My mother has been attempting to ruin my relationships and isolate me

[muff]

Hi everyone,

After much research I'm piecing together the last 50 years of my life. These are things I didn't see until 2 years ago.

My father (a malignant narcissist) divorced my mother (a borderline / pathological liar) in their 50th year of marriage, and my mother came to live with me, my youngest son (12 at the time) and my boyfriend. Within the first week, she was attempting to destabilize my relationships with both my son and boyfriend. My son was staying with his dad for a few months and was due to come back home to me shortly after my mother moved in, but she told me that if my son returned to my home, I would lose my boyfriend. She was splitting (pitting us against one another), trying to control the finances of me and my boyfriend, and lying to us about everything, including silly things. The lying I was familiar with, but the splitting and control seemed new to me and it was confusing. I was close to 50 at the time, and felt my mother was someone I didn't really recognize anymore.

She briefly reconciled with my father a few months later and things eased in our household quite a lot. My father moved in, but the environment actually became less tense and volatile. But a month later, my father died and all hell broke loose. My mother added an intense level of drama to her other borderline traits and began evoking pity from my boyfriend. He would comfort her at all hours of the day and night and I witnessed her on several occasions making flirtatious and inappropriate contact with him. Let's call him Tommy -- my late father's name was Thomas, so my mother started calling my boyfriend Thomas (though he never went by that name and specifically asked to be called Tommy) and she began to attempt to turn my boyfriend into her partner and best friend. This eventually killed my relationship with Tommy as he was always quick to defend her, insisting he wasn't being manipulated. He just didn't seem to see what was going on.

Since then I realize that I never saw her manipulation either, because most of my life I was her golden child (I had no siblings). But when she moved in with us, Tommy became her golden child and I was made into the scapegoat. And of course then I could see things much more clearly. But I assume that it's harder for him to see, being in the golden child position.

I moved out of our shared living arrangement and Tommy and I reconciled for a few months, he moving into my new place, but it was never the same and we could never agree about what had gone on with my mother. I finally asked him to leave and he moved several states away but is still in regular contact with my mother (once or twice a month). My mother denies everything I'm saying here and deflects any attempt to talk about it. And I am just sort of stunned and numb. Not sure what to do other than just heal and try to move forward. My ex-boyfriend still thinks I was cold and heartless to my mother when she was grieving the death of her husband (nobody seems to care that I was also grieving the death of my father) and many of my family members and his family members feel the same way. I have become the outcast and pariah. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Muff:  

I'm so sorry you have had a very distressful chain of events.  It's understandable that you are grieving the loss of your father.  I can see how the way your ex-boyfriend interacted with your mother was disturbing to you.

 My mother added an intense level of drama to her other borderline traits and began evoking pity from my boyfriend. He would comfort her at all hours of the day and night and I witnessed her on several occasions making flirtatious and inappropriate contact with him. Let's call him Tommy -- my late father's name was Thomas, so my mother started calling my boyfriend Thomas (though he never went by that name and specifically asked to be called Tommy) and she began to attempt to turn my boyfriend into her partner and best friend. This eventually killed my relationship with Tommy as he was always quick to defend her

How was your ex-boyfriend with boundaries?  :)id he tend to lack them?  Was he perhaps a people pleaser?

My mother denies everything I'm saying here and deflects any attempt to talk about it. And I am just sort of stunned and numb. Not sure what to do other than just heal and try to move forward. My ex-boyfriend still thinks I was cold and heartless to my mother when she was grieving the death of her husband (nobody seems to care that I was also grieving the death of my father) and many of my family members and his family members feel the same way. I have become the outcast and pariah. Any advice would be appreciated.    

How was your ex-boyfriend's relationship with his own mother?  Could your mom have exhibited something, by idealizing him, that he missed getting from his own mom?  :)id he find your mom broken and perhaps he had a desire to fix her(perhaps it brought out his co-dependent nature)? Perhaps the idealization met some unspoken need that he had?

You aren't going to get your mother to agree that her behavior was inappropriate.  The situation is something you may have to  RADICALLY ACCEPT. The only thing you have control over and the capacity to change, is the way you interact with and react to you mom.  Boundaries are something that will help you.  The boundary you enforced with your ex-boyfriend was a good one. I can see how his behavior (and failure to see a problem) was a deal breaker for you.  Going forward, you will find that setting and enforcing boundaries with your mom will help you keep your sanity.

The links to the right of this post can be helpful for you.  Many of the steps in the Survivors Guide could apply to your situation.  You might want to check them out.

Sounds like you are still painted black, is that right?  It might be interesting if your ex-boyfriend connects with a new partner.  At some point, his new partner may challenge his relationship with your mother.  If he pull back from your mother, you may evolve to "Golden Child" status again.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Some of this happened to me when my father passed away- my mother turning most of her FOO against me- being the poor grieving widow with the insensitive daughter ( me) and nobody in her circle considering that I too was grieving the loss of my father. She even ordered some of them to not speak to me, and they complied.

