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Author Topic: I snooped on his phone - now what do I do?  (Read 426 times)
believer55
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« on: January 15, 2017, 09:12:24 PM »

I’ve been with uBPDh for just over 6 years and we married in November last year. I have read lots of people’s posts where infidelity has been part of the BPD and I have never thought that my hubby was likely or capable of straying. I thought the wedding may help him as one of his main insecurities is me cheating on him and I have had lots of lectures about being honest and faithful and not looking at other men and not flirting etc.

His behaviour has escalated since the wedding to the point he was so foul to me before Christmas I really thought we wouldn’t spend it together. He decided to give up drinking (this has happened before) and it has made a difference. However he began acting very secretive and was making lots of overt sexual inuendos. I did what I never thought I’d do and snooped on his phone.

I have found he is watching daily explicit porn, has downloaded lots of photos onto his phone and most upsetting to me he has loaded explicit photos of his ex (who he says disgusts him) that he took years ago. I know this is not the same as cheating but there is also a pic of a girl he is friends with on facebook .
I feel guilty for looking but now I am filled with despair and so much anger that he has spent years lecturing me about being  faithful and hounding me if he even thought I looked sidewards at another man.

I just don’t know what to do next. Any advice?
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2017, 07:26:59 AM »

I don't have expert advice, and haven't been in your shoes exactly, but perhaps I can share something that may help you.

Porn is so easily available and widespread, that probably a lot of men have looked at it. The concern would be if there is an addiction, or porn is being substituted for a real relationship with your spouse. I also believe that if someone feels they are doing something wrong, there is shame associated with it. Someone with BPD would act out that shame- on someone else.

Drinking is an addiction. If someone gives up drinking, but doesn't deal with the underlying issues that cause the addiction, they may use something else instead- perhaps porn or bad behavior.

But none of this is under your control. You aren't the moral police of him. ( you are your own moral barometer).  His shame isn't yours- it is his to deal with.

Many years ago, I wasn't sure if something was going on with my H. He had painted me black. I wondered if there was someone else.  Bringing this up, questioning him didn't go well. If there was anything going on, I doubt there'd be any admission to it. Also,  by questioning him I played a part on the drama triangle. I could be the bad guy ( persecutor) and that may even let him justify any bad behavior in his part if there was any. One thing that made me wonder was during this time, he was digging up all kinds of things about me- and accusing me of cheating. I have not cheated. It almost seemed as if he wanted to find something, and he would make a lot out of nothing.

I didn't really understand all that was going on, but I did turn to my own faith. My actions were between me and God, so were his. If I had cheated, I would have let myself down, let God down. I didn't want to do this. If he had done something then that was between him and God, for those two to work out.

Time went on, the accusations got less frequent. Over time, I realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of. He can accuse me all he wants, but there is zero shame. If he has any shame for anything- that's on him. The benefit of not cheating is mine. No shame is great feeling.

But there are boundaries. You don't have to be the recipient of his projections. If this becomes a true issue of infidelity, then you can act on that. However, if the worst he does is look at pictures, you may just want to let that go. You can't control that no matter how much you may want to. The ex may just be a visual thing- not her but just a picture he has. The FB person, just a fantasy. Confronting him may just add to the drama.

Focus on you, your feelings, and keep your head high.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 08:08:17 AM »

I know that this is going to be scary and difficult, but I think a hard conversation needs to take place. And the hard part is that it has to start with you confessing that you were feeling a little insecure about some of his behavior and admitting to snooping on his phone, but then sharing what you found. He is going to get angry. And he is going to try to blame you. You will have to own up to your part because he won't be able to move forward with the conversation until you acknowledge your part, but don't get stuck there. You should be honest and share with him how it makes you feel knowing he looks at porn and perhaps even have some information available on how porn affects a relationship.

There are many many resources out there for people who struggle with porn. One of those resources that sounds like it is very effective is called Every Man's Battle and Women in the Battle. These resources are offered at https://store.newlife.com/ There are books and workbooks and even an intensive seminar for men fighting porn and women who's husbands are addicted to porn.
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Five28

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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2017, 02:09:38 PM »

Snooping on his phone? I don't think it would be wise to admit this to him or you'll risk a huge blowout. No one likes to be spied on, and I imagine a BPD would be even more angry than a normal person. I'd refrain from mentioning it, and just keep it in the back of your mind. Most guys view porn and it means nothing, or so I'm told.   
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bananas2
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 04:20:21 PM »

