Has anyone found someone new?

[MiserableMostly]

Week 5-6 of NC and it's surprisingly been the roughest week so far. Not sure if it's because it's all finally sinking in, but I find myself returning to the 'dreaming of her' stage and the constant feelings of emptiness.

But the biggest thing that's holding me back is that I just have no hope, absolutely no hope of finding someone better than her. All the things about her that were great that made me fall in love... .I haven't found that in all my dating in the last ten years. And I get it... .maybe a lot of that was mirroring, that wasn't actually her, she was faking. That's all fine. But STILL it's been ten years. So if she wasn't real, does that mean that no one exists that I can fall in love with that actually loves me back? It's not like I haven't been looking and putting myself out there.

So my question is: Has anyone actually gotten over their exBPD and then found someone new that actually trumped what they had? Has anyone moved on and found love more lasting and powerful? Has anyone found sex that was more invigorating and exciting? Was the BPD relationship the best we're gonna get? Is the next thing just going to be a consolation prize, albeit a more consistent and lasting one?

***And I know. In reality the relationship WAS NOT good. So how could it be the best? But for a while it was that good. And I did FEEL that good for a while. So my question isn't: When will I realize that my old relationship was bad. It's has anyone found something new that was just as good.

[love4meNOTu]

The answer to all of your questions is yes. One year and one month after it all ended, I met the man I've been with for almost three years now.

I am content, and we are making plans to marry next year.

My divorce and subsequent losses made me into the woman I am today. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.

[joeramabeme]

Hey Miserable Mostly

Good questions, will give my honest answers.  First off, no, I have not found someone that rung my ringers like she did.  It has been 1.5 years for me.  Also, I have made a conscious decision not to date alot b/c I know my heart was not available.  

I recently had a conversation with a women friend that I was saying all this to and after saying all that she said; did you just tell me your heart is not available but you are wondering why you havent met anyone you fell in love with?  The obviousness of her question hit me like a brick.  (did you feel a thud?)

But the biggest thing that's holding me back is that I just have no hope, absolutely no hope of finding someone better than her.

Yes, hope is hard to come by in the beginning because the wound is fresh and has not had time to heal.  You are being a bit hard on yourself, it has only been 5 weeks!

And I get it... .maybe a lot of that was mirroring, that wasn't actually her, she was faking. That's all fine. But STILL it's been ten years. So if she wasn't real, does that mean that no one exists that I can fall in love with that actually loves me back? It's not like I haven't been looking and putting myself out there.

I personally do not see it as "faking", it was real for her - when she felt it.  Yes, love is hard to find, but it may also be worth considering that there are things about who we are that are in the way of us meeting and falling in love with a partner that loves us AND is good for us.  

So, no it does not mean that no one exists for you, rather, it may be a function of who you are picking.  Have you had any experiences where someone fell for you, but you did not fall for them?  

So my question is: Has anyone actually gotten over their exBPD and then found someone new that actually trumped what they had? Has anyone moved on and found love more lasting and powerful? Has anyone found sex that was more invigorating and exciting? Was the BPD relationship the best we're gonna get? Is the next thing just going to be a consolation prize, albeit a more consistent and lasting one?

I don't think the next thing is a "consolation prize" as much as I hope it will be a romance that is more grounded.  If you are like me, I came from a home with a lot of adrenaline and chaos.  Love = excitement.  I certainly met and dated my fair share of "nice women" and remember feeling bored.  I am older now and that is far less true, yet, our origins tend to be places from where we form our ideas of what "love" looks and feels like.

I guess in summary, I am asking you if your idea of love involves a certain degree of exciting dysfunction?  And if it does, this may be part of the answer to finding a more enduring love, even if it is not as "invigorating, powerful and exciting".  What do you think?

[FSTL]

I have met other women - most as good looking as my BPDx, although possibly not as sexy. None cheated on me, lied to me or gave me any reason to doubt them.

Yet I would still take my BPDx back... .until I finally accepted she is a compulsive liar who can't help herself when she cheats. It is patholigical.

I am seeing an amazing girl now - incredible in bed, good looking, very nice... .and yet I can't get excited about her (she is very keen, it makes me uncomfortable) and still prefer the life I had with my BPDx. I just know I can't go back there, and am trying to push through with the amazing girl I have now.

[anothercasualty]

I guess in summary, I am asking you if your idea of love involves a certain degree of exciting dysfunction?  And if it does, this may be part of the answer to finding a more enduring love, even if it is not as "invigorating, powerful and exciting".  What do you think?

I definitely have had this issue in my past. I was truly bored by the one woman I should not have let go. But, these struggles have made me who I am. I need to embrace that.

Have you been able to retrain yourself to feel comfort with a "nice" woman, Joeramabeme?

[Aesir]

The wounds are a bit too fresh for me to really want to think about dating someone else. Honestly I'm not interested in dating or being bothered with it right now. I see a lot of attractive ladies in my area but that's just it, they are simply there.  I need to work on myself and heal.

[hurting300]

Yes I have met someone new. We have been together for a year or a little more. I wouldn't ever take my ex back and if I did I'd definitely deserve the abuse. The woman I'm with now is amazing. Look to the future.

[MiserableMostly]

I've gone on dates already with some really good, attractive, nice, normal women that normally I may have been excited about dating. And yeah, they were into me. I could have continued pursuing them. One person I kissed and felt nothing and that really bothered me. I just didn't have the same spark that I used to have. I wasn't excited I didn't have butterflies in my stomach. It was just kind of mechanical.

And that worried me. Like I'm ruined forever. Like I'll never feel that again unless the girl is crazy and will hurt me. I just don't have any hope. And I can't tell if I feel this way because I'm not ready for love because it's been too soon OR if it's because I'm messed up forever.