She wasn't able to turn my H against me, but she tried, and also my kids. She also behaves flirtatious with them- yes, even the grandkids   but fortunately, they didn't pick up on that from an elderly woman- but I don't put it past her to have coerced my H to her side if she could have.

It's mainly triangles to her. The drama triangle- where she takes on the victim position. But the triangulation is a form of immature socializing- that we hope people grow out of. Think of fourth grade girls where two besties gang up on a third and she's out. Normal for that age, but with parent and teacher intervention, they hopefully stop doing in time.

It is a way to stabilize the relationship- two people bonded against a common outsider stick together and don't look at their own issues when there is a common enemy. This idea helped keep my parents stable- they were usually angry at someone else- even one of us kids. My mother would try to get one on one with my kids or my H to tell them a secret about me- a secret the two of them would share. Just like 4th grade.

It astounds me that this kind of thing worked, but it did. Unlike you, I was always the black child, and so being in this position wasn't new. Although as a kid, I was so hurt by this and jealous of the golden child ( a sibling), I actually think it is better to be the black child in the long run. A black child sees things at their worst, doesn't benefit from the attention and idealization, doesn't have the let down when painted black that a golden child might have.

I had to let go of the idea of a relationship with the people she rallied to her side "against me". The people who truly cared about me didn't fall for that- my own family and my fathers side of the family. I am so sorry your BF did this- but truly- it couldn't have happened if he didn't allow it to. I know it is sad, I cried too for the people who I thought would see things as they are, not through her stories, but I had to let them go. Her story and who I am are not the same, and I want people to know me as I am. I hope that you can focus on the people in your life who do love you as you are.

[muff]

Thank you, Naughty Nibbler, for your response and suggestions. I will definitely check out the articles you mentioned.

How was your ex-boyfriend with boundaries?  :)id he tend to lack them?  Was he perhaps a people pleaser?

Apparently he wasn't good with boundaries, though I didn't even know what a boundary was until I started researching all this after moving out. He was a people pleaser, but more the type of man who saves damsels in distress. I was angry about all this, so I probably didn't need saving, but my mother was a weepy victim, so I suppose she was the perfect damsel to save.

How was your ex-boyfriend's relationship with his own mother?  Could your mom have exhibited something, by idealizing him, that he missed getting from his own mom?  :)id he find your mom broken and perhaps he had a desire to fix her(perhaps it brought out his co-dependent nature)? Perhaps the idealization met some unspoken need that he had?

His own mother was also divorced by his father in their 50th year of marriage. Strange coincidence. She might have been a borderline, but I think she's somewhat like me: quiet and maybe a little detached, even cold. My mother, on the other hand, is friendly, the center of attention, flirtatious, laughs loudly, etc. He did make the comment that he wished his mother had been more like that.

Sounds like you are still painted black, is that right?  It might be interesting if your ex-boyfriend connects with a new partner.  At some point, his new partner may challenge his relationship with your mother.  If he pull back from your mother, you may evolve to "Golden Child" status again.

Yes and no. My mother reaches out to me from time to time, but I've been adamantly NC for a year now. I did agree to see her for an hour on Christmas day, and the next day she and my ex were on the phone, I suppose discussing it. (I can see who my ex calls on our still-bundled phone bill.) I remember at one point, my mother approached both me and my ex on the same day (this was before I left) saying if the other moves out, you and I can finally do x,y,z. She seemed to be trying to make us both allies (allies opposed to each other) and I think this was what she did with me and my father. Each thought she disliked the other, but I believe my father finally divorced her because he realized I wasn't the scapegoat, third-wheel he always thought I was. In fact, my father demanded that she disown me, and he said he divorced her because she refused to do that. He then moved away, got a dog and named it Tommy. He claimed it wasn't named for my ex, but for he, himself. He was a very bizarre person who showed lots of narcissist traits.

I'm wondering if my ex's sister might evoke a shake-up in Tommy's role with my mother. His sister immediately "adopted" my mother, took her side, helped her find a retirement community, and joined my mother in "painting me black." And I wonder if Tommy's negative view of me and my behavior, as well as his inability to see what my mother is doing here, might also be due to his sister chiming in and supporting my mother's version of events. The main thing I want right now is for somebody, anybody, to see what is happening here and tell me I'm not the crazy one, and I'm not the villain. A few of my friends and relatives have done that, but what I really want is for my ex to come to that realization. Do you think there's any hope of that?

[muff]

She wasn't able to turn my H against me, but she tried, and also my kids. She also behaves flirtatious with them- yes, even the grandkids   but fortunately, they didn't pick up on that from an elderly woman- but I don't put it past her to have coerced my H to her side if she could have.

