New here

[Snik]

• What type of relationship are you in?
  
  I am the mother of a 20 year old daughter -- undiagnosed but fits the criteria   

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  no one is diagnosed -- some have BPD behavior 

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  My daughter's strongest quality is her loyalty   

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  She is anxious, has low self esteem, lacks confidence 

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  She can get extremely difficult, raging, threatening, abusive texting.  These episodes seem to come out of the blue, but I am seeing a pattern of anxiety and abandonment as triggers   

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  Diagnosed anxiety and depression, but undiagnosed BPD   

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  I struggle with setting boundaries -- letting go and letting her solve her problems.  Her anger is very difficult to deal with.   

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  If so, what types?
  
  I should be in therapy as I need to move my focus to myself away from her   

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  
  Connect with people who are in a similar situation.  Get support for setting boundaries.  Don't want to feel alone in all this.   

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi, I'm glad you came, support is really important.

One quick thing I wanted to share, that I haven't seen elsewhere on this board, is that my two daughters who had abandonment in their early lives (they aren't my biological daughters) both said they benefited from EMDR therapy that was recommended by a psychologist.  It sounded hokey to me when I first heard about it but it apparently really works to relieve anxiety associated with abandonment (don't know if that will fit with your daughter, but I think that BPD is closely related to feelings or fears of abandonment).  Its short term and intense, it might be worth trying for her.

Stay with it and keep reaching out for support from family, friends, this board and anywhere - its so important and you have to take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone else!

[livednlearned]

Hi Snik,

I wanted to join golda in welcoming you. 

Setting boundaries, oof. So hard.

I think we experience separation anxiety ourselves a little when we step away from enabling our kids. Take small steps and work up to bigger things, is what my T recommended for me and that has helped. 

In your situation, that might mean setting a limit for yourself that you won't respond to any angry texts. Something that you have control over, that takes place in private without immediate blowback. Then pay attention to how you feel, your pulse, your breath, and start grounding it in your body and focus your attention there instead of letting the anxiety run wild.

Does your daughter live with you at the moment? Is her dad in the picture to help you support her?

Glad you found the site. Keep posting. It really does help.

LnL

[Snik]

Thanks you guys for your kind responses.  Small steps -- yes I can try that.  And being mindful of how I feel and use breathing exercises to reduce my anxiety.  Funny as these are advice I give my daughter... .
Husband is in the picture but working out of state at the moment. We try to support each other, but sometimes I feel it's hard to detach when he is constantly asking questions about her.  In his defense, she really only calls me so I think he feels out of the loop. 
Daughter is at college 3 hours away.
She was doing EDMR therapy for a short while, but had to move back home so that ended. I don't think she found it helpful, but she didn't really do it for long.
She's finally seeing a therapist again and is reaching out to a previous therapist who lives in another town.  I feel that I have been her sole support system for quite a while so it is a relief that she is reaching out to others.

[incadove]

Interesting you mention EMDR, both of my older daughters who had abandonment and abuse early in life tried EMDR, and both found it pretty intense and somewhat helpful in reducing the PTSD anxiety.  I don't know that she would necessarily need to continue it but I think it can be helpful.

Other kinds of therapy seem helpful too, there are different approaches that have value.  We did a little bit of cognitive and some sessions with therapists familiar with DBT.  I dont' know exactly what they did because it was when the kids were older and I respected their privacy.  Sometimes talk therapy can make things worse I think by just focusing on the pain and rehashing it, but learning calming techniques and skills definitely had value. 

We are still working out the pain in our relationships and how close we can handle being. I'm lucky that my daughters are handling their lives pretty well, they probably aren't really BPD because they don't have life disruption and act fairly and responsibly but I do see some of the traits and I really identify with what is posted here.  I think at any stage people can decide to make choices to live principled lives even if they have deep emotional pain and disruption, and acting on principles lets us recover gradually from the emotional pain.  At least that is what I'm hoping for us.