Was your exBPD incredibly LOVING & KIND?

[Ru76]

Hi,

I'm about 3 weeks in to my now 'permanent break up' from my ndBPD ex girlfriend.

I have personally labeled her BPD due to the enormous amount of traits she has that would signify this...

A pathological liar (very extreme in some cases), enormous fear of abandonment from me leading to out of control rage, hatred, begging, suicide threats (on many occasions actually taking an overdose albeit a small one), constantly causing conflict with her ex over the child they share, conflict with other people, a lack of 'good' friends in her life, extreme levels of inadequacy even though she's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen (she's an ex model and professional dancer), huge hatred for her ex who ruined her life and told me so many evil things he did to her before our time and during our relationship (none of which were true at all), manipulation of me and my feelings or friendships with other people including my ex wife, insanely jealous and paranoid, catastrophizing when ever we had an argument and going into extreme self loathing believing she was a failure at everything including regretting having her son and how she's not fit to be a mother which would either come before or after a rage in which she blamed everyone else for her problems including her mother or her ex... .

Very tumultuous relationships with her ex's including repeatedly cheating on them, also caught her messaging other men during our time together when we were going through hard patches or small breakups... I still dont know if she cheated for sure but the intentions were there when ever we hit hard times... False pregnancies, false miscarriages, losing or resigning from many jobs over the 2 year period we were together (and apparently before that)... often claiming the boss or coworker was hitting on her (probably to destabilise me?). I've been threatened with false accusations when we've broken up for example that I'm a big time drug dealer (which I am most certainly not!) or her dad is in the Masonic Lodge and will ruin my business reputation in the town etc... I have been blackmailed, stalked, taken advantage of, slandered and lied to on such an enormous scale that the woman i thought i knew was none of the things she told me. Yes she was a model, yes she was a pro dancer, but this is all I know.

She's had me chase down her ex for stealing from her, verbally abusing her, kidnapping her and asking her to marry him in the back of his van during our relationship and breaking 2 of her fingers in the process, treated his new partner with absolute contempt (until she stood up to her the other day and now my exBPDgf is somewhat putty in her hands - for the moment). She is desperate for attention and knows she can have any man she wants yet has such a low self worth and I believe dislikes herself a lot!

She claims none of these bahviours came out until she met me because she was so in love with me, but I know quite a lot of what went on her her previous longterm continually recycling relationship over a 5-6 year period. She never falsified pregnancies or suicides with him though so this perhaps did start with me as she clearly thought I was the pinnacle boyfriend up till now. I am 41 she is 26 and I am mature, experienced and a little better off financially than anyone before. The sex was 24/7 in all of the 2 years. It just got more and more wild and exciting. Her only aim was to please me (but really most likely to please and validate herself?)

I have a question as I am a little confused about my BPD diagnosis (which I've only ever disclosed on this site and not to her or anyone else):

I never could trust her and yet I wanted her so much and for that trust to come back. She will be my most memorable gf to date and would have wished above all that I could have fixed the problems and been together till the day i died... However with such a string of lies and inconsistencies (also she believes the son she has with her ex is not even his! but someones at dance college where she trained - I have seen a photo and I believe it too), terrible hateful outbursts when threatened with rejection from me... I could not ignore these and take the risk. I never allowed her to live with me and kept putting it off. I turned down her countless marriage proposals. This I felt kept her on the 'chase' with me so I have never yet experienced the 'attachment fears' that so many talk about. Could this be because I always maintained the upper hand and didn't allow her to get fully attached despite her desperation to do so?

What she did do in relation to that is when I was asking to be left alone to work she would simmer and stew in her loneliness at home and panic all the time that I just dont want to be with her and thats she's getting in the way. This would then turn to her saying i treated her like just a piece of sh1t on her shoe and that I never cared or wanted a future with her. I would ignore this and then the phone calls would start, one after the other... .I still ignored. Then when we did speak it would a horrific argument where we'd split up before either her coming round or phoning me begging and pleading and then finally the suicide attempt in which she would usually either let me know she was doing it or let her mother know who would then of course call me and we would all go round and 'fix' her and that always meant me getting back with her. She would then apologise and hold me tightly then we would have sex and the whole thing is forgotten (well not by me of course - i hadn't even ended the relationship really, just didn't pander to her push - pull routine) I always called her bluff!

