Finally Beginning to Understand What's Going On

[Dottie]

I'm just learning about BPD and need to know what a future with my husband will look like. Right now he has decided we are over and will get a divorce but he has threatened that before. So far my feelings aren't considered in any decisions about our family. Do I work on this or do I split our family up? I need to know what life will look like now that I know he has BPD. Our couple's therapist will be conferencing with his private therapist soon to see if it is the correct diagnosis but it sounds spot on to me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Dottie,

That's hard that your feelings aren't considered in any decisions about your family

Did your husband just learn he might be BPD? Or is this something your couples counselor said to you in private?

If it's something your H just learned, and he is BPD, it makes sense that he would threaten divorce. BPD is about fear of rejection/abandonment --he would then defensively try to reject the relationship before you could reject him.

What is your H like? People with BPD are unique, like us   And how we interact with them can make a big difference, so a big part of how things go has to do with your threshold.

Glad you found the site.

LnL

 

[Dottie]

This was brought up only to me so far. The couple's therapist will let my H's therapist determine what we do next.

We have been married for 2 years but he only moved in with me 6 months ago. Things got ugly after that. He gets angry and irritable over everything and throws loud tantrums. He does very well at work and is successful but unhappy. He is always looking for a new religion or spiritual life and jumps to a new one often.

We each have one child from previous relationships that we brought with us. My child is older and experiences all this too.

[livednlearned]

When he gets angry, can you see any discernible pattern that triggers him?

How do you respond when he is angry and irritable?

How is your child doing with the tantrums and BPD behaviors?

It's not uncommon for people with BPD to be able to function at work and be very different in the home. Sorry you have to experience that

LnL

[Lockjaw]

My GF functions well at work, and at home, a lot of the time. Usually our issues stem from something she says that isn't clear based upon what she just said. So I have to keep myself from getting upset and defensive and ask questions in order to get to what she is really trying to tell me.

Once one of these things blows up... .then it takes a couple days to resolve. So its best to try to bite your tongue and see if you can figure out what the issue really is.

[Dottie]

I haven't been able to identify triggers yet but now that I'm looking for them I should.

I usually respond by hiding-going into the bedroom and shutting the door. I can still hear him raging in the other room but I don't have to be around it.

My kid is 11 and he usually hides in his bedroom. He and I have a good relationship and I've always been very honest with him. I've been answering questions he has but mostly he's trying to avoid it also.

[Lockjaw]

When you hide, that triggers their fear of abandonment.

I am conflict avoidant too. I had to set up some good boundaries with mine. 1 is I will not hash out a disagreement while I am working. Period. Nor will I with my kids in the car with me.

The other is I will tell her that I need a break to clear my head. I am overloaded. I will call you later on after I have had a chance to settle down.

Another thing I have learned is that defending yourself is useless. So I say " I can't defend myself". It's so neutral, its hard to argue with, and I am not admitting fault, nor am I blaming her. So far that seems to work pretty well.

I told her this am when we were having a conversation that was going south that I just needed to stop discussing this matter with her. I said, I can only offer you advice, I can't make you do anything. Me debating this further will only make matters worse, not better. And then I said, I am also not mad or upset about it. I can just see this isn't going to end well if I keep discussing it.

Have you asked him when he gets mad and starts "Ok, what are you really upset about"? You need a break in the rant to ask it. That has also worked for me, although I had to ask it, deal with a different rant, ask it again, for about 4 or 5 times.

I have a really hard time. Biting my tongue doesn't come naturally for me. And I don't like double standards, which I think a BP is a master of.

[Tattered Heart]

I told her this am when we were having a conversation that was going south that I just needed to stop discussing this matter with her. I said, I can only offer you advice, I can't make you do anything. Me debating this further will only make matters worse, not better. And then I said, I am also not mad or upset about it. I can just see this isn't going to end well if I keep discussing it.

I love this. I will have to try it.

[Lockjaw]

Oh it got better last night. I only had to tell her 3 times that I needed to go take care of my kids, that I couldn't stand out in my garage and debate an issue with her on the phone, one that wasn't my problem, one I couldn't solve, and one I wasn't going to solve.

Of course I was shunned last night, and so far this am. But that's ok. Beat's an argument that goes on for days.

What I find so odd is, her ex yells, she jumps. The main reason she left him, aside from bud light being his wife, not her. I said as much. She doesn't see it, and you can't tell a BP anything. So... .I just said, you know what, this isn't my problem, so I don't want to talk about it anymore. Nothing is going to change.