My exBPD broke up with me on Friday, and I am lost...

[throwaway42]

Me and X have only been dating since November 7th, but things moved very quickly but very soon into the relationship I noticed something was very wrong: she often just laid in her apartment with all of the lights off and very rarely did anything beyond sleep and cuddle her cats, and often showered with the lights off... .not normal.

She stabbed herself in the leg in a previous relationship and has a history of self mutilation. She also, in her previous relationship, boarded a plane to a city about 2000km away after a fight with her boyfriend. She has been formally diagnosed with this.

The past two weeks I have noticed that she has been increasingly distant: does not respond to my texts as enthusiastically as she used to, has been sleeping a LOT more, has been "missing" her depression meds more frequently, and I made mention of this a number of times.

On Thursday I told her that, at times, I felt more like I was being treated as a friend than a boyfriend and she said "You're not making me feel very good here... ." to which I responded "Well, my previous relationships ended in an awful way and my brain looks for patterns. I'll work on it." (this really should not have been a deal breaker in a relationship--she often told me that if she had any problems with me that she would tell me so we could work on them).

Fast forward to Friday, she asks if I'm home so she can come and speak to me. She came over with my stuff and said that "It's hard to explain... .but I don't like that you question me all the time. Relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting at this stage and it's just not... .and I'm mentally checked out. I'm sorry."

It came as a shock to me because literally the night before we were talking of Valentine's Day, going to see her parents, and talking of what kind of animals we should get when we live together.

After the breakup I sent her about eight texts that ranged from ":)on't contact me again." to asking her why she made this decision. I went to her apartment to speak with her and she just coldly told me that she didn't want to talk to me. I sent her a message on Facebook saying that when she was ready to talk even if it took her a month to do so, I'd be willing to do so and hopefully repair things if it can be repaired.

She blocked me from Facebook yesterday and untagged herself/deleted all pics of both her and me in them. She never did this with any ex of hers before and I am heartbroken. I just am so confused because she always told me how much she loved me and how she couldn't wait to have kids with me... .and it was literally Thursday night we spoke of an apartment and kids someday.

Are there any chances that she will come back and try to make amends? It doesn't seem good... .but there is still some hope that we can work things out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. These situations can be confusing and hurtful to say the least. If you read and post here, you will probably start to see that your relationship has a lot of commonalities with the those of the other members.

Unfortunately, we cannot say for sure whether or not there will be a chance (or multiple chances) to make amends. We can only tell you our experiences. I was given the opportunity to try to repair the relationship that brought me here, and ultimately other relationships in my life.

There are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD and these have proven successful for some of the members here.
I suggest you read the boards and the articles.  You will get a wealth of information, advice and support.

At this point, it may be best to give both of you some room to breath and self-sooth. It takes pwBPD (people with BPD) longer to do that than others (nons), so try not to get overly anxious if you haven't heard from her in a day or two.

In the meantime, it is recommended that you focus on yourself and learning the communication skills taught here. There are some links to the right of the page that can help you get started.

So welcome! Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support (as I have).

[vanx]

throwaway,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your situation reminds me a lot of mine. It is a shock for sure--and I remember sending out several different kinds of texts myself and just not really understanding what was going on. I can also relate to feeling suddenly blocked out and not being able to talk things through.

Wow ... .Just wow, reading some of the conversations you two had are so similar to what I experienced.  I felt like we had something special where we could talk about anything safely, or if we fought we could work it out, so it was tough to feel shut out all the sudden. I felt like she liked that I wanted to communicate, and then was very annoyed by it.

I know it doesn't take away the pain, but just want you to know I can really relate. It's really tough to have dreams with someone for the future and then to not know where you stand. Your needs are important, so please take good care of yourself in the meantime!

[throwaway42]

throwaway,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your situation reminds me a lot of mine. It is a shock for sure--and I remember sending out several different kinds of texts myself and just not really understanding what was going on. I can also relate to feeling suddenly blocked out and not being able to talk things through.

Wow ... .Just wow, reading some of the conversations you two had are so similar to what I experienced.  I felt like we had something special where we could talk about anything safely, or if we fought we could work it out, so it was tough to feel shut out all the sudden. I felt like she liked that I wanted to communicate, and then was very annoyed by it.

I know it doesn't take away the pain, but just want you to know I can really relate. It's really tough to have dreams with someone for the future and then to not know where you stand. Your needs are important, so please take good care of yourself in the meantime!

