BPD and the Package Deal

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister has BPD and has lived alone for the last 7 years. I should add that my parents paid for everything. She lost job after job and went through serial boyfriends, addiction shoes and drinking.  She got beat up by her boyfriend and now is living at home. My father is in denial. My gsndmother enables her antics. My mother has given up. My Dad has been trying to save her and has now decided that my sister is too fragile to stay on her own (she is not) so my parents won't leave her alone in order to visit my kids... .their only grandchildren. This means that every time my parents come to visit I either have to invite her or only get one of them.  I don't trust my sister around my young children and am not sure what I can do, if anything, to have my parents have a chance to enjou their grandkids. When my sister comes, she makes it all about her and I fear for my kids' safety. I also don't want my sister to be around my kids and have influence over them. How can I get my parents to understand my perspective be there for my children without my BPD sister tagging along for every visit, vacation and event?

[Anonymous99]

My sister has BPD and has lived alone for the last 7 years. I should add that my parents paid for everything. She lost job after job and went through serial boyfriends, addiction shoes and drinking.  She got beat up by her boyfriend and now is living at home. My father is in denial. My gsndmother enables her antics. My mother has given up. My Dad has been trying to save her and has now decided that my sister is too fragile to stay on her own (she is not) so my parents won't leave her alone in order to visit my kids... .their only grandchildren. This means that every time my parents come to visit I either have to invite her or only get one of them.  I don't trust my sister around my young children and am not sure what I can do, if anything, to have my parents have a chance to enjou their grandkids. When my sister comes, she makes it all about her and I fear for my kids' safety. I also don't want my sister to be around my kids and have influence over them. How can I get my parents to understand my perspective be there for my children without my BPD sister tagging along for every visit, vacation and event?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Anonymous99:   
I'm sorry about the situation with your sister and family.  It sounds very frustrating.

She lost job after job and went through serial boyfriends, addiction shoes and drinking.   

Is the reference to "shoes" a typo?  You say she has a drinking problem.  Is the other addiction to "shoes", as in perhaps excessively purchasing shoes?

My Dad has been trying to save her and has now decided that my sister is too fragile to stay on her own (she is not) so my parents won't leave her alone in order to visit my kids... .their only grandchildren. 

What are the behaviors your sister exhibits that you think lead your dad to believe your sister is too fragile to stay on her own?  Is your sister getting any treatment, meds or therapy? 

How can I get my parents to understand my perspective be there for my children without my BPD sister tagging along for every visit, vacation and event? 

Unfortunately you can't change either your sister or father.  You have set a boundary for the safety of your children and that is understandable and prudent.  All you can do is let your parents know how much you want them to be a part of their grandchildren's life (without your sister, in her current condition).  You can't change your dad or your sister.  All you have power over is your boundaries and how you interact with your family and react to your family.

Have your parents tried some therapy, in order to gain a common strategy for them to use in regard to your sister?  If your sister refuses to get treatment, and your father continues to enable her, there isn't much you can do.

[Anonymous99]

I apologize... .shoes was a typo. It should've said drugs. I have no idea what makes her more fragile now. She got beat up by a boyfriend and my parents had to move her cross country, but she's the same person she's always been besides that. My parents do everything for my sister and have done everything in their power. They sent her to Menninger,  they've seen countless experts, bought her everything under the sun to help her cope in the past, to include a dog, a horse, her own apartment, etc. My sister is a master manipulator and the only thing that has ever worked is tough love, but my father thinks taking her out to lunch to have a "conversation" with her about her attitude is working. It isn't. I have suggested countless strategies such as earning charts, etc. to help her learn how to live, but my father just walks away because he doesn't think I have my sisters best interest at heart, even though I do. He feels I am too tough on her. I am trying to figure out what the right balance is with regard to visitations, but thank you for taking the time to write. You are correct... .I can only control my own boundaries.

[piglet59]

I originally experienced some of this with my sibling.  Over time my parents got wiser and made time for my family without my sister but there were many times when my family, children and husband did not get to spend time with their GP'S.
There is a certain sadness in protecting your own family and losing out on extended family.  Educating parents is key, whenever a disabled adult child takes up all the relationships time, requesting a balance is yours, creating the balance is your parents.