Believer55 -
This is an excellent post & thank you for sharing, since I think it may help several of us who have struggled with this same issue. Hope I can be of some help. I've given my reply a great deal of thought. Here it goes:
Firstly, I'd like to quote the "9th Step" of every 12 Step program (AA, NA, etc). I quote this not bc of addiction issues, but simply bc I know it to be excellent life advice in general: "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." You know that you made a mistake by crossing a privacy boundary. No judgment here, bc believe me, I completely understand why you did, and so do you, but it seems you also believe that you should not have done this. Therefore, I suggest you think it through & decide if confessing to him would help or cause injury (to you, to him, or to the relationship). I am 100% in favor of honesty, but IMHO, I believe that you confessing to this would probably only cause harm & a spiral of mistrust. Remember, this is a person with BPD, who is often highly inherently suspicious of others, so admitting to this might "risk a huge blowout" (to quote "Five28.". But only you know your relationship.
I have a similar situation to you in that I've been with my hub approx the same amt of time, & his true colors only came to light immediately following our marriage. One month after our marriage, I asked him why he only NOW decided to tell the truth about himself, and in one of his rare moments of honesty, he said, "Bc if I told you everything beforehand, you wouldn't have married me. Now that we are married, it makes it harder for you to leave me." I was hurt & angry when he said that, but also then realized what little self-esteem/self-confidence he must have to feel like he had to "trap" some one into being with him. And then it just made me sad for him.
As for the content you discovered on his phone: "Cheating" is what the 2 of you define as cheating. Only you two can determine that in your relationship. Perhaps you can open up a discussion with him (without informing him of what you did) about what you each define as infidelity (a kiss, a flirt, porn, sex?). Personally, I watched a movie with him that involved cheating in order to facilitate a discussion about this.  My own rule of thumb is that if someone is constantly suspicious of you cheating or lying or whatever, it is bc they themselves are doing that behavior and are worried that you will do the same. I always feel that if someone is unjustly accusing you of something, it is bc of their own guilt about doing that exact same thing.
For reference, I am coming from a place where my hub has multiple times snooped my phone, my FB & my email & then of course, lied about doing so, until I showed him the proof. Also cheated on me at least 6 times with prostitutes, including once being with a prostitute while I was in the middle of having heart surgery. So, of course, I've wanted to look at his phone. I never looked at it behind his back, but once asked him to show me his phone content. He pretended he was fiddling with his passcode, while the entire time he was just deleting the content he didn't want me to see. I still ended up seeing a lot of it. That ended up being a month-long argument that ultimately never got resolved.
You have my sympathies but none of my judgment. You are brave & true & obviously a very loving person to discuss this. Please let us know what you decide to do and the outcome (or PM me). Best wishes to you. Stay strong & thank you again for sharing this.
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2017, 05:20:29 PM »

You have to decide what your boundaries are... .I agree about not telling him you looked. If you intend on making things work, it would be best to ignore the whole thing. The problem is when you find things out like this, it's hard to keep your head in the sand. You almost have to hide your thoughts or be accused of being "controlling" because you were looking at his things. He will only put a password on it so you can't look in the future. I would try and work on being loving and kind, so he feels you do love him. Addictions are hard and my ex had all of them. I tended to be very upset by the drinking... .it is hard to hold that inside. We tend to let our resentments show. That's when they decide we must not love them any more. My ex would tell me not to tell him what to do and I had a hard time with it.  When they are trying to quit, you have to try and act like it's a new beginning. Like the past is in the past. Again... .decide on your boundaries... .what will you deal with and what won't you. Then go from there. If you do not want to deal with porn and past gf pics, then confront him. I am not sure it will go well. You can ask him not to have that on his phone, but he may resent you. Porn addiction affects couples in that it becomes harder to have loving relations with your partner when you can see all of the fake stuff on those sites... .It is a slippery slope. I wish you luck with this... I know it is very difficult.
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2017, 05:46:24 PM »

I know this is not the same as cheating but there is also a pic of a girl he is friends with on facebook .
I feel guilty for looking but now I am filled with despair and so much anger that he has spent years lecturing me about being  faithful and hounding me if he even thought I looked sidewards at another man.

 

Don't dismiss yourself by saying it isn't the same as cheating. It doesn't matter if it is cheating or not. When I discovered ex was looking at porn and taking care of himself instead of being with me, it might as well have been cheating. I couldn't understand why he would choose something fake over something real. I felt alone and couldn't really talk about it because people would see it as me being a prude or they would say stuff like, "At least it wasn't cheating." It wasn't about the porn. It was about the betrayal.

Ex spent a lot of time talking about honesty and communication and faithfulness. He was so religious and would talk about his vocation as a husband. It was earth shattering for a host of reasons.

First, there was the fact that he was doing something that he was hiding and lying about.
Second, there was another layer of deception because he had portrayed himself to have such strong values yet here he was doing this stuff.
Third, he dismissed my upset as though I was being unreasonable. I tried to tell him that I didn't have a problem with porn. What I had a problem with was how he was using it and the fact that he was lying about it.