She even went to hospital in an ambulance 5 times with me for serious pain and even had an operation based on a lie about pain with her reproductive system. All of these occurrences happened immediately during a near or actual breakup and her feeling I was abandoning her... I loved her and cared for her but can I respect any of that? Being blackmailed into staying with her. In truth i probably wanted to stay wth her. She was everything to me including my worst nightmare, but also my biggest dream.

She literally hates me now. Absolutely hates me. I broke it off 3 weeks ago and she did the usual begging and suicide threats but I stayed away... .then after a while i visited her and called her numerous times to see how she was and she has turned the tables on me and broken it off with me instead as I showed my weakness in visiting her and us still both saying we loved each other was just the point she needed to tell me to leave her alone for good... She now blames everything on me and I am being painted black to everyone... .I havent even given her the intention i actually wanted her back... .secretly deep down I do sadly which kills me... .this is the longest our breakups have gone and many people have got involved on both sides now and have supported us in staying away from each other.

The upside of our time together during the entirety of our relationship is that I was an absolute King! She loved me and doted on me... worshipped the ground I walked on. She was obsessed with me sexually and craved me on any level. I was blown away, yet still kept my protection up and her at arms length much of the time due to not being able to trust anything she says... The only time all of the above serious incidents happened was when she got jealous of my ex wife (mother of my kids for example), another woman or when we had a small row... thats when the abandonment fear would raise its head and she would say horrible things and that I didn't care and then would get out of control and in doing so she would hate her behaviour so much she would get even angrier and even more out of control, have a panic attack, break things and literally needed to be pinned down on a few occasions to stop her running out into the street half dressed until I could get her mother round. Some of these occasions she had swallowed pills and I couldnt let her out of my sight in case she became ill or worse. Yes I still never called police or an ambulance for fear she would lose her 6 years old. It was always a 'threat' and never consumed enough pills to really damage her. She would corner me in the house and be abusive in these rages, take my car keys if i tried to leave and when i did leave she would hang onto the side of my car... It was scary


Many on here say that they were 'belittled' and put down all the time by there BPDgf but mine never did that? She only always bigged me up and told me how wonderful I was at everything. The only time she was horrible and derogatory about me was when she was in a rage... .

... .Does this still sound like BPD? or could it be that she has BPD but because I always maintained the upper hand and she was unable to get me to commit my heart 100% therefore delaying the attachment fears and withdrawal and therefore not putting me down during peacetime... Or is this the way it works with most of us sufferers?

We were due to be moving in together next month in my new house and I fear that maybe then and once the ring was on her finger she would have done the attachment fear thing I have read about but not yet seen with her...

Surely all the other traits are red flags? She did calm some of the episodic attacks down as far as frequency goes after going on antidepressants (which she blames me for) but ultimately when the sh1t hit the fan it always ended up the same place...

These are by no means scratching the surface of the behaviours I had to experience. One thing that was constant throughout, whether we were happy or unhappy were the pathological lies. That was throughout even by her own admission when I was able to obtain evidence to show her... in which case she confessed to many other - all as she explained were designed to keep me and not lose me... ?

Regardless of all this now, she simply hates me now and I am now the new object of all the things wrong in her life, not her evil ex before me...

No closure, just hatred and hostility despite by attempts to wave a white flag...

Would love your views on any of this in particular the last questions? 

So glad I found this site and have learned so much. Wish I had read all this before and then I could have just left the relationship from a stronger position and gone NC instead of weakening my position and being screwed over...

Thanks for reading my long post and good health to you all 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ru76,

It's natural to have these kinds of "if only" thoughts. So many of us have been there, and it takes a while for that to settle down. I really understand where you are coming from—it makes sense, given what you've been through.

