Trapped by finances

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Our marriage is over. I have forgiven her, though its still a lot to process the level of dishonesty and betrayal. Now, I just need to do damage control, which is divorce and separating the finances. Also trying to reverse the effect of manipulation in our two teenage children. I have always been employed, loyal and dedicated. I have paid 90% of all the bills for 17 years, and she expects that I will keep doing so, while she borrows money from people and opens lines of credit. I'm having difficulties getting any assistance with the costs of mediation, attorney consultation and/or filing for divorce. Are there emergency resources for people like me? Help!

[Navin]

Our marriage is over. I have forgiven her, though its still a lot to process the level of dishonesty and betrayal. Now, I just need to do damage control, which is divorce and separating the finances. Also trying to reverse the effect of manipulation in our two teenage children. I have always been employed, loyal and dedicated. I have paid 90% of all the bills for 17 years, and she expects that I will keep doing so, while she borrows money from people and opens lines of credit. I'm having difficulties getting any assistance with the costs of mediation, attorney consultation and/or filing for divorce. Are there emergency resources for people like me? Help!

[ForeverDad]

I believe that once the divorce is filed that stops some of the bleed, the parties are not supposed to create any new marital obligations.  Of course, that won't mean anything to your spouse, so do get solid legal advice in multiple lawyer consultations.  (Inexpensive or free consultations, the retainers kick in only when you select one.)  Take advantage of notes, there's no way you can (1) remember to tell the lawyers all the issues off the top of your head and (2) remember everything the lawyers say.  Another advantage of meeting the lawyers is to determine which one might be best for you.  You won't want the standard forms filing, hand holding lawyer who figures everything ends in settlements with a couple sessions.  You'll need a proactive, assertive lawyer who has real workable strategies for your state and the local court and is experienced with 'acting-out' (flying monkeys) spouses and can handle trials.  Though as peer support we've "been there, done that" and have immense collective wisdom in these matters, fairly good with what usually works and what usually doesn't, we're not lawyers and can't give legal advice.

Get SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It's just about the best handbook to educate us on risks of allegations, separations and divorces.  There are many pitfalls and gotchas that can get us nice and reasonable people into huge problems or add to them.  Court is a judicial system, not a justice system.

What specifically are your most urgent issues?

As for the spending you mentioned, it would be best to have your paychecks go to a personal account and then you dole money out from there to pay bills or make some available to your spouse.  Close any joint credit card accounts.  The only way to actually control credit cards is for you to be the account holder then maybe she can be a card holder with a low $$$ limit. As I said above, I don't know if you can stop her opening accounts before filing for divorce, but if she does then make sure you don't add your name to them!  After filing then you can take the stance that her debts are hers alone.  It may not work fully but it's a good policy to have.

[livednlearned]

If you have a home equity line, that is another option -- my L actually suggested I draft mine to the max so that I had some leverage and/or negotiating power, and also to prevent ex from accessing it.

In my state, any credit card charges after the DOS (date of separation) is not considered marital debt, though things can and do get a bit mushy when spousal support is factored in.

I took out of all our savings preemptively and used that to pay off his portion of credit card debt, also advised by my L, so that I did not have to wait for him to do the right thing. It played out a bit messier than that, but in the end I was able to remove him from credit cards with zero balance (one in particular had a good interest rate if needed... .).

If you don't have $ for a lawyer, you can still consult with 2 or 3 -- ask them a series of questions. People here can help you think of things to ask. You'll get different responses, but it will give you an idea of different strategies you might consider, and a sense of what is/is not good advice. If you cannot get legal aid, you may have to borrow money for a retainer. Then see if your L's office will do a payment plan once you've gone through the retainer and have established yourself as an upstanding guy good for your word.

Sorry it's come to this for you.  From a financial perspective, marrying my ex was by far the worst investment I could've made, during the marriage and after. He was an impulsive spender on big ticket items, terrible with his money, and then managed to cost me in divorce equal to what he paid me in alimony and child support.

You will get through it, people always seem to find a way.

LnL