BPD now PPD - Ouch

[gah]

Me: buys a house with BF... .day we move in BPD appears.  Long story short, I move out and try to move on with my life (with great difficulty).  Nine months later meets another person. He shows symptoms of delusional disorder - jealous type or paranoid personality disorder.

I have no idea how to deal with this. There is relatively no information on PPD online.  He is beyond jealous and then lies about other women to punish me because I went out for coffee with a female friend. 

Not sure where else to turn... .anyone have any experience with this?

I seem to only be attracted subliminally to addicts and personality disorders.  I really like this guy but his punishment of "other women" really hits my buttons.  Not sure how I can help him not be jealous or how I can extol how painful it is that he uses my own jealous fears against me.  I've tried talking to him when he's not triggered but then he uses it as ammo - reminiscent of my ex-BPD Bf.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi gah,

That is rough. I can understand not knowing how to deal with it. I found some info. through google scholar. It looks like therapy and medication are the recommended treatments, but pwPPD are often resistant to help due to their suspicions of others.   

Not sure how I can help him not be jealous or how I can extol how painful it is that he uses my own jealous fears against me. 

This may be a challenge, but perhaps communication skills will help.  How serious is this relationship? Are your values aligned with his?

heartandwhole

[gah]

Hi HeartandWhole,

Thank you for your response.

He doesn't trust therapy, he has no real friends and doesn't understand friendship.  Loathes my close friends because he knows I talk to them.  My friends don't like him because of the horrible stuff he says.

I am invested in this relationship, but we break-up all the time because he gets triggered. Since having gone through the ex-BPD heartbreak, I am scared to get close and with this illness my new bf has (1.5 years) the moment I let my guard down he triggers.  So it is hard to be close. He looks for things to trigger.  He once triggered because I said something about Robert Downey Jr.   Our values are aligned.  He says he's never been jealous before but I think his ex-wife was isolated (she left and moved back to the UK and Facebooked him that it was over. He had no idea.  I am his first real relationship since her).  He says he gets bad vibes from me.  Afer learning things on here I know unequivocally that, that is not true.

For me, hearing about other women really hurts, especially because my-exBPD cheated (and recently married one of them) - and I have my own distrust/jealousy issues.  Examples of this are New Years Eve... .we agreed to go to a nice restaurant/intimate Jazz club.  He triggered and said he was going to another womans.  At 1130, I drove to his house and he was home and gave me a kiss.  He never went out - 10 min before he said he was there. 

A friend passed in the summer and I had to help with the memorial service but the deceased's best friend was a male I did not know.  My Bf lost his mind (continues to rehash all perceived slights in a list) and said he was hooking up with a woman from our dog park. Since he kept changing his story, I asked her and she was horrified (she was lovely). 

Another one of my friends passed suddenly in December (41).  I took my deceased friend's 13-year-old son to a sporting event on the weekend. Something the boy's Dad and I and our group of friends did several times a week (before I met this BF.  I stopped going because I was ashamed of my meltdowns when I was going through the stuff with BPD ex.).  His Dad's ex-wife (who I didn't really know) only trusted me to take him. It was an honour.  On my drive there, I get a message from my BF to say, "I don't like what you are doing.  I am not responsible for what I get up to tonight." Then while I am at the event, I get some gaslighting and he says he and another woman have mutual feelings and it's over between us.  We had,had a good week.  When I went to my regular Thursday event, he said he had, had coffee with this woman.  I thought it was BS - just triggered, but now I am not too sure.  It's the first time he has dropped an actual name.  It was intentional.  I am very upset - feel nauseated.  Unsure if it is real.  Today, I am going to see his Mom to find out if he was out all night, like he says. He is in a catch-22, he won't admit to lies so last night when we had coffee he kept to his story.

I set boundaries.  I break-up with him.  Generally, he knows, I know that he has lied, but I don't say anything.  My friends are tired of my relationship drama. I go to them because I don't trust my gut. Their advice is to dump him and say I need to just take what he says at face value.  I would probably say the same things if it was reversed.

When he's not triggered he is amazing.  I admit to not doing all the things I want to because it is easier to keep the peace.  When I took my friend's son this weekend I knew there would be a "cost" associated with it. I invite my BF to everything. The people he triggers about... .I invite him to meet.

He has low self-esteem.  I know I am a good person.  I have strong ethics and can't understand why he doesn't trust me.  I think it's a combination of his need for drama (which he blames me for) and how painful his delusions are that I am acting out. He genuinely believes them - even the Robert Downey Jr piece (which, at first, I didn't recognize the illness so I said sarcastically, "I'll call him now on my bat phone." - that didn't help).  It could also be projection - that he needs supply.

I don't want to break-up, I can see the immature emotions - I know I can't fix him.  I also know he won't get help. I guess I'm looking for some tactics on how to help him understand I am not up to anything and some tactics so he doesn't lash out triggering my own jealous flaw. It is painful for both of us.

Thanks for any advice.

[heartandwhole]

I don't want to break-up, I can see the immature emotions - I know I can't fix him.  I also know he won't get help. I guess I'm looking for some tactics on how to help him understand I am not up to anything and some tactics so he doesn't lash out triggering my own jealous flaw. It is painful for both of us.

Hi gah,

I hear you. It sounds like you really care about this man and you'd like some tools to improve the relationship. Have you thought about checking out the Improving Board? Even though he is PPD, I bet many of the tools there would help (they help in ALL relationships, anyway). I'm thinking specifically about communication skills right now.

We can't make anyone "understand" us if they won't/can't, but we can try our best to communicate in a way that makes it easier. One thing I learned from my relationship with pwBPD was that I couldn't control his being triggered. But I could manage my reactions to his being triggered, and I could practice listening and validating in a way that he felt heard. For instance, there is a lot of great stuff on this page (the right sidebar included):

Communication Skills-Don't Be Invalidating

Do you think adapting your communication style would help?

heartandwhole

[gah]

Thank you - I will read this tonight.  Appreciate your time and care

[gah]

Listened and read that information you suggested, it helped.  I need to digest and put it into practice.

As an update, I went to see his Mom and she said he was home all night Saturday - so he lied again about cheating on me. 

He was clearly not amused I went to see his mom and he was busted.  Name calling, says he wasn't lying and basically told me where to go.  I told him I'd send him an email (using some of the validation tactics) that he was up for reading. 

When I was ready to send (vetted by a pwBPD), I decided it was likely best not to email it, but for him to read it in person.  My reasoning was he will obsess over it and use things against me when he is in an episode. 

He said he'd like to read it, and would respond if necessary but it would have to be email.  I said I wasn't comfortable with that.  He said no worries then, I won't lose sleep.  Then said it was over and he was blocking me on text.  This is a cycle.

I'm tired and exhausted.  Part of me hopes it is over and part of me still wants us.  We need more research dollars put in to neuroplasticity. 

Not sure what to do next - except nothing.

[heartandwhole]

I'm tired and exhausted.  Part of me hopes it is over and part of me still wants us.  We need more research dollars put in to neuroplasticity. 

Not sure what to do next - except nothing.

I'd be tired, too, gah. Go easy on yourself. It takes time to change patterns of behavior and to learn new skills. I recommend one step at a time, so as not to overwhelm yourself. For example, you might start by working on listening with empathy and validating (like you have) and just keep practicing, practicing — every opportunity you have (on the boards here is a great way!). Or pick a communication skill, like S.E.T. and write down convos that you've had with your partner. In other words, practice makes better.    But don't try to take on too much at once. Make sense?

I certainly need to take my own advice here. 

[gah]

Thank you so very much!