It really is a shock... .I had no sense that she actually wanted to break up or that there were huge issues in the relationship especially since she told me that she would directly tell me if there were. All that I mentioned should not have been a dealbreaker for a mentally healthy person--but it is clear that she is not mentally healthy. For me if my partner told me that, at times, I treated them more like a friend than a girlfriend, I'd just explain how silly that was and how I definitely don't see them as a friend and I'll try to work on things. I think what may have been going on is she sensed that a breakup was impending and she wanted to leave before I left her. After I said "you treat me more like a friend than a boyfriend sometimes" she immediately said "You're not making me feel very good here... ." and that was it. Then she broke up with me the following day.

I hope she comes back and tries to reconcile. Even though it was only three months we both felt like it was much longer and we loved each other dearly. She apparently broke up with her first ex boyfriend for two weeks so that gives me some hope that she'll try to make repairs. I miss her.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

[vanx]

I know, man, I hope things work out for you. Definitely take some time as Meili to learn more, so you can be equipped with some tools. It already sounds like you value communication a lot, and this could be a chance to feel more prepared for handling future situations.
I agree with you for sure--it's natural to want some give and take/balance in your conflict resolution, and it may not exactly give you comfort, but you are not alone, a lot of people here have experienced something similar. There were other factors in my situation (my own mental illness), but I'd say the end is when I defended myself against what I saw as criticism and told her I felt hurt when she put me down for not feeling well, since I tried to be understanding of her issues. Mutual support and compromise are important to me in a r/l, and yet now I understand she may have just not been capable of this. It wasn't personal.
You could be right about the breaking up before you can be dumped issue. That seems common. I think Meili makes a good point that taking a little space is important. Another possibility is she could be/have been in emotional turmoil and not understand why herself.
Anyhow, there's no way of generalizing/knowing for sure, but you have a team to supprt you here, and you can be prepared if a reconciliation is possible. Hang in there!

[drained1996]

Hi throwaway42,

Sorry to hear about your difficult circumstances.  I can remember how shocked I was when my exBPDw told me out of the blue while we were on vacation how she wanted to split.  Yep... .like you I was thrown for a loop and experiencing all kinds of emotions.  Meili and vanx have given you some good suggestions and support.  I'll add a little to that from my own experience.  Learning about the illness and all it's nuances helped me understand some of the situations I was facing or had faced.  It allowed me to comprehend when I was dealing with the illness, which would raise my awareness of my own reactions and communications with my pwBPD. 
As has been suggested, focusing on yourself at this time and allowing space for both of you is probably your best path.  We are here for your support. 

[throwaway42]

Hi throwaway42,

Sorry to hear about your difficult circumstances.  I can remember how shocked I was when my exBPDw told me out of the blue while we were on vacation how she wanted to split.  Yep... .like you I was thrown for a loop and experiencing all kinds of emotions.  Meili and vanx have given you some good suggestions and support.  I'll add a little to that from my own experience.  Learning about the illness and all it's nuances helped me understand some of the situations I was facing or had faced.  It allowed me to comprehend when I was dealing with the illness, which would raise my awareness of my own reactions and communications with my pwBPD. 
As has been suggested, focusing on yourself at this time and allowing space for both of you is probably your best path.  We are here for your support. 

Thanks for the response. I am at the point where my emotions are anger mixed with self doubt... .such as "What did I do that pushed her to that point? I must have been too clingy/needy", but at the same time I don't recall being very clingy or needy... .we didn't text much. I had a few episodes of anxiety but nothing major. It was literally Thursday night she told me that she loved me and talked of what I was doing for her on valentine's day, and then bam... .Friday she wants nothing to do with me. I asked her friend how X was doing and she told me "Fine, she just wants to be left alone"... .and I have left her alone since Sunday.

[throwaway42]

She just sent me a Snapchat of her drinking wine... .ugh, I don't know why she did that. I miss her so much.  I am not going to respond, but this hurts.

[drained1996]

I know you're feeling pain... .think you might be able to not check any social media outlets for a couple of days?  Good to hear you are not going to respond right now... .for your own benefit. 

[Meili]

I am at the point where my emotions are anger mixed with self doubt... .such as "What did I do that pushed her to that point? I must have been too clingy/needy", but at the same time I don't recall being very clingy or needy... .

It is entirely possible that you did nothing, directly, to push her away. She may have pulled away because of her own emotions. It is not uncommon for pwBPD to get scared when they begin to feel intimate with another person. The fear of abandonment can cause them to worry that they will be rejected. Have you read the lesson on ]Understanding your partner's behaviors[/u]? There's some great stuff in there.

I really like part about:

The pw BPD is not reacting to the situation at hand - to what's happening then and there and now - but to either something that had happened in the past, or to a kindof ready-reference list of beliefs about the world, which was usually learned in childhood.

