Is it healthy to be paranoid?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am five months out from having filed for divorce, and have had to live outside my home. My wife is an alcoholic, was physically and verbally abusive, and generally beat me down emotionally in the four short years we were married.

Before I moved out, which was a week of breaking the news to my wife, she said that when she told her son (my stepson) I had filed, he responded "He's lucky I haven't been issued my service revolver yet" (he was in the police academy at the time). I told her I didn't appreciate the threat, and could speak with his police captain about it. She responded harshly, like the protective mother she is, asking me why I'd want to ruin his career, threatening to ruin my career, said he never said that - that she had just made it all up out of anger, etc.

Fast forward to yesterday, when she randomly emailed me to announce how proud she was that he was on the police force in the small town. I must drive through it on my eight mile commute to work. She followed that by telling me "He was in your school last week". My heart dropped in my chest when I heard that. I had been wondering if he has taught her to use a weapon, if she has bought one, would she shoot me? When I have to see her at the courthouse, I know she has to go through a metal detector. We are supposed to meet at her attorney's office to discuss settlement.

I discussed this with my attorney and she has no problems discretely asking to move the settlement discussion to a conference room at the courthouse (making up some fake excuse).

My gut feeling is to somehow have it communicated to him that he is not to show up at my work. He works for a small police force in a village adjacent to my school. I'm not sure why he would have been sent to my school, as it is in a different village, or if she was just making that up too. I don't want to stir the hornet's nest,and I don't want to interfere with his career, but I also don't like the idea of  feeling like work is no longer a "safe place" for me. I don't even like the idea of having to drive to work wondering if he is out on patrol and could write me a ticket. I don't think he'd harm me, but I haven't interacted with or heard from him since I left, so I have no idea what he is thinking about all of this (remember, she raised him - he likely knows what she is really like). I'm certain there's a bit of PTSD involved when I think of how my wife raged, threatened, etc.

I would appreciate the advice or reactions.

Teacher

[The Teacher]

I am five months out from having filed for divorce, and have had to live outside my home. My wife is an alcoholic, was physically and verbally abusive, and generally beat me down emotionally in the four short years we were married.

Before I moved out, which was a week of breaking the news to my wife, she said that when she told her son (my stepson) I had filed, he responded "He's lucky I haven't been issued my service revolver yet" (he was in the police academy at the time). I told her I didn't appreciate the threat, and could speak with his police captain about it. She responded harshly, like the protective mother she is, asking me why I'd want to ruin his career, threatening to ruin my career, said he never said that - that she had just made it all up out of anger, etc.

Fast forward to yesterday, when she randomly emailed me to announce how proud she was that he was on the police force in the small town. I must drive through it on my eight mile commute to work. She followed that by telling me "He was in your school last week". My heart dropped in my chest when I heard that. I had been wondering if he has taught her to use a weapon, if she has bought one, would she shoot me? When I have to see her at the courthouse, I know she has to go through a metal detector. We are supposed to meet at her attorney's office to discuss settlement.

I discussed this with my attorney and she has no problems discretely asking to move the settlement discussion to a conference room at the courthouse (making up some fake excuse).

My gut feeling is to somehow have it communicated to him that he is not to show up at my work. He works for a small police force in a village adjacent to my school. I'm not sure why he would have been sent to my school, as it is in a different village, or if she was just making that up too. I don't want to stir the hornet's nest,and I don't want to interfere with his career, but I also don't like the idea of  feeling like work is no longer a "safe place" for me. I don't even like the idea of having to drive to work wondering if he is out on patrol and could write me a ticket. I don't think he'd harm me, but I haven't interacted with or heard from him since I left, so I have no idea what he is thinking about all of this (remember, she raised him - he likely knows what she is really like). I'm certain there's a bit of PTSD involved when I think of how my wife raged, threatened, etc.

I would appreciate the advice or reactions.

Teacher

[SamwizeGamgee]

Being close to law enforcement, I'll comment.