It's helpful for me to see that this has happened to other people, too. This is all so new to me. I had no idea this was even a thing that could happen! Everything you said about triangles and immature socializing makes a lot of sense.

It is a way to stabilize the relationship- two people bonded against a common outsider stick together and don't look at their own issues when there is a common enemy.

My ex-BF and I did have a few issues with intimacy that he was avoiding working through, so it's likely that this alliance with my mother allowed him to avoid looking at those issues and problems.

I had to let go of the idea of a relationship with the people she rallied to her side "against me". The people who truly cared about me didn't fall for that- my own family and my fathers side of the family. I am so sorry your BF did this- but truly- it couldn't have happened if he didn't allow it to. I know it is sad, I cried too for the people who I thought would see things as they are, not through her stories, but I had to let them go. Her story and who I am are not the same, and I want people to know me as I am. I hope that you can focus on the people in your life who do love you as you are.

There aren't many people in my life anymore. She did succeed in isolating me from others, but her success didn't come as much from the efforts she made recently nearly as it came from the way she raised me. She had convinced me that people didn't like me, which kept me closer to her. I see that now. But as a result, I have very few close relationships and I don't really know how be someone other people want to get to know. I'm told that I'm rigid and not well-met, that I'm too shy and withdrawn, and I see that these things are all resulting from the fears she instilled in me, as well as her "enmeshment" with me (I read that an enmeshed child usually ends up a loner). My ex-BF was one of the first people in my life I felt a real connection to.

[Notwendy]

I attend a 12 step group for adult children of dysfunction- ACA isn't just for alcohol. Many members share the tendency to isolate themselves. It's one place where they feel understood. Counseling can help also- and then making changes- joining a group- religious, volunteer, a class. It seems daunting but I hope you can take steps to change the isolation.

My mother attracts people who like to rescue others- it's almost as if she and rescuers have some magnetic attraction to each other.  If your BF had this tendency then he and your mom were a match in this sense. I am sorry she did this but it met some need in him too.

[Basenji]

The lying I was familiar with, but the splitting and control seemed new to me and it was confusing. I was close to 50 at the time, and felt my mother was someone I didn't really recognize anymore.

Many thanks for sharing - in my experience you are not alone: my own (separated / latterly divorced since 1968 and probably gender dysphoric) mother (I am convinced she is BPD although never diagnosed) has repeatedly sought to undermine a number of relationships (as one of her many abusive behaviours). My first long term girlfriend was subjected to verbal abuse along the lines that she didn't really love me and therefore shouldn't be taking me away from mother. Another girlfriend was made to be a "non person" by being totally ignored and referred to as "that girl" (refusal to accept her presence or use her name) even right under the girlfriend's nose when present in a social gathering. The list goes on. The recurrent put down has been "oh she's obviously not for you - what was wrong with the last one?" and "oh you don't know what love - not like I do (trying to justify her obsession over the one failed relationship ion her life) - I don't think you've ever been in love".

Once I had realised the pattern (despite not realising she was BPD - that came later) I resolved that I would not put someone I loved into close proximity with mother - easy to do since I moved to Australia and she is in the UK. Obviously, such a solution is not necessarily practical for others.

I had decided years earlier never to have children to avoid them being exposed to her abusive behaviours (or risk inadvertently repeating such trans-generationally).

I also came to the conclusion that any future partner would need to be fully understanding and supportive of the reality of having a BPD parent and my own personal search for freedom from the effects. My most recent partner had herself been abused by her step father so our respective experiences have provided an additional bond between us. A silver lining.

When we braved mother for lunch on a trip to the UK for first introductions, her main preoccupation was how long we'd been together so she could wallow in the martyrdom of having not been told about the relationship sooner. Two hours and we were out of there before the initial pleasantries eroded into the inevitable irrationally abusive comments and innuendos.

I am 54 now. It surprised me how long it has takes to become fully "aware" and secure a positive pathway.

In my opinion boundaries are important in such situations. Once determined those boundaries must be absolute!

Good luck!

 

[muff]

When we braved mother for lunch on a trip to the UK for first introductions, her main preoccupation was how long we'd been together so she could wallow in the martyrdom of having not been told about the relationship sooner.

Oh, wow. These BPDs are so transparent, aren't they? And yet, I was blind to it for... .a long time. My hope is that eventually my ex will see through what she's done to us and come to his senses. But if that doesn't happen, I can't imagine ever introducing my mother to another one of my partners. I suppose in my case that's because, in addition to trying to split us up, there's also a good chance she would hit on him again. Thanks for your story. I'm seeing on this message board that I'm not alone! And that's somewhat comforting.

[seekinglight]

As you are obviously hurt and lonely over this separation, a careful look at why you would like to resume this relationship might be eye opening too.

Trying to keep a hold of someone who perhaps should leave for our growth is a common panic mistake. You are growing in wisdom, let that guide you.