We aren't professionals here, and no one can diagnose over the Internet, as you know. The behaviors you describe do sound like what so many of our members have been through, though.

And putting all labels aside, the behavior speaks for itself doesn't it? Perhaps you couldn't fully give your heart despite her over-the-top pleasing behaviors because a part of you suspected that it was unhealthy? That it was perhaps based on a very primal need to secure an attachment, and not coming from a secure, loving, mature adult who wants to share a life with you?

I'd say it comes down to what you want and need in a relationship.

And to answer your question: the pwBPD I was in a relationship with was very loving, kind, respectful. He never raged at me. He was very remorseful when he did things that hurt me. A pwBPD is an individual and unique as any of us, with wonderful, lovable qualities. In my case, pwBPD was very often "taken over" by the symptoms of the disorder. It was sad for both of us. I have hope for him, though, as he was working really hard at finding ways to manage the symptoms and his behavior.

heartandwhole

[FallenOne]

Mine was the most loving and caring person I have ever known... .when I was being idealized or painted white... .

When I wasn't in an idealization phase or being painted white, I was the worst person in the world and she was the poor little misunderstood victim... .

[Ru76]

Thank you again for your comments Heartandwhole and to you FallenOne

So good to read replies!

Heartandwhole - you are spot in that regardless of labels, these are still not good behaviours and if a psychologist rounds up all the traits I have mentioned and labels them BPD or not I guess its only relevant in whether one is just something that is a phase of bad behaviour based on her love for me and the other is one that essentially will be an ongoing problem for them unless they have longterm therapy... This is the thing really... .would she have changed or would she have been a constant crazy. I was so tired of coming back to the same place time & time again over 2 years that I just became exhausted, disillusioned and terrible insecure in my future with her...

All she ever claimed was that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, be my wife, have a baby together etc... The main reasoning for the baby with her was as she put it, she wanted to give me what my ex wife gave me as i had 2 children with her. She felt inadequate that she had given me nothing (marriage or a baby) that my ex wife gave me... it was more to secure me I think.

Unfortunately she tried the last 2 years to get pregnant by me without my consent. Continually lied about various types of contraception she was using often going into great detail! Only to discover she had taken none at all... After sex I would sometimes come back from the bathroom to find her with her legs lying up again the wall or she would pretend to be stretching by lying down and lifting her hips up high. She couldn't believe it when I said I knew what she was doing! Pretty naive really... she forgets I've helped create 2 babies wth my ex and also had 2 miscarriages with her... I was on to her properly then despite me telling her I was not interested in having anymore but that if she persuaded me then the relationship needs to be strong and grounded and secure... .which it wasnt... Very devious I thought.

FallenOne -  Can I ask what triggered the bad side of her? My exBPDgf was triggered by most rows that we may have created either together for silly things or her insecurity to do with my past with other women (mainly my ex wife). It normally always boiled down to inadequacy or fear of rejection and the she would test me my calling it quits or pushing me away and saying some rather choice words in the process to make it look like I never cared about her, was just using her, that I just wanted someone else and not her etc etc... then we she has finally gone, the hate texts followed by the begging calls, then the I Love You calls - please dont do this to me, I cant bare it calls - then if I ignore she goes back to hateful pushing away texts and then begging texts and calls again... just so exhausting. I could never even think about what it was I really wanted myself because when I finally had some thinking time I would get the suicide threat, have to go round and then nurse her back and before you know it we were back together in each others arms - another 24hrs of drama and no work done (I'm self employed and its been a nightmare to my business).

So tired... .feel so guilty now for giving her these apparent reasons to hate me so much as she genuinely believes I'm evil - which really hurts because I still want her and know that I shouldn't... Proper mind-screw!

[Ru76]

... .also if anyone thinks this behaviour is eerily familiar but has not energy to reply please just simply say "Aye!" and put me out of my misery of questioning myself continually...  

