »

I honestly don't know how to even put the adult expectation thing into practice with my H. He has never worked toward a career, does not have a college degree, and he is completely paralyzed regarding what to do next. One the one hand, he wants a house and a family. On the other hand, he can't figure out what sort of field he wants to work in, and he's too afraid to try anything or take a class. I would expect for an adult to move forward with this. Instead, we are living with my parents (temporarily), I'm paying for his food, his insurance, his car. Every time I or my parents bring up the job search, or career path thing, he gets down on himself and feels judged. How to be compassionate and trustworthy to a BPD partner, while giving them parameters for being an adult?

This challenge of not wanting to enable is also compounded by the fact that we are still awaiting his resident visa. I cannot even send him back to his home country to live with his mother and "figure things out" because he is not allowed to leave until he has it. So, if I kicked him out, it would be cruel because he has no friends or family here, and, if he went back to his mother, he would likely not be allowed back in for a while.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
isilme
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2017, 02:21:42 PM »

Excerpt
I guess I am just so used to having to fix his mistakes so that we both don't have to suffer the consequences.

Yeah, for a long time early on I felt it was my job to step in and prevent disaster at all costs, and keep H from failing, whether it was school work, or friendships, I burned that candle at both ends until from exhaustion more than any real insight, I stopped.  I stopped doing his homework.  I stopped looking for jobs for him.  I stopped worrying if he woke up today or not.  It was not a good time.  It was not my favorite time together.  But I guess I realized if I insisted on treating him like a child, he'd always be one and never learn.  His mom did way too much for him, and initially I thought my job was to take over. 

I let him fail out of college.  I "let" him decide to quit a job over someone offending him.  I let him deal with the comments from people about me working full time and him not working at all.  I allowed him to have all those bad feelings, and it was a rough time.  I knew he was depressed, and I knew only he could make the changes needed.  I guess I felt I could tread water for us as long as I could until he decided he needed to kick, too.  So I worked, did what I could to enjoy time with friends, kept the house, kept up with pets, cars, whatever, until he hit a point where he realized he COULD take charge of parts of his life.  I'd say it was about a 1-2 year period where he did jack before he got some sort of drive to change. 

I did not want things to end because when things felt like we were on even footing, things were good.  Both incoming college freshmen with the same worries and concerns, it worked.  Only when I decided to get out of school and go ahead graduate and start working did the imbalance become evident. 

He found a part time job.  It paid decently for the few hours it gave him a week but it got him back on a schedule, got him out of the house, and while it was mostly an afternoon job, he had some structure.  I was not home when he had to go in, and he actually had to walk since I had the car at my job, and he did it.  I think that gave him some pride, and helped him.  Later, he got an opportunity for a full time job, took it, and that again helped him grow up.  Bear in mind this was all before I even knew about BPD.  I'd read a little on passive aggressive behavior, and tried to use some tools to combat that, which helped a little.  He finally decided to finish college.  He bought a house.  He finally decided we should actually get married.  The BPD was there the whole time, and yes, I still liken the emotional responses and outbursts to those of a child, but he has taken on a lot more responsibility than he used to. 

I use the analogy a lot of a disabled spouse to help me not see him as a child so much as someone simply unable to do some things I take for granted.  If he had no legs, he could not mow the lawn.  Yes, BPD is not the same as being wheel chair bound, but is IS an emotional disability that can emotionally paralyze our spouses.  So if H needs to play video games for hours on weekends while I do yard work, so be it.  If I need to be the one cleaning and running errands to be sure they are done, I can usually handle it.  If I lived alone, I'd still do all the same chores, and only a few less dishes or towels would mark the change.  It really only galls me to take care of so many of our responsibilities when he dysregulates and tries to call me lazy for reading a book.  If he keeps those comments to himself, I'm fine.  If he only says it now and then, I can ignore it.  When he gets fussy, and probably is trying to deflect guilt from knowing he does little around the house (but he DOES work his 40 hours and does a good job a work), I come here to vent.  He's as adult as he can be, and I've seen him work to grow a lot in our time together, and I can't discount that even when I'm upset about what BPD encouages him to do.
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Healthy88
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« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2017, 11:10:08 PM »

One common theme I seem to be picking up on is that the spouses with a job, no children and either friends or family nearby seem to do better with handling the situation. I didn't feel my H treated me well before we had kids, but it got so much harder once they came into the picture, for me to deal with him too.
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