shame and more shame

[Hellothere]

hi guys, its been over a couple of weeks ago now that me and a new partner of mine split up (just after xmas).
i will keep it brief but the main reason why we split is she felt i was cold shouldering her because we didnt have sex over the course of xmas night/boxing day. her grandad had a horrible turn and was nearly admitted to hospital on xmas day, i told her she could take as long as she needed with her family as i knew she would need to be there for them. she then came over to mine in the evening and we had a lovely evening together.
however, i woke up in the morning with a real bad hangover and a general sense of unhappyness.(i did try to iniate at night but she said "ive got a thousand things On my mind" and i said "i literally just thought that" and didnt take it any further.)

when she left she asked me what was wrong through text and i told her i was tired, hungover and generally felt wiped out. she was having none of it, she was convinced i "wasnt talking to her because we didnt have sex and i made her feel like she owed me sex".

i tried to reason with her and apoligise for the way i was being, tried to reassure her that it honestly wasnt about the sex and that i just felt generally wiped out.

a few days later I sent her a lovely message reassuring her that i was sorry for being moody and i acknowledged that was something i needed to work on and that i was grateful for all of the effort she had put in with me and my family over the xmas period, all i got back was "what was wrong on boxing day morning, be honest".

over the course of the week after xmas she wouldnt pick up the phone and was only giving me very vague reasons as to why she didnt want to me talk about it. we have now broken up as i couldnt take anymore of her stonewalling me and avoiding me, that and she mentioned how she felt like shed gone from one relationship to another and she needed some breathing space from her ex.

this has left me feeling truly awful as it is the last  thing i expected us to break up over and it has left me with a real sense of shame. my family have said that they know im not that type of person and i do too. she does work with prostitues and social care so a few of my family have suggested that she may have hang ups from the past with these sorts of things, however having said all of that i cant stand the fact that i gave her that impression and cant move on knowing we have left it on such bad terms about those issues.

i cant move on knowing that she thinks so badly about me and all the hard work, love, affection and time i invested into the relationship has ended this way. im so confused and it as left me questioning my character through and through. everyone around me says i just need to "move on" and that "time heals" but its honestly not something im comfortable with to move on from

[IAmIAmIAm]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex also did a lot of projecting, and told me I was angry about things I wasn't angry about. I can't give you a lot of great advice, except to say you deserve to be in a happy relationship.

[ShadowA]

"just move on".

Many people don't realize that BPD people are highly addicting to the point where it's like being a drug addict.
Don't take it personally. The ones who tell you to move on are naive.

I guarantee you anyone who has experienced a BPD relationship will not tell you "just move on".  JS.


Anyways, Yes they work on shame and fear of abandonment.
Yes BPD people will hate us when they smear us black. There is nothing you can do.
You can't beat distortion perspective. The only way that you can is if they do therapy such as DBT and learn to have empathy.

BPD people don't have empathy because they are too focused on their own being. Do not mistake them being very caring at times as empathy, or them apologizing as empathy.

They, I repeat, they do not feel empathy because of their black and white thinking.
Try to learn this, it's hard because they show such a good pleasant side during idolization.
But you gotta accept the truth.

[FallenOne]

I'm in a similar situation as my BPD ex girlfriend broke up with me right before xmas over a trivial argument over lack of sex and me being in a bad mood one day...

Four years together (with a few breakups here and there) and she painted me black over this, shut me out of her life and even went so far as to get a restraining order on me...

How about that?

It's been about a month now... I'm still hurt and confused. I'm forced into no contact through the order. No closure. No nothing... It doesn't feel right.

I'm right there with you on the pain level... Trust me.