[kahlersj]

Ru 76, I'm sorry.  You could be describing my ex and myself in what you've written.  What is especially hard for me is that I had known my exBPDgf since we were in 6th grade, had been/remained friends through the years, and then became romantic in our mid-40s.  Meanwhile, she had a horrific ex-husband who she just recently finished yet another round of legal issues with yet again. 

I, too, am struggling with the same things you're struggling with.  I have loved this woman for years as a friend and then as a SO.  So for me, an attempt at getting back together is because I would prefer to see her on a path to getting well.  The logical side of me says to simply keep my distance while I'm afforded the opportunity.  My heart tells me to help her.  For now, I want to follow my heart but don't know how to do so.  I don't know if she'll respond to any type of re-engaging, or how I'd go about it.

I wish you the best.  Take care of yourself!

[FallenOne]

FallenOne -  Can I ask what triggered the bad side of her? My exBPDgf was triggered by most rows that we may have created either together for silly things or her insecurity to do with my past with other women (mainly my ex wife). It normally always boiled down to inadequacy or fear of rejection and the she would test me my calling it quits or pushing me away and saying some rather choice words in the process to make it look like I never cared about her, was just using her, that I just wanted someone else and not her etc etc... then we she has finally gone, the hate texts followed by the begging calls, then the I Love You calls - please dont do this to me, I cant bare it calls - then if I ignore she goes back to hateful pushing away texts and then begging texts and calls again... just so exhausting. I could never even think about what it was I really wanted myself because when I finally had some thinking time I would get the suicide threat, have to go round and then nurse her back and before you know it we were back together in each others arms - another 24hrs of drama and no work done (I'm self employed and its been a nightmare to my business).

It was really difficult to tell what could trigger her... It could have been anything and the causes were sometime so subtle or outside of my control that it was impossible to avoid her triggers. It could have been the way I worded something, a specific topic, anything where she felt like she was being blamed for something, anything where she felt like she was responsible for something. Things that reminded her of bad past events also triggered her... If something reminded her of a mistake that I had made in the past, that upset her at the time, she would be triggered over this, and depending on the severity of it, it could have just caused an episode or an argument, or she could have painted me black and left because of it...

[GlennT]

    "Now look into my mirror and see how I transform your efforts into wonderful elaboration". These words, by the great British Psychologist C. Bollas in his book "Hysteria", describe for us the person we knew, performing their idealization "act", in the early days. Although the person with BPD may not think they are acting, it is fake. This "Mirror Mask" (common interests, feeling the same, etc.), is made of fools gold, and they use it with everybody they get involved with. This is what they do. This gaze, immediately puts nons under a spell, in which we are loving in real life, but BPD people are on an never-ending quest to get people's hearts. They are reaching for a fantasy, perfect lover, with a heart of pure gold. But no, one, mere, mortal, will ever be able to fulfill their endless need for love and attention, and I believe, subconsciously they realize this. Thing is... you returned real love, for BPD love, which is psychopathic love. The intense gaze of pure love in the mirror, cannot last, even for nons. BPD's dream of ideal love cannot last. When reality happens, they get angry,  leave, or linger on and manipulate you to leave. Idealize, devalue, discard.  

[ShadowA]

Mine was, as she was a waif.

[Keef]

... .also if anyone thinks this behaviour is eerily familiar but has not energy to reply please just simply say "Aye!" and put me out of my misery of questioning myself continually...  

AYE! ... .although including emotional abuse in sheep's clothing ... plus a whole lot more

[FSTL]

Mine once told me I was "the most evil person she had ever met" and a week later she was crying about how good I was to her.

When we broke up I "didn't get her" and when we had make up sex "I really got her more than anyone else". No one her age got her (I am 47, she is 27) and she could only be within an older guy, until she cheated on me with a guy her age because it was less complicated.

They do whatever their feelings tell them at any particular point of the day.

Don't take any of it personally... .harder said than done.

Mine could be very loving and kind, but only when she was lucid or was just in the mood because of her feelings. When she was wound up tight, she couldn't be anything to anyone other than herself. So love and kindness were impossible.