I am not going to judge you for snooping. I have done too much of it in my time because ex's behavior would shout that he was up to something. I could go for years and not even think of snooping. Then, something would change and I would have this gut feeling. I couldn't stop myself from snooping because I had to know what the heck was going on. A lot of times, I confronted him. It did no good. I usually walked away feeling horribly guilty because I had snooped. And, it rarely changed anything. He was going to find a way to dismiss or excuse things.

He stopped looking at porn for a lot of years. He found other ways to check out. He found other things to obsess over and would puff up his chest with pride because at least he wasn't looking at porn any more. At the end, he was chasing women and trying to hook up with women online.

The other problem with confronting him is that it just made ex find more creative ways to look at the stuff. I used to check our internet history regularly and would do a complete sweep of everything on our computer. This was a lot of years ago and we only had one shared computer. I had relaxed and thought that he had stuck to his word and stopped looking at the stuff. It turns out that he found other avenues, like a back room at work, to look at it. It wasn't until he lost his job for looking at it that I realized the extent of his addiction.

There are no right answers with this stuff. There are pros and cons to confronting him. Before making any kind of decision, it might help to do some reading about porn addiction so you can get a better idea of whether what he is doing is in the range of normal or if it reeks of addiction.

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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2017, 08:19:52 PM »

Thank you so much everyone for your posts. It’s so easy to feel alone and with such a sensitive issue it’s hard to find someone who will understand and not judge me or him.

Ambassador I fear he has replaced alcohol addiction with the porn now – as something to take his mind of then negative feelings he gets as part of the BPD. He has great insight into his condition and realises the alcohol was fuelling his rages. He had hopes that stopping drinking would stop h is “dark thoughts” and help him stop taking his frustrations out on me. I feel that when he realised the strong BPD emotions would keep happening he has sought another avenue to give him a “good” feeling to take his mind of his jealousy, his need for control and the anger he feels if everyone doesn’t do things the way he wants.

I am definitely doing a lot of work on my own emotions and behaviour including dealing with the feelings of anger at his double standards – that I am to be the perfect housewife and live up to the expectations that even he won’t follow.
Tattered Heart – I certainly respect and understand what you are saying. I feel the need to talk about this with him and I am fully ready to express my regret for my part in this. When he dysregulates and paints me black he can only ever focus on what he thinks I have done wrong – even if he imagined the whole thing. The funny thing it’s not that he watches it – my ex did the same – it’s the hiding it and also way he talks to me if he even thinks I have smiled at a man during the day. I know if I bring it up with him he will lie and make excuses – his past behaviour has shown me this. It worries me he has replaced one addiction with another and will not even see it as a problem.
Once Had – your post really struck a cord with me – I feel you know exactly what I am feeling. Thank you for your post. Although he has snooped in my phone many times (even to the point I got locked out of my own phone) I never thought I would do the same to him. I did get that feeling of dread that something was going on and even brought up in a conversation about his quitting drinking and did he feel he had replaced it with something else. I mentioned porn and he scoffed saying “never”. That’s when I went to his phone and knew he couldn’t tell me the truth. The worst was the pics of his ex. I know if he even thought I had something like that anywhere he would rage like a wounded beast but for him its OK. I get lectured all the time about how honest he is and how he has nothing to hide and that I should always share everything with him –even though I am the most loyal person he could be with. It just hurts

Herodias and Vortex – You are both right. I have been very good at keeping my boundaries but was not prepared to have to face this one. He certainly does not like being reminded that he has hurt me in the past and I have forgiven him time and time again. He says I am keeping score and will never forget. Yet he brings up things about my past that I have confided in him (from a time we were not together) and he will throw them in my face to hurt me. I know BPDs have grandiose ideas about who they are and I really think he believes he is a much better person than anyone else and that he is above following the expectations that he puts on other people. When I have caught him out before he rages and can not accept that his behaviour can cause me to hurt for a week – I am expected to get over it and be his loving wife straight away. I can not do it this time and he knows something is up. I am trying to act like it’s all OK until I can find the right time to confront him – but could be never.

My cowardly way out is that he will go into a rage in the next week or so – he is due – and then I will blurt it all out. It’s not the best way but at least it will all come out.
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2017, 10:33:08 PM »

It is escapism. he compartmentalises this and it is not a porn vs you competition or even alternative in his mind. To him this is his business and nothing do with you. You challenging him directly will be seen as directly controlling and criticising him, and he will respond defensively, making it hard to go forward.

Telling him you snooped will not just blow up now it will be forever hauled out of distant history as "proof" that you can't be trusted.

On the other hand it does affect you, this is important and you shouldn't ignore this.

In addressing this I would stick to that feeling and avoid being drawn into debate over facts or evidence. That will lead to arguments going down blind alleys.

Stick to I feel this is happening and it impacts me in certain ways. If you feel like you cant live with someone who does this you are entitled to say that is the way it makes you think and it creates issues with respect.