I also feel like a huge loser for sitting around pining while my ex is living her life just fine with my replacement. And Valentine's Day is coming up and then my birthday and it just seems so hopeless and daunting right now. I can't get relief.

[blanchard]

You asked: "So my question is: Has anyone actually gotten over their exBPD and then found someone new that actually trumped what they had? Has anyone moved on and found love more lasting and powerful? Has anyone found sex that was more invigorating and exciting? Was the BPD relationship the best we're gonna get? Is the next thing just going to be a consolation prize, albeit a more consistent and lasting one?"

Yes, and by many orders of magnitude.  An easy thing to accomplish when you consider that the distance between PD and Normal-relationally-is measured in Astronomical Units. 

During the fleeting moments that I spend thinking of my BPD ex, it is with an almost suffocating regret; a regret that I didn't extract myself sooner. 

Life on the other side of the BPD relationship dividing line is pretty sweet, my friends.  It's yours for the taking, and all you have to do is to leave all this BPD nonsense behind you, and never look back. 

[Tallie]

Yes, around 6 months after strict NC I met someone who I have been seeing for 6 months now. I find myself alert to red flags and fairly guarded but she seems to be a normal person who has flaws like the rest of us and accepts my flaws too. I think that as time goes by, I am more open to all that my new friend has to offer and I know now I dodged a bullet with my uBPDxgf.

Over Christmas, there were some legal emails my uBPDxgf needed to reply to in relation to a property we lived at together which she won't reply to. It's holding up a refund of money I'm entitled to but I refuse to break NC because I know it will not be good for me. I'll get the money eventually and I finally feel free of any need to engage with her because I have someone in my life that is the anthesis of her.

My advice, wrt dating is to be careful but be brave too- there are people who deserve you and who you deserve out there who will treat you well.

[michel71]

And that worried me. Like I'm ruined forever. Like I'll never feel that again unless the girl is crazy and will hurt me. I just don't have any hope. And I can't tell if I feel this way because I'm not ready for love because it's been too soon OR if it's because I'm messed up forever.

That is exactly what I have been thinking.

Great thread by the way. I still am married. I love my wife and took my marriage vows seriously. I became hers. I still feel like I am hers. I can't imagine another woman but her. I was totally devoted and when I fell in love with her I felt like no other woman ever existed for me, past present or future. I still remember the feeling of touching my wedding band on my left hand during our honeymoon and how blissfully happy I was. My idea of the future, if I am honest, is murky. I can't visualize and don't want to even think about another woman. It is too painful. And I don't trust anybody anymore and I feel I have nothing more to give since I gave it all to her.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread friend.

[Bo123]

The whole relationship in bits and pieces combined with a 1.5 yearsmanipulative break-up has done 100X more damage than all other break-ups combined.  :)idn't know she was BPD until after and I had went all out to be what she wanted while keeping myself and I made the mistake of our different cultures as being an excuse for her behavior.  :)uring the break-up I also lost many good friends of hers and I its pretty much no contact with them even when I say we're 1,000 miles apart, haven't talked to her in a year and don't want to talk about her, would just like our good friendship back. 1 or 2 replied but keep our conversations away from her main friends afraid of troubles.  Wish there was a heart break justice court to publicly show her friends how she really was, but its just another wish that won't come true.  :)on't know if I have it in me for another relationship, had many good ones and often stayed friends, this was a disaster of monumental proportions.  She's moved on I hear so I guess she was better at relationships than I was.

[GuySmiley]

Good thread by Miserable Mostly. It's something exactly like the way I feel and have felt since our breakup in 1999.

I was a mess for the first couple of years, constant push/pull from xBPD then eventually I started dateing here and there, but to be honest there simply wasn't that spark or excitement. All great girls, I just felt I was dating and going through the motions rather than the way me and xBPD lost ourselves in each other.

I eventually settled down with a fantastic girl. We were best friends and inseparable, but I have to admit again the certain magic spark wasn't there but she seemed to be the sensible and obvious and just the right choice of partner. Unfortunately the lack of passion that I needed drove us apart after 8 years. I do miss her dreadfully, but my internal needs just weren't being fulfilled.

Fast forward to now and my xBPD has been back on the scene for 4 years after an 8 year gap, married and with a kid but trying to worm her way back in. I'm armed nowadays with info on BPDs so am wise to her manipulations. All that said, I do crave her and I know deep down that whoever I do end up with (if anyone) they'll always be my second choice as my first choice is and always will be the crazy BPD, who regardless of how much I know is bad for me, makes me feel alive and complete like no other. I've met her twice in the past four years and both times it feels just like coming home.

With this in mind I'm simply not open to another relationship, as I know that on the surface I could make it work for a while, but deep down in my soul it's quite simply not what I want. I'd be settling. Settling for a better person no doubt, but settling for something I don't truly want.

[Lucky Jim]

So my question is: Has anyone actually gotten over their exBPD and then found someone new that actually trumped what they had? Has anyone moved on and found love more lasting and powerful? Has anyone found sex that was more invigorating and exciting? Was the BPD relationship the best we're gonna get? Is the next thing just going to be a consolation prize, albeit a more consistent and lasting one?

Hey MM, Yes to questions 1-3; No to questions 4-5.  I don't miss the drama and being with someone kind, loving and supportive is far better for me than BPD craziness.  Yet the lessons I learned through the BPD ordeal have made a healthy r/s with a Non possible, if that makes sense.  I learned the hard way, but maybe that's the best way, because I appreciate my SO that much more because of it.

LuckyJim