Coping tools

[UrsulaBrown]

I am seeking others who understand the challenges of having a partner with BPD. My partner has mood swings and angry outbursts everyday. Little things that most everyone else would see as insignificant cause her to meltdown. I never know if the next thing I say will cause an explosive reaction from her. I live in a constant minefield.

For several years I have allowed her to use me as a punching bag. I regularly "jump on the grenade", attempting to direct her rage towards me instead of at others. Moreover, I have tried to bubblewrap the world, doing everything in my power to prevent her from becoming upset. This, of course, has not worked.   

I am here to find out how others cope with these issues. I would like to discover what has worked for them. I hope to find tools that will make my relationship more bearable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

I'm not sure if it helps, but the first thing that helped me was to try to learn how H sees the world, and admit how logic and reasoning can't sway his feelings.  It's a disorder of the emotions, where you have adults who can't manage their emotions much better than small children at times, but they have adult abilities to hurt those close to them. 

A big thing I learned on here is that you CAN'T expect for the BPD to just go away.  You can look at what actions you may take to try to make things better but that in fact make them worse.  I used to think that "explaining" things to H would calm him down once he had facts.  He does not want facts.  He wants to tell me his feelings, because he can't get them out otherwise.  He may not actually want to get angry, but he has never learned to "self-soothe" and so the strategies you or I may use to avoid an angry outburst don't make sense to him.  And if he feels angry/sad/depressed, he wants me to be angry too to validate his emotions. 

#1 - you don't have to feel their feelings to validate that they ahve them, and are allowed to have them.  I am co-dependent and soak up other people's emotions like a sponge.  So if he was upset, it distressed me because I did not want to be upset, too.  So I had to work on ME and my reactions, and give myself permission to NOT get upset unless I needed to, and to allow him to BE upset if he was.  Trying to "fix" him being upset usually just made it worse, because the first thing you tend to do is minimize what's wrong (it can't be THAT bad/things will get better/nows not a good time to be angry) which invalidates the pwBPD, and really sets them off. 

#2 - Especially since we noticed a link between his emotions and likely hood of a terrible outburst and hunger, we both try to get him to eat on time - this usually falls to me to enforce, but at least he admits he needs to eat.  It also helps, because I can liken BPD to diabetes or other health issues, and when the BPD starts talking, I kinda try to tune out the worst of the insults and personal attacks.  I see it more as the disease talking, which is not to let him off the hook, but to protect me from hurting so bad at some of the comments.  If an angry toddler needs a nap and tells me they hate me, I'd try to not take it to heart. 

#3 - Leave before or during a rage event if possible.  Make plans ahead of time about what you can do when needed.  Not being there for a rage seems to be one of the best things you can do.  It can force the pwBPD to learn to handle their emotions on their own - the very skill they are lacking.  At the very least, it gets you out of harms way emotionally and physically, and sends a message that they can be angry, but you don't have to accept the anger.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense or will work for you, but working on you is all you really can do - we can't change them, or fix them.  Letting go of that expectation seems to go a long way to changing the household dynamic.  Improving how we react seems to take some gasoline off the fire - the emotions are still there, but reasonable validation and letting them know you hear them at least even if you do not agree can diffuse at least a few sitations. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi UrsulaBrown, welcome!  The tools I have learned have helped me immensely.  Excellent advice from Isilme. 

I certainly understand the challenges of living with a pwBPD.  My husband and I have been married for many years.  It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong, as in, why my marriage  was so chaotic, filled with conflict and anger.  Finally, finding out about BPD several years ago was a real eye opener.  It has taken some soul searching to figure out what I needed because I had been just reacting instead of taking action to get more of the life I wanted.

There are a lot of good book suggestions on this site.  Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD in Your Life by Margalis Fjelstad has been the most helpful to me.

The first thing that reduced conflict for me when I stopped JADEing which is when my pwBPD accuses, questions or criticizes something I have said or done, I resist the urge to justify, argue, defend or explain myself.  This is a trap I had fallen into probably every day of my married life before breaking this habit.  It only added fuel to the fire.  Once I started noticing how many times I JADEd it was easier to pay attention and stop it! 

Another very productive thing I have done is I have managed to let go of anger more.  I used to feel like I needed to hold on to my "righteous" anger.  I felt like such a pushover when I would let go.  But, I have learned that I am a stronger person for letting go of anger and moving ahead with my day, week, life.  A practical example of this is that I have decided that just because he is disregulating (disrespectful, name calling, yelling) I still love him.  I am in control of my emotions and they do not change the fact that he is my dear husband.  So I will excuse myself as quickly as possible from the scene to give him time to self soothe.  Then I will not get angry, or stay angry.  I will still stick with my routine.  For instance, when I get to work I message him that I am there safely and I love him.  I used to just skip it when I was angry with him.  I realized that I was allowing his mood to change me, to knock me off course.  When I keep to my routines it is better for both of us.

I hope this helps!  Check out the lessons and tools in the box on the right hand side of this page.