Defending myself

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In October, my uBPDw (ex) got upset over a kid thing, got up from her chair and swung at me three times.  Each time I pushed her back.  The last time she landed on the floor.  I then told her to never touch me like that again (I'm female as well).

She's swung at me in the past.  Once I cowered.  Other times I just stood there.  She never made contact until AFTER the incident in October when she swung at me again and hit me in the head several times.

She is stuck on the fact that I shoved her off of me.  That this is a big hurt for her.  That no one should shove her.  I ask her if she recalls what happened before that, and she is able to say she swung at me, but clearly cannot get over the fact that I defended myself by shoving her back off of me. 

She uses this as an excuse to not go forward in the marriage.  Not that it will escalate, but that I shoved her back.  I explained that in that moment, I was threatened and def had the fight or flight thing going on.  I defended myself from her flying fists.

Still all she sees is SHE was shoved.

Would you defend yourself?  She's pretty well made me the evil person for reacting.  Was I supposed to just stand there and take that crap?

[Tosquinha]

In October, my uBPDw (ex) got upset over a kid thing, got up from her chair and swung at me three times.  Each time I pushed her back.  The last time she landed on the floor.  I then told her to never touch me like that again (I'm female as well).

She's swung at me in the past.  Once I cowered.  Other times I just stood there.  She never made contact until AFTER the incident in October when she swung at me again and hit me in the head several times.

She is stuck on the fact that I shoved her off of me.  That this is a big hurt for her.  That no one should shove her.  I ask her if she recalls what happened before that, and she is able to say she swung at me, but clearly cannot get over the fact that I defended myself by shoving her back off of me. 

She uses this as an excuse to not go forward in the marriage.  Not that it will escalate, but that I shoved her back.  I explained that in that moment, I was threatened and def had the fight or flight thing going on.  I defended myself from her flying fists.

Still all she sees is SHE was shoved.

Would you defend yourself?  She's pretty well made me the evil person for reacting.  Was I supposed to just stand there and take that crap?

[Happy1]

Tos,

I'd seriously consider leaving the relationship. Physical violence typically begets more or escalating violence.

My exuBPD girlfriend, hit me in the back of the head with a frying pan. I turned around afterwards and she then came at me with flying fists. I grabbed her, wrestled her to the ground until she calmed down. The next day, I had police at my door and was charged with third degree assault. Cops said she called and showed them bruises. They weren't too interested in the lump on the back of my head. Ultimately, I got the charges reduced to disturbing the peace, but I now have a minor criminal record. She has nothing from the incident. Later, she claimed that she never hit me at all and that I just attacked her.

You're dealing with someone that lives in denial and rationalizations. So, you'll never win your case for reality.

Again, seriously consider leaving the situation with her all together before things escalate.

[Tosquinha]

Again, seriously consider leaving the situation with her all together before things escalate.

I moved out a month ago.  Im just having a hard time believing she keeps using that as an excuse.  I need validation that I had a right to stand up for myself, especially after years of her attempting but just stopping short of my face. 

She talks about seeing her counselor and working through this issue, however, I know she will be stuck on it forever.  This is what she will say ended things but that's not where it ended.  It ended with her smacking the crap out of me, promising to go to counseling and then being triggered by the male teens in our home (one of hers, one of mine) due to her sex abuse issues. 

I've tried this LC crap, but in the end it's just maddening to hear her perception of it all when she's missing about 6 years 364 days of it.

[ynwa]

Tosquinha,

Your situation is not a gender issue as it is for me. But the idea that you could be attacked and then have to defend yourself is a serious issue. BPD or not. Whether you are actually afraid for your physical well being or not.  I am a foot taller than my ex and almost a 100 pounds heavier.  In practical terms, yes I was bloodied and scratched and punched.  I never thought to hit her back, but in pure response I did shove her away, I did put up my arms.  Her response was never the punching but me "pushing her buttons".  Her seeing me in defense mode was taken to be aggressive and that's ALL she has ever said.  I have struggled with that and it carried through other aspects of our relationship. She still takes zero responsibility.

It will get worse.  The threshold for a BPD, even with traits rarely goes backwards. There is no outward sense of responsibility.  We are not supposed and should not tell you to leave the relationship.  

But you have children in the home? And her response is you shoved her?  
I'm sorry you have to deal with this reality, it's nothing anyone should.

I would add that it is not you "personally" she is attacking.  This is not YOUR fault.  
But be mindful that she cannot be mindful.  I have seen mine in a blackout rage more times than I should have.  I thank myself everyday, that I somehow never fought back.  

[Happy1]

You were justified.

I suspect the reason she can't face the reality of the situation is, that it would mean she would have some blame to accept or a fault. She can't do that. Partly because BPD is a thought disorder where they already feel like anyone close is being hypercritical of them (true or not). So, if you're at fault in some bad behavior, she's not. And for her to accept that she would be at fault, would likely unravel her whole mental facade (schema) she's constructed for herself. So, therefore, you're wrong and at fault. Not her. Call it what you want, denial, blame, transference, etc. It's very a common sign of BPD thinking and ultimately behavior.

Remember, you're dealing with a person who probably looks, talks, and appears to be sane and "normal" but in reality, there is a thought disorder associated with this individual (mental illness?) and diverting blame for anything "wrong" or "bad" is part of it.

[Eetee]

Tos, this gets tricky.  My BPDw started to get violent with me and it got worse.  I knew I could never hit back to defend because the cops would take me away.  I got a smart phone and it was AWESOME.  It saved me.    At first she would calm down and back off because it was like having another person there.  But one day she shocked me and started punching away.  I got it all recorded and called the cops.  Eight months later, She still actually blames me!  I should have walked away according to her!  I never intended for it to happen I just realized we had no hope if I didnt call the cops.  I heard sometimes the violent BPDs wont get help until the cops are involved. 

[Aesir]

My ex never got physically violent but I do think she was capable of it. She was overly interested in tales of domestic violence and abuse. She seemed to think female on male violence was always justified. She never took responsibility for most of her actions so if there was a problem she would start it.