Do you think that something like that might be happening here?

[throwaway42]

It is entirely possible that you did nothing, directly, to push her away.

The only thing that I could think of during my time away from her as to why I may have pushed her away is the comment I made about her treating me more like a friend than a boyfriend at times. Previous to that I did question her a few times: ":)id you do this with other boyfriends in the past?" (only about twice I think I asked her that and these were in reference to things she'd say or refer to me as, such as "dude"... .she treated me very chummy sometimes which weirded me out) and a number of times I asked her if her depressive episodes were the result of something I did or how she was feeling towards me. I just didn't really understand her illnesses and I was really making an effort to. Maybe she saw this as lacking confidence and it was a turn-off for her, but I can't see any reasonable person ending a relationship over these things. That was, essentially, her reasoning for ending the relationship: "I just can't handle being questioned all the time... ." (sorry if I am concerned about her well-being and am trying to improve things?), "Things are supposed to be exciting at this point... ." (well the relationship takes two--I tried to get her to go out and do things with me but she was often too depressed to want to go out and do anything so instead I just began going to her place and spending time with her there; often times she would come over and just spend time with me cuddling when she was depressed. She was very clingy when she was depressed.)

Overall I can't think of anything besides what I mentioned that could have pushed her away. All of those things were easily fixable and should not have broken a relationship in which she often said she wanted to get married and have kids... .

She may have pulled away because of her own emotions.

I think this is the case. Often during our short relationship she mentioned that she felt significantly different about me than previous boyfriends because we had a lot in common and I understood her on a level that was beyond her previous boyfriends. She told me she loved me relatively early on and was quite clingy towards me. Maybe she grew attached to me quicker than she did previous boyfriends on an emotional level and this scared her? Maybe it was my comment about being treated more like a friend than a boyfriend that made her afraid of being rejected?

Do you think that something like that might be happening here?

Possibly. Additionally, I understand now that she will not be able to have a healthy romantic relationship unless she gets help for her condition... .and this is going to take years of therapy, which I honestly feel that she will not be committed to (she claims to have "tried and tried to no avail". I feel for her because she is a lost soul... .she made the comment that she was "So mentally broken... .you fell in love with a broken woman", "How can you love somebody who doesn't love themselves?" on a number of occasions.

If she comes back around and wants to make a serious attempt at therapy for herself I am willing to give it a shot and help her through it because, admittedly, I still do love her and believe in second chances. I would support her no matter what. I just don't see this happening any time soon and I have moved on. If she comes back, great... .if not, I am not going to wait around. At least this time when she does I will be better equipped to deal with her illness.

[Meili]

Overall I can't think of anything besides what I mentioned that could have pushed her away. All of those things were easily fixable and should not have broken a relationship in which she often said she wanted to get married and have kids... .

No, I meant that whatever is going on within her likely happened long before you ever met her. Fears that were established early in her development caused maladaptive coping skills.

While it is easy for you to say that things could easily be fixed, it is likely a far different landscape in her mind. We are all unique individuals and handle things in different ways. Some things are far easier for some than they are others. For some people, public speaking is no big deal at all. I would almost rather travel down a slide made of broken glasses, naked, into a pool of rubbing alcohol than speak in front of people because of my fears and insecurities. It's the same type of thing here. For you, it may seem easy. For her, it may be nearly impossible in her mind.

Maybe she grew attached to me quicker than she did previous boyfriends on an emotional level and this scared her? Maybe it was my comment about being treated more like a friend than a boyfriend that made her afraid of being rejected?

Maybe, but you'll likely never know. Trying to know for sure is wasted energy. Things are what they are and that is all in the past. It cannot be changed now. But the future is not written. It's the future that you must look towards.

Also, it's likely that it was not one thing that you did, and probably not something that happened in that moment. That's what I was trying to point out with the link and quote that I posted earlier.


Possibly. Additionally, I understand now that she will not be able to have a healthy romantic relationship unless she gets help for her condition... .and this is going to take years of therapy, which I honestly feel that she will not be committed to (she claims to have "tried and tried to no avail". I feel for her because she is a lost soul... .she made the comment that she was "So mentally broken... .you fell in love with a broken woman", "How can you love somebody who doesn't love themselves?" on a number of occasions.

If she comes back around and wants to make a serious attempt at therapy for herself I am willing to give it a shot and help her through it because, admittedly, I still do love her and believe in second chances. I would support her no matter what. I just don't see this happening any time soon and I have moved on. If she comes back, great... .if not, I am not going to wait around. At least this time when she does I will be better equipped to deal with her illness.
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