Anxiety For The Whole Family

[DaddyBear77]

I just participated in a 1.5 hour shouting argument with my pwBPD while my D3 was upstairs in her bedroom, obviously able to hear the whole thing. I knew I should have walked away but I didn't. I haven't walked away, ever, and I was too anxious about what would happen if I DID walk away to do it this time.

About 30 minutes later I was helping D3 get ready for the day, and after using the bathroom, I had to talk her down from an anxiety-fueled panic because there wasn't enough toilet paper on the roll.

I could probably spend some time convincing myself that the two things aren't connected - and I'm sure that's exactly what my pwBPD is doing right now.

But as someone recently said, someone has to be the grown up.

[Larmoyant]

DaddyBear77, when I read this I felt such sadness for you and your child, remembered the arguments in my own relationship, and imagining what this must have felt like for you both, but you know what there is such hope in your post. She has a great daddy. You’re so aware of her needs and that’s a great thing. Keep working it out you’re headed in the right direction. 

[Grey Kitty]

I knew I should have walked away but I didn't. I haven't walked away, ever, and I was too anxious about what would happen if I DID walk away to do it this time.

Please be gentle with yourself, and consider this a tiny step in the right direction, and giant neon sign with an arrow pointing you farther in the right direction.

How long has it been that you even thought about walking away or wished you had done it? I'm betting that this is pretty new on your part.

You can do better next time... .and seeing what it did to D3 gives you a really powerful reason to want this.

About your anxiety/fear... .what do you think might happen if you did walk away? Writing it down or saying it out loud will help you face the fear... .or find ways to reduce the danger/problems.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DB, Sorry to hear.  I can relate.  I participated in plenty of shouting matches w/my BPDxW and am sad to say that some were within earshot of our kids.  I doubt that I ever resolved anything by going toe to toe with my Ex, and it was largely an exercise in frustration.  After a while, I decided that fighting fire with fire was a flawed strategy and decided to practice disengagement, i.e., by refusing to participate in these angry interactions.  It takes a while to get the hang of disengagement, but you might find it to be a useful tool.

LuckyJim

[Notwendy]

Although my H and my mother are very different, I was shocked to find myself in similar circular arguments that I observed between my parents as a kid that resolved nothing. Our kids heard them. I even found notes they wrote about it in their room saying it was my fault and that we should get a divorce. These notes made me sad. Perhaps they wrote them knowing I would find them when I cleaned up in their rooms. I also noticed signs of anxiety in them.

I felt I had to work on my end of this. Unlike my mother, my H has some traits but is a solid dad to the kids. It was our relationship that was the issue. I had to take responsibility for my part in this- it was the only part I had control of.  Without blaming my parents, I had to take a look at my FOO and how I was raised- what predisposed me to this relationship style and co-dependency.

The kids blamed me for these fights because I was the one who broke down in tears when I couldn't take it anymore. This would trigger my H and make him angry. I guess it looked like I started them.

At first I tried to stop them by being more co-dependent, and trying to keep the peace, but that seems like an endless cycle.

Boundaries, disengagement, counseling, 12 step co-dependency groups - hard work but I built some skills, basically learned how to not be a doormat but that involved also being able to tolerate that people won't be happy with me when I did.

I had to choose me, not people pleasing.

I didn't change my H, but I did diminish the arguments. Disengagement was a method. It takes two to argue. Sometimes it would feel as if I was being baited. The fights aren't pleasant, but there is an addictive quality to them- for both the pwBPD and the non. It's a way for the pwBPD to get all of those bad feelings out.

You are aware that you seem powerless over yourself. The answer to that could be something to explore. My main concern has been for the kids, but I also learned that the best way for me to take care of them is to take care of these issues about myself. A BPD parent may not be good for kids but neither is a co-dependent one. I agree to be kind to yourself- we all start somewhere. You love your daughter. She's only 3.  Taking care of yourself- through learning to interact in a different way- and to role model that for her- can make a positive impact.

[SamwizeGamgee]

In some weird twist, I almost feel passive-aggressive for not taking up an argument with my wife.  I know she wants it (a fight), and I won't give it to her.  Arguments and conflict are her drugs. 

I know I would probably have the vinegar for a fight if I loved her still, or felt I benefited from the marriage, but, right now, I feel that nothing is worth fight about with her.  I know enough to know that it will not do any good, not change anything, not help the spirit of things in the house, so I let it go.  People tend to fight when there's emotions at stake.  I don't feel the emotions in my marriage.  Sad.  Effective?

An aside as far as parenting.  As I researched my life and possible divorce, I got a real change of heart as far as fatherhood.  The stereotypical American divorce used to play out as: dad leaves, divorce follows, mom gets the kids and the house, dad gets the bills and two jobs to pay for it.  Thinking about losing the kids, even for split custody 50/50% - which is an admirable achievement for a dad - made me value them so much more.  I knew that my time is limited with them anyway just because of life (school, work, life) but to consider that my wife's mental illness could drive me away and split the family even more - really made me double down on being a superdad.  Seeing how fleeting and frail it is, makes it so much more precious.  I don't spoil the kids, but, I sure do indulge them with daddy-time whenever I can.

[Notwendy]

The idea of split custody is scary, but I wonder in the case of mental illness in the mother if the father would be considered for primary custody. Legal advice on that one would be helpful.

Dad would have to hire childcare, but that might be better for the kids in the long run.

BPD is a spectrum, so parenting ability/safety would vary with each individual.

Regardless of the decision, the tools and relationship skills are helpful- either way, as she would still be the mother of the children.

Decisions to stay or leave are very individual, but co-dependency doesn't help- that aspect of the relationship can be worked on. It isn't easy, but I think it is good for the kids for the non to be less co-dependent.