There's a difference between feeling scared, and feeling scared by someone who has a gun and made a threat. 
I went through phases of paranoia as I started getting myself separated from my wife.  (we live together, but I've re-established boundaries and that's creating distance).  I went through the house, locked the guns and knives up and keep exclusive access to them.  I realized I got in the habit of counting the kitchen knives when I came home even.  I had several panic attacks when the house seemed eerily, quiet and snuck around the house until I found out either where my wife was, or saw the kids were okay and happy.  So, I'd say being scared is normal and healthy - it was programmed in you to keep you alive.   I will say that often we are more afraid of things than they deserve.  It would be shocking and unusual if an officer went out of his way to harass you at work.  Police departments are also aware that divorces bring out the worst behavior in otherwise good people - and a good cop will understand and usually see through it. 

Concerning the stepson, we all say things we don't mean, or shouldn't say, when we're angry or emotionally stirred.  However, especially in today's environment, a police office is held to a higher standard.  They are not afforded the luxury human error much anymore.  This is a lesson that an officer has to learn sooner or later.  Further, to make a threat of misusing his authority, or service weapon, is unprofessional, and dangerous.  I would suggest you contact the office or professional conduct (or equivalent) in either his jurisdiction, or the next higher (e.g. county sheriff's office).  This is not behavior that can be allowed.  A young officer might need a little pull on the leash to learn this important lesson.  He might be on his way to a stellar career in public service, but, not if this behavior goes forward. Making a personal and private appeal to internal affairs / board of conduct will not ruin his career, it might actually get it straightened out. 

Do trust you gut.

[livednlearned]

Does your step son have BPD traits?

I agree with Sam, that it's normal to feel paranoid during times of high stress (like divorcing a BPD spouse).

My L recommended I listen to my intuition and take precautions, and then collect myself and try to manage the anxiety. I asked to be escorted to my car after hearings and always arrived much earlier to make sure we did not arrive at the same time. Sometimes I parked to watch and wait until ex arrived, and then I would enter later.

At the peak of my paranoia, I thought my ex was going to kill himself and our son  Truly the worst day of my life, hard to even revisit those thoughts and feelings.

It happened on a Sunday and my T was wonderful enough to call me back and coach me through it. Her advice, and it worked, was to be assertive with ex and essentially call his bluff, to demonstrate that I saw him as a threat and that I would not be bullied. The two can both occur simultaneously.

For example, he finally returned our son to my home, and I refused to open the door until ex was back in his car. I simply repeated, "Get in your car" until he did, and then I opened the door for my son to come in. Being assertive with him like that, I watched him turn into the little kid he is under the grown man charade.

"I won't be threatened or bullied. If my safety is at risk, I will speak to law enforcement and let them know a threat has been made."

Then do it.

An excellent book to read is Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker.

[ForeverDad]

Before I moved out, which was a week of breaking the news to my wife, she said that when she told her son (my stepson) I had filed, he responded "He's lucky I haven't been issued my service revolver yet" (he was in the police academy at the time).

You know your stepson better than we do, does this sound like something he would say, especially given that you don't even know how she shared the divorce news, whether with blaming lies or twisted half-truths?

I told her I didn't appreciate the threat, and could speak with his police captain about it. She responded harshly, like the protective mother she is, asking me why I'd want to ruin his career, threatening to ruin my career, said he never said that - that she had just made it all up out of anger, etc.

Note the highlighted part.  She recanted her claim.  PwBPD are well known to exaggerate and even invent stories especially when triggered.  And she was triggered, she wanted to emotionally hurt you, intimidate you.  So it's very possible she made it up.  Around here we've read comments like, "I know when my BPD Ex is lying, it's whenever she (he) opens her (his) mouth."  Frankly, without getting stepson's side of it you just don't know really happened between them.

I think if you do speak to his superiors you could phrase it in a background scenario way, not making accusations, after all, you only heard her hearsay which she then recanted.  "Sir, my wife and I are divorcing.  We've only been married for 4 years so I really want to just unwind the marriage and walk away.  That's all.  She gets extraordinarily emotional when triggered and it was tense enough that I moved out and let her keep living in my house.  When I was moving out she claimed her son, a recent recruit here, made an aggressive comment regarding me when she told him about the divorce.  I don't know what precisely she told him.  Then she recanted, saying she was just that angry at me.  So I don't know what really happened, I just want to be safe. ... .Do you have any recommendations?"