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Author Topic: BPD ex girlfriend left for polyamory, what should I expect?  (Read 479 times)
Rhomer

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« on: January 22, 2017, 01:09:49 PM »

Hello all,

I apologize in advance if this is breaking some rule  I am not aware of as I already have posted in the surviving a breakup board but didn't realize this one. My BPD ex has recently broken up with me after a solid 4 years with no cycles. She claims thay polyamory is her best option and has already entered a relationship with another guy who is seeing other people. Given the amount of dependence, idealization, fear of abandonment, and other BPD symptoms I've observed from her over the relationship, I'm very skeptical how this will play out for her. However, she claims that the stage of unhealthy dependency is over for her and she defines herself now not as a fully diagnosed BPD like before but someone with just BPD attributes. She has offered for me to be a part of this polyamorous relationship with her, but I've refused and entered limited contact with her. She says I will always be welcome in her life to whatever capacity I'm comfortable with.

During the aftermath period for about 2 months since the breakup until now, she has said she was still more dependent on me then she thought, extremely misses our comfortable love, and is scared for the future and "burdening other people" with her problems. Despite this she is still convinced that polyamory is the way for her. Is this all common for BPDs? Am I being a fool thinking its only a matter of time until she realizes that polyamory isn't going to work for her and she will come back for me?

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joeramabeme
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2017, 02:26:48 PM »

Am I being a fool thinking its only a matter of time until she realizes that polyamory isn't going to work for her and she will come back for me?

Hello Rhomer and Welcome to BPD Family   

Glad you are comfortable posting your story here.  I highlighted this question in hopes to provide a little insight.

First, I dont think you are being a "fool".  Being in love with someone means we are willing to be and have been vulnerable with the ones we love.  BPD is a complex disorder that involves difficulty with emotional attachments, specifically what a relationship is.  Fear of abandonment and enmeshment are the hallmarks of the attachment disorder.

It seems possible to me that her seeking to be with others could be interpreted as a way to create emotional separation, thereby easing the discomfort of attachment and associated fear of abandonment and enmeshment.  Assuming that these BPD traits are at work in your situation, your question could be rephrased as asking will she realize that she has an attachment disorder?  Again assuming that this line of thinking is correct, it is possible, but unlikely unless there is a compelling circumstance that gets her to want to investigate her actions.

In my opinion, the nature of her words are likely not at all what they appear to be on the surface; deep interest in polyamory.  Rather, it is more likely that this is part of an internal coping mechanism to address an unconscious fear of abandonment.  For example, if I am not too close to you, I cannot be hurt if you leave.

Have you had a chance to read any of the literature to better understand BPD?  Here is a link to the <a href="https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder">:)SM definition of BPD[/url].  Although not every person with BPD shows every symptom, the general outline is there.

Do any of these symptoms resonate with what you have experienced?
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Rhomer

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2017, 03:34:41 PM »

Thanks for the in-depth response!

I've been doing a lot of reading on BPD since the breakup and feel confident she is more disordered then she now believes she is. All of the major criteria listed I have personally witnessed her struggle with and was aware these were attributes at the time. Throughout the relationship we both knew she had BPD and were trying to work with it. She was pretty high functioning but there were definitely issues. Part of why im so skeptical now is her problems with identity and quickly changing outlook on herself. Half a year ago she was convinced she needed to check herself into a mental hospital, now she thinks she had been doing much better for the last year and a half. Before we were together she pressured me on polyamory, later said I changed her mind to monogamy and was upset at me for just seeing porn. Now shes back to polyamory, I have to wonder for how long, and if her BPD symptoms will affect that. I was definitely idealized for over 3 years and had a large amount of dependency placed on me. She was frequently worried I would find someone better, or that I would eventually cheat on her. Now her cutting is getting worse, she cant hold a full time job, shes drinking more, and her life is lacking direction. Its a damn shame because she is a very intelligent person.

I have considered many possibilities of why she broke up with me. At first I thought this was  all a result of splitting, but she says she still hold me in deep comfortable love, not painted black. I've also considered that she is simply restless like anyone could be without BPD as she's said "we're 23, this is the kind of relationship for people who are older." It hurts but I worry about the time she said in the relationship that without me she probably would just go have sex with a lot of people and kill herself by age 30.

I think there is likely some truth to what you are saying though. She talks about it like "no one should be someone's ultimate" and "I don't want a relationship with one most important person." I think getting out of college spooked her, thinking how I would be with her the rest of her life. However, we were already very close to eachother, its difficult to tell why now she would think of us as too close. I don't know if its coping against fear of abandonment, but she definetly has seemed terrified of losing me in the aftermath of the breakup when she called me christmas eve in tears saying how hard the breakup has been and begging me to try polyamory. That and when she specifically told me she was scared of the future without me. But with me just now enforcing limited contact, she towards the end switched back to being relatively distant and neutral. Maybe its a small splitting swing? Maybe she's protecting herself from that fear of abandonment? I guess she probably will just go on without having a "supply" for awhile until she largely forgets about me.

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FSTL
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 191


« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2017, 05:13:48 PM »

I got this from my BPD. Before we went into a relationship, at least twice when we broke up and the other day she was still telling me how I could be polyamorous.

Then the next day she thought I had gone on a date with someone else and had misled her about it and she completely flipped (she was completely wrong about the other date). She had two family funerals towards the end of the week and I texted her to tell her I hoped it went ok for her.

For the first time in over a year... .no response, appear to be painted black all of a sudden and all because she thought I had another date. But yeh, she's fine with polyamory.

I think they think it's a good idea in the moment as it deals with some of their concerns. But in the case of my BPDx, she hadn't thought it through. She'd be fine with her having multiple partners, but hates the idea of me doing so.
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Rhomer

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2017, 02:54:12 PM »

Excerpt
She'd be fine with her having multiple partners, but hates the idea of me doing so.

This is why I wonder what will happen with this other guy she is now seeing that is also going out with other people. It seems like a disaster waiting to happen, but maybe that is just wishful thinking on my end.
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