I stood up for myself today

[heartandmind]

Hi all 

I have been a longtime member on these forums, but unfortunately lost all access to my password (and email account) so here I am back again.

I haven't been on in a while, but figured I'd check back in regarding the action that I took today... .it was a mighty big one for me!

If any of you remember (though many stories here are nearly identical), my ex wBPD was texting me initiating contact post-break up every few months, but would consistently stop responding a text or two in. She would also initiate activities with me only to become unresponsive when I would eventually follow through to make a plan. She has a history of sporadically disappearing with no warning, rhyme, or reason. Of course, this makes me feel like a fool and sends me into emotional down spins and complete depression. Today I finally decided to stop walking on eggshells and tell her how I feel.

I sent her a text (well, a pretty long one) just detailing to her how her behavior makes her feel and how understanding I would be to anything she had to tell me as to why she takes these actions (I suffer from mental illnesses myself, though not BPD so I get it!) I told her that sometimes when she offers me no other reason for them I tend to think she doesn't have my best interests in mind, though I reassured her that I love her and of course would hear anything different out. I was not the least bit accusatory so nothing that I said could have possibly put her on the defensive and we really do have the most lovely, loving relationship disregarding her abrupt yet repeated radio silence.

I didn't tell her this for such a long time because I am always so afraid of triggering her into running away even further, but as a result I suffer deeply in the process pretending everything is "okay". I can't help but feel that maybe I was a tad bit dramatic and could have played this all off, but it really does upset me when she abandons me and I suppose I have a definite right to share that with her. I guess I'm just tired of being played with, whether intentional or not, and this was a major step for me in terms of setting my own boundaries.

I heard that pwBPD actually do well with strong partners eventually that have clear bounds so hopefully this is definitely a step in the right direction for me. Of course I do hope that this doesn't send her flying too far in the opposite direction forever (I would love to be with her again sometime down the road), but I simply needed to stick up for myself - for once!

Any feedback or similar experiences would be lovely. Thank you for being here as always 

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just detailing to her how her behavior makes her feel and how understanding I would be to anything she had to tell me as to why she takes these actions (I suffer from mental illnesses myself, though not BPD so I get it!) I told her that sometimes when she offers me no other reason for them I tend to think she doesn't have my best interests in mind... .

It feels like you care deeply for each other, but there was a significant incompatibility regarding her addiction and behavior, and you both parted ways because it could not be resolved. You struggled with the how risky her behavior is and want more for her. She didn't embrace that.

I often think when we encounter our exs or soon-to-be-exs and they are inviting but not able to follow it up, that they are very conflicted and it the internal conflict is leaning more toward "don not reconnect". Is it possible that she feels you see through her, its degrading to her, and she prefers to not to be that exposed?

[heartandwhole]

Hi heartandmind,

It can be so hard to strike a balance between standing up for ourselves and respecting the needs of our partners. Especially when they seem to be in conflict. I really understand your wanting to let her know how you feel. After all, your feelings, wants, and needs matter! As much as anyone else's.

I think good boundaries are helpful in all relationships, so I commend you for exploring what yours are in this situation. Over time, getting radio silence when you least expect it can really hurt. I've been there, and it was a bit of a shock to the system, to say the least.

It sounds like you are very close and your partner, for whatever reason, needs to pull back periodically. That puts the ball in your court about how to react. If this is the reality of the relationship at the moment, how do you think you can deal with this going forward, while taking care of yourself?

heartandwhole

[Meili]

 

I want to echo heartandwhole about boundaries being good in every relationship. It took me quite a long time to learn this, I'm glad to see that you are learning it as well.

We do need to stand up for ourselves and make sure that our emotional and mental needs are being met. Parroting heartandwhole again, your feelings, wants, and needs matter! I think that it is essential that the pwBPD know how we feel and what is and is not acceptable. Sometimes that is conveyed by maintaining a boundary, sometimes by rewarding the "good" behavior, and sometimes through direct communication when the pwBPD is not dysregulated.

It sounds like your message to her was not received poorly. That's good to hear. There are communication skills that can help with things like this in the future so that the chances that she will not dysregulate. D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is one.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

Can you see how this technique would help to ensure that you are heard?