First new therapist couple appt. nervous

[PeaceHeart]

Hi, my husband was recently diagnosed with BPD, and we are attending our first couples session with a new therapist. We have both met her individually already and are seeing her in a schedule where we switch off individually then meet together. We did this with our last therapist with success, but moved and needed a new therapist. So... .I am nervous, we have a very long history of being asked to leave and not come back due to my husbands paranoia and anger. It seems like many couples therapists struggle to maintain control of a session with someone with BPD. Also, I don't think my husband, who has regressed significantly over the past few months in healthy enough to go into a session. We have an hour until our appt and he is edgy, shaking trying to make a bagel and screaming at the toaster. It also seems like he is hoping to gain understanding from the therapist to legitimize his BPD behaviors, verbal abuse, and place blame if me for his actions which are a result of untreated BPD. I don't want to do couples anymore, it's draining, his BPD is his and he needs medical help and intensive individual therapy. At the same time, I've feel most of his symptoms pop up when relating and therapists can be unaware of the BPD until they see him try and communicate with a loved one. How has therapy worked out for everyone?

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[Reforming]

Hi Peaceheart,

I can understand your anxiety - couples therapy can be challenging process for anyone - even the therapist.

I think a good therapist will not validate bad behaviour but they will try and build trust with both partners - especially in the early stages.

It's sounds like your husband has found couples therapy challenging - that's not uncommon when there's a personality disorder involved. It's probably not helpful to prejudge your first session together - therapy takes time, but I can completely understand why you find it draining.

Some of those suffering from BPD can be very good at concealing or disowning their problematic behaviour but a good therapist should be able to read between the lines and get a sense of what's really going on. I realise that it isn't easy but I think it's also important that you feel confident and safe enough to express your own feelings on what's happening between you.

I did try couples therapy with my ex. Unfortunately it didn't resolve our issues. Overall I think it was a worthwhile investment but when there's a personality disorder involved individual therapy is often considered more effective

You mentioned individual therapy. How long has your husband been in therapy and what kind of therapy is he getting at the moment.

Good luck

We're here for you

Reforming

[PeaceHeart]

Thanks for the response. We are now home from the session, I am very sad, it's so very hard to see my husband in the state he is currently in, he spent most of the session talking about a month long road trip he just thought of and plans to go on alone, he was also paranoid and angry, his identity was definitely altered as he spoke to the therapist. I miss my husband when he was healthy. The therapist agreed that we need individual therapy before couples because he is not in a state to hear anyone else. The whole thing was crazy, it was also good for me to see him interact with someone (he rarely leaves the house) and see him talk about his perspective, it showed me painfully how sick he is right now. I feel helpless, but know it is up to him to take the steps to get help. At the end of the session he did say that he would like to see the therapist again for individual therapy, even after he insulted her. His individual therapist is close to retirement and is only seeing him once a month right now, I don't think she knows he is in crisis. I am also seeking my own individual therapist now.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can hear the sadness and worry in your voice. I've always heard that couples therapy doesn't go well with someone with BPD unless the therapist is trained to work with people with personality disorders. It sounds like individuals therapy is the best right now since your husband sounds like he is in a very low state. I hope things begin to look up for you. YOu've found a great support system in this board.

[Reforming]

Hi Peaceheart,

I'm sorry that your session didn't have a happier conclusion and I can completely understand that you miss the healthy version of your husband. But at least your T got the opportunity to get some impression your husband real dynamics. It's not a silver bullet but's it's an important step in the right direction. She may not have grasped the gravity of his condition - it's hard to do this from one session but  if she sees him again she will have another chance to dig a bit deeper.

I think she's probably right about individual therapy.

I suppose the only question I would ask is what kind of therapy? If he has a PD than DBT or Schema have a good track record for the treatment of personality disorders. Either therapy can be helpful for partners too.

When I ended couples therapy my ex wanted to continue with our couples T in individual therapy but she refused on the basis that it would compromise her ability to treat us a couple if we ever came back.

I went to individual therapy myself and I did a fair bit of research before I committed  to Schema therapy. My rationale was that I was pretty sure my ex was BPD or at least had strong traits and I wanted to work with a T who really understood personality disorders and the fallout that comes with them.  I also recognised that I had my own dysfunctional behavioural patterns that I wanted to address and Schema is geared towards this too.

It sounds like you have been trying you're very best to keep the ship afloat. Don't lose hope but don't lose sight of your needs. It so easy to get burned out when your focussed on taking care of your partner.

Do you have a support network where you can have a timeout or a break?

We're here for you

Reforming