At the end of the day it is his choice what he does, he may take your feelings on board, or he may not. That is his choice. Ultimatums or demands will simply create more conflict and drive it underground. It may be a passing phase, or it may not.

pwBPD often obsess about things for a while only to replace them with something else. "Buzz jumpers". Is there an area where you can both be involved in a more healthy  "buzz' and hence induce him to redirect?

At the end of the day it is about how it makes you feel rather than a real physical or toxic danger. Hence it is as much about you and why you are threatened by it. Some folks would think "so what" others think it an extreme betrayal. This is your choice.

It may help to think about his motivation behind it, rather than your interpretation. Be wary of catastrophizing, not every dark cloud means the sky is falling in, even if it feels like it.
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2017, 06:11:33 AM »

I'll throw my vote into the not telling about the snooping. I think it will distract from the whole idea of clarity, and be used as an excuse to not trust you. I agree with the 9th step idea- to make amends except when it will cause harm to others. I think this applies here.

I agree with Waverider that it is a fantasy, a diversion. I don't know if it will get to a full blown porn addiction or if it is just a way to self soothe. If someone has difficulty managing their bad feelings- they look for ways to take care of that- often an addiction- drinking, spending, porn, gambling.

I do not like the idea of porn and have concerns about porn affecting a real life relationship. I am not naive to that danger. However, I don't think that every person who looks at porn is an addict any more than someone who drinks occasionally is an alcoholic. But someone who has an addictive personality would be vulnerable to that. Another lesson from 12 steps is that we didn't cause this, can't control this, or cure this. I don't know if there is much that can be done to stop this by talking about it. I would suspect your H might just take greater steps to hide it and place you as the persecutor on the drama triangle for snooping.
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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2017, 08:04:09 AM »

Sounds like maybe we all make decisions based on our values.

I can't imagine, using the info as a weapon against him during a fight... .any good will come of it.  I wonder what values are under this thinking.  (Sounds like a good way though to "feel" you will "win" the next fight.)

I also cannot imagine what values are beneath him looking at porn, but accusing you of things.  (But this seems a place for RA of knowing he has different expectations of you than he lives up to.)

In any event, confronting him on it, is likely to have little impact on his values and what drives his behaviors. (As many said) Will he self reflect? Will he evaluate his values and how he is behaving/living them?

I can only imagine him feeling: guilt, shame, outrage
I can only imagine it causing a defensive reaction of more disconnect, more sneakiness.  I don't see where this ends up a self reflective thing for him, or a beneficial thing for either of you.  Maybe it is a way to relief yourself of the guilt of your action or distract yourself from ownership/focus of snooping?  Kinda, the ends justify the means?

Imo... .
Think of it like a police coming in without a warrant.  You know the house has drugs, but legally can't make the arrest based on not serving the warrant.
I just don't think anything useful can be done with this info in how you share it with him, because of how you got it, and because sharing it will not change the underlying thoughts of his that results in his actions.  It is however useful for RA to understand and accept who you are with.

Imo, any expression of the info is really a fight with oneself over not wanting to have RA... .a distraction from yourself.  You cannot choose for someone to stop looking at porn, porn has been his choice, sharing this does not make that harsh reality untrue. 



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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2017, 06:45:00 PM »

Thanks again everyone for your insights.

I understand and respect everyone's opinions. The porn itself does not bother me so much as the naked pics of his ex and the double standards he feels he has to impose on me. I guess I am struggling to deal with my feelings of betrayal and anger and feel the unfairness of me again having to push my feelings aside so as not to upset him. How long can we bury feelings to protect the pwBPD. Of course he has his rights - but then he should accept I have rights too. Its the double standards that get to me the most.

Do others here get lectured - incessant talking - about being faithful and honest even though they have never done anything to cause a lack of trust? I believe it to be linked to his fear of abandonment. I have to promise him over and over again that he is attractive and I don't even so much as look at another man. He tells me I am beautiful and he never looks at other women - but now all I hear from him is lies.

It just creates a feeling of sadness in me that I am having trouble coming out of. I am not looking at this as a practical "porn is ok" issue - rather the feelings I am having trouble dealing with.
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2017, 07:03:24 PM »



It just creates a feeling of sadness in me that I am having trouble coming out of. I am not looking at this as a practical "porn is ok" issue - rather the feelings I am having trouble dealing with.

This is good you realize this, and it is important to simplify it down to how you are feeling, rather than the nuts and bolts of it, as it is too easy to bandwagon side issues into the equation, which will lead to the tangents and distractions you can get drawn into.

He is not making you feel like you are special and the most important person in his life. It is not for you to tell him how to achieve this, only make him aware it is an issue and needs addressing in order to go forward. He is not stupid he can fill the details in himself.
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