Working with my ex...

[AustenJ]

I kick myself daily for getting involved... .but it was the perfect storm... .I was ripe for the picking... .I totally did it to myself... .and now I must do no contact with a BPD woman that I work with in a very small organization where I will see her monthly in staff meetings. Ugh! My marriage to a non-BPD woman had lost it's passion, romance and sex... .we had sex perhaps only a few times over the last few years... .I had given up on sex and passion actually but there were other aspects of the marriage that were good, plus we have a beautiful teen daughter... .so the marriage wasn't ideal in my eyes... .but I was determined to grind it out. I had also just turned 54 which was the same age that my father died of cancer when I was 23. So perhaps a mid-life crisis was imminent... .I didn't want to die young like my father, and I felt like I deserved love, passion and great sex. I transferred to a new job over the summer and met a stunningly beautiful 26-year-old co-worker who's father had also died when she was 18... .so right off the bat we had a connection. We both are teachers so we have the inherent rescuer gene as we help people every day. She is charming, witty, and compassionate... .I totally fell for her head over heels. Within a week of meeting her we had a 3-day sexual fling that was mind-blowing--exactly what I was looking for (I was the reckless sex for her trying to fill her emptiness). She tried to dump me after those 3 days of passion because she had gotten what she wanted and had a confession scheduled with her priest the following weekend. This was no way for a good Catholic girl to act... .should have been a red flag for me! I separated from my wife and moved out for several months to be with my co-worker... .the affair under the radar from my wife. My coworker ended the relationship after winter break after she went skiing with an ex-boyfriend for 10 days... .I know... .totally crazy that I thought we could still be together after that... .because she insisted that they were just friends, and she was only going out there to do an intervention with the guy's alcoholic father... .which she thought she could be of help because she abuses alcohol herself... .gah... .I insisted that it would be a better intervention if she was in treatment for her BPD... .but I could never convince her to seek treatment even though she promised to on numerous occasions. She abused alcohol, cut, vaped, purged, and had reckless, unprotected sex--her birth control was the morning after pill. I loved her, rough edges and all and was willing to commit my life to helping her... .I read and studied books, watched dozens of videos to understand and to support her... .I think she stayed in a relationship with me for so long because I was sterile and safer sex for her... .and we were in love... .ugh... .she dumped me because she "needed to get healthy" but, of course, continues to act out and not seek treatment... .it is so sad... .it breaks my heart.

I reconciled with my wife and moved back, but now I guess I deserve my fate in that I'm stuck in the same building as my ex-lover... .we are in opposite ends of the building, but it is difficult to avoid her altogether as we only have perhaps 20 on staff... .I don't pass her house on the way to the gym anymore, we never texted or talked on the phone to hide it from my wife, I don't keep the book anymore at basketball games where she is the cheerleading coach... .so really just looking for other ways for no contact when we work in the same place. I am open to suggestions.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome complicated:     

I'm sorry about the difficulties you have had with your marriage and with the situation with your co-worker.  Sometime mid-life crises happen and we just need to put it behind us. There was close to a 30 year age difference.  The harsh reality is that although it must be flattering to have a relationship with a beautiful, much younger woman, generally something isn't healthy about the relationship. You can't fix her. 

I reconciled with my wife and moved back, but now I guess I deserve my fate in that I'm stuck in the same building as my ex-lover... .we are in opposite ends of the building, but it is difficult to avoid her altogether as we only have perhaps 20 on staff... .looking for other ways for no contact when we work in the same place. I am open to suggestions.

I've had a few uncomfortable situations with people in the workplace.  I eventually learned my lesson to not get involved with someone I worked too closely with. 

What's behind your discomfort? Are you embarrassed?  If she would be interested, would you resume a relationship with her - perhaps leave your wife again? (you are on the Conflicted or Deciding Board).

If you haven't seen her face-to-face, since the breakup, then the first encounter could be awkward.  Is it possible to just say hi, be pleasant and brief.  If you can avoid working with her on any assignments, that would be best.  What are some of the possible situations, that might make contact probable (lunch, breaks, teacher's lounge?)